Offer Smoffer

 lord have mercy.   I am so done with all of this,   I do realize I am a nurse and it is not appropriate for me to express this....but I wanna see live music, hug a stranger, go to the damn bar and sit at the bar instead of the parking lot.........

but....

whatever.

It has been quite comical living in this tiny space.  I am living with about 3 outfits, 25 pairs of shoes (because I couldn't leave my shoes) and one shared bathroom.   

Im thankful that Kevin has let us in....made room for us and said he will take care of us.  ( don't need anyone to take care of us, but it is divine and lovely and makes my heart happy to know he is there).

I have heard from my lawyer that the "ex" is going to accept the offer.   

THE OFFER.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Smart on his part.

Of course he is going to win....he doesn't need to deal with me, who he despised, he gets the house and most of everything I have worked for and saved .

(note to people.....if you marry up....never have your own shit or investments...that way if you split you can half of theirs regardless of your input)

to the other half. 

get a prenuptial

Anyways, we will discuss that later. But sooner the divorce is finalized the sooner I can actually live.

You all know that one cannot buy a house , car , change insurance, move....etc....without divorce papers.   It's one of the dickiest moves ever.  They know you are stuck....if you are on the short ghetto side of divorce....just refuse to sign the divorce papers and you can live for basically free until the court says you have to sign.    For me...I have to continue to pay for all of his shit until he signs.    But, I'm good.  I got an extra job and am maintaining mine, the kid's and apparently his lifestyle for now.  And Im actually not too angry.   Just more done.  Move the fuck on.   Let me go.

On the flip

I'm happy.   Kevin is everything I have wanted, and how this happened I have no idea and don't really want to question it.   I just know I deserve it, and so does he.   Coming home every day to a person who is honestly happy to see me is the best.  We laugh, touch, kiss and do things together.   So simple....laugh, kiss the cheek and touch their butt once in a while and you are in.

Hopefully soon this divorce will be done.  I will lose my forever home and most of the stuff ( this is what happens when you are the spouse with the most money and independence regardless of gender ...this is part of women's liberation I suppose) I lose the goods and money, but gain a life I deserve with people who want to be around me.  Maybe a move is in my future.   Denver? Florida? Nashville? Connecticut?  I don't know.   but it will be something.

xo,

write ya later,

m

pilgrimage....Manitou Incline

I was all ready winded walking from the lot to the base. 

 I'm pretty sure most people won't admit that but I am into telling the truth.

I read the sign....

stood at the bottom and said, " I know you probably can do it...."

I honestly thought...

I cannot do that.

but I came this far,

 I might as well start.

The people who walked up with me took a selfie with their significant other and wished me luck...

"thanks" 

I looked down at my shoes and up the zipper along the mountain front.

I'm gonna walk up that....to the top....

yup 

let's go

the view from the base

"it's not a race....it's a pilgrimage"

I started right here and pushed the negative thoughts to the side.

3000 railroad ties....

as I started up and lost my breath I told myself to concentrate on the steps....

step...

step...

think about being present with your self and stepping. 

and that is exactly what I did.

as I stepped, I greeted others and others greeted and encouraged me.

we sat together and rested.

we shared snacks

we wished one a happy birthday

I spoke to one about concentrating on the task at hand and it's ok to be scared....

we stepped together for a bit....

while alone, I thought about what had been bothering me this week...

why am I the woman everyone loves and comes back to, but yet no one want to take me out.

ever since I was in my late teens to twenties I was the woman men wanted to call at 11pm, but did to want to take the time to get dressed and be together during the day. 

( I was never one to be easy or put out...so it was a moot point)

but it still happens.

it brings back thoughts of not being enough.

I continued to step

step

step

I am not here to figure out if it is them.

wondering if it is predatory ....

knowing when someone is weak

or is it attraction

or is it really just human nature?

the view from the top, my mind fairly clear and pleased with my legs for taking me to the top.

I started my walk down the back side which was a slow descent which gave me plenty of time to think.

the world is beautiful and I am lucky.

My relationship /relationships are a small part of me, and what I am about.

Not many have taken the time to get to know these things about me.

or experience them with me....

to stand and smile at this...

to kiss in the sunlight and be encouraging to each other and the people who cross our paths

to wonder together and learn history...

together....

because we are choosing to share time together.

to not live separate, yet demand allegiance out of spite.

together....

friends , lovers , companions.

I have them all and have been thankful for the ones who are here, and some even overstepping boundaries and codes to stand next to me when I am having self doubt...

 and to also join me when I choose them to experience great things.

just have fun .... be present

my homework was to accept the loneliness, stress, and fear and let it set in.

To experience it ....and how it will be ok in the end.

and it almost always is

write ya later,

xo

m

next post :

the men who return, the one or so I wish would step up, and the few I have to set boundaries because of timing and status.