Offer Smoffer

 lord have mercy.   I am so done with all of this,   I do realize I am a nurse and it is not appropriate for me to express this....but I wanna see live music, hug a stranger, go to the damn bar and sit at the bar instead of the parking lot.........

but....

whatever.

It has been quite comical living in this tiny space.  I am living with about 3 outfits, 25 pairs of shoes (because I couldn't leave my shoes) and one shared bathroom.   

Im thankful that Kevin has let us in....made room for us and said he will take care of us.  ( don't need anyone to take care of us, but it is divine and lovely and makes my heart happy to know he is there).

I have heard from my lawyer that the "ex" is going to accept the offer.   

THE OFFER.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Smart on his part.

Of course he is going to win....he doesn't need to deal with me, who he despised, he gets the house and most of everything I have worked for and saved .

(note to people.....if you marry up....never have your own shit or investments...that way if you split you can half of theirs regardless of your input)

to the other half. 

get a prenuptial

Anyways, we will discuss that later. But sooner the divorce is finalized the sooner I can actually live.

You all know that one cannot buy a house , car , change insurance, move....etc....without divorce papers.   It's one of the dickiest moves ever.  They know you are stuck....if you are on the short ghetto side of divorce....just refuse to sign the divorce papers and you can live for basically free until the court says you have to sign.    For me...I have to continue to pay for all of his shit until he signs.    But, I'm good.  I got an extra job and am maintaining mine, the kid's and apparently his lifestyle for now.  And Im actually not too angry.   Just more done.  Move the fuck on.   Let me go.

On the flip

I'm happy.   Kevin is everything I have wanted, and how this happened I have no idea and don't really want to question it.   I just know I deserve it, and so does he.   Coming home every day to a person who is honestly happy to see me is the best.  We laugh, touch, kiss and do things together.   So simple....laugh, kiss the cheek and touch their butt once in a while and you are in.

Hopefully soon this divorce will be done.  I will lose my forever home and most of the stuff ( this is what happens when you are the spouse with the most money and independence regardless of gender ...this is part of women's liberation I suppose) I lose the goods and money, but gain a life I deserve with people who want to be around me.  Maybe a move is in my future.   Denver? Florida? Nashville? Connecticut?  I don't know.   but it will be something.

xo,

write ya later,

m

learnt and burnt

Bittersweet
~~~~ the emotion that joins joy and sadness

"girl, you gonna get your sweet lil ass learnt and burnt, actin the fool"

#truth

An old friend used to sit me down and give me that little above piece of advice...., well not really, he would actually yell it across the Bar I worked in Atlanta with a waggle of his big finger......whenever I was trusting my heart before my head.
"girl baby, why you do this to yourself? You got too many feels to be out there passin your heart around....when you gonna learn?"

I thought about that the other day.
Apparently I am not.
As I slowly saunter through my current situation my heart swells with so much emotion I can't ever contain it.  I sat with piece of paper, writing
good vs bad....
benefits vs dumb....
heart vs reality.....
There is no easy way out, except to not do anything ,and that in return is a death sentence on my heart and soul. Which the more I talk about it, write it out, and think.....I'm not willing to sacrifice.
I call my sister and discuss the benefits and the risks and her answers are always the same
" M, you are figuring it out, I am listening to you do this on your own, it's taking more time than the average person....but honestly, it is because you care to much"
My other Sissy says to me," you have put up with way more than any average person would have....you know it is time....Just make sure this is what you want and that you will be ok with the outcome. I am not worried about your survival skills, you are a survivor of shit situations, you will be fine."

These women are correct.
I do not want to hurt him....or his masculinity. I want him to be able to continue to do what he loves, and I want to see him be happy.
Do I want to see him leave me and immediately meet a 27 year old and make 100K a year, no.
But that is not very nice of me to think that.

because it is my birthday week I cannot start a discussion.
but I can lay it out for myself.

I used to look into the future and see us sitting on the beach in our little chairs, enjoying life, riding motorcycles, laughing about good times, and living simple. I do not see that anymore. When I think of that, I get frustrated and think about how sad it would be to spend my fun years with someone who cannot see the sunshine through the rain.
I cannot do it.

Now, I think about myself, and O, in a small apartment. getting by and making do.
I want to make sure O is on a good path, and in one way, she needs to see people together who love each other.
I'm ok with having to work extra to get by and take care of O, although it would be nice to just move to Denver and live in a studio and just be.

I am also ok with not being with anyone again.

This was a question my sissy brought up.
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life single?, because 50 is not really the age men are looking for."
Yes.  If I can be me, and just do my thing, I guess so.
It's ok. I know, and although my initial thought is that I am so full of love, it will be a bummer...But I'll be fine.
I did not want to go to my grave without passionately kissing anyone ever again or having someone touch me , really touch me....
but I took care of that.
so, I guess...I'm good.
bittersweet

So, for my birthday
I have made a decision.

and yes , I am sorry for anyone reading this malarky....but it is what it is

write ya later,
xo,
m