Break upon Pressure

 Beautiful Life

All belts should break upon pressure.

Because sometimes thinking smart is not in the picture.

I'm angry because this has become a thought pattern, although I was told.

If not the proper help, they succeed eventually.

This belt broke.

I'm here, but no one asks if I am ok.  

I don't use belts so that is not an option, 

Nor would it ever be.

My insides scream for a situation I have no ability to fix.

I am the parent 

So I continue to ask the Universe, and the Earth we are on,

Give him some light 

And make the belts break

Every time he thinks they are an option.

Where are my people when I need to talk?  I don't ever want to burden anyone because I am put on this planet to help others....not to burden.  The failure I feel is so immense it is almost overwhelming.  Like a heavy blanket.  I am here.  Working, parenting, loving, leading and caring every day...but it is difficult.  Difficult to sometimes find the happiness I need to help others.  The person who used to ask me every day, "how was your day?" is no longer and there is no-one who has stepped up to take that place.  This is a hard hurtful spot inside me. I'll be ok.  I know it. My weakness are these kids and walking looking backwards is not helping to build the strength I need to move ahead.

write ya later,

m

Seems Irrelevant Now

 

Lucked out...

Boobs are just fine as of Friday.  Still have to get a mammagram every year and a breast MRI every year , so that is a boob job every 6 months. To top that off it's not covered 100% by insurance.  I take that back.  If I could afford the insurance that takes 700$ out of my paycheck every time it is only a copay....but if I could afford that I would just save the money and not have to pay for insurance.  Catch -22, right?

Murphy's Law always prevails.  Boobs good, Lungs not....well not lungs but the right middle lobe has something that showed up. Could be nothing , could be everything.  I guess I will find out.  But in the inbetween, do I really want to go to gym or not drink a cocktail or two.  Should I have really worried about my belly fat and cellulite for the last year?  Maybe I should have had the ice cream. The thing with Boobs.......they can lop those bitches off, lungs...not so much.

as a nurse who worked in procedures and diagnostics I know that when  a person has been "cancer free" for 7-10 years then they start having respiratory issues it means it is not in your boobs, but has metastasized to lungs or bones or brain.  I've seen it many times.  Healthy...but not so much.

Well, this is giving me the power to get my business in order and make sure everyone knows where I need to be and the party that needs to be had IF that is the case.  I'm hoping and praying that it is just "inflammation or a blood clot" which it could very well be.  I have really only told 3 people , and I have to wait to see what the dr says, right???  Yes.... but like I said, I'm a nurse and know too much. I can read the MRI and the report.  

Other than that. Here we are. doing our goshdarn best.   I bought myself a new Kindle ( the cheap one) to treat myself for the boobs still surviving strong.   I need to outlive my ex, so that I can cash in on his benefits before he cashes in on mine .

Every Muse outlives her stay.

this too shall pass 

xo,

Victory to the great teacher,

m

                                                                           across the universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind

Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

They call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they

They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing

Through my open ears inciting and inviting me

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns

It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva, om

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

Jai guru deva

life is funny

 life is really quite hysterical.  just going along and then Boom you have to take care of shit.

real shit, shit you don't want to do.

No one to really discuss it with so I just quietly schedule the appointments and wait for the next request.

The costs for these appointments are exorbitant.

Every time I go to the women's clinic it is considered a specialist.

Do men have to do this with their wieners( I before E, except after C)?

Every issue is a specialist?  I highly doubt it because they can talk to their male primary care and get everything taken care of from there.

For me, and I do realize I am not the only one, I have to go to a specialist for every damn body part.

Last month my foot, which wasn't covered, so I paid out of pocket cash for an appointment and an MRI.

Now, boobs....appointment and MRI (specialist)

Next request was uterus ( start with ultra sound and biopsy ) again a specialist.

Would it be cheaper to just get the boobs removed?

What makes boobs a specialty? 80$ every visit.  because it isnt primary care, but it is primary care. We are  required to have them and bottom halves checked every year.  Not my fault my PCP doesn't do that.

Pretty sure they can check a prostate at the PCP office and it isn't "special".

I jokingly said last month, " what I wouldn't do for a flat chest. 

Universe, this isn't what I meant.

As I plod quietly through these appointments, scheduling when I should be at work. I know it is what it is.

I just don't really care for it.

I accept it and my biggest request is that my feet get fixed so that I can begin living again, which would take a way some of the stress.

My other request is to feel whole again.

Which I think is a reasonable request and I think I can make it happen.

calm down

xo,

m

Boobs and Feet, Boobs and Feet

 

Boobs and feet ....weird topic but one occupying my mind lately.

10 years ago this month I had my right breast cleared of breast cancer via surgery.

Just one boob...no biggie...Was told I should take Chemo, but with some counseling we decided maybe it wasn't the best for me right then.  I had small kids and needed to work full time...I didn't have the time to be sick or tired, I had enough of that with my life in general back then. hahahaha

The statement from my then Oncologist , who has since retired, 

"Its not if...it's when ...10 years, most likely"

Those damn old man doctors, full of non documentable information.

Shit the Journal of American Medicine could never prove.

They know...

So, this morning a nice MRI for my foot which has been the bain of my extra curricular life for about 2 years now and getting progressively worse.  

Luckily, as I lie there in the MRI tube listening to the bings and bongs and the occasional tech giving me the countdown of time 

"good job, Melissa , we have about 3 more sets of 7 minute picture rounds"

why didn't he just say we have 21 minutes left? Does the way he stated it sound easier?

maybe.

The MRI didn't bother me. They gave me headphones and I listened to Jason Isbell and thought about warm weather and my list of chores I needed to complete....

and the fact I had another telehealth call at 11 that I better be done with.

We were done in time and the results were in my chart before I got home.

pretty pretty good

Small tear on some Achilles Ligament and something else which I really should know because I'm a nurse,

but I don't.

but I do know it was nothing horrible and I'm betting for the cash money the Sports Medicine guy is charging , it will be fixed with a boot and rest for 8 weeks

and it's not plantar fasciitis...which is good.

that's hard to fix , really hard.

Made it home in time for my telehealth video. 

She started with the good news, not that any is really bad

No BRCa gene, which means I am clear from that, and so is Olive and Ilin.

But then.... outta no where she says

" I'm going to schedule for a breast MRI and make sure you get your yearly mammogram. You will be doing every other one each 6 months ongoing from here on out. Your cancer risk is 37.3% which puts you in the high risk category.  So once we get those first rounds done we will schedule from the findings and anything we find we should be able to treat quickly, because thats the key with this type of history"

ok, lady.  i liked you, now I'm a little stressed and wish I was having a beer while doing this telehealth.

" let's make sure you get the ultra sound of your uterus as discussed last month when you were here.

Insurance should have no problems covering these because of the risk involved .....and when you come in we can discuss a referral for double masectomy; when you are ready"

what?

wait a minute, 

how did we go from no gene to boob removal?

yeah, no.  I'm not ready...i'm doing the math in my head and I still have 72% chance nothing will happen.

Are these things they just have to slide in there in the conversation? or does she know more than I do 

probably the latter even though I am a well educated RN, I kinda didn't do too well in the women's health part of school or clinicals.

Any way.  one thing at a time...  feet first... I want to be able to have some fun.

then boobs.  

I guess 

if anyone has any insight let me know.

They are just boobs...

but honestly i can't imagine using my PTO for boobs in stead of beach vacation.

xo, 

m

the first time of diagnosis

for your reading pleasure

Thursday Night Update

 here we go ...

I saved my drink of the week for writing tonight. I feel like I have earned it. 

It is interesting how things just ebb and flow. One week I am at my wits end with work, my body, my life...then Boom... just like that, I could give 2 shits.  Just keep moving forward. 

As long as I don't think " to what end am I moving forward?  There is only so much forward I can go before the forward is over"

. Weird thought, huh?

Work

Work has been fine.

I had a long discussion with myself last week on the drive into work. It's work. No need to be dramatic. The job isn't bad, the people are fine.....the problem is that it is just work, and that is part of the picture. I'll be just fine. Just do what I do, stay on the no problem list and make the money....then go on vacation or save to buy a house somewhere quiet. 

Health

Health is keeping me on my toes. I spent my late 30's to late 40's preparing my body for retirement. I wanted to be strong enough, fit enough and solid enough to be able to enjoy life in my late 50's on.  I wanted to wear the bikini, jump off the cliff and ride the motorcycles. 

When my feet started hurting and I could no longer run, I think I just quit. I think in hindsight I was so mad at my body, or myself, that I literally just quit trying to be that person.  I realized that maybe part of this was menopause and the feeling of distress that no matter what I did I would never be strong again or even worse I would forever be in this pain that I have been quietly experiencing. I decided, " ok, I don't need to run, but please, PLEASE can I walk without pain so that I can at least hike? Please...." 

That has yet to be determined. 

I started back to the gym. I called my Dr and she started me on HRT.  It's controversial for me because I had breast cancer, but after counseling and looking at my life, past and future hopes, we decided together that living my best life is more beneficial at this point, because what good is longevity if I can't function?  HRT is coming with some pretty weird side effects , hopefully temporary, so I'm ok with that. Within a week my aches and pains in my joints are gone, my sleep went from 3-4 hours a night to 7-9. This alone has made me less tired and emotional.  On the downside I started my period again because of the estrogen....but I can survive that. Been dealing with that for 35 years so it is what it is. I have been requested to do a follow up in 3 months. I was tested for BRCA gene and will get an ultra sound and an MRI for a tumor in my uterus, so that we can monitor if it is growing or if it's just a cyst. Two weeks now and my feet still hurt, but I will schedule an appointment with a sports medicine doctor and see what the next step is.  All in all, I feel positive.  I have been lifting weights 3 times a week and going to at least 2 to 3 classes ,including yoga ,a week.  This is really helping my mind set. Yoga is honestly been a real game changer for me and my mind.

I'm drinking only about 3 drinks/beer a week and feel better but sometimes want to have a few more still...but I think that is ok. I can indulge once in a while. 

Goals

I really need to finish some things in which I have started, and I know that. Big goals for this summer are some house upkeep including building a divider wall in our attic guest room. ( I have never done that before but I think I can do it).  I want to learn how to fly fish ( got the poles all ready ). I want to get stronger at gravel riding and quit being a silent crybaby in my head when I ride. And the big goal.....I really want to put money down on a piece of property. Anything.... something that is mine and I can maybe put a little trailer on and have a place to go and invite friends.

This summer we have plans of camping and a few small local trips and I am even planning a few solo things.  I'm grateful my other half encourages this.  I would love to solo travel to Georgia to see my friend Ivey, the nurse I bested with in NY during Covid.  I just miss her.

Well, that is probably enough blabbering for now.  There literally was no comedy or depth to this writing...it was just to say I am moving forward and learning to accept all of this new stuff with grace.

xo.

write ya later

m

Transition in Body Starts Now

there is nothing funny about any of this post

except that sometimes all you can do is laugh...

 Menopause.  it's flipping awesome.   No joke.  

I've gained 21 pounds on a 5' frame.  with no changes to my diet etc.  It's horrifying and making me hate myself once again.

I can't run distance right now, but I am still going to the gym and doing my best.  My best is NOT good enough...it's not.

I said to myself last week that after my Dr. appointment I would work from there. She put me on a low dose hormone therapy of estrogen and progesterone and after 3 months we can talk about testosterone if needed.  These are things, that if you are not going through it, you can never ever understand.  It is very similar to childbirth ...

Nothing you hear or read can get you ready or prepare you for it. 

I'm holding myself accountable because I truly hate the way I look right now, which is 100% effecting my sex life.  I'm worried for what he will think when he looks at me.  My clothes do not fit and I feel yuk in my own skin. This is not like me because for so many years, I, regardless of everything else, felt good about me and my body.  I had someone who told me I was beautiful and to me, it made me feel beautiful.

As of now, I have cut down my drinking to 3 drinks about a week, contrary to TikTok the weight has not disappeared from hidden calories.:))

  I cannot run right now because of the plantar fasciitis.  But I still am going to the gym 5-6 times a week and doing different classes.  I am monitoring my intake.  I do realize it won't be easy but I'm giving myself 4 months to turn this boat into there right direction.  

I am thankful for a few things :

I'm still alive

He tells me I'm more beautiful than ever and he does not see what I see

I have a Dr who listened and is helping.

I am fairly healthy

it's embarrassing but here we go

xo 

m

Hookers and Yahoo

I had just had my baby 

Isn't that always the way?

Uncomfortable for over 9 months.

Insecure and tired.

fat and alone

I knew it wasn't the first

second, or third time, 

but it was the time I actually saw proof.

Left open on the shared computer, the emails.

setting up times.

My heart broke and it was the last time I ever trusted him.

ever.

I printed the emails and saved them.

I confronted and showed them

gaslighting....

"you are crazy. I was just looking. I would never do anything. you are so paranoid...."

and the best, 

"you made me do this, because of your insecurities....I'm never good enough"

I turned a blind eye after that.  I was told I was unattractive. I was called a nag. I was left to fend for myself, instead of being together ,we were now apart.

Very apart.

I had to get tested. I had to not ask questions so that I was not told I was a crazy person. My heart and mind KNEW there were more than 2 times.  I knew it but could do nothing....

except wonder why I was never enough for him.

Now I know....

it wasn't me,

but it scarred me nonetheless

years and years 

until I realized 

it really

wasn't me.

The secret life I lived.

xo,

m

Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

Weed for the Aged

 The other night I decided to do an edible...

you know, the Devil's lettuce...the weed, ....the mary jo wanna.

Granted, I wasn't going to sit down and do a round of good ol bong hits or a loaded Swisher Sweet... I was just gonna have an edible. To be exact, a half of the smallest little blackberry fruit flavored gummi. I believe it was a Sativa , which was what came highly recommended from the 19 year old hippy/jugalo ( I couldn't quite make the distinction) behind the fully packed glass counter.  I told him I needed to sleep, to settle my brain a bit....I don't want to be up at 4 am looking for savory/sweet treats in the back of the cupboard. I just want to sleep. That is all. 

He said, "No Problem....You see, we have the kind that will give ya some energy for like...let's say cleaning the house or, like, some people go for a good run. Then we have the kind that will calm ya down...make ya feel relaxed."

"Ok, I'll take that"

"Great", he says. "What flavor and dosage? Is this your first time?" 

 I started to laugh and then stifled and small coughed instead. I wanted to blurt out "for fuck's sake it's not my first time. I grew up in the 80's. My generation made acid and mushrooms a weekly thing.  I spent half my high school years trolloping around the panhandle of Florida's cow fields picking psychedelic mushrooms out of cow patties, packing them in honey and selling them all over the tristate area...."

"No, but to not sound like an old person I haven't really done this new pot. My friend said they had a candy bar and ended up on the living room floor unable to reach the phone to call 911, which in hindsight she decided was a good thing, but her rendition of a fun Saturday night dinner with 4 friends is one I would rather not do....I just would like to sleep a bit "

with that I know I officially sounded OLD

He laughed and said " I gotcha, M'am", (which slightly burned my biscuits, but because he was honestly trying to be respectful I let it slide).  He reached into the glass counter a few inches down and all the way to the front and pulled out a little cup of blackberry edibles. He kindly showed me the name brand and the THC amount vs CBD : 10 MG THC per edible.

" I think, for you, because you want to start slow, this should be perfect....Now remember , just because you don't feel anything don't eat another unless you want to end up like your friend...just have a half ,or even half of a half, and give it time.  It should relax you and most people say they get a good night's sleep".

SOLD!

Took my little stapled bag and off I went.

Evening arrived and I prepared for my sleepy time edible.  As I tucked myself into bed I bit the ungodly sweet, sugar coated, slightly weed taste-smelling gummi into my mouth followed by a magnesium and a melatonin...swished down with my last sip of IPA. It was a Saturday after all.  As I waited for sleep to come I panicked thinking, "Have I just overdosed myself on 5mg weed and a 5 mg melatonin plus beer?" Oh jesus , oh lord....at least I didn't take a Benadryl too....I'll be ok, if not, i guess I'll get some sleep in the long run, right?

Fell asleep pretty quickly, which really isn't the problem.  The problem is staying asleep and quality, so that was yet to be determined. 

I remember having some pretty wild dreams. Was it the weed or the melatonin? I definitely slept hard. I woke midnight, as usual, to go to the bathroom. I was slightly groggy as I sat upright, not really paying much attention to anything except meandering to the bathroom. As I stood I realized my legs were heavier than usual, but assumed it was from my workout that day. When I went to sit down on the toilet is when it hit me.

I'm stoned.

hahahaha 

who made this toilet so short?

why does it feel weird in this bathroom?

do I need a snack?

No, I need to go back to bed and quit messing around before I trip on the uneven floors and break a hip. I wandered back to bed and giggled as I pulled the comforter over my head. Maybe I should have taken it a bit BEFORE I went to bed, not as I hit the pillow. 

My overall review of the experience still makes me giggle. It did work, although I didn't sleep 8 hours I did get a good 5 hours or so.  My biggest fear was if I attempted this on a weeknight, would I still be high for work? who knows ....

But what I do know...

I'm not to that point, nor will I be joining Snoop and Willie for 420 in Amsterdam any time soon, unfortunately.

emergency use only for me.

xo,

m