Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

Leah.....Infinity and beyond

Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  

Home....Old home....history home

I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 

not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 

I arrived...

no stress.

That was the last part of my 

"stress"

Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....

but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.

Not sugar coat anything for anyone 

because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 

We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.

Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.

but I was thankful for this time.

We ate...

and I welcomed that.

She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.

She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.

She had a dream

She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,

 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...

then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.

Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."

"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.

The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 

We are older and we may not have long to live.

Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.

I look to see if she has turned on her phone.

The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :

I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.

It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E

I

E

A

love you,

m

 

Home and Unable to Completely Let Go. Covid

I have been back a couple of days and have been working on my FEMA tests to become a reservist...

because maybe that is why this all happened...

my mind keeps wandering to my last few days.

Demobilization was just that.

I had 24 hours to say good-bye, clean my room, and get a flight.

I did all three....

alone and with much thought.

My room was left just as I had entered it except for a box of chocolates, 20$ bill, and a thank you note to the cleaning staff that continued to work the "dirty floor" at the Sheraton for us.

it was the least I could do.

I shut the door at 450 am, just like I had been doing for the last 22 days but this time I was heading home.

My stomach rolling with anxiety, and maybe some fear of moving forward, when I really wanted to stay, or at the least move sideways. 

{This may be a long post}

The last day at Jacobi Hospital was, as I said, bittersweet.  I spent the day saying goodbye to nurses, residents,  and doctors, who came around after hearing "Colorado" was leaving today. I teared up every time someone said, thank you....you brought a light that was desperately needed in this area. 

I fought for my last 2 patients:

One, to discharge home so that I knew she was safe and also so that I could wheel her out, as I promised I would when she was on 80L of oxygen and I was questioning the sustainability of her life.

and the second: to stay alive ....just stay alive.

All the patients who were directly under my care lived, except for 2, that I am aware of.  They were my ICU patients.  They were only in my care for a couple of days.

The other ones,

even the one who kept asking if he was going to die....made it out.

Wait, except for Teresa....she is still in.

Mamacita....

she spoke no English and for 20 days we used hand signals and occasional yelling to communicate.

From ventilator to Hiflo oxygen to hopefully home...

here was my day

The two women shared a room, no private rooms in covid central.  One a younger social worker who fought like hell everyday to get better, and my job was to keep telling her she was getting out alive.

the other a much older hispanic woman who was slowly giving up on life and everyday I begged her to breathe...to eat the horrible hospital food, and to to move her feet so that she didn't get blood clots and die of that.... opposed to Covid.

For 20 days straight, minus the one day I got floated to another area, I walked into the room and picked up and removed all the garbage ( housekeeping was swamped and short staffed), I emptied and cleaned all bedside commodes, wiped every surface with bleach wipes, made sure Jackie and Teresa got their teeth cleaned, gowns changed, and bed linens changed (even if it meant I had to go to different areas to find what I needed).

every morning...

and every evening before I left...
 I did it again.

They came to know I was fighting for them...I wanted the area clean so that they could get well.

If they were able to get to the bedside commode it was required by me...

No one gets to sit in diapers,

they must move to keep the blood flowing and to facilitate breathing.

I "suggested" they prone, or Tummy Time as we called it, and actually made a time frame for when they should do it so that we could check to off our to "do list."

Proning is one of the most effective ways to open the lungs during Covid.  It is a proven help.

I wrote my name, date, goals and Dr names on the white boards so that they knew what was going on.

And when I knew what type of food they liked, or would at least try to eat, I would trade other nurses  one thing for another and even bring stuff from the hotel or my personal lunch so I knew that they at least got something in their bellies.

Jackie, the younger of the 2 was making wonderful progress, she became the voice for Teresa...updating me every morning to what the night had held and what bullshit might have happened, or setbacks and began to translate for Teresa through the curtain divider.  

this became our needed norm.

Teresa at one point took a turn for the worse and oxygen needs went up quickly.  I begged her to breathe, and to leave the mask on which she would pull off in her hypoxic state. I sat next to the bed and held the mask to her face and told her she needed to get better...

for her kids and grand kids...
I thought....
she is going to die today...
fuck

I finally pulled open the curtain which separated them and said, "Jackie help me talk to her, please"
and they saw each other for the first time...

I asked Jackie , " please tell her...tell her she needs to breathe, she needs to be on her tummy when I ask and she needs to live...not to give up"

Jackie barked at her in Spanish and something changed....

to me it looked as if being able to see each other they became fighters on the same team.

They were in the battle together.

It took a couple of days but Teresa began to get better.

I was able to get Jackie's Hi Flo machine when she no longer needed it...

I slid it over, got everything together, and set the settings as I had watched the therapists do for the past 2 weeks...then grabbed a respiratory therapist to double check the settings and I put it on Teresa.

This meant no full face mask....she was able to drink water and take a bite of food without her oxygen level dropping to 70%

She could talk on the phone....she could sleep.

I felt like a secret agent hero getting that machine to her without anyone's help.

There were so many doctors rounding I'm sure they just thought one of the other doctors ordered it. I just charted it and kept it maintained and no one asked where it came from .

The day I left,

the doctors were slow to get everything in place for Jackie to discharge to home.  She needed an oxygen tank and for some reason they could not get the paper work together. 

I called every dr I had come in contact with...

I begged them to send her home...she only needed 1L of oxygen for when she got home and needed to ambulate.
 "There are no tanks."

I quietly suggested that she call the insurance and tell them she would purchase her own tank...go around the doctor orders and take care of it herself.

She did...

it worked...

they still wouldn't sign discharge orders so she left Against Medical Advice and I wheeled her out to her car and her husband she had not seen in more than a month.

When she got home she texted me pictures of her new Oxygen tank, an oximeter, and correspondence with her insurance that it would all be taken care of.

Yes!   Home

(she changed my life)

Before she had left, Teresa realized she was going to be alone and begged for me to get her home too...before Mother's Day

She cried   and cried   and Jackie kept telling me she wants to go home for Mothers Day...it is a huge deal.

she can't...she is not ready.

I cried too...

I cried because it was my last day and I didn't get her out....

I went to my google app and translated to Spanish:

You will get better

You will see your family

You are strong

and You are my heart

so please, keep breathing...

today is my last day but you are going to be ok

I can promise you that

I asked Jackie to help me get her granddaughters phone number, which she did and I was able to find her on Face Book, contact her, and tell her who I was and that her Abuela needed them...and we would like to face time.

she said give me 5 minutes and call me back.

I took the letter I wrote to Teresa ...she read it, cried, grabbed me and hugged me so tight( which we are Not supposed to do) folded the letter up kissed it and put it where her bra would be if she was wearing something other than a hospital gown.

Then I showed her my phone

and hit the dial button.

Up popped her family...and the screaming and crying began.

She had not seen them in over 37 days

they cried and cried and we said hello and laughed and I gave her the phone with a battery charger from Nurse Chuck and told her to take her time...

2 hours later...she handed me the phone and kissed my hands.  

before I left that evening,

Nurse Chuck and Nurse Ivey came in the quiet room where Teresa was, now without a roommate, and soon to be without her nurse...

and we promised she would get to FaceTime again on Mother's Day

That was Wednesday

Sunday afternoon I received texts from Ivey and Chuck that the FaceTime would start at 11 rain or shine.

people are good

I sent her a video to Ivey's phone saying 

Feliz dia de la Madre 

Mi Amore

Ivey said Teresa watched it about 10 times and kissed my face on her phone, held it to her heart and cried.

I'm going to miss her

I do miss her 

and I actually ask about her every morning....

I send a text " what's the oxygen"

and they just answer with a number and a thumbs up.

When I got home the first random message I got was from a lady stating that they heard the nurses were killing patients....letting them die.  That they weren't treating them with medication,

that no one gave a shit....

that the old and weary got left to die so that someone else could get the equipment....

that people were working above their knowledge base which in turn was for sure doing damage.

I cried when I got that text...

I cried because yes....everyone was working above their knowledge base...there is no treatment for Covid except ventilator, vitamin C, Zinc. proning, and luck...We did not do compressions when someone coded....because it spreads the virus everywhere and it wasn't safe...but that didn't mean we weren't trying.  We all did are best and many are still there, still cleaning up and continuing to finish their job in NYC.

all I can say is, wear your mask...

take your vitamins,

and know that there will always be a nurse to care for you

I can promise you that

xo,

m

It's time to move on 

my work is done here

Almost Day 21....when I wrote this.

I really did sit and cry the other day at lunch

I sat outside and texted a few people in hopes of being rescued from my own mind.

I was reminded that I was strong and that it wasn't much longer...

and I know that.

I know that

I know

I want to go home.

but then I think of how wonderful this has been 

escaping the pain of my home life and troubles,

 in an area where people do not know me,

but everyone appreciates me...

our jobs keep us so busy that there really is no time for heart hurting pain

or the fact that we are doing some crazy ass nursing shit

we just keep moving

the days are irrelevant and the biggest thing of the day is what you are ordering for dinner 

and if someone will steal it from the food delivery area or not.

I got lost almost every day for a week at Jacobi...

These staff nurses made the days ok...

they were hard asses but I got used to the NY yelling and the weird sense of humor

they made us feel like family

How will I ever stop calling everyone Mommy and Papi

 (it's a Bronx thing)

 Take a minute.  

smiling underneath 

It's soooo hot in those stupid gowns.  

Every room we walk into or come out of we have to don and doff...

every time.

all of that comes off and goes in garbage then you put it on again.

it takes a minute....

when someone is coding (dying) it seems to take 30 minutes to get it on properly

I look at this everyday and wonder what the theme was

These two...Jack and Jenna...

they aren't a couple but were inseparable ....

So weird to see them without masks.  

They look awesome, never would have guessed

still empty.  March 1, 2020

Lots of bridges and I couldn't figure out which was which but they were cool

every one in a while there were donuts from someone.

Covid donuts...

but the nurses we are, we ate them

He started filming the bus ride in slow mo....phone taped to the window.  

He got left once at Jacobi , because his patient coded at shift change and we didn't all know each other yet....after that we always yelled " Is Brandon here?"

Chuck...

Southern as all get out and came from Pediatrics.  He learned how to wipe adult ass and he successfully changed his first bedpan ever,  We all cheered and wrote "I changed my first bedpan!" on the back of his gown 

We tried to stay perky 

renegade Flower Arrangements in the NYC garbage cans...

better than wasting all that beauty

Jordan 

another Colorado nurse

I need to figure out that face...

I saw it all over

I can’t take as many pictures as I would like of the situation I find pertinent, although I have snapped a few.    My feet hurt, my heart hurts , but not as much as these people losing life and loved ones.   It seems for every celebration of an extubation, 3 will die.

   But yet we still must celebrate .... we must.  

We are working too hard to not.   Everyday I go back to my hotel and shower like my life depends on it, sleep, and then do it all over again.  

I will never hear this song and not think about Jacobi 

and how it was played every time they successfully 

got a patient off the ventilator

( with covid, 75% of the people die if they were intubated)

so when we hear this.  

we cheer, no matter what 

because we are cheering not just for the life, 

but for the work we all did, 

for the breath they breathe on their own, 

and for their family who is not there to see that fight 

they are fighting 

write ya later,

xo

m

I have maybe one more NYC post left in me

365 days : day 167, today is the day...

day 167

I deleted all old texts and let it go.

Friendships come and go and like they say, 

you shouldn't fight for friendships or love.

Hard as it is, because I looked at these texts often when my heart was /is heavy to remind myself I am beautiful, smart, loving and that others can see that.

I also read them to remind myself that 

my issues weigh my soul down, yet I have the ability to change.

These talks and texts have taught me to move forward, instead of fear change 

In the last year I have learned a lot about myself and continue to move forward in my plans to better myself and life for me.

It will forever break my heart to not communicate with someone I took a chance and opened myself up to...but that is part of life. He knows where I am and how to let me know he is there if anything is needed.

I am thankful

So silly, but a spot is here....waiting, and if able, I would be right there....

for whatever

Clear a space I must....

strong girl....

write ya later,

and ps.

I love you very much and if you ever need anything... 

talk? laugh? bowling? car trip?

I'm here

may you find what makes you happy and safe

xoxo,

m

Reality button

Sometimes I like to hit the reality button.

Make sure we are all on the same page. 

As you have guessed it's not all kittens and cotton candy, although that sounds quite perfect as long as you throw in a sloth or two...and beer.

I spend a lot of time telling my 14 year old to give me a break.  No one is looking at me. So, I am often found in my normal element of no makeup, freckles, really really bad hair and sometimes dirty yard work clothes.   It's ok, I say.   This is reality and I'm really starting to enjoy it.

It's not like I'm going t the grocery in my sleep pants and fuzzy slippers....

but sometimes, I pass on the fake eyelashes and deodorant.

Don't worry about it....it's a very slim chance you will ever have to get near me.

I met a wonderful person who once said that I just didn't realize how pretty my features are ( or something to that effect). It's probably true. I'm one of those people who goes around with the guys all the time, laughing, cussing cracking jokes and drinking beer.  I think I look great all the time....the kind of looking great where you think "I look better than 87% of the people around here" then you see the damn evidence.  The pictures .....Bwahahahaha.  girl what you been smokin? 

here is my answer ....just glance at the pictures, put them in a file and look at them next year....then you will say, "Shit, I was cute!!!!   What was I worried about? I'm hot, and I looked so young!"

The key, don't dwell because pictures are flat, and very seldom does a photo capture your beauty and personality. Right?  right.

These are my motorcycle guys....my gang.  I'm guessing they don't care what I look like.  They never say I look bad or good...just "hey, want a beer?"

My kind of guys.

Here's my kid, Olive.  She's 14 and thinks she is the bomb.  She reinforces that I am quite awesome too, until I'm not awesome and I am instead embarrassing.  But I really can't please everyone. I love embarrassing her. She's like a puppy, no matter what you do she still loves you....At least at this point.

This is me in my happy spot, meaning the beach and ocean.  I believe I was a mermaid in a past life, or super rich where as I vacationed everywhere I wanted , which included every beach.

I think I look fabulous in this picture.

I would also like to say I am off IG for a while.  It has taken up too much of my time, and there were a few issues.  Ill be back.  I'm hoping to get my humor back and to bring it back into my life. 

The key to my humor is zero fucks given.   zero , zip.... I gotta get there, again.  

I will.

xo

write ya later,

m

I don't think the person who lifted my spirits in ways they will never know in the past year reads this and for that I am grateful. I don't think I shined from the inside like that in a really long time and people noticed.  They have also noticed now that that person has moved on due to life changes and I'm glad for them they are able to move on and forward.  Like I told another great friend....I'm here, I always am. People come back to me like homing pigeons. I'm good for their souls.  I am crazy, but I am loving and I am a good friend.  I am an amazing friend, often much better than the friendships they supply to me.  It's all good though, because I love them.

broken like a piece of china

I'm not gonna whine about this much more.  As I was told at some point, " no one owes you an excuse as to why they stop talking or caring,  just move on."

I get it...I'm moving.............slowly. 

I will elaborate only slightly, because some things are better left unsaid.

I have a hard time with "unsaid".

When you have a friend who rocks your world you re-think things, everything. 

Sunshine is brighter

Music has meaning

Sweets are sweeter 

and

honestly some stuff is just straight out amazing.

When you meet someone like this and you connect one often feels this is a "thing".  Nothing else really matters, this is something that will be here.  They get you. You get them. They give you advice, and you think more....contemplate.

Then little things start happening.  The timing is all wrong. Excuses are made and you start to wonder...

was I that wrong?  

Did my radar totally go whack? 

How could I let this person play me?

fuck

It's like I am a teen again and the breakup is bad. 

Except as a teen, it just scars you for life and makes baggage....

As an adult, when a friend dumps you, you break.  Like china.

I can't afford to break right now....

It's weird when your inner soul totally plays you for a fucking idiot.  

Is this some sort of bullshit lesson? 

Probably.

As my sister said, " you will do what is right when the time is right....maybe (this friend) was saving you a fall".

maybe

but I don't like it

I'm lonely

my brain has less to think about

less to smile about 

and less to dream about

yup...

I hate feeling like that crazy woman up the street....

Gotta let it go....

Maybe you will come around

totally worth it.

write ya later........

m

Fuck you is not the appropriate answer

    

   
     It's odd when someone, who you enjoy, shows their true , unknown, personality.  Eyeopening to say the least. This is the kind of thing which usually happens when speaking about politics or guns.  You know, the shit you don't talk about.  The shit that comes out after 3 beers and a bad day on facebook.
     Well, this scenario was different.  This actually hurt my feelings.  I know , I know.... you should never let people invade your head space, especially people who do not deserve the space... except, I believed this person DID deserve the space.

I was apparently wrong.

Story is : This individual laid into me within a minor Instagram post in which I was admiring a fabulous burger and asked if they offered a veggie burger.  It's no big deal, I have been vegetarian almost all of my life....I do not preach, my choice is my choice.  With that said, I eat just as everyone else does. I eat burgers with piles of stuff on them, I eat tacos, I eat soup....When I go to third world countries , I pick around the meat to show respect.  I don't complain.

POINT IS:  All I was asking is  " do they serve that same super burger but with a veggie patty? " WTF?  The answer went something of this sort
" This is why I would have any issue dating a vegetarian or vegan....I do not care about your veggie burger, or whatever..." blah blah blah.  ( it went on a bit further, and was a bit hurtful and crass)

I , personally, do not care what you eat.  Why would you make me feel like an asshole for asking a question which could be kindly answered with, " I'm not sure" or  " Hmmm, I bet they do"

Fuck YOU , is not the appropriate answer.

I guess the bigger picture is that I like this person.  Makes me laugh, makes me smile, appeared to be pretty well rounded and kind.  I had it wrong. Honestly, maybe this person was trying to hurt me on purpose. But....why?

I would never in my life knowingly say dickwad stuff to someone to hurt them.  I just wouldn't.  I care too much and it's not worth it. So, unless you are fighting a fight with your enemy, just think twice.  What goes around comes around ....it's called Kharma and whether you believe it or not, that shit will get you.

write ya later,

m

they come and go

It's been a while.  

I posted this today because I am cleaning house.

Learning to let go

A skill I do not have

But a skill I am learning to practice

I need and must get on track.

Healthy mind and heart = healthy soul

So let the cleaning and learning begin.

xo 

m

Friends over forty

Not sure how to say it without hurting my feelings.   But here it goes...." You are a bitch". Outspoken,  easily riled, passionate, and loyal... You will never be accepted for the fiery red head you are.
The truth : everyone wants to be a part, but no one for the long haul.  it's heartbreaking.  Hush, hush...

I can't keep friends, never could.  I'm too much.  I was raised to be independent, too independent.  As a 20 something I always kept my mouth shut.  I watched ,people do crazy things.  I watched people, cheat, lie, steal, and die and i kept quiet.  One day I said, if that was me ...I'd want my friend to say something, I'd want my friend to tell me I was going to die, or that I was doing shit that would eventually kill me...and if I heard someone in distress I would never walk away...I would help...I would call 911, because you never know.

Now at 40 something I am virtually friendless.  I have the drive bys.  The friends who call for a beer, a favor, or if they need someone to do something crazy with, but not a single friend who would stop by if something was up.  Not a friend who could look at me and say, " hey, what's up?  You look like there is something going on".

Here's a little funny humor.  I wanted to run away and leave my hubby one night ( long story) and I had no where to go.  NO WHERE!   I drove around the block, sat  in the car and cried...then went home and apologized .

I am the fun one, the vocal one and the one you can count on for pretty much anything.  I'll be there for you, even if I haven't seen you in months, because I care.  I will tell you if your new boyfriend is an asshole and that I saw him at the bar with another girl...because I care.  
But what I need ? Is a friend .  A friend to go to dinner with, sit on the couch with, laugh with and go a Vegas trip with.
A friend I know who will show up when I least expect it.

I'm here.

Write ya later
M

friends whatever

You now what sucks the big one?

I'll tell you...here, let me give it to you without the fancy packaging.

FRIENDS...or the so called...i guess it would be better to call them pass throughs.

It's the leave the job, or whatever, and then you are the outcast.  

It's not just job, it's in general.  As you know I have some pretty dear friends.  As you get older friends are harder and harder to come by.  

I, personally, take my friendships extremely seriously.  I'm guessing that is why I only have a few.  If something happens, you can count on me...but on the other hand...I'm not gonna think 3 times about you if you are a fair weather friend.

(notice how I said 3...I'm a bit slow)

frienships are harder than love relationships because they are harder to let go.  I'm the type that just has to cut it loose because I know in my heart I am the one that cares more, so it is easier to just forget about it than to keep dragging it out....like a bad hang nail

back to the subject:

I left my place of employment where I met some great people.

it bums me out that I know in my head I will never really see them and again and they could give a shit less.

(insecurity at its finest)

It sucks that you can't put an ad out for new friends, because I have a ton to offer.

Wanted:

cool milf friend who likes to drink microbrews, knit, run, hang out and just chit chat 1-2 times a week.  preferably has kids, is not "religious" and willing to start at 7 am or any given time. 

must be flexible.

must have a sense of humor...

a real sense of humor....

and willing to try new things.

please email asap

desperate

well...there you have it...you can tell I'm in a transition.  I'm sure its my fault or my shitty attitude, but that should be a plus.

ps new job is going good...people are nice, willing to teach, and its been ok.

imagine that?

not a good start

this little girl, TonkaToy, will probably pass today. She is 14 I guess and not doing well. She has , what I believe, kidney failure and even though I knew this was coming it isn't any easier.
She couldn't get out of bed this morning. I whispered in her ear that it was ok to go to the big doggie daycare in the sky....I hope she isn't in pain, I sure know I am.
The kids said goodbye to her before we left today just in case.
I cried all the way to work
and at work...