scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

drunkard and braless

Lord, I drank way too much yesterday. 

Way. Toooooo. Much

It's ok, it gave me a much needed break from reality and thinking about things.

 I put on a frumpy dress, slapped on some sunscreen and mascara, and we headed to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.

My downfall was the liquor samples.

they were tasty, especially in the 100 degree weather. 

You know what was nice?   

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to get my head back together, in the way of not thinking about what others may view me as.

I have been working out and looking the way I want to look for me.

hell, Today I am braless.  0 fucks given. 

well, I am braless mostly because I feel too crappy hungover to put on a bra. But it is still liberating.

This week my schedule is full. Work my 4 10's. I have my last 12 hour clinical. And I need to write a senior outcomes paper.  Within this week I also hope to work out twice and attempt to get some chores done.   I got this. 

I guess I will wash my bras too because I don't think my fear factor is to the level of going braless to work, plus it is probably highly inappropriate.

Im not that fearless ....yet

write ya later,

m

New Year's...It's resolution time....Just be awesome

Here we go.  

As I get older I start to set my goals more in the medium range, with a few fancy ones thrown in.  One of my friends has a great way of thinking of her new goals.  Make a goal...then add a bonus.  I like that.

1. girls weekend getaway.

2. travel...alone.

3. Motorcycle ride, camp, ride.

4.  read a book every other month

5. run a 10k ( my friend has run a 10k a month on her list....whaccco!)

6. Pottery class

7. Art class

8. Writing class (  scares me)

9. yoga my heart, mind, soul

10 get a passport   (seems silly huh?  it just is a lot of paperwork)

and remember...

write ya later,

m

The Sunshine Family Vs New York Times

This family featured with a matchup from New York Times on this blog Design Crisis got me thinking.... (the other family is on Decorno)
That first family, who lives in a Yert,...I had their dollhouse in the 70's..they were the Sunshine Family...but she was still pregnant then, glad to see she has given birth and moved from the trees to the ground...maybe the treehouse is a vacation home now...When will that be featured in HB?

oh wait a damn minute...they had a Yert back then too???? Why didn't I have that?
damn my evil hippie hating parents.
Looking at the price, it wasn't like my parents couldn't afford the Yert and the Treehouse.

maybe it was because they knew they would have to buy the truck, craftshow, and traveling wagon to go with it.