That's Tripp in the background, one of the owners of Tortugas in Longmont.
They needed a dishwasher and this freshly turned 15 year old said ," I am in".
We , well most of us, have worked a labor job at some point in our life.
I have done them all.
Growing up in the tourist town of Destin, Florida I worked mainly kitchen....because that is where the work was. It was hard, sweaty, work....but I met some of the most amazing people ever in the kitchens. I learned about work ethic, food, cleanliness, teamwork, anger management and love in those kitchens.
Everyone should work in the kitchen at some point.
True fact...
washing dishes teaches you respect and understanding of service industry and teaches you what the low man on the totem pole really is.
This girl, Olive Bijie, showed up, having never worked a real job let alone operate a dish machine, busted her ass, and made it through a busy Saturday night ....
I am proud of her.
Before she went in we talked to her about work ethic and how she is strong and sassy (which is requirement #1 of kitchen work)
and she is not a quitter.
just so you know....
I thought she would be crying when I picked her up.
but NO....
she was standing there tired, but smiling, with a togo box of high end food and the owners saying
"she did great...it was so busy.... we want her back if she will have us"
her response....
" I like money...I'll be back"
We say this generation and the last are lazy...don't want to work, want to start at the top and never do manual labor....but here I have a 15 year old girl, who is baby sitting, dog watching, and now working washing dishes.....
it is 3 months....3 months since it happened.
3 months since the 645 am phone call...
"your son is alive, but....."
no one asks me how I am and honestly , I am just me
my heart hurts today.
I have cried
I have tried to text people and I have tried to reach out.
2 people, one being my son, have responded....and he should never have to bare his mother's pain
I must keep quiet
I must be strong.
what I saw was what I saw...
and yes I was the parent notified that day,
only because my child was alive.
I saw her, I identified, I watched and cradled my son in the back seat of a squad car....vomiting and cold.
I shielded his view as they brought her out...
I blocked them from staring when the people on the street were curious...
I pleaded for them to retrieve the phone with all the numbers so that I could call her mom....
They said it is on the table...cannot move it now.
crime scene
They will call....they promised.
3 months later....
I still have the burden not calling.....
the pain of what I saw, yet grateful her mother did NOT have to see
even knowing she wishes she had been there....
I understand.
I drove home today....
3 months post....
contemplating death....
being done with the pain I carry, which should not be
It is my own ....
it would not help....
I know this.
my heart hurts for all of them....
I cannot fix it...
but yet for some reason....
I carry it
I still hear the cries,
I still see what I saw
I still carry guilt
wtf
I just want this to end...
for the sun to shine
to be done
no one asks how I feel or did feel.
what I saw....
am I ok
yes.
sure
I'm ok
we don't talk about it
we stay strong
mother
strong
Hard as it is, because I looked at these texts often when my heart was /is heavy to remind myself I am beautiful, smart, loving and that others can see that.
I also read them to remind myself that
my issues weigh my soul down, yet I have the ability to change.
These talks and texts have taught me to move forward, instead of fear change
In the last year I have learned a lot about myself and continue to move forward in my plans to better myself and life for me.
It will forever break my heart to not communicate with someone I took a chance and opened myself up to...but that is part of life. He knows where I am and how to let me know he is there if anything is needed.
I am thankful
So silly, but a spot is here....waiting, and if able, I would be right there....
for whatever
Clear a space I must....
strong girl....
write ya later,
and ps.
I love you very much and if you ever need anything...
He called and said,
"Mom, It's been 82 days and it has not gotten any easier, everyday still hurts like the first day"
it makes me cry....and I hate to cry. I cry for her, for you, for Gretchen and Charlie and for everyone who has to deal with this type of death.
Elliot never intended for any of this and would hate for us all to be so sad....I know this in my heart and you do too....but here we are, with nothing to grasp except sadness of this entire situation. We now have a hole where she was to be and grow and experience life with you, Ilin....that was cut too short....and as your mother, this has to be one of the most heart wrenching things to watch unfold. I can in no way take away your pain and that hurts. I had no preparation for this and I'm not sure you really were prepared either, even being in the situation. Gretchen Ford my heart breaks for you, you know that...and nothing you could have done or said would have prepared Ilin or me for this either.
Here is something I would like to add as not only a mom, but as a person who lived a very similar life to Elliot....
1.) stop glamorizing drugs and the culture.... if you know someone who is thinking about trying these drugs, stop them...be stronger than the drug because if you never do the drug, you won't die from it....and I'm being serious. When I talked to Ilin as a young teen, I always said, " I know you are going to do things and try things, that is a known rite of passage, but I want you to know....never do heroin or meth....these are 2 drugs which you will never win with." I reiterated this many times in Ilin's growing years and I feel that maybe it helped a bit to be honest. (A hard line sometimes has to be drawn)
2. If you have younger siblings or friends...keep them from doing these drugs.
They look up to you....
and you may think you don't have an influence, but you do.
The first time I heard to never do heroin, or ever even try it, was from my brother Jack....and I listened.
He looked me in the eye, and said'
"I've done a lot of stuff, but I will never shoot heroin, that shit will kill you, regardless of how good the high might be. Never do heroin, don't even try it. Walk away if anyone tries to get you to do it or tries to make it sound good. It's bad, and it kills you"
3. If you know someone who is struggling, understand that this is not a game, and not a choice
at a certain point, no one can help them except them selves, they have to try to get help on their own and it takes strength and the ability for failure. Often the type of people who get addicted to these drugs are not great at failure, so it is a vicious circle.....and they won't succeed without 100% support, regardless of the situation.
So if you know someone who is trying to get straight, don't push them in the wrong direction.
Please.
4.losing anyone to an overdose is a horrible thing, but also, understanding that, most likely, dying was not their intent....
As Many of my good friends from my younger years can attest to.... with these drugs, there is no in-between. there is no...".I'll just do it today and then I'll be good for a a week....there is no, I'm pretty clean...." 5.The truth, the very hard shitty truth that no one speaks about because it sounds rough ( But sometimes we need some real life truth) either you are 100% clean and sober or you will eventually lose to the drug. This is a truth. so think about that, think about the pain to your friends and family that this may cause. Stop thinking it won't happen to you ....because...... we , this group of Elliots friends, family and lover, thought it would never happen to us.....
I love you all and I want to see all our kids make it to their destination in life and fulfill their dreams, so start talking to your kids and friends and speak up!
Jesus criminy....
if you, as a parent, think this is not in your kid's life...think again.
Ask them if they know anyone who does a little Molly, or smokes alittle heroin in their weed?.
If you are ok with them vaping?....then you have a problem going on...
.ask them. you might be surprised...but you shouldn't be.
This little soul loved ice cream and sushi...
She danced and loved hip hop...
She didn't smoke cigarettes
then...
it became a thing, everyone was doing it.
then she met a person who said,
"You are beautiful, do this with me"
and it was about as simple as that...
One try...the wrong person, a weak hurt teen...
and then
we couldn't fix it.
This is bad etiquette. In most realities it is known as burning bridges.
In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.
well, as of now anyways.
I have people come and go in my life and that is expected.
Dealing with the changes has been challenging.
I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.
Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...
"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.
It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.
Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?
or do they actually care?
Are they playing me?
well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.
I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....
yet, I tend not to.
It's ok...
Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery.
One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross. I believe it is okay. I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.
I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great. late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.
These are the kind of people I adore.
Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...
Wish they were closer to hang with...
but they are not.
One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.
It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.
My response to this is: if you care about someone...
Continue to do so.
People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...
Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.
Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.
A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.
Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.
Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.
As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine.
Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...
and I so wanted to help...
to be a friend, lover, and confidant.
then the realization was that I cannot fix people.
I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?
I think it is/was just me.
My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.
For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.
I need people in my life.
I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...
I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.
In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day. I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.
Until then,
people will come and go
lovers will come and go
but I will be here for myself
and if I need someone to stay
I should ask.
I do need people to stay
Please stay....
"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future. Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."
amen sister
xo
write ya later....
m
ps. this song is for you
p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini
