My heart broke and it was the last time I ever trusted him.
ever.
I printed the emails and saved them.
I confronted and showed them
gaslighting....
"you are crazy. I was just looking. I would never do anything. you are so paranoid...."
and the best,
"you made me do this, because of your insecurities....I'm never good enough"
I turned a blind eye after that. I was told I was unattractive. I was called a nag. I was left to fend for myself, instead of being together ,we were now apart.
Very apart.
I had to get tested. I had to not ask questions so that I was not told I was a crazy person. My heart and mind KNEW there were more than 2 times. I knew it but could do nothing....
While this town is busy sleeping, All the noise has died away. I walk the streets to stop my weeping, 'Cause she'll never change her ways.
Don't fool yourself, She was heartache from the moment that you met her. My heart feels so still As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow. Oh I think I've forgotten her now.
Her love is a rose, pale and dying. Dropping her petals in land unknown All full of wine, the world before her, Was sober with no place to go.
Don't fool yourself, She was heartache from the moment that you met her. My heart is frozen still As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow. She's somewhere out there now.
Well my tears falling down as I try to forget, Her love was a joke from the day that we met. All of the words, all of her men, All of my pain when I think back to when.
Remember her hair as it shone in the sun, The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done. Tell yourself over and over You won't ever need her again.
But don't fool yourself, She was heartache from the moment that you met her. My heart is frozen still As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow. She's out there somewhere now.
Oh she was heartache from the day that I first met her. My heart is frozen still As I try to find the will to forget you, somehow. 'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.
know what's great?
Well, this girl is gonna tell you!
This is great.....
I can have whatever I want on my phone.
I can buy what I want.
I can talk to whom ever I want
I can send whatever pic I want to anyone I want.
I can love who I want.
I can have a beer with whoever I want
I can sit and do nothing if I want.
My money is mine.
If someone says ....
lets go to "______" for the weekend, I can go.
I can go to a show with who ever I want.
I can stay out as long as I want.
If I don't want to eat dinner...
I don't have to worry about anyone else
There are many things that aren't great....
many many many.....
But lets go with what's great right here right now.
It's gonna be ok....
I'm gonna cry a lot...
I'm gonna be mad a lot....
I'm gonna miss his love and touch he used to give me ....a lot
I'm gonna miss the good things, and there were good things, many good things
I'm gonna miss his sense of humor....
I'm gonna miss just having someone here....
But....
It's gonna be ok.
for us both....
for all of us....
I hope he sees that in the end....
that being happy is good and maybe, he will eventually see I'm not the bitch he thinks I am....
that I am who I am....
I am strong....
I am funny ....
I am adventurous....
I am a mom....
I am a lover....
I am me....
I am the person he loved at one time....
I still really am.....
xo,
m
I would have given you all of my heart But there's someone who's torn it apart And she's taken almost all that I've got But if you want, I'll try to love again Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest 'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst But when it comes to being loved she's first That's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest
I still want you by my side Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried 'Cause I'm sure gonna give you a try And if you want, I'll try to love again But baby, I'll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst But when it comes to being loved, she's first That's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's curse When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst But when it comes to being loved, she's first
Green Smoothie: Spinach, (blah), green apple, strawberry, put butter, banana, whey protein powder, water....blend, chia seeds.
meal complete, sans chewing...
perfect for my nonchalant, sick of chewing attitude.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to take nice candid shots of me...ya know, just so when I'm missing they will find me...
If you were to look on B's social media or phone, or picture history you will find no mention (in pictures) of me. There are many many pictures of Olive, of himself...his car, his guitars, amps....motorcycles....dog....
not me.
I asked him about this and he said his social media is for work.
Hmmm...ok. are tacos work?
What I believe to be true is that I am slightly under par according to him.
so we will leave it at that.
In return I take many of my own happy selfies...
the best being the "I don't care after workout/ run" selfies
and leg and feet selfies ( because they are always cute).
They go lots and lots of places.
I have even contemplated a picture book of all the travels and countries I have photoed my feet.
not for anyone...just me....dont worry I won't be gifting those.
candid photos are a luxury because you have to have someone who sees something and who has the care to take a picture.
I take a ton of pictures and my favorites are the ones I take of my friends just being.
They hate it until I send them later.
I often see them used as profile pics and such which makes me happy.
I'm careful to never post an unflattering picture because I feel that is a bit of a bummer and happens quite often when I'm looking at random shots on media.
capturing people in their form is a beautiful loving thing.
here are a few that make me smile.
Kris ....old lady cartwheels....yes she was drinking
we call her Betty, and she is always smiling and gives the best hugs.
Photo ops....It wasn't my op, but I took advantage
This kid was funny...dog dish reinvented....
the Litas...I took this, they use it all the time...I'm not in it
my sweet work wife, Heather....ready for radiation
Pictures ....
Don't hate me for snapping so many, If I love you.....
Hard as it is, because I looked at these texts often when my heart was /is heavy to remind myself I am beautiful, smart, loving and that others can see that.
I also read them to remind myself that
my issues weigh my soul down, yet I have the ability to change.
These talks and texts have taught me to move forward, instead of fear change
In the last year I have learned a lot about myself and continue to move forward in my plans to better myself and life for me.
It will forever break my heart to not communicate with someone I took a chance and opened myself up to...but that is part of life. He knows where I am and how to let me know he is there if anything is needed.
I am thankful
So silly, but a spot is here....waiting, and if able, I would be right there....
for whatever
Clear a space I must....
strong girl....
write ya later,
and ps.
I love you very much and if you ever need anything...
He called and said,
"Mom, It's been 82 days and it has not gotten any easier, everyday still hurts like the first day"
it makes me cry....and I hate to cry. I cry for her, for you, for Gretchen and Charlie and for everyone who has to deal with this type of death.
Elliot never intended for any of this and would hate for us all to be so sad....I know this in my heart and you do too....but here we are, with nothing to grasp except sadness of this entire situation. We now have a hole where she was to be and grow and experience life with you, Ilin....that was cut too short....and as your mother, this has to be one of the most heart wrenching things to watch unfold. I can in no way take away your pain and that hurts. I had no preparation for this and I'm not sure you really were prepared either, even being in the situation. Gretchen Ford my heart breaks for you, you know that...and nothing you could have done or said would have prepared Ilin or me for this either.
Here is something I would like to add as not only a mom, but as a person who lived a very similar life to Elliot....
1.) stop glamorizing drugs and the culture.... if you know someone who is thinking about trying these drugs, stop them...be stronger than the drug because if you never do the drug, you won't die from it....and I'm being serious. When I talked to Ilin as a young teen, I always said, " I know you are going to do things and try things, that is a known rite of passage, but I want you to know....never do heroin or meth....these are 2 drugs which you will never win with." I reiterated this many times in Ilin's growing years and I feel that maybe it helped a bit to be honest. (A hard line sometimes has to be drawn)
2. If you have younger siblings or friends...keep them from doing these drugs.
They look up to you....
and you may think you don't have an influence, but you do.
The first time I heard to never do heroin, or ever even try it, was from my brother Jack....and I listened.
He looked me in the eye, and said'
"I've done a lot of stuff, but I will never shoot heroin, that shit will kill you, regardless of how good the high might be. Never do heroin, don't even try it. Walk away if anyone tries to get you to do it or tries to make it sound good. It's bad, and it kills you"
3. If you know someone who is struggling, understand that this is not a game, and not a choice
at a certain point, no one can help them except them selves, they have to try to get help on their own and it takes strength and the ability for failure. Often the type of people who get addicted to these drugs are not great at failure, so it is a vicious circle.....and they won't succeed without 100% support, regardless of the situation.
So if you know someone who is trying to get straight, don't push them in the wrong direction.
Please.
4.losing anyone to an overdose is a horrible thing, but also, understanding that, most likely, dying was not their intent....
As Many of my good friends from my younger years can attest to.... with these drugs, there is no in-between. there is no...".I'll just do it today and then I'll be good for a a week....there is no, I'm pretty clean...." 5.The truth, the very hard shitty truth that no one speaks about because it sounds rough ( But sometimes we need some real life truth) either you are 100% clean and sober or you will eventually lose to the drug. This is a truth. so think about that, think about the pain to your friends and family that this may cause. Stop thinking it won't happen to you ....because...... we , this group of Elliots friends, family and lover, thought it would never happen to us.....
I love you all and I want to see all our kids make it to their destination in life and fulfill their dreams, so start talking to your kids and friends and speak up!
Jesus criminy....
if you, as a parent, think this is not in your kid's life...think again.
Ask them if they know anyone who does a little Molly, or smokes alittle heroin in their weed?.
If you are ok with them vaping?....then you have a problem going on...
.ask them. you might be surprised...but you shouldn't be.
This little soul loved ice cream and sushi...
She danced and loved hip hop...
She didn't smoke cigarettes
then...
it became a thing, everyone was doing it.
then she met a person who said,
"You are beautiful, do this with me"
and it was about as simple as that...
One try...the wrong person, a weak hurt teen...
and then
we couldn't fix it.
I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.
yup...3, with sugared rim. I'm going to tell you they were divine.
I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....
unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.
I do bad things on tequila.
I used to fight....
really fight.
I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.
( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)
So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.
(fight club)
This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...
My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell,
"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".
(romper stomper)
Pretty sure this is how I looked ....
with all my friends standing behind me
Pipsqueak...that's what I was
(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)
Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....
Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day.
Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day.
As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,
"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "
Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)
I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"
"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"
What?What!
I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but
1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile
2. I barely know him
3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month
My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.
Tacos....mmmmm
ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?
I'm in...I'll have just one.
(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)
Just one...sheesh
slurrrrrp.
B, to bathroom....
"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"
then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...
then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....
then ordered one more just for shit's sake....
then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"
and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...
I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....
text sent....
realize text is sent....
think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....
"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"
the girl in the next stall says
"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"
and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"
then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.
Ok, B...let's go...
On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion
"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"
Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'
I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"
shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh
make it home with mouth shut
no Fight Club tonight.
Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.
so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.
I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...
where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."
and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"
I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...
ok you got my number. :))
so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.
I lost a day.
I sent a text to an old lover...
and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....
I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.
but ...
guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...
