Thursday Night Update

 here we go ...

I saved my drink of the week for writing tonight. I feel like I have earned it. 

It is interesting how things just ebb and flow. One week I am at my wits end with work, my body, my life...then Boom... just like that, I could give 2 shits.  Just keep moving forward. 

As long as I don't think " to what end am I moving forward?  There is only so much forward I can go before the forward is over"

. Weird thought, huh?

Work

Work has been fine.

I had a long discussion with myself last week on the drive into work. It's work. No need to be dramatic. The job isn't bad, the people are fine.....the problem is that it is just work, and that is part of the picture. I'll be just fine. Just do what I do, stay on the no problem list and make the money....then go on vacation or save to buy a house somewhere quiet. 

Health

Health is keeping me on my toes. I spent my late 30's to late 40's preparing my body for retirement. I wanted to be strong enough, fit enough and solid enough to be able to enjoy life in my late 50's on.  I wanted to wear the bikini, jump off the cliff and ride the motorcycles. 

When my feet started hurting and I could no longer run, I think I just quit. I think in hindsight I was so mad at my body, or myself, that I literally just quit trying to be that person.  I realized that maybe part of this was menopause and the feeling of distress that no matter what I did I would never be strong again or even worse I would forever be in this pain that I have been quietly experiencing. I decided, " ok, I don't need to run, but please, PLEASE can I walk without pain so that I can at least hike? Please...." 

That has yet to be determined. 

I started back to the gym. I called my Dr and she started me on HRT.  It's controversial for me because I had breast cancer, but after counseling and looking at my life, past and future hopes, we decided together that living my best life is more beneficial at this point, because what good is longevity if I can't function?  HRT is coming with some pretty weird side effects , hopefully temporary, so I'm ok with that. Within a week my aches and pains in my joints are gone, my sleep went from 3-4 hours a night to 7-9. This alone has made me less tired and emotional.  On the downside I started my period again because of the estrogen....but I can survive that. Been dealing with that for 35 years so it is what it is. I have been requested to do a follow up in 3 months. I was tested for BRCA gene and will get an ultra sound and an MRI for a tumor in my uterus, so that we can monitor if it is growing or if it's just a cyst. Two weeks now and my feet still hurt, but I will schedule an appointment with a sports medicine doctor and see what the next step is.  All in all, I feel positive.  I have been lifting weights 3 times a week and going to at least 2 to 3 classes ,including yoga ,a week.  This is really helping my mind set. Yoga is honestly been a real game changer for me and my mind.

I'm drinking only about 3 drinks/beer a week and feel better but sometimes want to have a few more still...but I think that is ok. I can indulge once in a while. 

Goals

I really need to finish some things in which I have started, and I know that. Big goals for this summer are some house upkeep including building a divider wall in our attic guest room. ( I have never done that before but I think I can do it).  I want to learn how to fly fish ( got the poles all ready ). I want to get stronger at gravel riding and quit being a silent crybaby in my head when I ride. And the big goal.....I really want to put money down on a piece of property. Anything.... something that is mine and I can maybe put a little trailer on and have a place to go and invite friends.

This summer we have plans of camping and a few small local trips and I am even planning a few solo things.  I'm grateful my other half encourages this.  I would love to solo travel to Georgia to see my friend Ivey, the nurse I bested with in NY during Covid.  I just miss her.

Well, that is probably enough blabbering for now.  There literally was no comedy or depth to this writing...it was just to say I am moving forward and learning to accept all of this new stuff with grace.

xo.

write ya later

m

Yoga day 10

Yoga day 10, yeah, shut it....

I missed a few.

But, I'm still going.

No where near where my athletic ability was 3 years ago, but times have changed and the fact I keep moving is at least something, right?

I'm super tired,

but maybe that is normal.

I get up at 445am and head to work by 515am

I am working 4 full days a week, 

then I picked up Fridays at the hospital as a PRN.

It's all good 

Therapy for the kid is not cheap....

but like hell would I ever deny her help or the chance to talk to a therapist.

This is parenting,

this is love.

the kid may hate me right now

but that's ok.

we got this.

I have a few goals 

I have a lot of shit I would like to yell at the world

but I am learning silence is key

I am learning to live in my skin

and live in my life

happiness

love

Can't wait for warm weather

SUP boarding

travel

National Parks

Roller Skating

Gravel Bike

Running if my feet allow

Camping

Music

Outdoor Parties

friends

Gardening

 

Good stuff

write ya later

m

 

Gifted a damn bloom Orchid Bullshit compared to Life

Hey Oh, Hello

this happened last night.

My 79 cent orchid from the Kingsoopers throwaway bin

 in which I have been nursing back to health for a year...

bloomed.

My takeaway?

Keep caring, loving and doing

it'll happen

consistant and persistant

bwahahaha

that's dumb, but you get the drift.

On that note, my damn foot is hurting again.

I am trying to start training for a race and boom

foot pain

It's killing me on the inside because running was my way of clearing my mind.

even if I wasn't going far, it was mind clearing.

I have ordered some new running shoes and will be getting rid of all my others and see if that is the issue 

including my work Danskos

I am also going to start 

Yoga with Adrienne online.

I've been told that stretching may help my feet

how the fuck that works, I don't know.

I should know, because I am a nurse and I did take many years of anatomy and physiology

but my heel baffles me.

so, on the advice of some non medical person via Tok Tok, 

I will Yoga.

hey at least I'm following Yoga advice and not Joe Rogan's

I'll shut up now.

listen....

that Orchid?

Don't be scared of Orchids.

here's what you do

Bring home, 

get some orchid bark.

dump all the dirt out that it came in but keep that weird little plastic pot.

Make sure there is plenty of drainage....I cut slits in the sides too

clean of the roots and clip the nasty roots 

you can google this on Youtube

then rinse the roots, put in pot and put those bark chips around.

I then run the water through the pot and let it drain.

after the water has drained put back in decrative pot.

I place in a north facing window

it's by my kitchen sink so maybe it gets some humidity, I don't fucking know.

But I watch its leaves,  too much water they get weird and wrinkly soft, too little water, the same way

but don't panic 

just water like once a month...

and change those wood chips 

2x a year. 

and I always say watch a You Tube about it

but don't give up.

well even if you do 

it's just a fucking Orchid.

you can get another.

I'm gonna go Yoga

maybe I need to keep track of my yoga 

be accountable

let me see how day one goes

xo

m 

 

Disgust

miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m

RE-solution: to do more art

Every year I say this and that.  I can't even go back to look for fear of how depressing it could be.

I'm thinking this year: Not so extreme.

Stay healthy….I will do that by running when I feel like it, working out at least 3 times a week and my big one; try to only have drinks one day a week.   That should kill me dead by January 7th.

I want to do more art.  Mostly because I suck and it helps me concentrate and try to get out of my head a bit.  It may even help me finish a few things.

I really like the idea of starting things.  BIG PLANS, you know.  Start a project, buy everything, start it, then realize, wow, I have to clean this shit up.  This is definitely not as much fun as it looked on Pinterest.  

Eff You Pinterest.

Another goal.  

Continue my secret meditation practice and my readings from different teachers.  I do actually realize I'll never hit Nirvana, but I can shoot for Prahna, right?

Yoga, meditation and a few less beers may bring me a wee bit closer to the right level. 

I'll tell you one thing.  I attempted to find Zen in cleaning the paintbrushes today after Olive and I had arts and crafts.  

 digipic of Clint Eastwood.   hard to see unless you are avout 40 feet back.   Squint your eyes uo

Olive working on Harajuki .  She is quite the artist.

Well, tomorrow I'm back to work.

I had a nice relaxing 5 days off.

Write ya later

Flip that leaf

Not even turn over a new leaf...i'm flippin' that baby!
Last night as I tossed and turned in bed I realized I'm not happy being stagnant....even when sleeping.  It's definitely one of my issues.  As I perused Facebook I noticed a friend of a friend talking about Skirtchasers 5K.  What the hell...I'll sign up.  I did.  Then I tossed and turned some more.  I told myself I will get up and start completing some tasks.  Start heading towards a goal...(I'm good with goals).
I got up at 630, did some laundry, got Olive ready for school, walked her to school, then headed straight to hot yoga.  shew...it was hot and exhausting and now I feel empty and it's only 1130...I am going to finish grocery shopping, prepare a menu for the week and last but not least...I'm going to reupholster my chair.  Yup, kind of out of order but that is this weeks goals.

here is what I have on my temporary paper plate:
1. send off new resume to a few hospitals for telemetry floor (hearts)
2. grocery shop
3.get tags for motorcycle
4. run the 5k this weekend
5.keep training for 10k Sept. 19
6.Hot yoga once a week
reupholster my chair...

see, list complete...gotta go get on it

xo m
I'm sore from yoga...I thought yoga was supposed to relax you

center for balance

The other night I made time for myself to go to yoga. I had missed my running due to my orientation at the new job and felt like I owed it to myself, and to Synda, to show up to something...
It was in an adorable tiny studio in Loveland and we attended the "candlelight" class. It was dark and I had no idea what I was doing. I have previously been going to the Hot Yoga classes which Synda used to teach. It's similar to Military Yoga and would kill a frail person if not knowing what to expect. Candle light yoga is more similar to flow...but it doesn't really flow if you don't know the names of the positions and have to crane your neck to figure which direction your butt is supossed to be facing.
As we worked through the class I felt confused and couldn't hold a pose. I knew it was because I was not thinking about my body I was thinking about what comes next.

As we walked home, Synda commented on how strong I am. Yes, I'm strong. But it doesn't do any good until you can use your strength.
I have no balance.
I know I have no balance in my life right now.
The lady who was with us made a fabulous comparison for me, and it really hit home.
She said," It's like a potter's wheel and clay...once you let your mind go and know your center the clay just lines right up with your body."
You have to know your center, you must have balance in your life, you must let your heart line up.
Maybe this is why I needed to go to that candlelight yoga.
center

Bikram...if it doesn't kill you

.......
the first day, you will wish it had on day two. I am not an avid practicer of Bikram...or anything for that matter,but since I started my 190 day count down to getting in shape I have really been embracing...,well, everything. At this point nothing can really hurt. I take that back, it appears that everything actually hurts, but I am proving to myself that if you stick to it you actually start to firm things up. ( Note*** guy in picture above...firming up)

Synda's Bikram class has not a single man in the class which looks like that. If she did, my 190 days would have been completed in 35 days because I would have attended every class, every day, in order to view that beauty.

Most of the men resemble this(see below), usually a bit hairier, often less clothes. You get my drift.

Look, I'm no Jenny Mcarthy either, but when you are busting a sweat and a move...you want something to look at to keep you motivated.

Back to class. 190 days have now moved down to 27 days and anything that seems like a good workout is getting my vote of approval. Bikram burns 1000 calories and that is all I need to say.
I have finally figured out how to make my body move into some of the poses and make it out of the 90 minute class in one piece. The problem is the next day I often feel like a Mack truck has tapped me in the rear. My weird muscles hurt; ex: armpit, crotch, ankle? Who knew I had muscles there? Whatever the case, today at work I can barely type, but in the back of my mind I know I burned 1000 calories, used my imagination to make man with hairy chest look like man with boner (above), almost mastered the "Locust Pose Salabhasana", and after a few more Jackie Warner and Jillian Michael's videos I will be ready for the summer. Will you?

Snow

It's snowing...we are to get 16" by this afternoon. I called home and said, "Ilin, please put on appropriate clothes for a blizzard."



See, he has to walk himself to school. Sometimes when I come home from work I see he hasn't even put on boots to walk the mile...he wears his crappy skater shoes.


"Do you want to freeze to death?"


maybe it's better than going to school...

~yeah, kiddo, I hear ya...I thought the same thing on the way to work...maybe I'll slide off the road and not have to go~

Well, I made it to work, which sucks butt because now I will probably be stuck here. Although I have plans to leave even if I have to sit next door. See the hospital never closes and when there is a blizzard they started doing weird stuff like asking you to spend the night so the next shift doesn't have to come in. NO...I came in...they can come in, it's Colorado....they better figure that shit out.

Last night Synda came over and we did the new Jillian Michaels 40 minute circuit training. It was hard!!!!! I actually thought I was going to die, but Synda kept saying, "look we are almost done" Today the sides of my ass feel like I was punched and my stomach muscles are saying hello. I wish it wasn't 40 minutes long...40 minutes is too much to wrap my brain around when I'm getting ready to work out. 20 minutes is doable....40 minutes torture.

Best part was when we were all done and we got to have veggie taco salad and a cookie (and a small beer, shhhhhhhh). We planned to go to Bikrim tonight...but with 85" of snow....probably not.

I guess I better get to work, because honestly, I am going to try to leave around 1 pm. I have a chapter to finish reading for micro. and a short essay to write for a scholarship I'm applying for...Plus I need to finish those damn "slither gauntlets". Synda mentioned something about knitting a bucket hat for the summer...of course all I could think of was:


I think I would look snappy in that hat.

Friday from the Universe

Friday...thank you, thank you for getting me through the week. My letter from the Universe ,yes I get email from the Universe, along with Hancock fabrics,Borders, and some odd email from Christian Singles(?), anyway the message said:

"Feeling incomplete does not make you so. It's how legends are born, giants are made, and history is written. It's why you're here. To ever so briefly escape your true identity as you live with an unquenchable thirst that will lead into adventures of grandeur, discovery, and a realization that love is all there is.
You so rock, M
The Universe"

With that said, today I think I will concentrate on not quantity of daily crap, but my form.
Sit back, relax, think, think:
form
I can do it...
Escape true identity...feel uneasy,do something harder than usual:
form

(if i could have photo-shopped my face on there I would have)

I have this exact pose, right now, in my office chair.
This is my preparation for the weekend.
Watch out Weekend!

All together now...

Thank you-Thank you Very Much

Yes, I did it. I went to the Hot Yoga. I needed to buy Synda's friendship for at least a few more months.
It was good. It was hot and no matter how many people say you sweat...you have no idea. I think men may often sweat at high volumes, you know, when the play man sports, but women...we usually get a wet armpit or a little glossy. Hot Yoga----You SWEAT! My ankles were sweating. Buckets and buckets of sweat. So very sweaty I couldn't hold onto my own body parts to do some of the poses. I did it and I'm proud of myself. I'm not sure I believe I burned 800-1000 calories, although I may have sweat out a gallon of water. Afterwards we went to the Pumphouse to ruin the burn with beer. We had a huge plate of big gooey nachos and a side greek salad. Synda and I split it so as not to totally ruin the workout. I slept like a baby...didn't wake up once last night.

So here are the things I don't like about yoga (in case you are thinking of trying it)

First of all, I'm a normal punk rock kinda girl...so the entire "peaceful spirit thing" doesn't set well, but I'm working on it.

I don't like the smell. I can't figure it out. Is it the stinky mats? Or the sweaty Bamboo floor? It's not BO it's more cat pee smell. Don't like it. I'm sensitive to smell and that one is yukky.

I hate the way my belly fat rolls over my britches when we do the poses. I know it's normal but that is the absolute last thing I want to see in the mirror or when i'm "tucking my head and elongating my spine" El Fatto Rollo. It's gross and I can't concentrate.

I don't like the sounds of people moaning or ohming. I am learning to not listen but then someone will sound like they are having their first orgasm in 20 years and my concentration is shot.

Here's what I do like about Yoga

Every time I do it, I feel as if I've accomplished a task similar to climbing all the stairs at the Statue of Liberty. I want to jump up for joy and slap myself on the back when the 90 minutes are over. I actually think I did give myself a cheer yesterday, then I noticed no one else was clapping for their selves so I stopped.

I like the sweat, It's sexy.

It makes me feel pretentious for 90 minutes in my otherwise cheap ass boring life. I can be "better" than the average person for a bit. I know...that is a shitty thing to say but it's true.

I realize my body is strong and I don't look so bad for a 39 1/2 year old who has squeezed 2 very large babies from her once slender loins....with no help (thank you very much)

Here's how Yoga would be better for the average person

Comedy Yoga...it would lighten the mood. Screw that inner peace bullshit and bring on the funny. My life, and I'm sure many others, is too dull and full of crap to sit and inner reflect on what could be. Lets have some full out funny Chris Rock or Jerry Seinfield teaching the class. Those poses are hysterical and it would lighten the mood if someone said" Don't worry about the fat roll, worry about the fact the man 2 feet in front of you in the Downward Dog had broccoli salad for lunch...that is what you need to worry about"

They could offer some light beer or a nice glass of chilled wine after the session. Much more refreshing and relaxing then Synergy Yoga Piss Water.

Tell the new people to ask for help. I can't even remember my left from right when I'm in there and then they do these pretzel poses and I'm lost...they just don't make it conducive for help. You feel like an idiot

Last, but not least. I understand they don't want riff raff in there...but 15$ for a class??!!! Come on. Enough said.

i will go back...I do like it...
Today we are starting the 100 pushups...please join us on the quest for Madonna Man Arms

What a great surprise!

I can not tell you how happy I was when Myssi walked through the studio doors before class tonight! She always says she is going to take my class and every time I teach I wait for her...but tonight she was there.

Myssi, you did such a great job and you didn't give me any shit during class. I hope you come back again. Maybe next time we can take class together. I guess all it takes is eating a crapload of frosting to get you in there. The cupcakes are so cute and yummy too!

too punk for yoga...and crafty wafty day

So, Synda and I went to yoga again today. I have come to the realization that I'm too punk rock for yoga. She swears Bikrim is cooler, but I have a hard time getting past the Ohming. I love the way I feel afterwards and the fact it works muscles I didn't even know I had...It's just too loving of an environment. I'm gonna keep going...just to prove to myself that it is just my freaky side that gets weirded out...that it is all real normal...real normal.

When we were done we headed with Bobby and the Princess's(olive and ryland) to the Pumphouse brewery to reward Bobby for babysitting with Espresso Stout. Happy daddoo....

...then we headed home for the day of crafting. I had printed patterns and got most everything ready. Synda was going to make some headbands and I, a Hobo Bag.

We stopped at the fabric store and got some stuff and rushed home to get started.  Synda couldn't find the fabric for the headbands but I found some cool stuff for a bag that appealed to my pocketbook and got started....In 5 hours, yes 5 hours, Synda was able to crochet an awesome hat for Ilin Blue and I cut and put together a very snappy reversible hobo bag which will be for sale on Etsy (see the store on the side).

I was impressed with our craftiness...and we barely drank.  Hmmmm what's up with that?  There are the pictures.  I have to make dinner and then study..Yuk!!!  almost finals!

write ya later

xo

m