Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

I Can't Breathe.... Therapy

It's a goddamn pleasure lately to finally see that sun in the morning.

This separation has been liberating, yet exhausting due to the fact of non sleep, so by the time 450 am rolls around I am ready for the morning to take away the night time thoughts and mind banter and start the mundane day.

Therapy was difficult and I am going to throw out a disclaimer right now....

I am going to be honest, so if you are a family member or someone who may have picked sides or does not agree with how I interpret my life's story stop reading now.

This small separation has given me time to be myself and concentrate on letting my insecurities go. To stop worrying about why he does not love me or need me....to stop looking for secrets that are not there and just try to trust and be me.  It has been difficult to stop snooping, but I did it. I sat down with myself and said, " nothing you find is going to fix anything ( honestly I never have found anything so I have no idea what makes me do this short of mistrust and previous baggage) and M, you have to let the people in your life be their authentic selves."

It has been good to not even have an interest in what and where he needs to be to heal himself, but to focus on me healing myself....and to feel again. I actually want him to go out....stay out all night. love and have fun, see if this is what he wants or is there some other area he needs to explore.

we had our first together session....

she promised it would be a positive session.  These sessions are based on mirroring , which is classic, and appears goofy, but it really opened a door.

We sat and discussed a few goals and rules....then she said we will face each other and use her prompts which will pull positive feelings from long ago, maybe things we have long forgotten....and to feel what they meant back then.

she led the session ( I am not going into depth because , yes it is personal...)

It started as such :

B, go back to the first time you knew you were attracted to M...look at her and tell her what that person was feeling at that moment....the moment you knew.

As I sat across from him and looked at his eyes searching back and his mind going back and I saw a small light. He barely hesitated, only the amount of time to go back to the moment 19 years ago.  

Before he could speak, my body and mind could not take it.   

Having to hear how the moment he saw me , and we had never met before, THAT moment....that exact moment... what he felt ..... he knew he was going to step into my life just by me walking into the area.....

I started to have anxiety, a panic attack, the room got dark and I could only hear my pants and sobs and heart beat in my head.  I looked at the therapist and squeaked, "I can't I can't I can't hear it....I can't feel this anymore.... I can't do this" 

B sat quietly and waited for the direction.

she pulled me back and had me center , feel my feet, breathe , get out of the now and go back to that time...not now and how it is now....but before I knew him and or had just met him....the moments before he and I picked each other.

I gathered my heart and breathing....and looked back at him 

she prompted him again...."go back 19 years and tell her what you felt and saw and knew the first time you met or saw her"

"I was first attracted to you the first time I saw you , your personality was so big, and bubbly, and your laugh, you walked into the room and you filled the room....I knew"

then I repeated what I heard him say....it was so difficult...to give credit and strength to words I had not heard before ,from him....validation.

she prompted again:

When you became a little closer , B, stay back then...not now, back then...Tell M how she made you feel :  "you made me feel special , wanted, like you picked me.  You made me want to try new things and laugh, and be there with you all the time... I felt a part of something, safe ."

it went on like this...and then we switched roles .

when we were done my head was pounding and I was exhausted.  There was a small part of our pasts which we touched on...childhood, but that is very private. The session opened us up and although we were both very vulnerable....hearing why we looked at each other that very first time in Las Vegas....when he explained I never even saw him, but he saw me

.... he knew ....

he knew it was me and that was the moment

.... my heart and love was there for him.  for that moment in those 2 chairs I was in love with him again.

Las Vegas 19 years ago (Viva Las Vegas 2000)

it took him about 5 hours to find out where I was that night....I do remember him telling me this story. I was with other people ....we had never met, but we had spoke via a chat room on Yahoo. He was in a well known band and I was just there to have fun.  He saw me in a vintage dress laughing and being scurried along by two other men and a few girls....he said I was tiny and probably drunk, red hair, laughing and filling up space....he knew it was me even from a distance...and he knew I was it.

this ....no worries...

 Somehow either he or I texted, one or the other on those ancient T9 cell phones at about 4 am ( of course I was awake and could no longer sit in a cramped hotel space with 4 other people sleeping) 

he said "I'm up, i'll come get you"  for me that was my knowing point....he came for me....4 am...got in his car, picked me up, he looked so perfect with his fancy rockabilly vintage clothes, big blond pompadour and a small smile on his face.  Do you want to get coffee?   yes.  yes I do.

 (and knowing him now....this is and was amazing, because he is NOT a morning person.... he would never get up at 4am.)

   We spent the next 3 days together laughing, driving all over, drinking and actually staying away from the entire festival in which we were there to see ( except when he had to play).

so, this was a tiny bit of therapy,   we had both admitted, or stated, we have one foot in and one foot out right now.  ready to leave if need be.   and I'm not positive if he can ever love me again like that...or as strongly as my soul needs.  the therapist said, no decisions need to be made now.  lets just learn about each other and empathy....see if we can fix and learn some reasons we are no longer communicating or connecting.

and I'm good with that.

I am also good with , using this time to practice loving again.   to let others tell me how fun I am and to enjoy people wanting to love me and spend fun time together.  I literally forgot how many friends I have and how much fun we can actually have when there is not a sour spot to dampen the adventure.

My heart is open and as I stated before, love is flowing in and out and I cannot deny I am loving these people and me again.

give it time.

write ya later

xo, 

m

its all good.  

Learning to adjust a twatty attitude

I had a different topic I was going to write about tonight, but I have had a few things on my mind which I need to address for myself.

As of late I am trying to own my person.  It is not easy because my person, me, is a twat.

Part of this, owning me, is coming down to lots of change that is a bit uncomfortable and extremely difficult because I am not one to give up what little bit of control I have of my fraying self.

I have been attempting to own my mistakes and acknowledge faults which are being pointed out to me. I have told myself there is no excuse for my behavior regardless of my hurt and pain. The way I have started to work on this is by first telling myself that I have made it this far. I have to look at myself everyday and see the faults in the mirror, but those faults, those looks, the features, the glasses, the hair, the wrinkles, the unattractive hands, breasts, vagina, cellulite and feet are me.

No matter how many miles I run....they will still be there.

 I will still feel like the woman who was told she will never be loved like she wants, satisfied, or happy enough with anything....

That I am too much of a problem, too hard to love, even if the person wants to.

2/9/19

Knowing this is hard, hearing it is harder, living it is absolutely soul breaking.

I have so much to say about all of this....

At work the other day I got called to the office for a poor attitude.  

Imagine that. 

This has been on repeat for what seems like too long. The turning point was not when work boss told me to make a correction ( being clear to point out that the patients I care for have nothing but great things to say about me and the people I work around say my skills are among the top)

but it was when someone I love dearly told me I make others the bad guy, and always assume the worst. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew he was right because I felt so hurt, so embarrassed and just shitty.

shitty

I was thankful he called me out...and hurt me hard enough to make me think.

I can only move forward one day at a time and try to do better and to apologize. 

Learning to let go of control is going to be difficult for me. My work ethic is stronger than most and I get irritated when people do not do things as they should be done...

But this is not my position to correct people, my job is to work the way I work and be the person I hope will stand out.

I also cannot assume everyone is out to hurt me. I need to start letting people love me and trust that they actually care about me. 

Control is what has allowed me to survive a rough young adult life, a few traumas, divorce, single parenthood, loss, and my own hatred.

Letting go of control might allow my attitude to soften and to trust that someone will be there when I stumble, because of now, my answer to everything is , " I'll just do it myself. "

And that is not really what I want. 

I really do not

I want to be able to ask for help, as much as I help others.

To let someone lead me.

To learn not to demand, as I was taught as a young girl, but to allow it to happen.

My person is tired of taking care of everything and it needs a break.

That might be the first step to helping this twatty attitude change.

letting go.

why does it take so long to learn this shit?

Write ya later,

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

It's just fucking tacos

     Everyday seems to become more of a WTF moment in life. Ya know, ya try to get your meditation in, workout, be kind, then someone forgets your goddamn tacos on Taco Tuesday.

No shit....it can really mess a family up.

We ventured out to our favorite nameless taco joint in our town for the Taco Tuesday 1$ tacos. Just to be clear, we go all the time, not just for cheap tacos.

We made the mistake of heading in a little later than usual so it was the big rush.

We waited the standard 45 minutes to sit....it's fine, pretty normal around here. Sat down, ordered drinks and chips and salsa.  So far so good. Placed our order, then proceeded to watch multiple tables get their food and leave while we still sat there. Being a former waitress, I should have asked earlier, but being a female who never blames anyone else kept me from asking, "Where's my TACOs???"

1.5 hours went by for 6 tacos and the waitress finally came by to see how everything was.  

I just looked right at her and said " what's going on....it's been almost 2 hours for 6 tacos" 

She about died.  She thought we had all ready eaten and we were just taking up space.  At that point I felt bad...  this is what waitressing nightmares are made of.  ( if you ever waited tables you know what I'm talking about).  She apologized and went to see what had happened ...she came back mortified and said it was her fault (brave lil mother fucker), she forgot to out the order in.

For the record.... I did not freak out..... I did the even worse thing.  

I calmly said..." It's ok, it's cool, can we have the check for our 3 beers , chips and salsa, and soda? I have to get up in 5 hours for work "  She went, came back and said the owner was buying us everything and gave us comp tickets for next visit.   This is always a nice gesture, but not necessary.  The other half sat silently across the table.  I made the decision to leave....I could not sit there 30 minutes more to wait for 6 tacos.

Sad part is.....it was 9pm.  no more Taco Tuesday open in our little town after 830. I knew I had opened a can of worms with my decision. 

As we walked out the silent other half turned into a 2 year old, break down city....which I understand, but grown men should not act as such. "Fine , I guess I won't eat tonight....I don't want to cook so I guess, just fine. "

Then decided to write a scathing review of our favorite restaruant and post it.  

I guess this story is 2 or 3 fold. 

1. shit happens.  Was I a bit peeved? yes, but mistakes happen, we are all human and it was just fucking tacos.  I just didn't want to sit anymore....I have been up since 4 am, I'm tired. 

2. More often than not I start seeing assholeyness in people that I really wish I didn't. I don't care for childish, footstomping behavior from grown men.  It's like screaming when they see a spider.  It just isn't working for me anymore.

3. It's just fucking tacos.

4 unrelated: Today I realized when someone said, " there is nothing like disrobing a man in a suit to have good sex".  hmmmm  Like James Bond style? I have never in my life had sex with a man who wears a suit.  I have never even been with a man who wears a nice suit, let alone take one off of someone. 

I'll just dwell on that for a while. Remember , it's just fucking tacos....shit happens , and if you are a man....just deal with the spider, please.

write you later,

m

Disgust

miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m