Brain, take one for the team will ya?

When one knows the track record of self preservation often tries to win over love...

Things get iffy

Little moments where you smile 

or little moments where you question...

what is my brain doing?

why isn't my heart fighting?

better yet, 

where the hell are my feet taking me?

We have all been there....

questioning ability

questioning worth

and even worse...

questioning fate.

Here's what I think

Brain...get with the heart...

it lives right downstairs

Be happy, have fun, quit worrying and ...

you know

stop playing games

do what you want,

we've talked about this before

the more you question

the harder it is

can't you just get it together

ya know...

quit thinking about the past 

and see if y'all can 

work together for a change

Be happy for Heart...

Brain, just take one for the team

just try it

prove

your self 

and 

them

wrong.

listen.....

god only knows 

and Brain, apparently.

xo,

from heart....

not Brain

write ya later,

m

I Can't Breathe.... Therapy

It's a goddamn pleasure lately to finally see that sun in the morning.

This separation has been liberating, yet exhausting due to the fact of non sleep, so by the time 450 am rolls around I am ready for the morning to take away the night time thoughts and mind banter and start the mundane day.

Therapy was difficult and I am going to throw out a disclaimer right now....

I am going to be honest, so if you are a family member or someone who may have picked sides or does not agree with how I interpret my life's story stop reading now.

This small separation has given me time to be myself and concentrate on letting my insecurities go. To stop worrying about why he does not love me or need me....to stop looking for secrets that are not there and just try to trust and be me.  It has been difficult to stop snooping, but I did it. I sat down with myself and said, " nothing you find is going to fix anything ( honestly I never have found anything so I have no idea what makes me do this short of mistrust and previous baggage) and M, you have to let the people in your life be their authentic selves."

It has been good to not even have an interest in what and where he needs to be to heal himself, but to focus on me healing myself....and to feel again. I actually want him to go out....stay out all night. love and have fun, see if this is what he wants or is there some other area he needs to explore.

we had our first together session....

she promised it would be a positive session.  These sessions are based on mirroring , which is classic, and appears goofy, but it really opened a door.

We sat and discussed a few goals and rules....then she said we will face each other and use her prompts which will pull positive feelings from long ago, maybe things we have long forgotten....and to feel what they meant back then.

she led the session ( I am not going into depth because , yes it is personal...)

It started as such :

B, go back to the first time you knew you were attracted to M...look at her and tell her what that person was feeling at that moment....the moment you knew.

As I sat across from him and looked at his eyes searching back and his mind going back and I saw a small light. He barely hesitated, only the amount of time to go back to the moment 19 years ago.  

Before he could speak, my body and mind could not take it.   

Having to hear how the moment he saw me , and we had never met before, THAT moment....that exact moment... what he felt ..... he knew he was going to step into my life just by me walking into the area.....

I started to have anxiety, a panic attack, the room got dark and I could only hear my pants and sobs and heart beat in my head.  I looked at the therapist and squeaked, "I can't I can't I can't hear it....I can't feel this anymore.... I can't do this" 

B sat quietly and waited for the direction.

she pulled me back and had me center , feel my feet, breathe , get out of the now and go back to that time...not now and how it is now....but before I knew him and or had just met him....the moments before he and I picked each other.

I gathered my heart and breathing....and looked back at him 

she prompted him again...."go back 19 years and tell her what you felt and saw and knew the first time you met or saw her"

"I was first attracted to you the first time I saw you , your personality was so big, and bubbly, and your laugh, you walked into the room and you filled the room....I knew"

then I repeated what I heard him say....it was so difficult...to give credit and strength to words I had not heard before ,from him....validation.

she prompted again:

When you became a little closer , B, stay back then...not now, back then...Tell M how she made you feel :  "you made me feel special , wanted, like you picked me.  You made me want to try new things and laugh, and be there with you all the time... I felt a part of something, safe ."

it went on like this...and then we switched roles .

when we were done my head was pounding and I was exhausted.  There was a small part of our pasts which we touched on...childhood, but that is very private. The session opened us up and although we were both very vulnerable....hearing why we looked at each other that very first time in Las Vegas....when he explained I never even saw him, but he saw me

.... he knew ....

he knew it was me and that was the moment

.... my heart and love was there for him.  for that moment in those 2 chairs I was in love with him again.

Las Vegas 19 years ago (Viva Las Vegas 2000)

it took him about 5 hours to find out where I was that night....I do remember him telling me this story. I was with other people ....we had never met, but we had spoke via a chat room on Yahoo. He was in a well known band and I was just there to have fun.  He saw me in a vintage dress laughing and being scurried along by two other men and a few girls....he said I was tiny and probably drunk, red hair, laughing and filling up space....he knew it was me even from a distance...and he knew I was it.

this ....no worries...

 Somehow either he or I texted, one or the other on those ancient T9 cell phones at about 4 am ( of course I was awake and could no longer sit in a cramped hotel space with 4 other people sleeping) 

he said "I'm up, i'll come get you"  for me that was my knowing point....he came for me....4 am...got in his car, picked me up, he looked so perfect with his fancy rockabilly vintage clothes, big blond pompadour and a small smile on his face.  Do you want to get coffee?   yes.  yes I do.

 (and knowing him now....this is and was amazing, because he is NOT a morning person.... he would never get up at 4am.)

   We spent the next 3 days together laughing, driving all over, drinking and actually staying away from the entire festival in which we were there to see ( except when he had to play).

so, this was a tiny bit of therapy,   we had both admitted, or stated, we have one foot in and one foot out right now.  ready to leave if need be.   and I'm not positive if he can ever love me again like that...or as strongly as my soul needs.  the therapist said, no decisions need to be made now.  lets just learn about each other and empathy....see if we can fix and learn some reasons we are no longer communicating or connecting.

and I'm good with that.

I am also good with , using this time to practice loving again.   to let others tell me how fun I am and to enjoy people wanting to love me and spend fun time together.  I literally forgot how many friends I have and how much fun we can actually have when there is not a sour spot to dampen the adventure.

My heart is open and as I stated before, love is flowing in and out and I cannot deny I am loving these people and me again.

give it time.

write ya later

xo, 

m

its all good.  

Protection...a thing of the past?

Contrary to my passivity there was a time I was being raised differently.

I grew up in a family that hunted, ate meat every day, every meal, and farmed on the side.

I fished, put the night crawlers on the hooks, and cleaned the catch myself.

I gigged for bullfrogs with a fork and a broom handle and brought them home to eat.

I'm not even sure that I realized I was a girl.

I was told to be strong and that big girls don't cry.

My brothers had me shooting things and it was often quite comical.  Maybe this is when I decided killing things wasn't for me: here's that story in short form Pistol Packin Mama.

(If you thought I was going to go into some sort of diatribe about not eating meat, you were incorrect.

Not eating meat is just a choice I made as a teen. I ate tons of meat and probably still would if I had NOT been eating meat for so damn long now.  It is surely not political.  I just don't eat meat.  I taste things, I'd actually be a great meat eater ....It literally has just been so long I don't care for the taste.  As a young girl I ate everything from turtle, bullfrogs, squirrel, venison, occasional possum, and rare steak. So,... it was just a choice at a point....)

Anyways , now that we have that settled, back to my point.

I grew up with those 8 older brothers and a dad who were pretty manly. My dad always opened the door for my mom, did the dad things, man things, and my brothers were ALWAYS my protectors.

I guess, even short of women's liberation, I expect that from a man. I want to feel safe even if I was raised by a pack of wolves and can pretty much care for myself...I want to feel protected and safe.

About a year ago or so there was an incident where I was awakened in the middle of the night to what sounded like someone attempting to break in.  It was frightening.  I pushed the other person awake and said, "I'm calling 911.  something is happening...." the other person barely woke... I said, " should we go see? turn on the lights? make sure the door is locked? I gotta get the kid!"

he looked me right in the eye and said something to the effect, " What do you expect me to do?"

I said, "something!...at least get Olive"

no movement...so I took care of it.

This type of thing has happened before...

One time, Olive was just a wee one.  We were at a family pool party or something.... I was off getting something, the other half and the brother were mingling about with Olive.  Whatever happened happened....but when I turned around Olive ad fallen into the deep end of the pool, just like any nightmare, and I could not get there quick enough! Dad just stood there....stood there....Bubba finally jumped in, fully clothed, and grabbed his little sister by the arm and pulled her out.  Everyone was fine...except for me. 

Why didn't he jump in?  Why?  Later it was said something to the sound of, "Well, I had all my clothes on...she was fine"

It has often made me wonder that if something was to happen to me, would I feel safe...or is it another case of me not depending on anyone else? I have to be able to take care of myself....can't count on anyone.  I hate it.
I'm the kind of person who knows all the exits on the airplane and in the movie theaters and how I would save my family if there was a shooting or fire...
would my S.O. do that for us....or just save his self...I'm going to guess the latter.

I want to know the person I am with will know what to do if something happens...

Will take fucking charge.

I want to feel that if someone came after me, or if there was a Zombie Apocalypse I would have some back up.

 I know how to shoot, milk goats, stop a bleed, set a bone, cook, can, and could probably stab someone with a knife if need be ...but,.i don't want to do that, I need someone else to do the stabbing.  Is that too much to ask?

I never wanted guns in the home,or weapons, and I think that might stem from not trusting the people within the house with weapons, but when I know a man can manage weapons

 I feel safe.

 Actually, it's a bit of a turn on....

actually a big turn on.

Is it a turn on for a man to be able to protect? or a necessity?

Or would it be twice the turn on if a woman can shoot to kill on her own?

or does that emasculate a man?

Questions I want to ask 

When I took the defensive arms class, I was the only female.

I liked it...I liked holding the gun and the safety involved and learning something new.

I know plenty of women who shoot etc...it just was never a hobby I was super interested in pursuing, but now it seems as if it would be fun to revisit that hobby. Another thing to learn and attempt to master on my own.

Except I would have no idea where to start short of getting a book...and I sure as shit don't want to walk into some place looking like an idiot female to the man behind the counter ( assuming it is a man)

But...If i could master it....

I could then really feel confident in taking care of myself when I find myself alone.

and not have to worry so much about who is going to protect me when the zombies come.

xo,

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

One Step forward…you know the rest

Things have been moving along at normal household pace, which is fast when you want it to be slow and slow right when you are thinking, "come on all ready!"

Ilin Blue has been getting a bit or hair regrowth on the top of his head, how exciting is that?  contain yourself…He has enough that he says, "Hey Mom, when can we dye it?"   Uhmmmmm…. when you are 21, period.  This is a perfect example of lack of frontal lobe in teen boys.

He heads back to the doctor………

sooner than later, and here's why:

Hair growth good.   

Tuberculosis, not so much.  

Yes, you read it it correctly. 

 My kid got TB. 

 I don't know where you live, if its a 3rd world country then you know all about how TB works.  If you live in Ohio, probably wondering what kind of ghetto do I live in.

Our High School had an outbreak.  Just like the movies.  You can google Longmont High  and find all kinds of info.  Just like the movies, they did the best they knew at the time by only testing the kids with direct contact of the Student, and waiting to check the lower classes.   Oh happy day.

As and RN.  I freaked out right away, started running around like I had one short leg (in circles)  thinking , "they need to close the school, NOW, before everyone in town has it.  Shut that shit down like a Stephen King novel".  But did they listen to me?   No.  And that is partially my fault because I never attened any community meeting.  

Well…3 months later and the fact that my scrawny kid appears to be getting sicker instead of healthier we get a call from the hospital with a kind voice saying, "you need to bring Ilin to the ER for chest X-rays, he tested Postive for TB"

Fabulous.  Now, why wouldn't they have thought about the few kids who have auto immune, or comprimised systems?  they wouldn't.

So, here we are.  One scared kid with access to the internet, looking up death in the 19th century from TB and the rest of both of our households, heading to get our tests and chest X-rays.  I've been banned from work until I am cleared because who wants a nurse hacking TB onto them while she places an IV in your arm?  

This too shall pass.  

As usual, just another bump on the highway of life.

Conversation with Kris...oopsie

Kris, hope you don't mind...it was funny to me.
On Feb 17, 2010, at 8:30 PM, Myssi Graves wrote:

> Thank you so much!!! And Bobby said that I have to apologize for Olives ill behavior when she left. Shees. Sorry. She said she had the best time.
> Anyways... Are we knitting this weekend? I'm off all weekend:). Let's get together


What??? No. She was great. We loved having her. Just as I thought, they entertained themselves and having her over made things easier. I love when low maintenance kids come over.

Yes! Let's knit this weekend. I read your blog. Are you giving up alcohol? If so, we can meet anywhere.

Kris

On Feb 18, 2010, at 9:14 AM, Myssi Graves wrote:

not giving up until LENT!!!

do you wanna post the SnB on ravelry?

Myssi

Sent: Thu, February 18, 2010 9:23:35 AM
Subject: Re: Oopsie

Lent started yesterday. You're funny.

Yeah, I can post it. What time works for you?
kris

On Feb 18, 2010, at 9:40 AM, Myssi Graves wrote:

shit...really??...I guess that is right...FatTuesday...then lent...my gosh my mind is a goner.
Do you think God will forgive me if I wait til Monday to quit?
I just bought a box of wine ...and you know...it will go bad. maybe I should have a "drink the Box of Wine Before God Knows party"...then quit.

hmmm
normal time is good for me
Oh yeah...is Haley going to that skating party? Olive can't skate, I mean, I could just strap em on and send her out, but she has been pretty moody lately and she may have a break down.

Myssi

Well, I'm not an expert since I'm not religious... but I think God will be fine with whenever you want to start. She probably wouldn't want you to waste the wine anyway. Or you can give up something that you didn't have yesterday and go from there... like cheese? or chocolate? or bacon?

Well, I have to try Shred still. I opened it 2 days ago... just haven't stuck it in the DVD player yet. Guess I should go do that. But I only have 5 lb dumbbells. And I'm really weak...
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This is why I love my friends...they are problem solvers and realistic...my friends rock