Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

Halloween…The Feather Mohawk

I'm the kind of, " are they having beer or wine at that school function?" kind of mom.  I believe more people would show up and the school could make a huge profit.  You, know …charge 6$ for a tiny beer…I know I would pay when I had to sit through some of those recitals….
Back to the point.  I'm not always really involved with the kids stuff.  I volunteer.  I make the cupcakes, I do the low end….but Halloween…I like Halloween.  I like making the costumes.

I made this Dead Mau5 for Ilin
Powerpuff for Olive
I've even been known to knit a Princess Lea Wig 

This year I said I'm tired.  Ilin is too old and I always seem to have to work.  But as the days got closer I felt empty inside.  SO!!!!  i decided to try a lil sumpthin' , sumpthin'.  When we were in San Fran we stopped at this Steam Punk ( Distractions) store, and I saw these amazing Feather Mowhawks.  Upwards of $500.  I was mesmerized.  
I had tried earlier that day to get Olive to agree to be a Lucha Libre, because we were seeing those masks all over the Mission …for CHEAP.  she said NO way.  spoil sport.

All right…

I couldn't just do nothing.  we talked about a mime…or a princess…then I said, lets try a Feather Mowhawk

I did some googling

and headed out to find feathers.  

I couldn't find any great feathers, because once again I waited too long and didn't have time to order.  Hobby Lobby, junk stores, and any craft store had to work…oh yeah …plus 2 Feather dusters from Target.

I used this Link at Instructables to get started…He does a great easy job and his instructions are easy enough to follow.  He has a cool site too   HAR.MS
I added some of my own

Sew the hat part…

used Unicorn Buckrum  (love saying that)

added the support like the guy did

then Started messing with the feathers

FUN

What a mess

I know it doesn't look like much…

But, I think it will

I have to get back to work.  I have one more day to finish this becasue I have to RN for the next 2 days and her school festival is Saturday.

It's a bit too early to start drinking, although if I had some Bailey's or something I would add it to my coffee.

Bobby is not feeling well, which I believe is a way to get out of Halloween.

grrr

I'll keep you posted. 

xo

m

Nursing Refresher

Clinical practice today. In a few weeks I hit the floor as an RN in training.
It's scaring the shit outta of me, so if there is anyone that has or is going through this, please comment me some good vibes.
I realized today, in class, I haven't actually done ANY of the stuff on a real person...I mean, sure I've given a bed bath. I've changed some bandages, placed a catheter...with another RN standing right next to me. This stuff is weird to do. You have to touch penises, vaginas, clean open wounds...make people feel safe and ok when you are a little wary. When someone is dying, you have to stay calm, hit the buttons, get help, and start the procedures without freaking out the family that my be standing right there.
You can't turn around an start screaming,
"He's Going Downhill...FAST....HELPPPPPPP!!!"
No one wants to hear that in the hospital. Just like you have to remember you cant say,

"Everything is going to be ok."

Because many times it's not going to be ok.
It's not TV...It's a real person and I can barely stay calm when my own kids hurt themselves. ( I have heard this is normal)
....nothing is normal in my life right now.
NG tube...ear to nose to Xyphoid process...clean not sterile.
head forward swallow.
choke choke=lungs...remove
etc etc
(fatmandy flikr site)

see what I mean...it sucks



good thing I wore my fancy red corduroys today...
because on top of everything else
i started my period in my pants.
perfect start to the day

Yo...I'm at the beach try back later

I'll be around...just not as much...but knowing my family...I will have plenty of stuff to blog about

Feelin it, baby

I'm turning 40.
Next week.
I announced to Synda, the other night, that I am now closer to 50 than 20. 50...did you hear me? 50! I don't want to say F.U. 50, but that is exactly what I am feeling. All sorts of feelings I'm having.
Last night, as I said a tearful goodbye to Grissom, and my 30's, I started thinking about my age. I have started to look more at older men than younger men and it's starting to get to me. I realized this last night when I thought to myself what I could do to Grissom. He is so very sexy. Then I stopped myself and said, "He's old."
I realized it wasn't his looks I was pining after, it was his charisma and intelligence, which is exactly what you don't find in young men...or many men.
I looked over at Booby and said, "That Grissom is pretty good looking."
He said, " He's old".
yeah, he's old...but this is what women do. They start looking at older men. Greying, smart,handsome, older men... which, for a fleeting minute, gave me a glimmer of hope.
Older men.
mmmmmm
**just for a minute**
because here is what Booby says...
"Yep, woman start noticing the older men and us older men start looking at the woman who are about 25 years younger...ones to push our wheel chairs when we are older."
Works out perfect huh?
"So, you should be looking at 65-70 year old men at the low end."
*snicker, snicker*

F.U. 40, 50, and above.
My friends say, "you don't seem 40"
yet today....
I feel it.

xoxxo,
40 and feeling it
m

ps...if you watched the show last night...we can also point out that the fabulously sexy older Grissom wandered through the forest to the arms of his 30 y.o. lover.
F.U Grissom

Manic, OCD, and a drunk...all in one weekend

It started earlier this week.  I knew that after my long shifts at work then to clinicals (530 am-1030PM) I was done with school for the week.  One of the nurses at clinicals asked me,"How do you feel, you know, with school almost over and a new journey about to begin?"  Hmmmmmm  Not sure...I try not to think too far ahead.  She says to me," I always would get depressed."  

Thursday morning it hit me.  She's right!...I'm depressed.  What will I do with all my time?  I have to get a new job...Completely new, something I've never done before.  It's not like waiting tables or answering phones, nursing is new.  School is over in 18 days and a year and a half (actually 4 years since I began the entire process) and that's it.  

I decided that I would start my vacation week of no school with my Synda.  I left work early to hit a yarn shop with the girls and then the wine shop and hang out.  The little ones played and we sat and drank, and drank, and gossiped, and drank some more, had pizza, knitted poorly (had to rip it out the next day) then at 1045 pm Synda says, "Uhhh, we did NOT drink 2 bottles of wine did we?"  Yes m'am it appears so.  Yikes and i have to drive 20 miles home.  I gathered my kid, knitting and stacks of magazines on loan from Synda and headed home and thought how the wine only takes away the boredom until the headache sets in which is approximately 7 hours later for me.  I didn't let that stop me.  I sat my goals for the weekend and Saturday morning I started to try to avoid the depression.

(Click for bigger pics)

First...I went shopping then made Spanikopita

Next in line Needle Holder.  Kinda fun.  I had bought that material for 3$ for a yard.  I used about 20" for the holder and lined it with some left over fleece.  It only took about an hour.  I didn't care so much for sewing all the lines to hold the needles...but I didn't quit...I just grabbed a nice cold beer and kept going.

I finished this yummy little neck warmer and started one that is only 2 rows wide..They are cute and easy to do.  I'm hoping to get some up on Etsy before holidays.

While I was busy doing my stuff Olive made her own hair clip from some broken toys.

Good job, Olive!

As I was saying, idle hands are the Devil's hands and we'll have none of that around here.  I got up this morning and cleaned out the pantry...got rid of everything we don't,won't or can't use....and didn't look back.  

Next up the kid's bathroom, but honestly I think I might be losing steam.

Depression for me is evil.  Loneliness, gets me into trouble, and free time is the bane*of my existence.

All in one weekend.

* "bane" was once a very serious word. The Old English "bana" meant

literally "slayer" in the sense we now use "killer" or "murderer."
Early on, the English "bane" was also used in the more general sense
of "cause of death," and by the 14th century "bane" was used in the
specialized sense of "poison"

So, you can only imagine what the next few months have in store for me.  If only I could get my writing back on track.  

Yes you can, I swear it.

Does life have to be so hard?

 I used to think so.

 I used to be self centered and get worked into a frenzy about the weirdest things.  I remember, at one point in my life, I actually  moved the garbage can to right under the mail slot and never looked back. I actually had to have friends come and help pay bills and put food in the fridge.  Look, I'm honest, I had a nervous breakdown....and you wanna know the worst part?...  I had a 2 year old at the time.  After losing about 25 pounds on a 5 foot frame and choking down intermittent Xanax from my mom, who actually was so concerned she sent them in the mail with directions written in big letters on a napkin ( I should have kept that letter), I dragged my bony ass to the family doctor.

I got the help I needed to get through it.  It did NOT include Xanax, sadly enough, but did include Paxil...and I took it religiously until, as the doctor had nicely told me, " Until maybe you think you can open the mail again.  It won't take long, Myssi, you will be ok."    I didn't really believe him at that point but I had to put my trust in something, it might as well be Paxil.  In the time period working up to the Breakdown...My husband left me, and not just left me, but packed everything up while I was at work and when I walked in the door he handed me the baby and said,"gotta go, can't live like this."  That is sooo good for a gals moral...anyways...that happened, my dad died, my brother died of AIDS and I honestly thought my life was over.  

Jeesus Crackers I was an idiot.

Everything happens for a reason.  I finally realized this.  It took strength from my friends, the death of my mother and the inner strength I actually found in myself.  I realized the world is not about me, but about the energy I put into it...the kindness I put out there and the compassion I can instill.  I don't dwell on the things I can't control...like the example in the post below...or the fact I cannot be anyone's, including the man I love, only thing in life.  I have learned to focus on what I can do for myself and the power I can bring to others with encouragement.  This world is an amazing place if you let the sun shine in.

This came to me today when the gal who sits in front of me brought up the fact her mom died one year ago of Renal Failure....she started to cry, and I started to cry...the class was uncomfortable but I just said,"Lord have mercy...someone get her some Kleenex and me too ...Lord what a bunch of blithering fools we are...how are we going to be nurses if we cry at every damn thing that happens  ?"    She laughed, I laughed and the class laughed.  It's ok to feel pain and sadness...sad things happen and you should cry.  But you should also find the beauty in the sadness.  It happened and lives changed and we moved forward.... we cry for ourselves and the things we have lost.  We don't often cry for the pain the person was in...we cry because we weren't ready for the loss and this is something we should think about.

I don't get freaked out anymore when traffic is making me late, or when things don't work out the way I thought.  It is so minute compared to the big picture....so unimportant. 

Take time to laugh and to try something new, endulge yourself in the unknown and do it with vigor and a smile on you face......and how about you bring a friend?...see what happens.

xoxo

write ya later

m

Can I get in the Big Bed?

May I sleep in the big bed?
When Olive asked me this the other day it brought back memories of my childhood and the mystical "big bed". The most comfortable refuge in the child's world. It is like the womb of all wombs....always warmer,always more comfortable, and always able to fit more people than the average bed. When I was a little girl my parents, who were quite the "cocktail party" types, would leave me home alone. I realize now that maybe that was not the safest form of babysitting but I did not know or care then. They would say, "Go get in the big bed and we will be home soon". I would watch TV and eat my snack then fall asleep in the vast comforts of the California King bed and the mounds of down pillows.  This became my memory of travels around the country.  Laying in the big hotel bed while my parents were seeing a show on Broadway or gambling in Vegas.  We traveled.....I curled up in the Big Bed.  

My daughter just comes right into our room.  Boundaries never respected.  She comes in and just climbs up and crawls over the top then curls up in the middle, breathing sour preschooler breath on the unfortunate parent she faces.  I never did this as a child.  I knew the boundaries of the parents den like room.  We weren't allowed in the bedroom, unless invited and we were rarely invited.  On Saturday mornings I would go upstairs with my blankee and curl up outside their bedroom door waiting for someone to wake up.  When I became an adolescent I couldn't wait for my parents to leave so that I could pilfer through their room.  Starting at my dad's candy stash then moving towards my mom's "Joy of Sex" book and then finishing my spying up on the big bed, munching  on M&M's and looking at weird pictures of some sort of Feng Shui sex positions in awe.  ahhh the memories.

Now, I barely use my bed...except for the obvious.   I don't have time to curl up and relax.  Winter time around the corner and longer nights imminent.  I hope to find the time to pile in and relax, kids, dogs, cats, heating blanket and all.

Never Surrender....

As my old friend Corey Hart once said,"Never Surrrrrrrenderrrrrr ---rrrrrr". (well, he's not my friend, I actually never even listened to his music....I was too busy getting my Pink Mohawk to stand on end to take time for that crappy music.) But I do remember the heart aching video. Canada's version of Chris Isaak. Point is, I NEVER surrender. I don't give in on a fight (even if I'm wrong), I don't take back my words (even if I feel bad), and I NEVER, EVER let knitting or sewing get the best of me. I will kick that stitching's ass!
With that said...I nearly gave in yesterday.
I'll tell you what. I thought I would whip myself up a pair of cozy mittens during class, yeah right. I had my little pattern and my stack of needles because I was going to knit 4 needles...like with socks. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Not gonna happen.
I sat in class with the girls asking me "How's it going Myssi?" It's not... rippppppppppppppp.
"Myssi, did you get it started?" Yeah, I got it started approximately 15 times now but still have not figured out the needles. RIpppPPPpppPppp.
Class #1 (2 hours) done with class...still sitting with yarn and 4 needles, well by now the yarn looked like twirly ribbon I had to take it out so many times.
Class #2 It's starting to become comical, because I have now listened to 2 hours of lecture, taken a test and made an A and STILL cannot figure out how to hold 4 needles and make a tube.
So much for nice easy mittens. Hell, Synda can do this...why can't I? (No offense Syn)
Maybe I should read the directions? Screw Directions.......I have all of lunch (1 1/2 hours).
1 hour and 10 minutes later I'm still dumbfounded. At this point I have announced that I WILL get it. It's not rocket science. It must be something simple. I start asking anyone who walks by. Can you knit on 4 needles? Hey, pssst, can you knit with more than 2 needles? Hey, you over there...come read this...tell me what it says to you.
No luck.
But I did NOT surrender. I was exhausted by the time I got home but I did figure it out. 9 hours later....got that 9 hours!!!! I could have 15 pairs of mitts done.
With help from:
How to DPN
thanks!

So, I have one mitten started, and one to finish, because the normal person chooses to wear 2 mittens...and I Never Surrender!
Then next I will move onto Hats....Because I have a pushy friend that wants a Hat that says "ASS" and then I'll secretly put hole next to it :) Joking...

Today is going to be a grand day. just remember friends....
" Never Surrenderrrr-rrrrrrr"

write ya later
M