marriage material?

did you know ....? a flock of crows is called a Murder ?  creepy...

ok enough trivia

How and when did it happen? Where did it fall on the timeline of life?

That I may not be marry-able any more.

It's a sad realization.

I was very flattered today when a nurse at work pulled me aside and asked me if I was seeing anyone...or married.

"uuuuhhhmmmm, yes and no...but yes"

~nervous smile from nurse and a question mark~

"well, you see I'm with someone...but we aren't married, but we might as well be. you know, it's been a long time and such...no, he hasn't married me."

~What's wrong with the guy?...or aren't you marriage material?  (he smiles)

~I mean you look like a good catch to me~

Please hold, nurse guy, while I contemplate the hole you just shot into my heart by asking me if I was not marriage material, shithead.

but I am still flattered, because that is the kind of gal I am.

So I thought about it.  Bobby did hint towards marriage when we first met. Just as men are supposed to do.  6 months in...perfect timing.  I screeched NOOOOO, due to horrible divorce.  I stated I would never ever marry again...ever.

The law abiding citizen, known as Mr Smith, followed that law and never said a word about it again.  He bought a ring...and stated it was a friendship ring. 

Years went by.  

We had Olive.  

We bought a house.

We had huge fights. 

We had vacations. 

We lost family members. 

We had ups and downs.

He never asked again.

Ever.

Is it because he gets the milk for free?

I started thinking I want it now.

Maybe for security? 

Maybe for reassurance for my middle age body.

But I'm no longer marriage material.

It would be silly.  What we we do...have a wedding and ask for a plate service?

Whatever the case.  I aways consider myself married.  Its a common-law, which makes me sound trailer parkish. Nice.

If we split up we WOULD have to divorce, which makes me want a wedding even more...because that shit pisses me off.

I want you guys to know

that I am marry able...or was.

and girls...go for the wedding...

or you may regret it later...

as you contemplate why you never got married.

365 days...getting some posted

1/11/11

Blue Hair and Ramen

48$ Nerf gun...Box Priceless

Only lasted til midnight 

360 days of my life #25

hobo teeth #2, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

you know how much I LOOOOVE Hobo Teeth

attraction, are there laws?

Men are visual, we all know that.

Woman are emotional, this we also know.

Men look at hair color, breast size and breast size.

Woman look at...hmmmmm?... penmanship, dress, and then listen to his speech.

How things ever work out is beyond me.

I'm guessing the reason things do workout is because men need to get laid and woman have the available goods, so, if the woman looks ok and the man says she looks lovely the relationship can, indeed, begin.

This is the frosting on the cake.  The easy part, if the man can figure it out. 

After that...it's all downhill for most.  The select few continue on and enjoy the fruits of being in love and learning the beauty of each others inner most delicacies.

Lets skip that part.

Head over to the ones who dive deeper and learn....that the person they are attracted to chews with his mouth open (I'm using HIS because I am female, but you may switch it in your own mind). You think to your self, "I can get over this." Then he uses his hand instead of a napkin to wipe his mouth. You are starting to think a bit more, but the person looks you in the eye and says, "You are so cute". 

 You let the napkin mouth thing slide.

You start to get to know each other and you start to notice their calves are a bit large.  Maybe the hair on the back of his neck needs a trim...He notices your breast size and says, "you are pretty".

You start to talk more openly about your lives.  You make a note to yourself to remember not to talk about religion or politics, then he says something about vegetarianism and that fascist Michelle Obama.  Fire shoots from the depth of your loins and not in a good way.  You beg your brain to be quiet and get you through this intact.

He leans over and says, "you smell so nice."

Smart. 

He is smart.

 You know you are smart.  

He quizzes you on music and history. You know the answers.  You don't care for his music, but you know the answers.  He asks about your music..He says that music is for Simpletons.

You re-evaluate the situation.  Could you go on a road trip and listen to 10 hours of Rush?

You look at his six pack and decide, maybe.

He asks you about sports, there is no faking here. You answer , NO.

He asks how you get through life without watching football, hockey,or baseball...have you never had a man in your life?

You decide you really want to kill him, hope he meets someone else quickly....but it's never that easy.

He has written you off.  Simpleton, no sports, but with big boobs.

You miss him saying how pretty you look.

The laws of attraction backfire into you being needy and him needing to date someone else. 

All in 2 dates.

How does this happen?

>What woman want in order to sleep with men.? <

My new favorite...jar of hearts

I'm in love and I love to sing this song,really loud when no one is around.
I pretend beautiful things in my mind...
and I sing..and sing and sing.



enjoy...and pass it on

Birthday!!! and dirty yukky girl stuff

Yesterday was my Birthday...I'm now 42 years wiser than the newborn. Good to know, I don't want you to try to pull anything over on me if you are younger...because I am wiser and I have the birthdays to prove it!

for my birthday, Bobby got tickets to Allegria : Cirque du Solei

It was great...He announced to me, on the way there, that he got the cheapest tickets he could  find so he's not sure about the seats. (My god...just profess your love, not your cheapness to my Birthday!)

We get there, He hands the tickets to the lady at the door and she says ...ooooh you are in the wrong line, you need to go over there to the roped area... You are in a suite!

A suite!!?  of course I couldn't take any pics, they don't allow any electronics in the building but it was cool.

A suite...waitress, couches and everything.  

The best seats in the house were right in front of the stage where it was "interactive", but if you can't sit there...THE SUITE was the bomb!

Needless to say...He was acting like he planned it that way...bless his stupid heart.

Now onto the yukky part...

STOP READING IF A MALE, OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH

So as an additional gift:

This morning I was getting Olive and me into the shower.  As I got undressed I a felt a little

dribbly, you know, ladies, the kind of dribbly you get when you jump on the trampoline after having kids, or maybe when you laugh really hard or sneeze?  I thought to myself, Jeesus H Christ ...I JUST turned 42, now I have to wear depends?  Really, come on Life, give me a damn break.  But I didn't argue too much, I just told Olive to get into the shower and leaned over to clean up...

OH MY GOD!!!!

it was like the Movie CARRIE!!!

(for you who are too young to know about this movie...google it and you shouldn't be reading this blog anyways)

A trail of blood

Gross...I am disgusting 

It's Official 

GROSSSSSSSS'

Why does the period never come on time and WHY after having the damn thing for 28+ years I can't figure out when its going to happen?

I was thankful Olive didn't see, because I am not ready to tell her about bleeding for a quarter of your life.

She is very emotional and thought the dog had to be put down when he puked in the car...

I don't want her to think I need to be put down. 

Yet.

Do you remember?...

Remembering the first glance across the room.  

Feelings of awkwardness.  

It's so hard to tell what someone else is thinking.  

The first kiss. 

 Remembering.  

Was it what I expected?  

It must have been.  

Only remembering bits and pieces.

 

"Did I put out the first date?"

No, but we didn't live near each other...You don't remember do you?

"maybe I was drunk?"

Possibly, but I remember.

"Oh my god, now I feel bad...Were we in Vegas?"

Nevermind, Myssi...I came to visit you in Colorado.

"Oh Yeah,...Oh yeah...I remember"  (not really)..."Well, you must have done something right, honey."

I do remember the long phone calls and voicemails.

The : "Where are you...Why haven't you called!"

I remember the long emails and the short ones with 2 word responses.

I kept a box of all the cards you sent me from California.

You wrote everyday...sometimes twice a day.

You sent me a box of the little Hershey Kiss "flags", so that I would have little kisses from you everyday til you moved.  

That was crazy , because I now know you hate chocolate and you would have had to unwrap each one to get the little flag.

Man, the things we do for love....

in the beginning.

Now...

You make the coffee in the morning...you make it so that when I get up its still hot and it pours the exact amount into my go cup...I find this amazing.

You wash all the dishes except the pots and pans from the dinners when I go to work at night...and you wipe the counters off much better than I do.

You fill up my side of the beer fridge with my low carb beer, so that I don't get a big butt.

This is our love now.

Kisses?  bwahahahaha....

I stand in line with Olive to get my peck on the cheek.  

It's ok, I understand.

Things change.

It's ok...

I understand.

it's hard

Dear Life,

I love you.  You are hard to understand, but like I said, that doesn't mean I don't still like you.  You require me to do many things I don't enjoy, and I do them.  I don't ask many questions.  What do I get in return?

I have a knee which will not allow me to run the way I want.  You know, Lord forbid I have something I may enjoy.

I know, I know,  You gave me an awesome couple of kids.  One who never talks to me and one which starts berating me the minute she gets up.  How do you expect me to live through the teen age years?  Oh...yeah yeah, I'm sure you have something great planned for that too.

I have a man who apparently loves me, but its hard to tell...So I just keep on bugging him with my idle love chatter....hoping he will give in.

I also really enjoy how when things start to look up...You shoot it down with one bill or one small disaster...but don't think you can get rid of me that easily.  I can roll with the best of them.

The Universe is in charge of YOU and She and I are pretty tight, so even when you try to take the wind out my sail...she's got my back.  

Like I said, I do love you, Life...Right now I'm just a little pissed off at you.

bustin a move

and getting things done.

I think the key to fulfilling your goals is to just go ahead and try to accomplish them all within the first 2 months, then you can relax the next 10.

Makes perfect sense huh?

Today my list of achievements

1. healthy breakfast of cubed tofu,splash of pesto, 1 scrambled egg, half a bagel dry, 1oz of swiss cheese.

2. workout with my frienemy "Jackie Warner"

3. shower and a shave...(needed it !!!I was starting to look like a yeti...plus my leg hairs were popping out of my tights)

4. emailed boss about becoming full time employee since my best buddy at work, changed jobs and his position is open (which is full time)

5. Updated resume and applied for 4 jobs at 2 different hospitals.

6.Updated my acct with World Vision and will continue to sponsor my African Child, Itoot.

7.Made an appointment/followup at RED CROSS for my official sign in, and up, to be a red cross volunteer ;as an RN.

8. brushed teeth

all this and it's only 11:45 am

Sweet....

I hope this serves as some motivation for you losers.  If I can do it...You can too.

write ya later!

xo

m

Sneaky lil Booger

Someone has been on my Apple

I found these

in the photo booth

M.M.S The curse

Let me preface this with I should be working out right now.

(this is not me...if it is you...I'm sorry...and where is your best gay friend to tell you to stop it?)

With that said.

My underwear is tight, and you know, if you have been reading my "journals", that I can't bear to have tight underwear.   Most people would just suggest to go buy a larger size.  Not me.  

I refuse.  

I can't do it.  

I don't want to to do it.  

I want things to fit the same all the time, unless it is my bra...then maybe it would be nice for me to have to go get a larger size....but, as all us Mommy's know...the top half gets smaller and saggier as the ass end gets bigger and bumpier.

I have often pondered why this is.

I believe one of the reasons is we eat like crap.

We make breakfast for the kids...

take a few bites...

Make lunch for the kids...

Lick the peanut butter spoon (ok, have a couple of spoons of peanut butter)

swish it down with cold crappy coffee.

Then usually treat ourselves to a stand up lunch of 

whatever is easiest to reach and doesn't need heated up in the kitchen.

I believe it is also because we start buying these:

(this is also not me...I would not be caught dead in that.)

You see, "Juicy" on her ass is one thing...because her other outfit is a Victoria Secrets ensemble and a pair of wings.

"Juicy" on our asses...um, I wouldn't call it juicy...

If you have these pants, get rid of them...and don't donate them, we don't need any street person sporting these either. And PLEASE,please... don't give them to your 13 year old daughter 

(that's another entry).

We start wearing Mom Suits...the outfit of mammas around the world.

Drawstring and elastic stretch so our asses have no restraint.

Hell, I may even stop wearing pantaloons under these things.

Stretchy...

there is no accountability with these.

That is until you try to cram your white self into a bathing suit mid April.

Listen, I'm just saying....

we can conquer the curse of the spreading cheeks if you just stop buying larger underwear.

and those Mamma Mall Suits.

I will be upstairs...

working out in my too tight pantaloons. 

xo 

m

The Birthday Shaft....

Photo credit Weefranny

You know who gets the birthday shaft?

I know what you are going to say...

Christmas Birthdays or the ones a few days before or after....

But that is soooo not true.

JANUARY birthdays get the shaft.

People are done with gift buying, out of money, pissed off and could care less.

At least Xmas birthday people get Celebration...jovial times...happy.... Lots of food.

January...Nothing...nada

As My other half says

" December thru February 14th it appears I can do nothing correctly"

I agree...I'm joking...

it's just that Bubba's Birthday is today...He is announced he's given up on Birthdays

and Mine is next week, I concur.

Stupid January Birthdays.

The Sequined Dive

     I could hear her before I saw her....

The sound of her high heeled clogs, the laughter only a few martinis can bring, and the beckoning call for retreat from the others.

     Up til this moment I had been enjoying myself in the resort, of which we lived, frolicking about in my tube top bathing suit with not a care in the world.

Taking turns with the tourists from all over the country, showing our skills in cannonball art and bathing suit retrieval.  My brother's were the Kings of the Cannonball and the occasional backwards gainers taking the time to show the tourists how cool the locals really were.  I, on the other hand, was a champion of bathing suit retrieval and tears.  At the age of 10 I had not quite learned the art of the tie around the neck swimsuits...I enjoyed the sleek 1970's beauty of the tube top.  This proved to be one of the subjects of great fodder for my new friends and brothers alike.

 Little was I to know that I was soon to be a subject of greater fodder which would haunt me for the rest of my life.

We were all toasty brown, with chlorine greened hair.  I lived on a diet of Shasta and bar pretzels, which were always put on room 113's tab, a little trick my older brother's taught me.  

We were on our own...except for Fridays.  FRIDAYS...the dreaded Fridays when the parental forces would come off the golf course and hit the "Sandollar Lounge", dressed in their finest resort wear to "tie one on".  They hardly ever even acknowledged us, except when they realized it was edging close to dinner time.  Then as if  magic tiny white plates of "Happy Hour" food would land at the pool side table for my brothers and me.  

It couldn't get much better than this. Utopia.

The sun would duck down over the 6 stories of the Resort and the pool lights would brighten the deepest parts of the pool.  The deck was aglow with summer.

Marco?   Polo!!!!   Marco...."hey, you can't get outta the pool!!!!"    Polo!!!!

The music of Wings and songs of Pina Coladas would flow from the bar as did the laughter.  Occasionally, we would peek through the poolside windows and see our parents dancing with other unknown parents, enjoying their cigarets and martinis, smiling....you know, "cutting a rug".

I was as free as the night was long.  Pretending I was from a mansion across the golfcourse, dripping with money only resort living could bring.  Not a care in the world.

Like I said, I heard it before I saw it.   The crazy laughter...the adults laughing, then my brothers saying  something to the effect of 

..."Oh No..."

Someone laughing, "That's our Gloria!!!" as the poolside double doors swung open.

The kids of all ages gasped as she stood in her sequined pants suit on the white of the resort deck.  Cocktail in hand, music flowing outside, the clippity clop of her high heels.  She was stunning.  She was, at that moment the magic she thought she was, and the horror I knew she could be.  

 I cringed. 

My brothers yelled and whistled....

Tourist kids clung to the side of the pool, eyes like saucers...

"is this resort life?" zipping through their teenage minds.

clippity clop clippity clop...

She was on the diving board before I could escape.  Sequins shining in the spotlight.  The pool was her stage.

The girl dog-paddling next to me  says, "Is that your Mamma?"

The tube top seemed so far away at that point, the fact the teen boys had seen my nippies was nothing anymore.

Before I could udder a lie, I hear the yell and the flash of the red sequins , "Cannonball!!!!!"

Wig bobbing in the deep end like a refuge.  A teen age boy holding a retrieved martini glass from the bottom of the 12 feet of resort pool, and my mom, sequined and backstroking across the water, laughing, laughing and laughing.   

"How was that boys?"

My nippies seemed so trivial now.

Tomorrow I will ask for a one piece.

remember the chair?

I'm scared to start it.

That just doesn't sound like me does it?

The silly thing is, the chair was destined for the dump, so by putting new fabric on it, what could possibly be worse?

heres the fabric, waiting for me to do my part.

I just can't seem to get motivated enough to even start.  don't know WHERE to start.

well, maybe I will do a bit of googling, get out the stapler and start.  I mean , really, what's the worse that could happen?   I fail?

chocolate flavored ...What the ?....

Modern technology has appeared to have invaded everything from letter writing to courting. It's a sad day when I have to explain to my 14 year old that "back in the day" Boobies did NOT look like that, especially on 16 year old girls. They just didn't.  Girls did not ask for Boobies for their 16th birthday....and I think my junior high school friends will vouch for that.

So, was I surprised when a commercial for "chocolate flavored lubricant" came up on prime time TV?  Not so much.  I just hoped the kids didn't ask any questions because I was not sure how I would answer.  It swam around in my head.  The commercial, stating chocolate for her, fruit for him.  

mmmm

mmmm 

good.

Not quite a balance meal but with the protein thrown in, hell, what do I know?

The biggest thing I kept stating to Bobby was," What? The taste of penis just needs a little splash of chocolate to make it delectable?  You know, to just give it that little bit of oompf."

It makes my stomach roll just thinking about it.

Maybe it was someone ( a man I'm guessing) figured out the taste of the plain and simple was just not quite what us ladies were hoping for and said, "By George, splash a bit of chocolate oil on there and I may be like the Pied Piper!  No woman can resist the the taste of chocolate, right?"

Good one, Einstein.

Golden Showers

What do you need to read my writings???

Humor, 

A beer or whiskey (and I don't really care if its 7am)

Visualization

and a strong stomach.

If you have those few things, this could be an enjoyable year for you.

Things happen, and not always for the better.

I believe the only way to honestly get through some of this is to look at the big picture and just laugh out loud.

Going through life embarrassed of the idiotic things you have gotten yourself into is no way to live, that is why I choose to lay it on the line.  Layin' it out so YOU don't have to be embarrassed anymore.

Roll with it.

On with this weekends adventures in nursing.

I have been reading the poetic writings of Patti Smith.  She describes the first time she sees a swan as a young girl.  Majestically floating along the top of the glass lake, noble, mystical and grand.  A startling noise and up it rose from the water... a sight hardly ever seen.  Splashing it's long wings along the waters glassy top, spreading it's beauty for all to see....streams and droplets of the clear water, spraying from its body as it takes flight...

I've never seen a swan in flight.  I don't believe I've ever even seen a picture of a swan in flight. The spray of it's wings.
I'll tell you what I have seen.....
He was almost 7' tall, which is irrelevant when laying in a hospital bed.  He calls me to the room, " I want to get up and walk."
OK...we can do that.  Let me get everything together.
Walker, back brace, non slip socks, gait belt....
check, check, check ,and check.
All righty my friend ...let's do this.
He struggles to log roll to his side, grasps the side rail of the bed and pushes up, yelping in pain.
Hey, Breathe...when you hold your breath it hurst worse.
He glares at me.
He's upright...wowza.  I reach for the walker and notice for the first time, that the height of the side of the walker is up to my chest.  (Normally they should be at your waist).
We put the back brace on, he doesn't budge to help himself which I find pretty normal for men in the mid 40 age range.  He lets me, or expects me, to do the entire thing.  I babble on about how it will get easier the more times he does it...he just sits there grunting.

Ok...lets see if you can get up.
He grasps the walker and I use all my body strength to brace the walker to the ground.  I put my little foot in front of the one wheel and push down with all 5'1" of my frame so that he doesn't tip it over when he tries to stand.
1,2,3!....
He's UP...7'
Dude...you are huge.
"You are short."
I prefer petite.
He laughs a bit, "Ouch, it hurts."
Yeah, you had a huge surgery, L1-S1 ...that is a big ass back surgery.
"I gotta pee, get me my pee can."
Yes sir, One urinal coming up.  Are you ok?  Breathe, and please God, don't tip over while I grab this.
"I'm fine, hurry up...I gotta go, not sure if I can hold it."
I hustle back with the urinal, rubber gloves on, and reach for his britches.
"I can do it, I can, wait, move, watch out, let me do this, I can do this..."
Ok, but do you need some help getting...you know organized there?  Don't
fall over because if you start to go, I'm breaking my Nursing Oath and getting the hell outta the way.
He smiles, " I got this, been doing it for 46 years or so"
I turn around and give him a bit of privacy, make busy time folding blankets and throwing things away.  I can hear him let out a stifled breath as he starts to urinate into the urinal.
You doing ok....?
"yea,,,geez, this is painful, I hope this thing doesn't overflow."
Yea, I'm with ya on that one.
I turn around to make sure he is just joking.....not really joking.  He is almost up to a liter in pee.
Hey, gettin pretty close there....
"yea, yea, I'm done, I'm done, I have to sit down...ow, ow...everything hurts, here here, take this quick!  take it..."
I turn and start to step towards him just as he lowers the urinal from his man parts...
It was like a flash of lightening, a stream of urine comes shooting directly towards my face, which is about eye level with his waist (did I mention he's 7' tall?...ok then, picture it)
I yelp, and duck and cover, just as I had once learned, not in nursing school, but in the 1st grade for bomb shrapnel safety.  The stream arches past  my face as I turn and swishes across my pants and shoes.
"I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry!!!! this is so embarrassing!!! I thought I was done!  I'm sorry"
Bwahahahahaha, I start laughing hysterically.
I throw the blankets I was folding into the puddle as he continues to beg for forgiveness.
It's ok...It's funny...just my pants, and you know, it could have been worse, my mouth was in the direct line of fire!  If I had been yammering as usual I could have got a bit more of a surprise...
"Well,at least you don't have to do the laundry. Right?"
Yea, at least.  I smile.
"I'm so sorry, this is really degrading.....hey, has anyone ever told you you look like that chick from that TV show?"
??? (here I just wait for it, and repeat exactly what he's going to say in my head silently)
"you know, right?, that show...Ummmm  30 Rock?  You look just like her...cute...but shorter"
Thanks...I guess you could have said Sara Palin...but yes, someone has said that before.
Tina Fey.  I smile to myself.
He's now back into bed.  Calming down and still mortified as I continue to mop up the puddle with blankets and towels...trying not to grimace at the whiplashed pee stripe across my scrub pants.
"Thanks...I am sorry....you do...you look just like her, I can't wait to tell my friend Tina Fey was my nurse."

Now it wasn't quite like a majestic stream from a swans flight.  Yet when I read that line from Patti Smith's book The Kids it was exactly how I pictured it.  An arch of glistening, sparkling fluid shooting across the room...poetic; wonderfully poetic.


xo,
write ya later,
m

happy new year!!!

1/1/2011!!!

Can you flippin believe it?  I can't.  It came too fast.  I didn't finish last years chores so now I must double up.  Its ok.  I'm ready I think.  I got a good start last year so it should make this year easier.

I hope to lose my hips this year, so trivial, but I like to start low.

I want to try to become a better parent....(this is the tough one)

Possibly quit drinking?...(not too sure about this one)

I want to learn a new language...( I wish it didn't have to be Spanish)
How about some Travel this year?
I got a good one, How about indulging in a little whoopie once in a while?
(and not by myself)
Is there a book in the future?  we'll see.
well...
theres the start of the list.
I have some work focuses I want to achieve,
but I'll keep that to my self.

A note on last year.
I never finished my 365 days :(
maybe I'll try it again...naaa
too much pressure
gonna go knit now.

xo,
m