Time Flys or Flies or Whatever

 Thursday Night....

I used to always write on Thursday nights, it was a thing.

Now I'm just a bit too lazy to have a regular thing. 

So now the thing is once a year or so. 

Time flys...or is it flies...whatever, it moves quite fast once you are past the age of 50.

I'm not sure I was prepared for how fast or the issues which come with it...there is n ow no extra time, NONE...

It's funny, because at work the other day one of the younger nurses commented on how busy I am all the time during the summer. I looked his 30 year old self right in the eye and said,

"I have maybe 15 more summers left and some of them I may not even be healthy enough to do exciting things, so while I am able to wear the bikini, ride a bike and travel ( not all at the same time) I am going to make the most of it"

He said , " that's a little dramatic isn't it?" ....

Uhmmmmm, no. No, it is not.

Think about it....

as of right this minute on the couch, I can think back 3 summers very clearly and the things I did.

Those summers are gone.

3 years...3 summers...

So with that math I have about 12 left....

I have at least 2 more summers planned out 

Puts me down to 10 summers.

10 years seems like a long time but yet is passes so quickly when you are just working and thinking about what you are going to do when you grow up.

It passes quickly when you are caring for teens and young adults and working full-time.

it goes by fast

super fast.

it's like when you tell your partner

"I'm too tired, let's revisit this tomorrow"

and before you know it you haven't even kissed in 4 years.

It goes by fast .

So now, my Thursdays have turned into once every 6 months while I plan what I should be doing to make my life a more exciting place to spend my adult years.

xo,

write ya later,

m

Day 342 current state of....

affairs.

Cute, huh?

yeah....

real cute.

Life, sometimes ya just gotta get out there.

I do stuff.  I'm that go to person

"hey, I can't find anyone to (Insert ridiculous thing here)....

ya wanna go with me?"

Oh Hells yeah

Ice skating is fuuuuun

circle circle circle

laugh 

screech

laugh

catch an edge 

crunch

oh well.  

I don't think it's broken

but it sure was fun

as long as I keep some pressure on it 

it feels just fine.

Life is what you make of it and I just need to make it good right now

laugh, do, drink some beer....

put on my adventure shoes.

I know things don't stay fabulous forever,

so

maybe that is why we have to live it up while it is right there in front of you

Maybe

the part 2

is going to be the 

best part?

for however long it last?

1 month...

4 months...

ever and ever...

one never knows,

hence the reason to just 

go with the flow and laugh

and laugh I have been doing 

and crying...

but the laughing is helping

oh the beer helps too

(disclaimer: I am not a doctor....but I can vouch for beer and laughter)

xo,

write ya later

m

Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

365 days: Mirrored Life and No More Public Sadness

2 weeks and my soul is still very heavy.

I went to bed yesterday at 6:40pm and woke at 8am....

Still tired, aged 1000 years and my list of shit I need to accomplish continues to grow.

I took this picture to remind myself I am still alive...

My son is still alive....

and my heart is still beating.

all the cocktails in the world will not help

my drug days are way over (thank you)...

Talking to people really doesn't help, because all it does is push people away in an awkward manner

and 

ignoring myself apparently will not help 

I have told myself this morning, as I drink my green smoothie, get ready for going down my list and accomplishing things such as brushing teeth, eating a solid food, going outside, laundry (because I stink), and try to exercise...

I tell myself that I am not going to be that friend people want to ignore after today.

My life is not that heavy and my problems should be mine and mine alone.

But I am going to share a one sided story.

Then I will say my thanks to the people I love.

I was Elliot.

I lived the life of bars, strip clubs...poor choices in men.

is it a gene? is it a lack of fatherly love?

who knows. 

Was I sexually abused by my dad?  NO

The neighbor boy up the street? Yes...

but I thought it was a game....

I have never been a victim.

even after being raped by a man I knew,

 who broke into my apartment while I was at work and waited for me.

my fault...

play the game and recover...

These people in my life were poor decisions and I set myself up for bad shit to happen.

I was young.

I was headstrong

and I didn't care for myself a whole hell of a lot.

I worked precarious jobs, but was always smart enough to not get too involved.

I worked with questionable people,

but again....

stayed solo in my life...

hopping from situation to situation with close friends often not even knowing where or what I was doing.

did I do drugs?  yes.  

with the promise I would never shoot-up...

I never did...

but, you can get the same effect smoking or snorting.

Waking up in people's house and not knowing where you are...

wrong side of town...

outside in a yard...

with blood pouring from a knife slice from someone I trusted...

 and a scar not even a tattoo can cover

funny stories, now....kind of...

Somehow I avoided death and the addictive gene.

I begged my soul for help to be stronger, and to not want so much...

I wrote letters to myself...

reminders...

you got this

all by your self....

you got this.

I knew (know) I was (am) a broken person.

wanting to be loved more than anyone can actually give.

I finally left that town...Atlanta.

I escaped... 

moved to the mountains in Colorado

I got a day job

I milked goats.

Someone who did not know a thing about me gave me chance waiting tables in a breakfast place.

I didn't have access to drugs...

I didn't have access to friends...

I was horrifying lonely...

sad...

really sad

I lapsed a few times with poor decisions...

but I made it.

here I am....

and maybe that is why I am so saddened for the death of Elliot.

Because I saw her resume sitting on the table that morning when the police asked me to go in and look around. 

She was trying.

She constructed an entire resume outlining her strengths and work ethic.

To go from nightlife

to the safety of day life.

but she did not make it

stuck in the night.

That is my short version of my story.

Many parts of my life are very secret.

laughable and haunting.

here I am at 50.

looking into a time machine of a young girl who was living my life and many other's

poor choices...

heartbreakingly lonely

and a young man who couldn't fix or love her enough

Elliot/Ashton

photo by : Ilin Blue

this is my last day of horrible public sadness.

It does no one any good....

I am thankful for the few friends who  have come to me....

 even though I say to stay away...

I'm good.

so thankful.

My dreams and thoughts still take me to the comfort of that certain someone else...

 multiple times a day

comfort, safety, and warmth...

and quiet...

wanting to escape to the safety of strong arms...

💙

last day...

My kids need me

Her mom needs me

I think I need myself

write ya later

xo,

m

not getting any younger

guess what happened today?  You will never guess....

give up?

......

Someone reminded me that I am old. 

Exact quote, 

"you are not getting any younger" 

then made a reference to menopause and how soon I won't even crave, need, or want sex anymore.

I'm going to be a whopping 50 years old in January. I will agree that I am older, but I am not as old as 

Christie Brinkley (64)

 Molly Ringwald (50) She is a month older!

 Sandra Bullock (54)

I am gonna throw it out there that they still are fairly viable women.  Not quite ready for pasture.

I get it.  We aren't 25, so we become OLD....

please refer to this post :

Why do their new girlfriends look like the old

My opinion on all of this is that once we become older women, we become more valuable as humans. 

Think of all the experiences we have. Many have lived a full life, birthed and cared for children, received an education, married and survived (joking), and bled for a quarter of their lives. It's a pretty amazing feat.  Then add the fact that many of us have raised little humans to grown, adulting humans all the while sacrificing fun, intelligent conversation, work, and our body shapes often without really complaining. Ok....we complain, but it is worth it. 

I am going to think ,and suggest, that we hit our prime around 44 -50 and probably our intellectual and our philanthropic prime ....well ,I bet that continues until we cannot empathize and help anymore = deathbed.

I would like to also think that getting old does not scare me at all. It does, but not the getting wrinkles kind of old....it's the getting sick kind of old. I want to be able to continue enjoying my prime with good health. Not bad knees and a shitty ticker.

Also, seniors still have sex....I looked it up, even though I am a nurse and I see Cialis on a lot of OOOOLLLDDDD men's medication list. ( Guess they could be having sex with younger women) 

Anyways I looked it up 

per Dr. Mark Stibich, "While the frequency of sex often declines with age, older adults can and do have sex. In fact, roughly 40 percent of men and women aged 65 to 80 are sexually active according to a recent survey, and women in their 70s often express more satisfaction with sex than women in their 40s."  

Encouraging, looks like I have my 70s to look forward to. 

After all....look at Betty White

I'm so gonna be a Betty White

Better yet, go watch Harold and Maude

There is no sweeter love movie

 xoxoxoxoxo

So, If I'm old....or not getting any younger, I'll take it

xoxox. write ya later, 

ps if you ever want to make me super happy....

Watch Harold and Maude, better yet watch it with me

Screw old:  2 months from 50....

m

Truth in writing .... new leaf

I have decided to write my truth.   
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings.  I need to write for me.  Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.

My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me.  The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue.  My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.  
Is this a rarity ? 
Or is this a reality ? 
 Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me.  I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years....  this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
 I am a sexual person. I need it.  I need touch and physical intimacy.   
I don’t believe this is odd. 

One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age.  I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine.  Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age.  I am too set in my quirky ways and life.

I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
  I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that.  I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either.   Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more.  Really.   I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body.  Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.

My heart is huge.  My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most.  So much , yet no place to disperse.  To connect at this age?   Please.

A sacred real self will most likely never happen. 
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.   
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person.  To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .

Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ? 

As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?   

Self worth I forever work on and I understand that you cannot make someone love you or a change the way a person is.  That goes for me too.

As for now, I will just breathe.  I have not lost my sense of humor.  I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all, 
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket

write ya later,
m

drunkard and braless

Lord, I drank way too much yesterday. 

Way. Toooooo. Much

It's ok, it gave me a much needed break from reality and thinking about things.

 I put on a frumpy dress, slapped on some sunscreen and mascara, and we headed to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.

My downfall was the liquor samples.

they were tasty, especially in the 100 degree weather. 

You know what was nice?   

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to get my head back together, in the way of not thinking about what others may view me as.

I have been working out and looking the way I want to look for me.

hell, Today I am braless.  0 fucks given. 

well, I am braless mostly because I feel too crappy hungover to put on a bra. But it is still liberating.

This week my schedule is full. Work my 4 10's. I have my last 12 hour clinical. And I need to write a senior outcomes paper.  Within this week I also hope to work out twice and attempt to get some chores done.   I got this. 

I guess I will wash my bras too because I don't think my fear factor is to the level of going braless to work, plus it is probably highly inappropriate.

Im not that fearless ....yet

write ya later,

m

on my damn mind

It's Tuesday night.   

Taco Tuesday to be exact ,

 but that , for one Tuesday,

 is not what I am thinking about.

Tonight.... I am thinking about the wrinkles in my legs.  

WTF ....

Wrinkles. 

I said it. No one acknowledges, but I said it .   I was doing a bit of stretching, bent over and thought "shit holes.  That skin is my mom's skin. MOTHERFUCKER." 

I'm ok, I have recovered. I applied generous amounts of lotion, had 2 beers, and remembered no one is looking at my legs anymore.  See, this would be a tragedy if I was 32....or even 42...But I am now 49.  shit happens, so they say.

my legs in my eyes.

We get older, it happens. We are supposed to age gracefully, to embrace our age, yet at this age it's a mother fucker.  I am with someone. So, I guess in reality it doesn't matter. He doesn't;t look at me any ways, but if I was single I'd be pissed.  All these men in their late 40's dating 25year olds.  Ugh. 

have you looked around at the dating pool lately. not so good for middle class middle America.

Well, at least for women.  ( I guess it depends on what you are looking for)

In my eyes, it is pretty slim.

Back to my legs and body.
I'm heading to Mexico in a few weeks and would like to feel good about myself.  I have been working out and back to fairly clean eating. I'll keep you posted on the progress.
I am old...no one is looking, but I look.  I judge myself.
we will talk about that in a later post.

Mexico.
It's on my mind.
I'm hoping it will rekindle some  of the other half's interest in me.  Away from the daily world, maybe he can find a minute to look, listen and touch me again.
I guess I'll find out.
Til the end of summer I said.
One can only do so much

write ya later,
m

hey Bitches....

I'm almost 48  ,   I don't know maybe almost 49   

....I think it was 48 my birthday is 1/23

...I'm tipsy tonight on this Thursday night.  I used to always type on Thursday.   Then I stopped...old age, work, lazy ...you know.   

Anyways , I'm now typing.

courtesy Baddie Winkie  xoxoxo

So, my birthday coming up I'm feeling pretty good.   I'm working....I'm still sassy and although my hair is turning grey, my hairstylist won't let me go grey because I'm a true redhead.  damn it.  I love grey hair.

My heart is still broken.   I need more in my life. ( please send resumes)   I feel like I'm in my prime, yet I know I'm visually past my prime....it sucks ass. Sex is non existent but the hopes are high.  I continue to run and workout. and shave my legs....that's a plus , right.?

here's the truth.  Getting old isn't hard.  It's not even depressing, really

it just is what it is.

I wish I was male so that I could get my young trophy pony.  pay what I needed and pay for what I need.   But THAT is not ok.

Especially if your are with someone.

please leave a comment for any suggestions 

BECAUSE

if there are no good explanations or reasons

I'm gonna start eating cake and gaining weight

xo

m

Midlife student crisis

This is Rose, not me.  

I was just reading about her at Ned Hardy.  She's 83 and back in school so at least I can feel better about not being the oldest student alive.

Have I told you lately how much I hate school?  

I especially hate school because I really have no need to go back to school except for my place of employment has demanded everyone have a Bachelor's degree in 5 years.

whoopee.

I'm almost 50....

I don't find school fun, exciting or enlightening.   

I find free time exciting, not midterms.

I find using my extra hard earned money for vacation and liquor exciting....

not for text books.

I have no interest in getting a Masters degree or such....

I am interested in saving for retirement and my little home

this shit pisses me off

But I'm glad Rose is enjoying the life of a student.

Good for her....

plus I think college is free when you are her age.

Good for Rose....

Just don't wear Purple

Last night was my 5 year anniversary at the hospital.  They spend all the money we should probably get in raises and bonuses on this yearly employee banquet, or so it seems.  Free dinner, open bar and free parking.  All to recognize the work we do as low end community hospital employees.  

I had asked Bobby if he would join me at this shindig, I don't usually attend, but figured it was the adult thing to do.  Bobby begrudgingly said yes.

We arrived halfway through "social hour"...thank god.  Let me rephrase that, if I hadn't given up drinking for Lent it would have been a different story....Open bar, people I could care less about and free little quiches.  Bobby got himself a Fat Tire and Babbled on three or four minutes about how he swears it isn't Fat Tire....they must have but Abbey or Coors Light into the Fat Tire bottle.  Yeah, shut up and drink it. 

 People meandered about in the ball room which was louder than an airplane hanger full of screaming lemurs.  That's nurses for ya.  Eventually they will learn that not everyone is deaf, and you can talk at a lower level and still be heard.  But not tonight.

"hi, Myssi, wow...you clean up well."

???

"Look at Youuuu, you look great."

wtf? 

I didn't realize I usually look like shit.  I mean, the light is a little bit better in here, but really?

Bobby kept asking, "Who is that?  What is that person't name?"  

I don't know...can't remember...???

"you do work with these people right?"

YESSSS, I just don't remember...they all look the same.

I wish I was drinking.

We wandered into the dining area to find our table.  #50...Is that where the aliens arrived? No, that's area 51...ok...good...you could have fooled me.

Let me just tell you something.  This is a note to everyone.  As you get older, I don't care what Maya Angelou says....forget the Purple, ditch the magenta, try a bit of slimming Black, and not in MooMoo style. 

this is what the buffet line looked like to me

 What the hell? Is there a store called Smocks and Frocks?  Where do they get this stuff?   Don't do it.  Would have been better off wearing your scrubs, in dayglo pink.

And Men...It's not a safari, put on something other than khaki pants and fleece pullover.

I realize it's Boulder, but not Africa.  

Before my ass hit the seat, Bobby pointed out that all the larger older folk were all ready in line to eat.  Wow, they must know something we don't so we scrambled for the line...safely hidden behind a large magenta wearing lady.  We made it through the line, getting the typical salad and non exciting food.  Bobby got some sliced RoastBeef that was cold as ice cubes and I was scurried off to the "vegetarian section" where they piled my plate full of crap like overcooked zucchini and eggplant, blech...whatever happened to ol cheese lasagna and a piece of bread?

I don't know, these things aren't my thing, unless someone slips off the stage, or drops their entire plate of food.  No one got crazy drunk and ripped their shirt off.  (or smock, probably because smocks are hard to maneuver)

The only exciting thing was that I won the center piece on the table.  I gave it to the lady across from me, who honestly looked sad she didn't win it.

I hope that didn't count as my date night...although I did hear Bobby say "this is great,  I get off free, minus the gas money, for date night" to someone.  damn him.

next year I'm drinking, Lent or no Lent.

Ps I did steal a small plate and pile it full of all the leftover desserts that were on our table.  Ghetto?  Yes...

but oh so rewarding.

write ya later,

m