Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy

So many things to be happy for

See this? 

Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?

They are happy...

The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.

He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him

Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.

To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!

But look, 

He is still very much alive, and smiling.

The other one?  

Olive Bijie.

Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.

She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:

She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....

even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.

She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.

We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.

Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?

I don't really think so.

If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 

do it.

fuck it.

Some people like S&M,

some people like holding hands...

Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 

(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)

But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.

and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....

it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.

but who the hell wrote that rule?

Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?

He is in love...

and it's ok.

love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.

She is in love every day...

until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.

She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....

and that's ok, too

I told her...

"they will be there when you are ready"

How will I know when I am ready, Mom?

"because you won't mind when they touch your boob

....simple as that....

you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.

lets love more and fight less

let's give some money to the guy on the corner...

just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.

Let's connect with old friends 

Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....

until you start loving.

and if you are in a situation where you have no love...

fucking change that shit.

because we all deserve it.

and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.

seriously.

lighten up.

quit being so damn judgey judgey.

and PS:

write ya later,

m

now go hug someone

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath

how can you be ready for love

breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m

365 days: Mirrored Life and No More Public Sadness

2 weeks and my soul is still very heavy.

I went to bed yesterday at 6:40pm and woke at 8am....

Still tired, aged 1000 years and my list of shit I need to accomplish continues to grow.

I took this picture to remind myself I am still alive...

My son is still alive....

and my heart is still beating.

all the cocktails in the world will not help

my drug days are way over (thank you)...

Talking to people really doesn't help, because all it does is push people away in an awkward manner

and 

ignoring myself apparently will not help 

I have told myself this morning, as I drink my green smoothie, get ready for going down my list and accomplishing things such as brushing teeth, eating a solid food, going outside, laundry (because I stink), and try to exercise...

I tell myself that I am not going to be that friend people want to ignore after today.

My life is not that heavy and my problems should be mine and mine alone.

But I am going to share a one sided story.

Then I will say my thanks to the people I love.

I was Elliot.

I lived the life of bars, strip clubs...poor choices in men.

is it a gene? is it a lack of fatherly love?

who knows. 

Was I sexually abused by my dad?  NO

The neighbor boy up the street? Yes...

but I thought it was a game....

I have never been a victim.

even after being raped by a man I knew,

 who broke into my apartment while I was at work and waited for me.

my fault...

play the game and recover...

These people in my life were poor decisions and I set myself up for bad shit to happen.

I was young.

I was headstrong

and I didn't care for myself a whole hell of a lot.

I worked precarious jobs, but was always smart enough to not get too involved.

I worked with questionable people,

but again....

stayed solo in my life...

hopping from situation to situation with close friends often not even knowing where or what I was doing.

did I do drugs?  yes.  

with the promise I would never shoot-up...

I never did...

but, you can get the same effect smoking or snorting.

Waking up in people's house and not knowing where you are...

wrong side of town...

outside in a yard...

with blood pouring from a knife slice from someone I trusted...

 and a scar not even a tattoo can cover

funny stories, now....kind of...

Somehow I avoided death and the addictive gene.

I begged my soul for help to be stronger, and to not want so much...

I wrote letters to myself...

reminders...

you got this

all by your self....

you got this.

I knew (know) I was (am) a broken person.

wanting to be loved more than anyone can actually give.

I finally left that town...Atlanta.

I escaped... 

moved to the mountains in Colorado

I got a day job

I milked goats.

Someone who did not know a thing about me gave me chance waiting tables in a breakfast place.

I didn't have access to drugs...

I didn't have access to friends...

I was horrifying lonely...

sad...

really sad

I lapsed a few times with poor decisions...

but I made it.

here I am....

and maybe that is why I am so saddened for the death of Elliot.

Because I saw her resume sitting on the table that morning when the police asked me to go in and look around. 

She was trying.

She constructed an entire resume outlining her strengths and work ethic.

To go from nightlife

to the safety of day life.

but she did not make it

stuck in the night.

That is my short version of my story.

Many parts of my life are very secret.

laughable and haunting.

here I am at 50.

looking into a time machine of a young girl who was living my life and many other's

poor choices...

heartbreakingly lonely

and a young man who couldn't fix or love her enough

Elliot/Ashton

photo by : Ilin Blue

this is my last day of horrible public sadness.

It does no one any good....

I am thankful for the few friends who  have come to me....

 even though I say to stay away...

I'm good.

so thankful.

My dreams and thoughts still take me to the comfort of that certain someone else...

 multiple times a day

comfort, safety, and warmth...

and quiet...

wanting to escape to the safety of strong arms...

💙

last day...

My kids need me

Her mom needs me

I think I need myself

write ya later

xo,

m

Parenting with no Handbook. Death Part 2: .......64 Liters of Tears

I am not sure how a body can continue to produce so many tears,

they just continue

to flow....

stop. I say....

just stop

but they don't, 

The average person cries 64 Liters of tears in their lifetime and I am going to say this does not include trauma.

As the week has passed it only appears to get harder for the loved ones trying to find answers.
To sort through the life of what is left

"everyone has a secret life" I said as he sorts through all that remains.

Old purses, notebooks, clothes, bags....

I just didn't know, Mom....I just didn't know.

knowing the love was so strong, treasures were found with the evils 

but it is neither here nor there....

it really doesn't change anything

except to one.

He had to adult in a way no young person should have to.

Her mom requested he arrange everything she would want....

because, in all honesty, he knew her. 

They talked about death

He knew what she would want

She would want a natural burial...

no chemicals, maybe buried under a tree....

with a crown of flowers, like a princess.

So, that is what they did.

3/24/19

Her body was transferred to a small place where she could be seen once again,

before her soul would be set completely free.

My heart broke for him....

I was nervous for him....

death is not only cruel, but often ugly.

She was gently placed upon a table and he was allowed to go in alone...

Just him and her....

he told me, "Mom, she is so beautiful. I am so thankful I got to see her like this....and let go of the last time I saw her.

I kissed her and held her....

and we talked."

He dressed her in the vintage robe she wore at home, 

washed her hair and anointed her body with beautiful oils.

He traced the deep Y-incision with his warm hands upon her cold chest.

She was draped with a beautiful white cloth 

He placed his carefully made crown upon her head and spread fresh flowers delicately around her

Beautiful

She was so beautiful 

His lover, His best friend, His Muse.

Beautiful

He stood for 5 hours, one hand on her heart and one hand holding the other....

Beautiful

I met them for a short time and I cried at her beauty.

no makeup, perfect freckles, and lips still perfectly full.

The crown of flowers was perfect.

I cried for her, for him and for her mother...

I held her cold hand and whispered

"safe travels beautiful girl, safe travels....Keep Ilin safe from above"

I kissed her perfectly cold cheek

my heart broken.

"I will never love again....

I should have proposed....

I shouldn't have fallen asleep that night....

I should have known"

But you didn't 

and there is nothing you could have changed.

There is only a short in-between in this situation, my sweet boy.

It unfortunately, was inevitable...

you even said,

"I knew this would happen eventually ..."

xo,

M

teen angst gone awry

Here it is:

That is just part of it.  You can see all the spots through his hair.  The Dr. had a bunch of blood drawn and we will be checking Thyroid, Sugars, Iron and autoimmune.  Until then we are being sent to the dermatologist to see if it could be anything else.  We figured out it wasn't from the hair dye because his hair has about a 1/2" of new growth and his hair is still faliing out from the root. 

Now if you didn't think High School was mean enough…Try having Alopecia.  You can't even pull off Punk rock with that title, unless it ALL falls out.  

The kid is a trooper at home.  Told his lil sister he went to bed and this is what happened, must have been from all the Halloween Candy.  

She was terrified.

Just another day in the life of a mom…and an odd teen….and a sassy ass youth,

where is my liquor…

I think my hair is now falling out

Shut Yo Mouth....

Today, while I mop the floors, vaccuum, do laundry then work on Halloween Costumes I will be dreaming of my new boyfriend:

Josh Kloss

(mmmmmmmmmmmmm)

Take a few minutes to enjoy, because I'm sure, if you are like me, that is the most you can do with any type of creature as such.  I'm not sure I've ever even touched anything like that before.

He's the guy in the Katy Perry "Teenage Dream" video 

Ah hem, excuse me....

Back to my chores...

God, I'm horny now.

laundry, Princess Leia costume...etc...etc...

posting pics later,

ps:

If anyone has an extra something resembling Mr Kloss above, please send to Longmont, I won't need him for long

xo 

m