Sunday, January 26, 2020

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.
It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time
In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...
I just called it life.
Things could only be great for so long....
then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.
it was reality.
Like this:
find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,
shit will still happen.
Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...
sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.
2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....
to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.
"life is short"
"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"
and some of this......
"you will never do it"
"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"
"go ahead...try it"


with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....
or let me write....
It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....
is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.
the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.
lessons in life
lessons in love
lesson for the heart, body, soul.
For one amazing good thing gained...
Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...
no, you are not experiencing Karma....
that is not how it works
but I think it may actually be.

but ,
good is happening 
he keeps me smiling all day.
he touches me in a way I have never been touched
he checks on me
at all hours,
he cancels all of my fears....
over and over again

nothing to hide
open book
canceling out karma
with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...
maybe time running out 
is a gift

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin
The fragile heart you protected for so long
Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong
It's not your hands searching slow in the dark
Or your nails leaving love's watermark
It's not the way you talk me off the roof
Your questions like directions to the truth
It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone
If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
And laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind
It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone
It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
One day you'll be gone

Thursday, January 23, 2020

day 23 : Birthday Girl

Ya know...
Birthday time again
fifty one fucking years old

red shoe tradition...

I'm hanging by a thread

happy birthday all you Aquarians

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Brain, take one for the team will ya?

When one knows the track record of self preservation often tries to win over love...
Things get iffy
Little moments where you smile 
or little moments where you question...
what is my brain doing?
why isn't my heart fighting?
better yet, 
where the hell are my feet taking me?

We have all been there....
questioning ability
questioning worth
and even worse...
questioning fate.

Here's what I think
Brain...get with the heart...
it lives right downstairs
Be happy, have fun, quit worrying and ...
you know
stop playing games
do what you want,
we've talked about this before
the more you question
the harder it is
can't you just get it together
ya know...
quit thinking about the past 
and see if y'all can 
work together for a change
Be happy for Heart...
Brain, just take one for the team
just try it
your self 

god only knows 
and Brain, apparently.

from heart....
not Brain
write ya later,

Friday, January 3, 2020

Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy
So many things to be happy for
See this? 
Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?
They are happy...
The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.
He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him
Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.
To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!
But look, 
The other one?  
Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.
She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:
She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....
even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.
She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.
We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.
Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?
I don't really think so.
If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 
do it.
fuck it.
Some people like S&M,
some people like holding hands...
Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 
(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)
But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.
and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....
it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.
but who the hell wrote that rule?
Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?
He is in love...
and it's ok.
love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.
She is in love every day...
until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.
She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....
and that's ok, too
I told her...
"they will be there when you are ready"
How will I know when I am ready, Mom?
"because you won't mind when they touch your boob
....simple as that....
you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.
lets love more and fight less
let's give some money to the guy on the corner...
just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.
Let's connect with old friends 
Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....
until you start loving.
and if you are in a situation where you have no love...
fucking change that shit.
because we all deserve it.
and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.
lighten up.
quit being so damn judgey judgey.
and PS:

write ya later,
now go hug someone

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

yo...heeeyyy. 2020

because it is the day 1 of the new year....
I could feasibly start 365 days.  
ya know...the better countdown.  
 I always find it difficult starting in the middle of the year.
so lets start here 
Hiked Mount Sanitas and saw these prefect pinecones.

It was a beautiful day, temp was above 37 and the sun shining. 
It helped clear my mind.

New Year New You...
I believe this may be a bit of bullshit, yet I still often buy in.
I want change. I want to be a better version of me....
and sometimes for me I need to set goals.
Ya know...
a vision board.

This year I have been doing some life changes.
the weirdest part of this is how many others feel the need to be part of my life changes.
Many who were dear friends who I now realize are not the people I had thought they were .  Im thinking they aren't the people they pretend they are either.
When people have dramatic change, such as divorce...we don't need people to start passing judgment and being dicks. Needed are friends who realize, "hey, maybe I don't know the entire story....maybe I am being a bit hypocritical....maybe I should help be supportive and just be here."
I haven't found this to be the case.
pretty funny.
People who have not a lot of wiggle room to pass judgement on a situation they will never know the closed door stories to, and really don't need to know, or better yet....should have no reason to even want to know.
It's amazing how many people are super invested in my personal life right now, but only the shit show part.
A significant person in my life states,
"this too shall pass....they will come around and love you again."
let me say something.
I am a grand person.
I love hard, I support people, even when I may not agree 100%, I can say I give more than I receive and I like it that way.
At tis point I am being asked to attend functions where I may cross paths with these wonderful people I had loved so much who have chosen to not even ask what happened....
I am to be kind and smile....
and let them come back around?
funny thing is...
even at 50
I'm afraid I might pop one in the nose or even worse,
I'll pop off at the mouth.
I don't think I want them in my life....
even if they do "come around"

is it worth it.
and what the hell keeps me from yelling all the shit I know...?
about my situation, which hasn't been stated....and about all these hypocrites who feel they are way more righteous than me?
I bite my tongue everyday.

funny thing is....
I am just sitting here.

I refuse to let this take over my life.

as a good man said to me
" the best revenge is living a happy life"

I'm trying.
new year new me?
well it's day 1
let's see how this red carpet unrolls.

and yes....
Karma is a bitch...
her and I are friends....
we are quite familiar....
my karma received will be worth every stress given into it.

write ya later