Saturday, October 5, 2019

pilgrimage....Manitou Incline

I was all ready winded walking from the lot to the base. 
 I'm pretty sure most people won't admit that but I am into telling the truth.
I read the sign....
stood at the bottom and said, " I know you probably can do it...."
I honestly thought...
I cannot do that.
but I came this far,
 I might as well start.
The people who walked up with me took a selfie with their significant other and wished me luck...
"thanks" 
I looked down at my shoes and up the zipper along the mountain front.
I'm gonna walk up that....to the top....
yup 
let's go

the view from the base
"it's not a race....it's a pilgrimage"


I started right here and pushed the negative thoughts to the side.
3000 railroad ties....
as I started up and lost my breath I told myself to concentrate on the steps....
step...
step...
think about being present with your self and stepping. 
and that is exactly what I did.
as I stepped, I greeted others and others greeted and encouraged me.
we sat together and rested.
we shared snacks
we wished one a happy birthday
I spoke to one about concentrating on the task at hand and it's ok to be scared....
we stepped together for a bit....
while alone, I thought about what had been bothering me this week...
why am I the woman everyone loves and comes back to, but yet no one want to take me out.
ever since I was in my late teens to twenties I was the woman men wanted to call at 11pm, but did to want to take the time to get dressed and be together during the day. 
( I was never one to be easy or put out...so it was a moot point)
but it still happens.
it brings back thoughts of not being enough.
I continued to step
step
step
I am not here to figure out if it is them.
wondering if it is predatory ....
knowing when someone is weak
or is it attraction
or is it really just human nature?

the view from the top, my mind fairly clear and pleased with my legs for taking me to the top.

I started my walk down the back side which was a slow descent which gave me plenty of time to think.
the world is beautiful and I am lucky.
My relationship /relationships are a small part of me, and what I am about.
Not many have taken the time to get to know these things about me.
or experience them with me....


to stand and smile at this...
to kiss in the sunlight and be encouraging to each other and the people who cross our paths


to wonder together and learn history...
together....
because we are choosing to share time together.
to not live separate, yet demand allegiance out of spite.
together....
friends , lovers , companions.
I have them all and have been thankful for the ones who are here, and some even overstepping boundaries and codes to stand next to me when I am having self doubt...
 and to also join me when I choose them to experience great things.
just have fun .... be present

my homework was to accept the loneliness, stress, and fear and let it set in.
To experience it ....and how it will be ok in the end.

and it almost always is

write ya later,
xo
m


next post :
the men who return, the one or so I wish would step up, and the few I have to set boundaries because of timing and status.





Thursday, October 3, 2019

It's been a long time since anyone has sent me music.
People send me things to listen to, and things to laugh about, 
but when someone is connected to music and chooses something...
something
specifically for you and your heart
it's like getting an old school mixed tape.
it's a cool thing.
It brings back memories of old times.
Young hearts trying to relate through recommended books and songs.
If more people utilized music, songs, books, and poetry when connecting instead of Tinder....
well....
The game would be on a different level
Maybe most aren't intellectual enough for the "mixed tape"connection.




I remember how I would take days picking songs and putting them on the tape....but the true art form, along with song picking was the decorating of the case and the insert.  
I would use pictures and hand drawn art.
If someone took the time to do these things you KNEW they were thinking about you.
The 80s...
back when you had to answer the real phone ( on the wall)....
scream at your parent to hang up!...
talk all night,
write paper letters,
and master the late night mix tape....
the true art of love.

Therapy...
interesting. 
I was told I need to sit and be uncomfortable, stew in my own stress so that I learn what pain and stress feels like instead of trying to automatically fix it, look for answers or sweep it under the rug.
I have been asked to wait before reaction.....
breathe and just know that even if I say nothing (near impossible)...
If I get no answer....
If I just sit and let whatever is happening happen
It will be ok.
I don't need to jump up and look for an answer or correct anything.
I need to understand that my heart is dealing with it's own trauma...
and the other person is too
It's not my fault and I cannot fix this alone...
this is trauma from childhood coming back to haunt me.
let it fester and figure it out so that I can stop fighting the same fight...
over and over,
year after year
lover after lover....
and any lover in my life really deserves the best, strongest, most beautiful parts of me
not the trauma.
My heart did used to shine....
My intention has never been to hurt 
But to love and be loved 
hard, passionate, deep
to shine 
with you.



This song Shine On by the Porters, I was not familiar...
I love it. 
and I thank you. 
I know you are there for me...



💙



Shine On
Deep in your heart there was once a diamond shining bright Every dark place you passed by turned into light But somebody broke into your heart and blew out your lights And your sparkling little diamond turned pale overnight What the hell has become of that pretty girl so sweet and nice Where have remaind your insatiable thirst after life Girl what ever they have done to you, where ever you are No ever so big force on earth could kill a burning hearts Shine on, shine on Don't let the bastards drag you down Shine on, like a torch burns in a storm Shine on and on, and keep the fire burnings Shine on, shine on, shine on Your train ran off the rails, hey girl you didn't lay the tracks If you wanna reach for the sky you have to go through hell and back Don't deliver girl, let me take you by the hand At the end of the rainbow the way of cross still ends Shine on, shine on Don't let the bastards drag you down Shine on, like a torch burns in a storm Shine on and on, and keep the fire burnings Shine on, shine on, shine on Shine on, shine on, shine on Shine on, shine on, shine on Shine on, shine on, shine on Shine on, shine on, shine on Don't let the bastards drag you down Shine on, shine on Don't let the bastards drag you down Shine on, like a torch burns in a storm Shine on and on, and keep the fire burnings Shine on, shine on, shine on Shine on, shine on, shine on Don't let the bastards drag you down


Monday, September 23, 2019

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath
how can you be ready for love


breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m








Sunday, September 15, 2019

selling it short....

until you take charge, and ask me to get dressed up to go somewhere,
 where you can look good standing next to me....
you are not getting the good stuff.
period

yall need to tighten up your game.





xo
m



Saturday, September 14, 2019

Gardening Down Below

ya know....
there are certain body parts which don't get the recognition they should from me.
I just realized the other day that my vagina, vajajay, hootchie, peach, etc does not get the love it so rightly deserves .

go read some stories about falling back in love with your parts


I had a Doctors appointment and , like going to the beach, I said "let's make sure the garden is tidy"
I spend time on a daily basis, cleaning and shaving around the edges etc...but I don't always go all out.
What's the point?  It's just me and it really is not like someone might come along and say ...."hey, let me critique your edging" Although it would be gladly appreciated if someone did come along and want to critique in a nice manner....
So, as I showered I teetered on one leg, lathered and shaved carefully around all the parts. front to back.... 
It brought me back to my younger years when I helped the girls at the Gold Club in Atlanta shave their tweens where they could not reach or see and we would laugh and make literal 
"smart ass remarks" ...
Those were the weird old days and how I got that job for that short amount of time I cannot even remember.
As I shaved my tween, I thought....I think I might like someone to do this for me, yet I'm not willing to go get anything waxed (way too personal)...so fancy razor and me , myself and , I it is.

When one shaves delicate areas there is a lot of yoga poses and balancing acts....
bending and hand play to get everything smooth.
The back end is harder still because the area is not so forgiving.
The final part is a nice little haircut on the front.
I have embraced hair.
I used to shave it all or leave little parts but I have since decided I like some fur....
although my fur is straight and that has always bothered me, maybe someone had commented one time?
who knows,
but I have let it grow but keep it short.
and occasionally I shave it because I, personally like the smooth feeling...
especially after a shower shave and baby oil.

women are often extremely sensitive to the looks of their lady parts down there. 
What is normal?
Why is it this way and her's is that way?
Porn only shows nice little "girl like" ones
This is so traumatizing to some women that they have taken to cutting there labias off to please the other sex's visual choice.
I don't think I have ever heard a man say...
"I'm gonna get my penis reconstructed because the ones I see on TV are huge and look like a PBR tall boy"
never....nope never


My finished manicured garden looked lovely and I was pretty sure the doctor would appreciate.

doctors appointment was a different story

all is good 
take care of your garden, and manicure that lawn anyway that makes YOU happy
Because, I think most people who enter your garden are just grateful they were invited to the garden
make sense?

love ya...
write ya later,
xo,
m