I was all ready winded walking from the lot to the base.
I'm pretty sure most people won't admit that but I am into telling the truth.
I read the sign....
stood at the bottom and said, " I know you probably can do it...."
I honestly thought...
I cannot do that.
but I came this far,
I might as well start.
The people who walked up with me took a selfie with their significant other and wished me luck...
I looked down at my shoes and up the zipper along the mountain front.
I'm gonna walk up that....to the top....
the view from the base
"it's not a race....it's a pilgrimage"
I started right here and pushed the negative thoughts to the side.
3000 railroad ties....
as I started up and lost my breath I told myself to concentrate on the steps....
think about being present with your self and stepping.
and that is exactly what I did.
as I stepped, I greeted others and others greeted and encouraged me.
we sat together and rested.
we shared snacks
we wished one a happy birthday
I spoke to one about concentrating on the task at hand and it's ok to be scared....
we stepped together for a bit....
while alone, I thought about what had been bothering me this week...
why am I the woman everyone loves and comes back to, but yet no one want to take me out.
ever since I was in my late teens to twenties I was the woman men wanted to call at 11pm, but did to want to take the time to get dressed and be together during the day.
( I was never one to be easy or put out...so it was a moot point)
but it still happens.
it brings back thoughts of not being enough.
I continued to step
I am not here to figure out if it is them.
wondering if it is predatory ....
knowing when someone is weak
or is it attraction
or is it really just human nature?
the view from the top, my mind fairly clear and pleased with my legs for taking me to the top.
I started my walk down the back side which was a slow descent which gave me plenty of time to think.
the world is beautiful and I am lucky.
My relationship /relationships are a small part of me, and what I am about.
Not many have taken the time to get to know these things about me.
or experience them with me....
to stand and smile at this...
to kiss in the sunlight and be encouraging to each other and the people who cross our paths
to wonder together and learn history...
because we are choosing to share time together.
to not live separate, yet demand allegiance out of spite.
friends , lovers , companions.
I have them all and have been thankful for the ones who are here, and some even overstepping boundaries and codes to stand next to me when I am having self doubt...
and to also join me when I choose them to experience great things.
just have fun .... be present
my homework was to accept the loneliness, stress, and fear and let it set in.
To experience it ....and how it will be ok in the end.
and it almost always is
write ya later,
next post :
the men who return, the one or so I wish would step up, and the few I have to set boundaries because of timing and status.