I Pick You , Dummy

"You have been alone for so long , M"

Don't have guilt....

well, you know.

I laugh...because of course things could have been handled better.

Of course I could have thought more about what the result of my actions would entail.

BUT

I did...

and I did it anyways.

and here I am

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

say anything...

and here it goes

it's a story...

like high school

all names have been changed

(all of this is not verbatim, and some may be made up)

"If I don't tell you now, I'll miss my chance."

This is stuff love stories are made of....

"I have been waiting for 4 years for this day....4 years quietly waiting"

how does this happen?

It happens because when the stupid heart picks someone ....sometimes it dwells

and dwell it does

sometimes for years at a time

sometimes it tries to date,

tries to move,

tries to be normal....

but it just can't

it waits.

stupid heart

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You are beautiul

whatever you have been told....

fuck it....

look at me

I'm telling you....

I got nothing to lose but everything....

you

are perfect....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me:

thank you

now.....

when do I get to talk?

when can I scream to the world

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

when do I get to stop being the hard ass

and say,

you kill me

when can I post pictures 

when can I tell a friend

when can I say....

I____________you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

you looked at me and said this is my chance....

I haven't really dated, because of you ....

I never moved away, because of you....

the only reason I came over was to see....

you.

I have been in love with you for years....

now I sound like an idiot ...

now I have broken guy code....

now I could be totally....

I don't know....

fucked

but I had to say it to you

and now ....

I did.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

my heart

I've been alone for so long

I've been together for so long

we have been friends for so long

how did I not know?

because I love people.

I love my friends

my love is broad....

so, it's hard to distinquish

BUT

when you touched the small of my back to lead me away

I knew.

"you are breaking guy code, you know that right?"

you looked at me then looked ahead.

you opened the car door....

something that I had long forgotten was a thing

you smiled when you got in

you looked at me and sighed 

"yeah, I know....I know, but you are worth it to me....

even if I lose you and everyone else"

I wanted to punch you in the throat

I wanted to scream and run

I tried to explain you to me, which was ridiculous

but you....

you looked at me 

and shrugged

"it's just what my heart wants and I have to believe there is a higher power putting this all into motion...it has to mean something"

yes

my heart is scared

not of you....

of others....

what they will say

how to explain

why can't they see

the "say anything"

in all of this...

the testing the waters of love....

the love story,

unfolding

?

xo,

m

love stories

I promise at some point the humor will come back

I promise

seriously

write ya later

tap tap....please turn on...please work

Facebook.com

When the heart is broken, non working, unable, a piece of crap for so long....

 one starts to figure out ways to feel again.

to feel like a person again....

to see if it's worthy...

not just the heart....
 but your soul, and your person

you begin to question are you not only lovable again....

are you even fucking likable?

Are you too weird in the head to let people in?

Have you buried your thoughts for so long they have become a deviant, hot mess 6 inches below the surface and if someone gets that magic key and opens the door...

lord have mercy...

they are no way going to be ready.

even if they adore you from the outside....

the inside...

is

not 

safe

but yet as I have been told,

"it is unfortunate that you have this amazing body and are so fun...
and yet....
it's still connected to your brain"

Yes....

all this....

it unfortunately comes with my personality too....

sorry

you are awesome, you are beautiful, fucking amazing....

but...

always....

but....

last call girl
friend to all
always awake
always here
talkable

perfectly fun

"but I can never be with you,
I know too much....
we don't mesh...
our ideals are different...
you would never fit in with my friends...."

"send me a pic...
talk to me....
come spend the night...."

now I learn how to be
how to maybe love again
how to choose wisely
how to laugh
how to touch
how to let go


xo
write ya later
I got this
slow and steady wins the race
m

What the Fuck Chapter are We On?

He was yelling in pain...but I think it was mostly fear.
He had all ready told me how nervous he was.
How much anxiety he had....
and I said, "it's a fast procedure, I'm gonna be standing there with you in the room....Don't worry, we will take good care of you"

Fact: eye surgery is scary as fuck for people.
It causes anxiety
It is not usually painful, at all....
but it IS scary....because you are usually awake

As the Dr started the procedure he yelled and screamed, a grown man....I rolled my eyes.
We explained we were giving more medication....
he whimpered and yelled out.
The Surgeon finally said, " we can't go on if you keep doing this....it's microsurgery and if you move it can be really serious."
He cussed at her.
As the nurse in this operating room, I chart and manage the patient the best I can....it usually involves a bit of silly banter as I clean their face for sterile field...and sometimes a reminder that they can't move....you know, because the surgeon has little tiny tools in the patient's eyeball and one wiggle is like an earthquake....so you do the math.

This guy would not hold still. ... I finally left my area and walked around the bed and said , "Dave, it's Myssi, the nurse who washed your face....I know you can't see me but do you hear me?"
Yes...
I walked to the side of the bed....I reached under the blankets and I found his big old biker hand, which was clenched into a fist ripping the blankets from the bed....
The surgeon continued to try to work, but with all the movement, she was mostly yelling along with the patient....
I put my hand on his hand and wiggled my fingers into his big paw, and didn't say a word.  I just squeezed his hand and gently let him take a minute to know I was holding his hand....I gave it a big squeeze, he squeezed back and I looked at the surgeon and gave a nod.   "Dave, breathe for me....nice and slow and just breathe". his hand loosened around mine a bit, and he started to slowly exhale...." don't hold your breath....I'm right here like I said....and I'm gonna breathe with you....and we are going to get that eye fixed"
We finished the surgery.  Dave squeezing the the heck out of my hand.
After it was all over, and we were cleaning the room...the surgeon came up to me and laughed....
"you are really good at what you do...sometimes ,we (doctors) ,overthink things."
I said, "Sometimes it's not medicine we need ....it's just a simple thing like holding a hand and letting them know they aren't alone ....all the years in school, they didn't teach you that? come on....I could have saved ya some money :) "
"yeah, well thanks....I think that is why we have nurses."

The point of this post....
We all need a hand to hold and squeeze at some point.
Right now, my life is changing...I'm questioning everything, but along with this I have things I need to take care of.
I have a doctors appointment which has taken up much of my thoughts.

I have been clearing room, as I have tried to explain to a few people.

Am I making mistakes by pushing them away? I'm not sure. The burden is real. Just as I told someone tonight:
My story is all ready written,
I really just need to know what chapter I am on before I move in any direction.
Are we in the start of the second chapter? or is this the finale?
let me get the cliff notes so that I can figure this out.
Let me move slow to make sure there is a clean place for everything new that is coming at me.
so that I'm not piling it onto the same dirty area...
and man, I have made some dirty areas lately.
I'm listening...
I am here,
I hear you....
can you find my hand in the dark?

xo,
write ya later,
m


ps.  I hope this is Part 2....

First cut....

know what's great?
Well, this girl is gonna tell you!

This is great.....
I can have whatever I want on my phone.
I can buy what I want.
I can talk to whom ever I want
I can send whatever pic I want to anyone I want.

I can love who I want.
I can have a beer with whoever I want
I can sit and do nothing if I want.
My money is mine.

If someone says ....
lets go to "______" for the weekend, I can go.
I can go to a show with who ever I want.
I can stay out as long as I want.
If I don't want to eat dinner...
I don't have to worry about anyone else

There are many things that aren't great....
many many many.....
But lets go with what's great right here right now.
It's gonna be ok....
I'm gonna cry a lot...
I'm gonna be mad a lot....
I'm gonna miss his love and touch he used to give me ....a lot
I'm gonna miss the good things, and there were good things, many good things
I'm gonna miss his sense of humor....
I'm gonna miss just having someone here....

But....
It's gonna be ok.
for us both....
for all of us....
I hope he sees that in the end....
that being happy is good and maybe, he will eventually see I'm not the bitch he thinks I am....
that I am who I am....
I am strong....
I am funny ....
I am adventurous....
I am a mom....
I am a lover....
I am me....
I am the person he loved at one time....
I still really am.....


xo,
m

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And she's taken almost all that I've got
But if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
'Cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
And if you want, I'll try to love again
But baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed

When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

The first cut is the deepest

Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's curse
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first

That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

First Day of My Life

Sometimes , a song just sums it up.    

💚

I think I was blind....

Listen, smile, love 

Xo,

M

Path to You

Life is short .... so cliche
My life and the paths I have chosen have been wonderful
The people I have chosen to be with...
I love them all

People change
I have changed
My needs have changed
My love of activity and adventure has changed
My need for love and companionship has grown
And although my independence has grown 100 fold,
Literally.....
I want to share my love, adventures , laughter, ups and downs ,
with people who want to be near me .
It is a real thing
I feel it

Tonight I asked someone to help me
It’s not my norm.
But the people around me understand ....
My request was simple....
Explain
Explain what happened between us
Make it as beautiful as it was
Or is
Tell them,
So that I can breathe again
So that I can lift my head....
And heart .

Help me
So that I can climb from this pit
Into the warmth of it all
And smile
Again

Help me
So that my two hands ....
Can hold your two hands
My lips can whisper ....
Thank you
In your ear

Help me
So that my story can resume
In the open
Crossing with your story
As it is being written
Without shame
But as it should be ....
With love

Write ya later
Xo
M