tap tap....please turn on...please work

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When the heart is broken, non working, unable, a piece of crap for so long....

 one starts to figure out ways to feel again.

to feel like a person again....

to see if it's worthy...

not just the heart....
 but your soul, and your person

you begin to question are you not only lovable again....

are you even fucking likable?

Are you too weird in the head to let people in?

Have you buried your thoughts for so long they have become a deviant, hot mess 6 inches below the surface and if someone gets that magic key and opens the door...

lord have mercy...

they are no way going to be ready.

even if they adore you from the outside....

the inside...

is

not 

safe

but yet as I have been told,

"it is unfortunate that you have this amazing body and are so fun...
and yet....
it's still connected to your brain"

Yes....

all this....

it unfortunately comes with my personality too....

sorry

you are awesome, you are beautiful, fucking amazing....

but...

always....

but....

last call girl
friend to all
always awake
always here
talkable

perfectly fun

"but I can never be with you,
I know too much....
we don't mesh...
our ideals are different...
you would never fit in with my friends...."

"send me a pic...
talk to me....
come spend the night...."

now I learn how to be
how to maybe love again
how to choose wisely
how to laugh
how to touch
how to let go


xo
write ya later
I got this
slow and steady wins the race
m

Parenting with no handbook : death part 1

3/23/19

death of the heart

No one ever can tell you how to handle this.

no one.

there is no book,

 lesson, 

priest, 

therapist, 

or Shaman 

who can lead you through this labyrinth of pain.

by far the hardest job I have yet to attempt and let me tell you....

it is not because I want to

I have to

As a Mom I am required to be there
 receiving the call at 7am on a Saturday morning that your son is alive....

but

his girlfriend is deceased will put even the strongest soul to their knees...you cannot run.
Hearing your son screaming in pain and heartache in the background
will make you not stand tall to the job of parenting, but will make you want to exhale every ounce of breath from your body.
Arriving and seeing your child, although alive,
in his underwear outside in 40 degree weather vomiting,
alone, pale, with only a police advocate waiting
will crush your heart into a million pieces.
Holding his head, wiping his mouth, warming him as much as the cold, cold air will allow...
as he weeps, "she was so blue, so cold, mom, mom, I did the CPR....I did everything,...I did..."
I know, baby, I know.
"every bone in her chest broke...."
I know...I'm so sorry, Bubba....
I hate this.

They blocked his view...standing in front of the car so he could not see as the body of his young lover is brought down on a cold hard stretcher in a bag ....
by people who are merely doing their job.

"you are free to get what you need and go"
That's it?


Could it get worse...?
it could have for me...
the guilt of my having my living child bellowing in my lap was only made horrifyingly worse when the other mother called him.
the wailing of pain shot out of the phone ,piercing my heart
his wailing and apologizing
my panic and fear
her pain...
her questions,
her begging for why...why did this happen
grabbing the phone and pleading
I cry....I cry for my guilt...the knowing I was there when she should have been ...
to know I saw her broken, child as they took her out....she saw nothing, no closure , only pain
"we couldn't call we couldn't call...they would not let us call...."
I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry....

He won't sleep in a bed...
he won't be alone...
He wants my hand on him when he sleeps...
but he has barely slept,
he won't eat
"It should have been me"
Baby, it very well could have been you
and now we need you to stay with us...
She would want you to stay with us
"I'm going to try, Mom...I just hurt so bad"

It's been 3 days and I can barely sleep without picturing the horrifying scenario he has told me when we sit quietly.
my stomach turns
"mom, I love you so much....this is so hard, why, why is this happening"
Bubba, it will never be ok....
I refuse to say it will be ok....
you will never forget what you saw and the last encounter
but we have to get through this
with you here.

I am doing my best
this task of parenting, loving, and praying he stays on this earth with his broken soul

please, Blue
because without you...
I will die

m




this post was held in quiet limbo until anointing, viewing, and releasing of her beautiful soul was completed

💙
to Blue and Ashton