Empath's Rule

 To walk away or to stay? That is the question I have asked myself many times in my life. Not an easy question by any means, and not a question to take lightly. One random thing I think about is: 

Man, you really do travel this life alone.

The best one can hope for is that you cross paths with people who you can at least spend some enjoyable time with, before your time is over. 

Amen

My time recently has been eaten up by family responsibilities and maintaining the health and sanity of those within my small small circle.  I realize this is not uncommon, but yet, when do I take a minute to step outside my area and take a few breaths for myself....without guilt, fear or anger?  A work friend and I were discussing the counseling I was attending for my daughter, and a bit of the scares and heartbreaks  I have experienced with my two kids. How I never feel like a good parent if my kids have fallen into these holes of hurt and pain...but I fight like hell every day for them to see their beauty. I would not change a thing in my life right n ow except for them to be what we see in them and put the fear and judgements from the world behind them. I cry every time I speak of either one of them, not for sadness, but for my fear that they may never see how amazing life is.  

When are you going to get some counseling?

OMG, no shit.  I feel bad for the therapist I eventually sit with.  At this point I am working 2 jobs to cover life expenses and therapies for O, so that she can be safe and stay out of the hospital. Believe you me.......when I get a free day and an extra $150 I am IN.

When does the fun begin?

Honestly, everyday is a pretty good day.  All in all I really don't have much to complain about, just things to manage.  Am I sad some people have walked away? Very much so.  But they have their lives too.  I am not their inner circle....but I will almost always be there for them. I like to think that we all need separation  to move in the directions needed so that we can come back to each other stronger and with more love and knowledge.  I feel confident in my heart and head that the few people whom have turned away know that I love them dearly and will always and I will be right here for them if they ever need me, a hug, a dinner, a cocktail, a place to just sit and breathe.  I know that.

Love when you can love and never forget it

Yeah, that      Love and hugs are an amazing thing. Closeness and intimacy are secret worlds. No one will ever again make me feel guilty of how much, who, when or why I choose love and laughter. For each time and person I have chosen, or those who have loved me, I am grateful. Especially grateful for the loves who are still here, so that we can remind each other how special friendships are. how longterm unconditional love can not be trumped by petty ideas and life rules.  

An Empath's rule: My heart will always be open to you

As will my sense of humor, my brute honesty, and my abilities to love and piss off at the same time.

Now off to start this wonderful Sunday.

write ya later,

m

Holding on for Life

Broken Bells

Girl take a seat, rest your weary bones

Your secrets safe in my hands

Tell me about the years and

Let me buy an hour

Maybe help me to understand

Ooh ain't nobody callin'

Ain't nobody home

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Light another cigarette

Burning in the cold

Waiting on the street for your man

You're trying not to look so

Young and miserable

You gotta get your kicks while you can

In the lighted corner, sitting on your own

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Well you might belong to another time

Still you have to carry on here

No where else to go and you never know

What to hide and what to show, no

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

it wasn't fast

 I just have to laugh...seriously....How long can this divorce last!???

papers have been filed....now I have to wait before I can buy house, buy a car, remove him from my insurance, shit....I can't even rent anything at this point.

it's insane.....but.  whatever.  It is going to be fine.  But a year and a half for a divorce between 2 people who really have nothing is ridiculous.  We have spent more in lawyer fees than we probably make in a year.   Because of him.  I'll leave that there.   I was willing to give him half of everything, the house ....etc....but he fought it.   

whatever.

So, here I am.

waiting still

I have said this a million times. I laugh that it seems so simple 

I just want to live and be happy.  I want to laugh and take care of the people in my life.

I want to have abs,

I want to have a house in  CR...

I want to have sex, good sex,

I want my kids to be happy,

I want my ex lovers to see my beauty....

I want to travel,

I want to be able to ride a gravel bike with my friends ...and not die....

Soon.  soon they say.

I dont want to buy a 450k house, (which still needs updated)

 because that is all that is available....

I'd rather live in a shack in CR

I dont want to rent

I want my kid to be happy

I want my lover to be happy

I want my friends to still love me

I don't want people to say "wow that was fast"

because....

it was not fast.   it was miserably slow.   10 years of the 19 were mostly sad, and self deprecating, and not living life to my fullest.    so ,NO ! it wasn't fast.   Shut your mouth.   Let me live ...

ok....

my rant for the night.

xo,

m

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.

It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time

In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...

I just called it life.

Things could only be great for so long....

then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.

it was reality.

Like this:

find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,

shit will still happen.

Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...

sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.

2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....

to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.

"life is short"

"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"

and some of this......

"you will never do it"

"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"

"go ahead...try it"

bitch

with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....

or let me write....

write....

write....

It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....

is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.

the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.

lessons in life

lessons in love

lesson for the heart, body, soul.

For one amazing good thing gained...

Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...

no, you are not experiencing Karma....

that is not how it works

but I think it may actually be.

but ,

good is happening 

he keeps me smiling all day.

he touches me in a way I have never been touched

he checks on me

at all hours,

he cancels all of my fears....

over and over again

without 

wavering.

trust 

nothing to hide

open book

canceling out karma

with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...

maybe time running out 

is a gift

xo,

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find
m

listen....

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin

The fragile heart you protected for so long

Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong

It's not your hands searching slow in the dark

Or your nails leaving love's watermark

It's not the way you talk me off the roof

Your questions like directions to the truth

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke

And laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

One day you'll be gone

I Pick You , Dummy

"You have been alone for so long , M"

Don't have guilt....

well, you know.

I laugh...because of course things could have been handled better.

Of course I could have thought more about what the result of my actions would entail.

BUT

I did...

and I did it anyways.

and here I am

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

say anything...

and here it goes

it's a story...

like high school

all names have been changed

(all of this is not verbatim, and some may be made up)

"If I don't tell you now, I'll miss my chance."

This is stuff love stories are made of....

"I have been waiting for 4 years for this day....4 years quietly waiting"

how does this happen?

It happens because when the stupid heart picks someone ....sometimes it dwells

and dwell it does

sometimes for years at a time

sometimes it tries to date,

tries to move,

tries to be normal....

but it just can't

it waits.

stupid heart

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You are beautiul

whatever you have been told....

fuck it....

look at me

I'm telling you....

I got nothing to lose but everything....

you

are perfect....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me:

thank you

now.....

when do I get to talk?

when can I scream to the world

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

when do I get to stop being the hard ass

and say,

you kill me

when can I post pictures 

when can I tell a friend

when can I say....

I____________you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

you looked at me and said this is my chance....

I haven't really dated, because of you ....

I never moved away, because of you....

the only reason I came over was to see....

you.

I have been in love with you for years....

now I sound like an idiot ...

now I have broken guy code....

now I could be totally....

I don't know....

fucked

but I had to say it to you

and now ....

I did.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

my heart

I've been alone for so long

I've been together for so long

we have been friends for so long

how did I not know?

because I love people.

I love my friends

my love is broad....

so, it's hard to distinquish

BUT

when you touched the small of my back to lead me away

I knew.

"you are breaking guy code, you know that right?"

you looked at me then looked ahead.

you opened the car door....

something that I had long forgotten was a thing

you smiled when you got in

you looked at me and sighed 

"yeah, I know....I know, but you are worth it to me....

even if I lose you and everyone else"

I wanted to punch you in the throat

I wanted to scream and run

I tried to explain you to me, which was ridiculous

but you....

you looked at me 

and shrugged

"it's just what my heart wants and I have to believe there is a higher power putting this all into motion...it has to mean something"

yes

my heart is scared

not of you....

of others....

what they will say

how to explain

why can't they see

the "say anything"

in all of this...

the testing the waters of love....

the love story,

unfolding

?

xo,

m

love stories

I promise at some point the humor will come back

I promise

seriously

write ya later

tap tap....please turn on...please work

Facebook.com

When the heart is broken, non working, unable, a piece of crap for so long....

 one starts to figure out ways to feel again.

to feel like a person again....

to see if it's worthy...

not just the heart....
 but your soul, and your person

you begin to question are you not only lovable again....

are you even fucking likable?

Are you too weird in the head to let people in?

Have you buried your thoughts for so long they have become a deviant, hot mess 6 inches below the surface and if someone gets that magic key and opens the door...

lord have mercy...

they are no way going to be ready.

even if they adore you from the outside....

the inside...

is

not 

safe

but yet as I have been told,

"it is unfortunate that you have this amazing body and are so fun...
and yet....
it's still connected to your brain"

Yes....

all this....

it unfortunately comes with my personality too....

sorry

you are awesome, you are beautiful, fucking amazing....

but...

always....

but....

last call girl
friend to all
always awake
always here
talkable

perfectly fun

"but I can never be with you,
I know too much....
we don't mesh...
our ideals are different...
you would never fit in with my friends...."

"send me a pic...
talk to me....
come spend the night...."

now I learn how to be
how to maybe love again
how to choose wisely
how to laugh
how to touch
how to let go


xo
write ya later
I got this
slow and steady wins the race
m

What the Fuck Chapter are We On?

He was yelling in pain...but I think it was mostly fear.
He had all ready told me how nervous he was.
How much anxiety he had....
and I said, "it's a fast procedure, I'm gonna be standing there with you in the room....Don't worry, we will take good care of you"

Fact: eye surgery is scary as fuck for people.
It causes anxiety
It is not usually painful, at all....
but it IS scary....because you are usually awake

As the Dr started the procedure he yelled and screamed, a grown man....I rolled my eyes.
We explained we were giving more medication....
he whimpered and yelled out.
The Surgeon finally said, " we can't go on if you keep doing this....it's microsurgery and if you move it can be really serious."
He cussed at her.
As the nurse in this operating room, I chart and manage the patient the best I can....it usually involves a bit of silly banter as I clean their face for sterile field...and sometimes a reminder that they can't move....you know, because the surgeon has little tiny tools in the patient's eyeball and one wiggle is like an earthquake....so you do the math.

This guy would not hold still. ... I finally left my area and walked around the bed and said , "Dave, it's Myssi, the nurse who washed your face....I know you can't see me but do you hear me?"
Yes...
I walked to the side of the bed....I reached under the blankets and I found his big old biker hand, which was clenched into a fist ripping the blankets from the bed....
The surgeon continued to try to work, but with all the movement, she was mostly yelling along with the patient....
I put my hand on his hand and wiggled my fingers into his big paw, and didn't say a word.  I just squeezed his hand and gently let him take a minute to know I was holding his hand....I gave it a big squeeze, he squeezed back and I looked at the surgeon and gave a nod.   "Dave, breathe for me....nice and slow and just breathe". his hand loosened around mine a bit, and he started to slowly exhale...." don't hold your breath....I'm right here like I said....and I'm gonna breathe with you....and we are going to get that eye fixed"
We finished the surgery.  Dave squeezing the the heck out of my hand.
After it was all over, and we were cleaning the room...the surgeon came up to me and laughed....
"you are really good at what you do...sometimes ,we (doctors) ,overthink things."
I said, "Sometimes it's not medicine we need ....it's just a simple thing like holding a hand and letting them know they aren't alone ....all the years in school, they didn't teach you that? come on....I could have saved ya some money :) "
"yeah, well thanks....I think that is why we have nurses."

The point of this post....
We all need a hand to hold and squeeze at some point.
Right now, my life is changing...I'm questioning everything, but along with this I have things I need to take care of.
I have a doctors appointment which has taken up much of my thoughts.

I have been clearing room, as I have tried to explain to a few people.

Am I making mistakes by pushing them away? I'm not sure. The burden is real. Just as I told someone tonight:
My story is all ready written,
I really just need to know what chapter I am on before I move in any direction.
Are we in the start of the second chapter? or is this the finale?
let me get the cliff notes so that I can figure this out.
Let me move slow to make sure there is a clean place for everything new that is coming at me.
so that I'm not piling it onto the same dirty area...
and man, I have made some dirty areas lately.
I'm listening...
I am here,
I hear you....
can you find my hand in the dark?

xo,
write ya later,
m


ps.  I hope this is Part 2....

Lets Look at Each Other for a Minute

first time I was kissed it was by Carl.
I had practiced on my pillow I had read every Judy Blume book....
I was ready.
Carl, 2 grades older, red beret, artist, tall, cool
Why did he like me.?
Little skater girl ......

I will never in my life forget it.
he leaned in to kiss me, I puckered, he opened....I freaked....
I literally had no idea...the French kiss.  
the FRENCH KISS
I just couldn't.  wasn't that how babies were made???
He hesitated, he laughed ....the next words out of his mouth were,
"I am going to tell everyone in high school you don't know how to kiss"
These few words, to an oncoming freshman, were the death.

 The first boyfriend I ever had betrayed my sweet lips.
It hurt.
I swore I would never be in that predicament again.

kissing.
I would never misunderstand the art of kissing again.
never.
ever

Kissing is my thing.
I love it.
Lips, tongue, smiles, breath, teeth.
you can learn a person's soul through their kisses.
you can learn a person's limits...
the hand on the back, under the skirt, touching your neck gently....
the smell, the taste, the neck nibble.
the breath
the breath
your breath

how can you be ready for love

breathe
wet
whisper
secrets


I don't get to kiss often.
when I kiss it starts fires within me, and within whoever I choose to kiss
to be in control of the kiss....
to let someone else control your kiss
it tells a story
a story no one else can replicate.
Kisses are like fingerprints.

to each
kisses

kisses

xo,
m