Boobs are just fine as of Friday. Still have to get a mammagram every year and a breast MRI every year , so that is a boob job every 6 months. To top that off it's not covered 100% by insurance. I take that back. If I could afford the insurance that takes 700$ out of my paycheck every time it is only a copay....but if I could afford that I would just save the money and not have to pay for insurance. Catch -22, right?
Murphy's Law always prevails. Boobs good, Lungs not....well not lungs but the right middle lobe has something that showed up. Could be nothing , could be everything. I guess I will find out. But in the inbetween, do I really want to go to gym or not drink a cocktail or two. Should I have really worried about my belly fat and cellulite for the last year? Maybe I should have had the ice cream. The thing with Boobs.......they can lop those bitches off, lungs...not so much.
as a nurse who worked in procedures and diagnostics I know that when a person has been "cancer free" for 7-10 years then they start having respiratory issues it means it is not in your boobs, but has metastasized to lungs or bones or brain. I've seen it many times. Healthy...but not so much.
Well, this is giving me the power to get my business in order and make sure everyone knows where I need to be and the party that needs to be had IF that is the case. I'm hoping and praying that it is just "inflammation or a blood clot" which it could very well be. I have really only told 3 people , and I have to wait to see what the dr says, right??? Yes.... but like I said, I'm a nurse and know too much. I can read the MRI and the report.
Other than that. Here we are. doing our goshdarn best. I bought myself a new Kindle ( the cheap one) to treat myself for the boobs still surviving strong. I need to outlive my ex, so that I can cash in on his benefits before he cashes in on mine .
Every Muse outlives her stay.
this too shall pass
xo,
Victory to the great teacher,
m
across the universe
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva, om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
Jai guru deva, om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
To walk away or to stay? That is the question I have asked myself many times in my life. Not an easy question by any means, and not a question to take lightly. One random thing I think about is:
Man, you really do travel this life alone.
The best one can hope for is that you cross paths with people who you can at least spend some enjoyable time with, before your time is over.
Amen
My time recently has been eaten up by family responsibilities and maintaining the health and sanity of those within my small small circle. I realize this is not uncommon, but yet, when do I take a minute to step outside my area and take a few breaths for myself....without guilt, fear or anger? A work friend and I were discussing the counseling I was attending for my daughter, and a bit of the scares and heartbreaks I have experienced with my two kids. How I never feel like a good parent if my kids have fallen into these holes of hurt and pain...but I fight like hell every day for them to see their beauty. I would not change a thing in my life right n ow except for them to be what we see in them and put the fear and judgements from the world behind them. I cry every time I speak of either one of them, not for sadness, but for my fear that they may never see how amazing life is.
When are you going to get some counseling?
OMG, no shit. I feel bad for the therapist I eventually sit with. At this point I am working 2 jobs to cover life expenses and therapies for O, so that she can be safe and stay out of the hospital. Believe you me.......when I get a free day and an extra $150 I am IN.
When does the fun begin?
Honestly, everyday is a pretty good day. All in all I really don't have much to complain about, just things to manage. Am I sad some people have walked away? Very much so. But they have their lives too. I am not their inner circle....but I will almost always be there for them. I like to think that we all need separation to move in the directions needed so that we can come back to each other stronger and with more love and knowledge. I feel confident in my heart and head that the few people whom have turned away know that I love them dearly and will always and I will be right here for them if they ever need me, a hug, a dinner, a cocktail, a place to just sit and breathe. I know that.
Love when you can love and never forget it
Yeah, that Love and hugs are an amazing thing. Closeness and intimacy are secret worlds. No one will ever again make me feel guilty of how much, who, when or why I choose love and laughter. For each time and person I have chosen, or those who have loved me, I am grateful. Especially grateful for the loves who are still here, so that we can remind each other how special friendships are. how longterm unconditional love can not be trumped by petty ideas and life rules.
An Empath's rule: My heart will always be open to you
As will my sense of humor, my brute honesty, and my abilities to love and piss off at the same time.
I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today
2/4/19
This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.
It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.
Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.
The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer. All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.
This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from.
I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there. Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....
but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready.
Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...
and when it's time to knit another sock....
it may not be perfect, but it will be better.
It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.
I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern. This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.
I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"
happy little mistakes.
( I think she got that from Bob Ross)
( from Etsy.com somewhere)
There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.
I destroyed them....
yup, my fault entirely...
Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.
As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore. The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.
Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.
Really make it work.
It's only fair.
The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;
I can't be mad at myself. No one is ever that great at something new. It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.
Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.
What would you think if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song and i'll try not to sing out of key. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends What do i do when my love is away (does it worry you to be alone?) how do i feel by the end of the day, (are you sad because you're on your own?) No, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i need somebody to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Would you believe in a love at first sight yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time what do you see when you turn out the light i can't tell you but i know it's mine, Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i just need someone to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends.
