To walk away or to stay? That is the question I have asked myself many times in my life. Not an easy question by any means, and not a question to take lightly. One random thing I think about is:
Man, you really do travel this life alone.
The best one can hope for is that you cross paths with people who you can at least spend some enjoyable time with, before your time is over.
Amen
My time recently has been eaten up by family responsibilities and maintaining the health and sanity of those within my small small circle. I realize this is not uncommon, but yet, when do I take a minute to step outside my area and take a few breaths for myself....without guilt, fear or anger? A work friend and I were discussing the counseling I was attending for my daughter, and a bit of the scares and heartbreaks I have experienced with my two kids. How I never feel like a good parent if my kids have fallen into these holes of hurt and pain...but I fight like hell every day for them to see their beauty. I would not change a thing in my life right n ow except for them to be what we see in them and put the fear and judgements from the world behind them. I cry every time I speak of either one of them, not for sadness, but for my fear that they may never see how amazing life is.
When are you going to get some counseling?
OMG, no shit. I feel bad for the therapist I eventually sit with. At this point I am working 2 jobs to cover life expenses and therapies for O, so that she can be safe and stay out of the hospital. Believe you me.......when I get a free day and an extra $150 I am IN.
When does the fun begin?
Honestly, everyday is a pretty good day. All in all I really don't have much to complain about, just things to manage. Am I sad some people have walked away? Very much so. But they have their lives too. I am not their inner circle....but I will almost always be there for them. I like to think that we all need separation to move in the directions needed so that we can come back to each other stronger and with more love and knowledge. I feel confident in my heart and head that the few people whom have turned away know that I love them dearly and will always and I will be right here for them if they ever need me, a hug, a dinner, a cocktail, a place to just sit and breathe. I know that.
Love when you can love and never forget it
Yeah, that Love and hugs are an amazing thing. Closeness and intimacy are secret worlds. No one will ever again make me feel guilty of how much, who, when or why I choose love and laughter. For each time and person I have chosen, or those who have loved me, I am grateful. Especially grateful for the loves who are still here, so that we can remind each other how special friendships are. how longterm unconditional love can not be trumped by petty ideas and life rules.
An Empath's rule: My heart will always be open to you
As will my sense of humor, my brute honesty, and my abilities to love and piss off at the same time.
Now off to start this wonderful Sunday.
write ya later,
m
