Almost Day 21....when I wrote this.

I really did sit and cry the other day at lunch

I sat outside and texted a few people in hopes of being rescued from my own mind.

I was reminded that I was strong and that it wasn't much longer...

and I know that.

I know that

I know

I want to go home.

but then I think of how wonderful this has been 

escaping the pain of my home life and troubles,

 in an area where people do not know me,

but everyone appreciates me...

our jobs keep us so busy that there really is no time for heart hurting pain

or the fact that we are doing some crazy ass nursing shit

we just keep moving

the days are irrelevant and the biggest thing of the day is what you are ordering for dinner 

and if someone will steal it from the food delivery area or not.

I got lost almost every day for a week at Jacobi...

These staff nurses made the days ok...

they were hard asses but I got used to the NY yelling and the weird sense of humor

they made us feel like family

How will I ever stop calling everyone Mommy and Papi

 (it's a Bronx thing)

 Take a minute.  

smiling underneath 

It's soooo hot in those stupid gowns.  

Every room we walk into or come out of we have to don and doff...

every time.

all of that comes off and goes in garbage then you put it on again.

it takes a minute....

when someone is coding (dying) it seems to take 30 minutes to get it on properly

I look at this everyday and wonder what the theme was

These two...Jack and Jenna...

they aren't a couple but were inseparable ....

So weird to see them without masks.  

They look awesome, never would have guessed

still empty.  March 1, 2020

Lots of bridges and I couldn't figure out which was which but they were cool

every one in a while there were donuts from someone.

Covid donuts...

but the nurses we are, we ate them

He started filming the bus ride in slow mo....phone taped to the window.  

He got left once at Jacobi , because his patient coded at shift change and we didn't all know each other yet....after that we always yelled " Is Brandon here?"

Chuck...

Southern as all get out and came from Pediatrics.  He learned how to wipe adult ass and he successfully changed his first bedpan ever,  We all cheered and wrote "I changed my first bedpan!" on the back of his gown 

We tried to stay perky 

renegade Flower Arrangements in the NYC garbage cans...

better than wasting all that beauty

Jordan 

another Colorado nurse

I need to figure out that face...

I saw it all over

I can’t take as many pictures as I would like of the situation I find pertinent, although I have snapped a few.    My feet hurt, my heart hurts , but not as much as these people losing life and loved ones.   It seems for every celebration of an extubation, 3 will die.

   But yet we still must celebrate .... we must.  

We are working too hard to not.   Everyday I go back to my hotel and shower like my life depends on it, sleep, and then do it all over again.  

I will never hear this song and not think about Jacobi 

and how it was played every time they successfully 

got a patient off the ventilator

( with covid, 75% of the people die if they were intubated)

so when we hear this.  

we cheer, no matter what 

because we are cheering not just for the life, 

but for the work we all did, 

for the breath they breathe on their own, 

and for their family who is not there to see that fight 

they are fighting 

write ya later,

xo

m

I have maybe one more NYC post left in me

365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

Protection...a thing of the past?

Contrary to my passivity there was a time I was being raised differently.

I grew up in a family that hunted, ate meat every day, every meal, and farmed on the side.

I fished, put the night crawlers on the hooks, and cleaned the catch myself.

I gigged for bullfrogs with a fork and a broom handle and brought them home to eat.

I'm not even sure that I realized I was a girl.

I was told to be strong and that big girls don't cry.

My brothers had me shooting things and it was often quite comical.  Maybe this is when I decided killing things wasn't for me: here's that story in short form Pistol Packin Mama.

(If you thought I was going to go into some sort of diatribe about not eating meat, you were incorrect.

Not eating meat is just a choice I made as a teen. I ate tons of meat and probably still would if I had NOT been eating meat for so damn long now.  It is surely not political.  I just don't eat meat.  I taste things, I'd actually be a great meat eater ....It literally has just been so long I don't care for the taste.  As a young girl I ate everything from turtle, bullfrogs, squirrel, venison, occasional possum, and rare steak. So,... it was just a choice at a point....)

Anyways , now that we have that settled, back to my point.

I grew up with those 8 older brothers and a dad who were pretty manly. My dad always opened the door for my mom, did the dad things, man things, and my brothers were ALWAYS my protectors.

I guess, even short of women's liberation, I expect that from a man. I want to feel safe even if I was raised by a pack of wolves and can pretty much care for myself...I want to feel protected and safe.

About a year ago or so there was an incident where I was awakened in the middle of the night to what sounded like someone attempting to break in.  It was frightening.  I pushed the other person awake and said, "I'm calling 911.  something is happening...." the other person barely woke... I said, " should we go see? turn on the lights? make sure the door is locked? I gotta get the kid!"

he looked me right in the eye and said something to the effect, " What do you expect me to do?"

I said, "something!...at least get Olive"

no movement...so I took care of it.

This type of thing has happened before...

One time, Olive was just a wee one.  We were at a family pool party or something.... I was off getting something, the other half and the brother were mingling about with Olive.  Whatever happened happened....but when I turned around Olive ad fallen into the deep end of the pool, just like any nightmare, and I could not get there quick enough! Dad just stood there....stood there....Bubba finally jumped in, fully clothed, and grabbed his little sister by the arm and pulled her out.  Everyone was fine...except for me. 

Why didn't he jump in?  Why?  Later it was said something to the sound of, "Well, I had all my clothes on...she was fine"

It has often made me wonder that if something was to happen to me, would I feel safe...or is it another case of me not depending on anyone else? I have to be able to take care of myself....can't count on anyone.  I hate it.
I'm the kind of person who knows all the exits on the airplane and in the movie theaters and how I would save my family if there was a shooting or fire...
would my S.O. do that for us....or just save his self...I'm going to guess the latter.

I want to know the person I am with will know what to do if something happens...

Will take fucking charge.

I want to feel that if someone came after me, or if there was a Zombie Apocalypse I would have some back up.

 I know how to shoot, milk goats, stop a bleed, set a bone, cook, can, and could probably stab someone with a knife if need be ...but,.i don't want to do that, I need someone else to do the stabbing.  Is that too much to ask?

I never wanted guns in the home,or weapons, and I think that might stem from not trusting the people within the house with weapons, but when I know a man can manage weapons

 I feel safe.

 Actually, it's a bit of a turn on....

actually a big turn on.

Is it a turn on for a man to be able to protect? or a necessity?

Or would it be twice the turn on if a woman can shoot to kill on her own?

or does that emasculate a man?

Questions I want to ask 

When I took the defensive arms class, I was the only female.

I liked it...I liked holding the gun and the safety involved and learning something new.

I know plenty of women who shoot etc...it just was never a hobby I was super interested in pursuing, but now it seems as if it would be fun to revisit that hobby. Another thing to learn and attempt to master on my own.

Except I would have no idea where to start short of getting a book...and I sure as shit don't want to walk into some place looking like an idiot female to the man behind the counter ( assuming it is a man)

But...If i could master it....

I could then really feel confident in taking care of myself when I find myself alone.

and not have to worry so much about who is going to protect me when the zombies come.

xo,

m