365 days...cooking in more ways than 1

I used to really like cooking, I know I have said this before...

at some point it became a chore.

It probably was when I really began working later shifts and felt as if I had no support...

and teenagers, teenagers will suck the joy out of everything.

I cook almost every night.

I think it is important to sit at the table together and be present.

This is not always the most highly voted way to eat dinner in my casa, as I know O would like to take her plate to the bedroom and B ....well, I'm not sure he cares either way...as long as it is ready sometime between 6 and 7 ( just as his father used to like)

Me?   Me you ask....?

I like to sit at the table, enjoy my food, watch a bit of tele and chit chat....add a beer after a long day.

It's nice when all goes well.

Last night I threw together Shrimp Tacos and veggie crumble tacos.

I grew up eating shrimp but recently I think I have become allergic, so I try not to eat too many....but I love them so.

 Tomatoes, onion, cilantro and a little lime

rinsed the shrimp and tossed in some thrown together taco seasoning and olive oil....let sit for about 30 minutes, then sauté in oil....let them brown for a minute or 2

then flip!!  mmmmm

O, likes hard taco shells so she got her choice tonight ....I added yummy Mexican hard cheese and of course Marie Sharps hot sauce 

and a beer

O and I had veggie crumbles with taco seasoning (make your own seasoning, don't buy it) with steamed Sweet Potatoes...covers the protein allotment for the day

2/28/19

Yum....I like chopped lettuce   

super simple ...all in all it took longer to clean the pots and pans than cook the dinner

I have been feeling pretty ok.  Started training for the half marathon.  Not sure if I will make it to the Bryce...but I'm going to keep training. Yesterday it was so cold.... I had to head to the gym to run on the treadmill, my nemesis.  As I ran, I watched the mating rituals of the young testosteroned up males.I cannot figure it out.  It's often hard to tell if they are trying to impress the woman or the men....or maybe both in a way.  As much as I love a nice well taken care of hard body, I am not sure I could put up with that type of bravado.  I watched one young chap strut around, bopping from machine to machine with his scantily clad, full makeup, girl trotting behind him carrying his water bottle and his towel.  He was constantly 10 feet in front of her.  weird.

Cleaned out another room and filled the trash can with shit from my life yesterday which felt pretty good once I slammed the lid of the garbage can and kept myself from looking back in it.

Note to self: Don't look at what you throw away...got no time for picking shit OUT of garbage can due to remorse

Weekend is almost here.

Old guy friend, S, is here this weekend. He always spends the first half of his stay with family which is great then he starts texting.  Last night I had to yell... "No,I cannot come get in your Hot Tub...I really have to be up at 4 am....stop sending me those pictures!!!"

finally,  I got the last text around 11pm :)

big dummy

I'm not getting in that hot tub....nope, no matter how enticing it looks

but I know he is going to try to convince me

The weekends have been good, probably because I have been feeling pretty good

I think this weekend will be just as good.

I have to address some more situations,

I have a job interview

I have a couple of training runs to complete,

and maybe I will get up to Denver again....

ya know what I would like?

To go dancing....

Just keep moving forward

find your tribe, or rediscover your tribe

write ya later

xo,

m

randoms... 365 days

Time spent alone in a crowd always makes one think.  Mostly, for me, it's "why am I doing this, this would be better with a friend or two.... "

then I look down and see this:

Does it really mean someone is thinking about me, or trying to contact me?

Hmmmm I hope so.... we will discuss that in a minute.

I particularly like the fact it says 100% charged.

If you are wondering, I did a Cupids Undie Run.  It was fun, I raised about 600$ , so I am happy with that.   I signed up, because someone suggested it, and I thought "that does sound like fun, especially with you ...." 

I was pretty excited to get to do a fun activity with this person, something out of the norm where you kind of get to see how someone is in a different situation.

You can guess...

For whatever reason ,they were unable to attend , But  I stuck it out, even though I was nervous.

2/23/19

I put on my outfit, regardless of what I was worried about, and went. 

 Did I mingle?  

a bit, 

Did I drink? 

DUH

( it was free)

I talked to quite a few people, but no connections, except for some young guy named Patrick....we talked for about 30 minutes or so maybe longer, then I sent him on his way... even if he was cute....and it was actually good conversation, there were way too many young girls around.... I smartly said, " You are awesome, gotta run to the bathroom .... maybe I'll see you out there "

and left him to hit his age group...

( he did find me out side, ran up like we were old buddies, picked me up and swung me around and sat me back down" 

"I'm gonna be running right next to you! " 

( I got a head start and lost him the crowd)

 In my Undies....

Denver's Finest 

 Aww.  he's so nice to pose with me

Oh, then I pulled a classic Myssi, fell on a teeny tiny bit of snow.

Ya know...It was like the Universe reminding me that I'm old 

hahaha

It was a fairly good day.

I stayed at my most fabulous niece's house, in hopes of going out that night.

Unfortunately I was tired...and mopey, due to life stresses

I sat on the couch, dozing in and out thinking about life....

11:11

   is it dead people, or just people in general who are thinking of you?....because I have been thinking a lot about my dead mom, dead dog and my living brother.

the 2 who are dead have been visiting my dreams quite a bit.  It saddens me to no extent so I don't want to think about it.

The live one, my youngest brother , Jamie, has also been in my heart.  I have tried to text him and call him but to no real avail.  He answered once then got confused and said he had to go,

We were so close as kids ( he's 5 years older) but he has had is own demons to battle. 

he now has AIDS and multiple issues.  The dementia associated with the illness is not conducive to good conversation, so when I do get him on the phone it's depressing.

It gives me guilt.

I hope he knows I love him so very much, but I don't think he does.

 Don't judge

I want to have sex more often. 

A lot more...

but I really don't want it to be just random...

For me, it has to have some attachment and meaning,

better yet.... real sex, with emotion. The kind where you look in the other's eyes and smile on the inside thinking

"fuck yes"

Now a days people are so guarded with their emotions, I am not sure this can even happen.

Why is it we can't say to other's ...?

"I like you...

let's just see.

Let's see what we can learn and the good stuff we can experience."

I believe there is too much looking for perfect, not wanting to look like the low person, and not just thinking, " we are pretty awesome together.....let's do this...."

we need more thinking outside the box when it comes to attraction.

Why do people have to wait a reasonable amount of time befor talking to the other?

what does this prove?

Whenever I think about people waiting too long to respond or make the first move...I think, you are going to miss out.

How many times do we wait just to find out the person you want to see is seeing someone else, because you didn't call and make a plan.

Where is it going

Things are getting packed up around my house.  But I'm not sure where it is going.

Still, no voicing any concern or plans from the other half.

Actually the other day as he left the house he said, " I'm going to practice" 

and kissed me on the lips

strange.

we haven't kissed or even pecked in months.

Is this some sort of mind game?

Or did he forget.

It's like groundhog's day

Sleep

I believe me asking for a split has relieved an entire load off of my inner soul.

Not that I don't have something to take it's place...

But for some reason I have been sleeping.

I have been getting about 5 hours a night and lately I have been waking up and not wanting to get up

I want to sleep....

just 30 more minutes.

just 30 more....

The other night, after work, I crawled under the blanket before dinner.

I slept so hard and peacefully that when I woke, it was actually time to GO to bed.

dreams and peace....

and warmth.

Sleep, as such, is cathartic.

Thoughtfulness

what a great action.

incorporating it into my life in little ways.  I feel as if I have always been thoughtful, but the world can use more. People should hear how they are doing good things...

how they are valued.

how they are in one's mind and heart

even the people who just cross your path....

I sent a few gifts to people I have known for years via online...

a hand made bag I know one has admired and mentioned she would love to own, 

a knit hat....to another whom has asked occasionally for a hand knit, yet I have never had time.

a pin to a friend in San Diego...he collects and has admired a few of the ones I have.

a hand written card and note to another

A dinner casserole in the fridge for a friend who is so busy and cooking for self is a chore.

Maybe, in a way it is more for me, than for them.

I'm not sure

I was told to take care of myself

to stop thinking about others 

and focus on self.

I agree that I should put myself first occasionally,

and I'm learning.

It isn't easy, after all these years, to just stop caring for others in the way that I do.

Is it a bad thing?

maybe this is just me.

you know what would be cool?

Someone caring for me as such...

My niece said,

'You so deserve to be worshiped, you don't even know"

I think worship is a strong word...

I'd settle for a strong appreciation

write ya later

xo,

m

today....can I get a ....

2/23/19

Lifeline 

Throw it please ,

Xo

M

short list

I'm so fucking mad right now.
frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?

I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?

This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.

Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.

My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss .  I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while.  I'm exhausted from doing most for the house.  I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations.  This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit.  Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship.  Plan something and don't  say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!  equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit.  take the reins.   I'll support you.
3. I want sex.  Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet.  When I want and love someone....I'm all there.  I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep.  someone who wants to have a quickie in the car.  Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch....   I can't take this non affection anymore.   I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you.  It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there.  Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones.  I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.


There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here.  I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.

write ya later,

xo,

m

Tangled

I woke from the dream and realized I had moved across the expanse of the bed and was pushed up against him. Bare skin of my backside, curled against his front

Dreaming of warmth and safety,

skin to skin touching

warmth

so warm and perfectly fitting...sleep

I was wakened as he was attempting to turn away from my touch,

gently untangling the legs I had naturally wrapped around his.

As he used the excuse to leave the bed for the bathroom I found myself embarrassed...

scooting back to my cold sleepless area of the bed, I glanced at the clock and wondered when I had pulled off my sleep clothes.

2:12 am ....my most hated hour of non sleep.

So tired, cold, even under the heated blanket.... and very very alone.

Returned to bed and turning away, I am left to think.

Let it go. No tears, it's 2 am and you have to be up in a few hours to work.

2/18/19

Off the internet

Loveless Marriage they call it. 

Loveless is a a term I cannot say, because I do not feel this way.

Rejected Marriage may be more apropos. Sex, less than 10 times a year, in a shared bed and no intimate connection puts me into a realm I am unable to discuss with anyone, even therapists.

4 times...4 times

I question me, now....my heart , my body, my brain....often my sanity.

Crying in private has become coping.

I listen to others express how even in anger there is intimacy 

There is no anger...just apathy. just inconvenience.

Whispers at parties in my ear..." I hope he knows how lucky he is..., I wish my wife ( insert anything here)"...

heart broken. 

I am not weak, I am loving...

some days I wake thinking, " just accept it" 

I cannot correct this 

This is not for me to correct.

It is going to work itself out.

It will

For now, I just live and love.

I have a few bright spots in my life 

and I am trying not to lose them,

Or for them to walk away...

this is a test of patience and kindness, for me.

The need for conversation and thoughts outside my head is strong...

understanding and just conversation about everyday life would help my soul

patience

write ya later,

so

m

Pheromones ? ADD ? and Hot Tubs

2/14/19

MCA Denver Winter Opening (outside)

As I walked around the MCA I felt quite nice. It did not hurt that the UBER driver announced he wished he could walk us right up to the door because we looked gorgeous .

My vintage dress was staying put, not ripping or falling off and my heels were comfy( nothing makes for a worse night than uncomfortable shoes, no matter how great they look), and my huge 1940s wool and fur white cloak was show stopping (even missing a button).

We walked in and the first thing I noticed, was that a few men ,stepped to the side and did the arm wave and guided us into the building, smiling and with a little look. 

I thought, "odd". but it was nice. A beautiful 20 something girl stepped out of the elevator and came right up to me and said, "You look beautiful...your hair is amazing and that dress., saw you from up there !..that dress is perfect" ....

Hmmm feeling quite good...but I really just want to have a glass of beer , because you know...that's what fancy people do, and see the art.

We found our way from the photo booth to the bar then onward to the main gallery.

All I could think was 

1. I love this art and all of this

2. This is where every cool person should be with their Valentine.

3. YEAH  this is pretty fun

We looped around and the amount of well dressed pretty people was impressive, but honestly, I was not paying a whole lot of attention. I was concentrating on not spilling my beer and getting a little closer to the paintings I wanted to really see.

As I was shimmying between people to get up front to the one  special piece, I felt a touch on my back.

I didn't jump, or turn around to punch, because I was holding my beer and as stated I was trying not to spill, plus it was actually more of a slide across my back, very gently.

gave me a bit of a chill

I glanced around and a very good looking man was back a little bit and he smiled and nodded. 

I tried not to look confused and do the point and "me?" thing so I just smiled and nodded back and turned around.  I felt a little confused but then realized what someone had said to me recently. 

Let people acknowledge you. 

I wandered from piece to piece then found A, so that we could go get another cocktail ( and she wanted some pictures of herself by a few of the pieces of artwork because she was looking like a piece of art also)

Found the drink line and stood behind some adorable young ladies who were on date and so cute.  Gently touching each other and smiling, with a few giggles....so I leaned forward and said, "y'all look perfect tonight." and they smiled, giggled ....and we laughed about the drinks and the drink line. They really did look perfect and summed up what I would imagine was the perfect date night.

As I was waiting for A, I saw across the way the tall man, actually I kind of felt him before I saw him. 

He was just watching me. 

I couldn't figure out who he was with because he was with a group of beautiful women and men who were quite loud and moving from place to place without really looking at anything.

I turned to get my drink and pay, and when I turned back around he was behind me a few back in the line. He never spoke to me, he winked and gave a little smile again, raised his empty drink cup and gave a little shrug. 

Interesting, I don't think he was blind, or drunk, so he actually was checking me out.

I did not stay to see what would happen because I wanted to get to the other sections and I knew A wanted to get up to the dance party.

It felt nice, and if I had been there by myself I probably would have pursued that a bit more, except I still wasn't sure if he was there with anyone, because it was Valentine's Day. But I'll tell you what, that little hand slide across the back was a ballsy, and pretty hot.

A and I had a great night , there were many compliments from young women to A and me on our looks. And to think A was worried she was overdressed....I said there is no such thing. 

We danced and laughed, got A's pictures she wanted for Match (haha) and made it to the second Uber, where once again , the driver was quite charming.

( I would like to point out, A got one of their phone numbers and is going out Sunday)

Would I have like to have been there with a lover or someone who enjoyed my company?(  besides A, I love going out with her...but you know what I mean)

Of course...it would have been awesome...But art gallery openings aren't for everyone, and getting dressed up is not for everyone, but I think , yes it would have been quite sexy and amazing.

My night and interactions with people were perfect.

I was there to drink the beer and see the art...and be dressed up, 

check check and check

I did look nice.  

Is this what they would consider Pheromones working?

It might be .

Or is it just not caring? Letting go and being open.

It's interesting how my attitude is a bit different the past few weeks. You know, since my attitude adjustment.  I'm present but semi calm and open. 

Things have felt a bit different and it is a bit weird.

Besides the Gala,

 I went out with my neighbor to the local pub ;we had the same thing happen.

My friend is actually more of a chatter than I am and we were drinking Vodka Tonics at the bar, yapping about life and vacations, and I kept announcing to her " I have to be up at 4am...no more, plus you have to work too"

We weren't paying attention to much around us because we go there all the time and were much too busy gossiping and laughing. I looked like shit, but because it was my local I didn't care....It's Longmont, I had actually just thrown clothes on over my PJs. and put a hat on.

after D, had ordered about her 75th V/T  I said "That's it Young Lady I'm Paying and driving your drunk ass home!" As she was professing her love for me I glanced around and the 2 men sitting next to us were laughing.

The man directly to my right, called the bartender over... and held up his card and said, " I'm buying theirs and get them one more round, except she might want water ( he whispered ) pointing to me"

I laughed and said "No way mister, you can't pay for this, she just drank the Caspian Sea in Titos Vodka and ate dinner...too much, we got it...we are good, but thank you"

He looked at the bartender shook his head and handed over his fancy metal credit card and waved his hand for that extra round.

"Really, thank you"

He laughed and kept watching the game on the TV.

I announced to D, he paid for our bill and she said, " really? That's great !woop woop", then started to try to have a conversation with him

It was comical.

We talked about vacations and travel, and D was telling him about her trip she was heading out on to Mexico.

He was a bit older, maybe early to mid 50s and funny. 

He said he traveled a lot, had a private plane and a handler.  

"A HANDLER? WTF?" I was laughing so hard.

He nonchalantly said he had to travel for work all the time and because of his ADD he just can't get to where he needs to be correctly. He has often ended up in the airport bathroom panicking.

I could tell he was listening to D talk, but he was looking at me with everything he said.

I asked him what he does when he gets to where he is going.?

He said the handler is there and arranges the limos, food etc so he just shows up to where he needs to be and tries not to panic.

wow.

He asked about my travel.

We talked and as D was talking over us...

he leaned over and said ," can I give you my phone number,  or card? " 

I smiled and said I am currently with someone, and I am so flattered...

Jokingly I said, "Besides, I like to travel and you are not a good traveler"

He said "well you might not always be with someone and I would like you to take my number...or if you want to take a ride on a private plane, I live around the corner....also, I am a good traveler, if I have a handler"

he handed me his card 

I looked at it for a second, smiled and put it in my pocket....I patted him on the knee and said thank you again for the dinner  and drinks..."I have to get her home....she is demanding Hot Tub."

I looked at the card the next day and smiled.  

President of some international shipping company and consultant....

(with severe ADD which was not on the card but should have been)

I'm just going about my days, doing what I need to do to be a better me without someone stifling me and in return maybe I might be throwing off some pheromones.

maybe...

now is not the time

hahaha 

I have too much on my plate.

but I'm open to whatever comes my way as I work out this situation 

write ya later,

watch out for Pheromones

xo,

m

365 days : want you around

2/14/19

Just say it like you mean it ....

Xo, 

M

Simple Romance 101

Romance

I am a die hard romantic.

It is awful.

I don't require much

mostly just thought.

To know someone has thought about you is one of the most loving feelings I know of.

The special text.

The inside joke.

The little card

The note.

The secretly planned getaway

The "you aren't getting away that easy" show of want.

The Thought....

Something which meant they had to think outside of the box....for you.

Or more so, that they wanted to think outside the box to make you smile.

To me, effort will always trump money in the romance department.

Do not get me wrong, this girl loves thoughtful jewelry (as do most), suited to me..but it doesn't need to be pricey, just original and with some thought.

Anyone can buy a piece of jewelry,

but to know that someone likes a certain thing and hunt for it...

That romantic nugget is priceless.

So simple, yet so hard for many to think about another's wants and needs.

Romance....

Good luck if you participate on V-Day.

Remember, it's simple.

just think outside the box...

Write ya later,

xo,

m

365 days : first date

2/11/19

This young man drove 5 hours to take me on a real first date ... I was 3 years older and and in passing he heard I had never been asked out and picked up in a car and taken out.  So, the young gentleman that he was....he made it happen.

I still remember how nervous this young punk rock kid was when he asked. 

We had known each other for a few years because he hung out like a little brother in our circle of friends. 

Just a kid.

I couldn't say no, because he put so much effort into it and he really was a sweet heart.

Picked me up in his classic Caliente car that he had just had repainted....and if I remember correctly we got rear ended in Little 5 Points on the way to the movie.

He kept his cool.

I believe we saw a movie, had dinner, and he took me home, walked me to the door, and kissed me on the cheek.

I believe he was just 16 or 17 and I was 19 or 20....

I had moved many times, and we both went through many changes...

The other day when I was cleaning, I found a stack of postcards from throughout the years he had sent me.

Back before the internet etc...

postcards :)

A young man who wrote.

and was also very punk rock.

What a flipping gem.

well,

Today is his birthday.

47 

He has grown up, 

No, this is not the Dude.

We still adore each other. 

We talk almost everyday and we always joke we have the longest surviving 

long distance relationship ever.

I don't believe we had ever kissed or anything else...

Always a gentleman.

I'm grateful he is still in my life. 

This big badass man....

Happy Birthday, Travis

it's been about 30 years 

xox,

write ya later,

m

Learning to adjust a twatty attitude

I had a different topic I was going to write about tonight, but I have had a few things on my mind which I need to address for myself.

As of late I am trying to own my person.  It is not easy because my person, me, is a twat.

Part of this, owning me, is coming down to lots of change that is a bit uncomfortable and extremely difficult because I am not one to give up what little bit of control I have of my fraying self.

I have been attempting to own my mistakes and acknowledge faults which are being pointed out to me. I have told myself there is no excuse for my behavior regardless of my hurt and pain. The way I have started to work on this is by first telling myself that I have made it this far. I have to look at myself everyday and see the faults in the mirror, but those faults, those looks, the features, the glasses, the hair, the wrinkles, the unattractive hands, breasts, vagina, cellulite and feet are me.

No matter how many miles I run....they will still be there.

 I will still feel like the woman who was told she will never be loved like she wants, satisfied, or happy enough with anything....

That I am too much of a problem, too hard to love, even if the person wants to.

2/9/19

Knowing this is hard, hearing it is harder, living it is absolutely soul breaking.

I have so much to say about all of this....

At work the other day I got called to the office for a poor attitude.  

Imagine that. 

This has been on repeat for what seems like too long. The turning point was not when work boss told me to make a correction ( being clear to point out that the patients I care for have nothing but great things to say about me and the people I work around say my skills are among the top)

but it was when someone I love dearly told me I make others the bad guy, and always assume the worst. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew he was right because I felt so hurt, so embarrassed and just shitty.

shitty

I was thankful he called me out...and hurt me hard enough to make me think.

I can only move forward one day at a time and try to do better and to apologize. 

Learning to let go of control is going to be difficult for me. My work ethic is stronger than most and I get irritated when people do not do things as they should be done...

But this is not my position to correct people, my job is to work the way I work and be the person I hope will stand out.

I also cannot assume everyone is out to hurt me. I need to start letting people love me and trust that they actually care about me. 

Control is what has allowed me to survive a rough young adult life, a few traumas, divorce, single parenthood, loss, and my own hatred.

Letting go of control might allow my attitude to soften and to trust that someone will be there when I stumble, because of now, my answer to everything is , " I'll just do it myself. "

And that is not really what I want. 

I really do not

I want to be able to ask for help, as much as I help others.

To let someone lead me.

To learn not to demand, as I was taught as a young girl, but to allow it to happen.

My person is tired of taking care of everything and it needs a break.

That might be the first step to helping this twatty attitude change.

letting go.

why does it take so long to learn this shit?

Write ya later,

m

365 days: baby hands

2/8/19

Baby hands.   💙

People never believe I raised 2 of these,
until they hand me one

I may be a bitch but I'm not
heartless



picture you later,
xo,

m

365 days : V8

2/7/19

V8

Not many are privy to the why behind the ring .

Write ya later ,

xo,

m

365 days : no gloves

2/6/19

no gloves,

safety socks from work.

Don't ever sell me short

picture ya later,

xo 

m

The Bed

"in death, the bed is the very center of life"

~~~~~~Augusten Burroughs

The Bed.

To some: refuge, safety, revitalization.

To others a form of torture.

Profoundly enough, the bed is one of the most basic staples of life.

Through out life the bed holds the secrets of many things.  

As a teen my bed was a haven, a haven where my girlfriends and I talked, laughed, planned and  laid next to each other whispering about the day; secrets which were sworn to never leave the room. The bed was a fortress of safety and future endeavors.

Even at 19, I knew a bed was a necessity. A true sign of adulthood, regardless of how adult I felt, I was never above taking someone's used mattress as my own.  Nothing a new set of used sheets wouldn't fix. In my 20's in Atlanta I had an old hospital bed, which I adored. Metal frame, rickety, and I spray painted it white myself....covering up the history carried from the old Atlanta mental ward. Now, it would be considered "Shabby Chic" but then....it was not only amazing, but so perfectly me....it fit me, and me only. 

Scarves and old rosaries dangled from the metal headboard and footboard. The bed was mine. I found it , coveted it, and it brought me great nights of sleep.  

As I began to date, I was always amazed how many young men did not have a bed.  A mattress on the floor was often the case, and for me.... a no go. Bunk Beds?  OK, at least it is off the floor, But a couch? no.  

The Bed....

One needs a Bed

for fucking, learning, possibly sleeping, but mostly fucking.... 

A safety spot, a refuge, a personal womb.

As of date I have had many beds and bed frames, but have yet to acquire the safety my little metal bed, which was mine alone, brought me.

Sleep is not encouraged by my current bed, nor safety. I cannot figure it out.

My bed looks as if it should foster everything one needs to dream and rejuvenate the soul. 

expensive sheets, heated blankets, multiple pillows, light, darkness, comforters and even up and down controls.

but sleep doesn't come.

I recently met a person who swore by the bed they had.  

The Perfect Bed.

The Bed You Never Left

The Bed Which Allowed Sleep for Days.

A mystical unicorn of beds.

 When I finally was invited to look at this bed I became a believer of the respite a bed can bring.... even though I have yet to experience, as an adult, a bed as such.

This bed was soft, it was cozy, it was perfect size, it was warm, the pillows were soft and the bed purred the lucky recipient into a perfect REM dream sleep.

perfect size for one to two or three....

whatever the fancy.

music, darkness, and the perfect airflow.

Unicorn Bed

Through life:

We start in a tiny bed ....

everything we need and want, right outside baby reach

In our middle life the bed is where we connect, make love and find our hearts and dreams...

and as we lay dying:

the bed we are in becomes all we know.

It becomes our last connection to life.

people visit, memories pass, and eternal sleep ensues.

The Bed.

write ya later,

xo,

m

Life is like a knitted sock

I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today

2/4/19

This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.

It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.

Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.

The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer.  All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.

This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from. 

I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there.  Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....

but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready. 

Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...

and when it's time to knit another sock....

it may not be perfect, but it will be better. 

It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.

I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern.  This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.  

I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"

happy little mistakes.

( I think she got that from Bob Ross)

( from Etsy.com somewhere)

There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.

I destroyed them....

yup, my fault entirely...

Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.

As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore.  The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.

Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.

Really make it work.

It's only fair.

The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;

I can't be mad at myself.  No one is ever that great at something new.  It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.

Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.

and don't give up.

It's only a sock, a tiny part if your life.

write ya later,

xo, 

m

I really do love you

With a Little Help from My Friends

The Beatles

What would you think if i sang out of tune,
would you stand up and walk out on me?
lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
and i'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do i do when my love is away
(does it worry you to be alone?)
how do i feel by the end of the day,
(are you sad because you're on your own?)
No, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
i need somebody to love
could it be anybody
i want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight
yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time
what do you see when you turn out the light
i can't tell you but i know it's mine,
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
i just need someone to love
could it be anybody
i want somebody to love.
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.