randoms... 365 days

Time spent alone in a crowd always makes one think.  Mostly, for me, it's "why am I doing this, this would be better with a friend or two.... "

then I look down and see this:

Does it really mean someone is thinking about me, or trying to contact me?

Hmmmm I hope so.... we will discuss that in a minute.

I particularly like the fact it says 100% charged.

If you are wondering, I did a Cupids Undie Run.  It was fun, I raised about 600$ , so I am happy with that.   I signed up, because someone suggested it, and I thought "that does sound like fun, especially with you ...." 

I was pretty excited to get to do a fun activity with this person, something out of the norm where you kind of get to see how someone is in a different situation.

You can guess...

For whatever reason ,they were unable to attend , But  I stuck it out, even though I was nervous.

2/23/19

I put on my outfit, regardless of what I was worried about, and went. 

 Did I mingle?  

a bit, 

Did I drink? 

DUH

( it was free)

I talked to quite a few people, but no connections, except for some young guy named Patrick....we talked for about 30 minutes or so maybe longer, then I sent him on his way... even if he was cute....and it was actually good conversation, there were way too many young girls around.... I smartly said, " You are awesome, gotta run to the bathroom .... maybe I'll see you out there "

and left him to hit his age group...

( he did find me out side, ran up like we were old buddies, picked me up and swung me around and sat me back down" 

"I'm gonna be running right next to you! " 

( I got a head start and lost him the crowd)

 In my Undies....

Denver's Finest 

 Aww.  he's so nice to pose with me

Oh, then I pulled a classic Myssi, fell on a teeny tiny bit of snow.

Ya know...It was like the Universe reminding me that I'm old 

hahaha

It was a fairly good day.

I stayed at my most fabulous niece's house, in hopes of going out that night.

Unfortunately I was tired...and mopey, due to life stresses

I sat on the couch, dozing in and out thinking about life....

11:11

   is it dead people, or just people in general who are thinking of you?....because I have been thinking a lot about my dead mom, dead dog and my living brother.

the 2 who are dead have been visiting my dreams quite a bit.  It saddens me to no extent so I don't want to think about it.

The live one, my youngest brother , Jamie, has also been in my heart.  I have tried to text him and call him but to no real avail.  He answered once then got confused and said he had to go,

We were so close as kids ( he's 5 years older) but he has had is own demons to battle. 

he now has AIDS and multiple issues.  The dementia associated with the illness is not conducive to good conversation, so when I do get him on the phone it's depressing.

It gives me guilt.

I hope he knows I love him so very much, but I don't think he does.

 Don't judge

I want to have sex more often. 

A lot more...

but I really don't want it to be just random...

For me, it has to have some attachment and meaning,

better yet.... real sex, with emotion. The kind where you look in the other's eyes and smile on the inside thinking

"fuck yes"

Now a days people are so guarded with their emotions, I am not sure this can even happen.

Why is it we can't say to other's ...?

"I like you...

let's just see.

Let's see what we can learn and the good stuff we can experience."

I believe there is too much looking for perfect, not wanting to look like the low person, and not just thinking, " we are pretty awesome together.....let's do this...."

we need more thinking outside the box when it comes to attraction.

Why do people have to wait a reasonable amount of time befor talking to the other?

what does this prove?

Whenever I think about people waiting too long to respond or make the first move...I think, you are going to miss out.

How many times do we wait just to find out the person you want to see is seeing someone else, because you didn't call and make a plan.

Where is it going

Things are getting packed up around my house.  But I'm not sure where it is going.

Still, no voicing any concern or plans from the other half.

Actually the other day as he left the house he said, " I'm going to practice" 

and kissed me on the lips

strange.

we haven't kissed or even pecked in months.

Is this some sort of mind game?

Or did he forget.

It's like groundhog's day

Sleep

I believe me asking for a split has relieved an entire load off of my inner soul.

Not that I don't have something to take it's place...

But for some reason I have been sleeping.

I have been getting about 5 hours a night and lately I have been waking up and not wanting to get up

I want to sleep....

just 30 more minutes.

just 30 more....

The other night, after work, I crawled under the blanket before dinner.

I slept so hard and peacefully that when I woke, it was actually time to GO to bed.

dreams and peace....

and warmth.

Sleep, as such, is cathartic.

Thoughtfulness

what a great action.

incorporating it into my life in little ways.  I feel as if I have always been thoughtful, but the world can use more. People should hear how they are doing good things...

how they are valued.

how they are in one's mind and heart

even the people who just cross your path....

I sent a few gifts to people I have known for years via online...

a hand made bag I know one has admired and mentioned she would love to own, 

a knit hat....to another whom has asked occasionally for a hand knit, yet I have never had time.

a pin to a friend in San Diego...he collects and has admired a few of the ones I have.

a hand written card and note to another

A dinner casserole in the fridge for a friend who is so busy and cooking for self is a chore.

Maybe, in a way it is more for me, than for them.

I'm not sure

I was told to take care of myself

to stop thinking about others 

and focus on self.

I agree that I should put myself first occasionally,

and I'm learning.

It isn't easy, after all these years, to just stop caring for others in the way that I do.

Is it a bad thing?

maybe this is just me.

you know what would be cool?

Someone caring for me as such...

My niece said,

'You so deserve to be worshiped, you don't even know"

I think worship is a strong word...

I'd settle for a strong appreciation

write ya later

xo,

m