Empath's Rule

 To walk away or to stay? That is the question I have asked myself many times in my life. Not an easy question by any means, and not a question to take lightly. One random thing I think about is: 

Man, you really do travel this life alone.

The best one can hope for is that you cross paths with people who you can at least spend some enjoyable time with, before your time is over. 

Amen

My time recently has been eaten up by family responsibilities and maintaining the health and sanity of those within my small small circle.  I realize this is not uncommon, but yet, when do I take a minute to step outside my area and take a few breaths for myself....without guilt, fear or anger?  A work friend and I were discussing the counseling I was attending for my daughter, and a bit of the scares and heartbreaks  I have experienced with my two kids. How I never feel like a good parent if my kids have fallen into these holes of hurt and pain...but I fight like hell every day for them to see their beauty. I would not change a thing in my life right n ow except for them to be what we see in them and put the fear and judgements from the world behind them. I cry every time I speak of either one of them, not for sadness, but for my fear that they may never see how amazing life is.  

When are you going to get some counseling?

OMG, no shit.  I feel bad for the therapist I eventually sit with.  At this point I am working 2 jobs to cover life expenses and therapies for O, so that she can be safe and stay out of the hospital. Believe you me.......when I get a free day and an extra $150 I am IN.

When does the fun begin?

Honestly, everyday is a pretty good day.  All in all I really don't have much to complain about, just things to manage.  Am I sad some people have walked away? Very much so.  But they have their lives too.  I am not their inner circle....but I will almost always be there for them. I like to think that we all need separation  to move in the directions needed so that we can come back to each other stronger and with more love and knowledge.  I feel confident in my heart and head that the few people whom have turned away know that I love them dearly and will always and I will be right here for them if they ever need me, a hug, a dinner, a cocktail, a place to just sit and breathe.  I know that.

Love when you can love and never forget it

Yeah, that      Love and hugs are an amazing thing. Closeness and intimacy are secret worlds. No one will ever again make me feel guilty of how much, who, when or why I choose love and laughter. For each time and person I have chosen, or those who have loved me, I am grateful. Especially grateful for the loves who are still here, so that we can remind each other how special friendships are. how longterm unconditional love can not be trumped by petty ideas and life rules.  

An Empath's rule: My heart will always be open to you

As will my sense of humor, my brute honesty, and my abilities to love and piss off at the same time.

Now off to start this wonderful Sunday.

write ya later,

m

Holding on for Life

Broken Bells

Girl take a seat, rest your weary bones

Your secrets safe in my hands

Tell me about the years and

Let me buy an hour

Maybe help me to understand

Ooh ain't nobody callin'

Ain't nobody home

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Light another cigarette

Burning in the cold

Waiting on the street for your man

You're trying not to look so

Young and miserable

You gotta get your kicks while you can

In the lighted corner, sitting on your own

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Well you might belong to another time

Still you have to carry on here

No where else to go and you never know

What to hide and what to show, no

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

On This Harvest Moon .....I'm still in love with you

 Life is strange...

and beautiful

10/10/21

💙

I will keep this simple 

we waited a long time 

for this 

people may say otherwise,

but they did not see the love in his eyes

for me

for her

for us

and her happiness with a new chapter

and family who opened their arms

to her broken wings

and loved her.

just as he loves us

To the people I did not tell

there was a reason or 

reasons

fear,

selfishness

not wanting to answer the questions

To the people who knew

I thank you...

we thank you...

for your beautiful support through the last 2 years

and for all the 

love you have sent

There are still many people I love and hope to never lose in my life...

ever

you all know who you are 

and my love and friendship will forever be here

A new, beautiful, loving chapter is about to begin for us

And a time to begin to heal 

not just my heart but the 

hurt I carried with me

xo,

write ya later

m

Leah.....Infinity and beyond

Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  

Home....Old home....history home

I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 

not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 

I arrived...

no stress.

That was the last part of my 

"stress"

Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....

but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.

Not sugar coat anything for anyone 

because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 

We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.

Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.

but I was thankful for this time.

We ate...

and I welcomed that.

She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.

She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.

She had a dream

She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,

 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...

then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.

Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."

"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.

The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 

We are older and we may not have long to live.

Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.

I look to see if she has turned on her phone.

The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :

I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.

It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E

I

E

A

love you,

m

 

My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.

I choose not to go to the gym. 

I chose not to run...

I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:

Coffee

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

and

DIY pedicure and nails

and contemplation.

Mortality

in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again

I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to

UNDERSTAND

what Death means....

what Life means....

what Love means....

Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and

Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.

I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 

hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,

with my childhood bestie as she dies.

I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...

She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....

 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),

bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,

have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.

I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.

why am I called to these situations over and over 

there must be a reason?

right?

I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m

Earned it

 Just old   

it's a hard realization

lets finish this conversation soon

The Gym, Inner Peace, and Sleep

 I'm watching this silly show on Hulu called Shrill. 

There is a part of the show where they are camping, and she cant pee outside....so, he says

" How about if I pee here with you?"

it works, and if this isn't one of those weird silly things you do when falling in love, then what is it?

Watching people fall in love....well, it just melts me. I'm a sucker for love....

With that said ,

the Gym is slowing easing into my heart.   Not like ooey gooey love, but more like..."Ok, I'm feeling ya deadlifts....I'm ready for you box squats". Like easing into a love where you weren't super sure but it grows on you....and it's not bad.

I'm on week 3 and I'm learning a little bit... not only about what I can do, even when I don't want to....but a little bit about finding my quiet inner peace in which I fight with constantly. 

My mind never stops....it counts steps, bites, it solves math problems while driving, and then.....

out of the blue....it shuts down, usually while I  am driving home from work, and I start to doze. 

WHILE DRIVING...

I digress

the gym....I'm finding that once I get past the front door, with my workout instructions in hand my mind starts to calm.   

5 sets, 12 reps, 

brain says....you can do it...push... then check it off your list.

My mind says, Girl, you are strong, and every time you show up, you are a better person for your self.

Truth.

It's a bit of new found inner peace...

I have to slow down, I have to plan self care even though in my head, at the end of a 12 hour shift I say, " Im tired, I can't today...." Then I remember my promise to myself.

Start Do Finish

And with this new inner peace, I have found a bit of sleep. A tiny bite of respite.

This post is a bit of a nonsense post...

but hey...

Write ya later,

m

Mom Boobs..........

 For Fuck's Sake....

Seriously,

Remember when time took forever? You know...You are in middle school and summer can't get there soon enough. Christmas took forever to arrive.  Getting a driver's license seemed like it would never happen....

and getting old???.....

You would NEVER EVER EVER be 30, let alone 40, 50, or 60.

I remember walking into the living room, at about age 15, and announcing to my mom......

"My boobs are too high!...I hate it, Why can't they look like normal boobs?" 

(Normal boobs being Farrah Fawcett boobs, or any of the other young women I saw on the beach...but mostly Farrah Fawcett)

My mom took a sip of her Vodka, which was neatly disguised in a coffee cup, and said, "oh?...Well you just wait .... you wait until you are my age and you will be paying money to have them put back up under your neck....just wait"

I announced......

I'm never gonna be your age and if I am, I won't care about my boobs.

Guess what?????

I'm her age now and much to my dismay and chagrin...

my boobs are right where she said they would be.  All those times watching my mom get dressed in her fancy outfits, bending from the waist to adjust her mom boobs into her bra then adjust it again so that it sits nicely under her clothes....that's me...

same....

Mom boobs.

here's is an awesome video of a young mom and her fabulous mom boobs....

bless her heart 

@jessmariee7  Tiktok

sound on....

I adore her

that lil wiggle and laugh....

Well,

mom boobs....

hopefully they are hip amongst my age group....

but.

neither here nor there

we got em

xo 

write ya later

m

Think You Got It......

Self care, yup....I'm really horrible at it.  Actually I hate it.  As someone once told me, it is probably because I feel that I don't deserve it.  Which is pretty accurate.  With that said, I made an appointment with a private trainer....well 12 appointments.  I will inevitably have to show some accountability to myself for 12 times ....maybe at that point it will become a habit...bwahahahaha

OI showed up and he was waiting with bells on.  After a short interview of health history, work history , schedule, medications, basic knowledge....my heart finally settled down enough to pay attention. " Why the fuck am I so nervous?" I thought to myself.  He's here to make me healthier, stronger, and whatever else a 52 year old lady can accomplish.   We talked about my goals.  1. My ass is not fitting into my 25 year old jeans anymore.  2. I'd like to feel stronger.  3. Healthier.  4. Body fat lower.

"Great start", he said....."Let's go hop on the scale and the body fat evaluator".  

We had already discussed my scan from 2.5 years ago.  Body fat was around 22% which I would like to be below.  I step on  the scale thing.  Really how does this thing work?  How can it tell my body fat from me stepping on the scale then putting my arms out and thumbs on a button?   seems a bit iffy to me.

Whatever, I'll go with it.  it said I weighed 117# with 44% muscle and 29% body fat.

Dont even wat to know what the other 27% is...(beer? Anger? French bread?)

FATTY

I'm obese. which surprised me.  well not obese, but what we would call skinny fat at this point.

The Commander said, "It's perfectly doable, to get you down to under 21%....it will take longer than 6 weeks, but you can do it"

On that note...we started our pre workout evaluation.   

Deadlifts, planks, squats, pushups, barbell presses,  lunges  core, row machine, TRX and some crazy ab thing with the stability ball called " the triple threat".

By the end of the first session I decided Cody ( Commander) and I were no longer friends.

He commended me on my deadlift form so that was good.

Other than that 

I hate myself for having signed up AND PAID for 12 expensive private sessions.

Commander and I have another date for an hour session on Friday.

I'm 52

All the women at work, young and old get Botox and filler....

I refuse.

Facials and Lash extensions 

(this is what happens when the Dr you work for owns an aesthetics/plastic center connected to your surgery center.

DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS DISCOUNTS

I refuse.

I swear I will age ( duh) 

I'm not fighting it....

But I will keep my body and heart as healthy as possible.

I'm typing this as I drink a Vodka in bed.

So, Friday it is....

Workout #2

I'm pretty sure anger is not going to drive me to be more productive....

but you know what will?

Embarrassment 

Fear of Failure

Self Hatred 

there we have it

Self Care

Girl, Ya think ya got it?

Hey,Ya 

I might got it

Write ya later,

Your 29% luscious fatty girl,

M

Keeping Promises to Myself

 They, whoever they is, claim that selfcare is really important 

ya know....you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself.

So, with that said, me and my extra 10 pounds, YES 10 pounds !!! decided to seriously get back to something....anything...and I'm easily influenced....so when my run keeper decided I should train for a marathon I clicked "ok".

Not my smartest moment.

I'm on week 2 (just started)

today was a slow 2 mile run.

I chose the bike path which was infested with these weird mosquito, flying silverfish things.

Pretty sure I ate about 30.

Here is one I hacked up about 2 hours post run.

It was stuck to my Uvula.

I'm vegetarian, this is not a good breakfast for me.

yuk

This was part of my view.

Very lovely, but did not make the 2 miles anymore enjoyable

and here is how I gelt

SLOW

Will it ever come back?

I don't know.

But I do know I want to stay on track for a while with making a commitment to myself and keeping it.

Me first.

me me me

no excuses.

I'll keep ya posted

m

Pick That Guy

Here's something which made me giggle

I /we were putting away laundry...

you know the mundane crap task of folding and putting away.

Completing the task...which I despise 

When I heard from the other room...

"This is like a fucking dream come true....Never in my life did I think I would be putting away your underwear....Never...I fucking love this part of all of this"

If anyone ever announces this to you.... pick them.  

seriously 

Pick the person who loves you, your laundry, and your nasty ratty underwear.

xoxo,

just a small piece of wisdom,

m

Cuts Like a Knife

 Fucking Ikea and their death blade serrated knife

A knife that is worse than an old school switchblade....

or better yet....

like a goddamn  machete.

how many times have I cut myself with this knife, you ask?

at least 4 

and man, it will cut through your skin and fingernail like butter.

swoosh

silence....

I look....

so clean the slice....

not even any blood....

then the pain, the blood, the anger

FUCKINGIKEA!!!

Fucking Finger

fucking bagel....

fuckity fuck fuck

I'll survive

shit, I've survived so much this year...

the pinky is minor...

plus

it was

"just the tip"

and no one likes just the tip

write ya later

m

you are welcome

feel free to comment.  

make me feel better

Hey 3:10. Let’s Do This

 3:10 

I’ll sleep when I’m dead 

Been awake for about .... well a life time 

At least since 135 am

In that time I have perused the entire online Ikea catalog....

Thought out a new workout regimen which will undoubtedly change my life for the better...

Redecorated my bedroom, living room, and yard on Pinterest....

Learned how to macrame on YouTube....

And how to cut my own bangs, and give myself a mullet....which no one should ever do no matter how awesome the model makes it look.

I googled  “ how much sleep does a human need to survive average life” .... 

I learned, dying from sleep deprivation is rare ....

 well that’s good .

I’m not sure that fact is correct , but at this point I gotta go with the flow    If  for nothing else, at least for my self preservation, right.?

I used to have people from all over who I could text.... night owls.... 

night shifters .... 

other time zones .... 

but maybe.... 

possibly... 

they to, have died from lack of sleep 

I need a tiny light so that I can read at night.

I thought of going to the gym, but that just made me angry on the inside 

I thought of getting up and cleaning...

That had the same effect as gym 

Someone in one of my Nurse NYC groups commented it could be a little PTSD ( a little?.... is that a thing) 

I don’t feel stressed about COVID or me being a nurse or any of that so I’m not sure.... although I did stop sleeping after that..... 

but being a nurse was the least stressful thing in my life then and maybe now.  

Instead ..... I’m painting my toenails at 5am and drinking coffee and watching the sunrise again 

Life is good in its own way 

I hope you are sleeping well 

Write ya later

M

No explanation

 It’s been a week or 2.   I don’t know or care.   

Life goes on .   

 Thankfully,  it does.

Today I spoke to Ashton’s mom. She lost her child and I have stayed awake every night for almost 2 years reliving that morning and phone call and day and weeks after.   My child lived.   Hers died.   Later to realize my child actually died on that day too .... and has been living an interim.    It’s not like he hasn’t told us.  It’s  not like he hasn’t posted his hurt and feeling of death for over a year .... 

for the same amount of time ....

I have not slept.  I have left my heart and body and hoped for my own death .... over and over again 

I have been present and I know all the things I should do and be doing 

I work.  I care for people . I counsel. I express happiness for others achievements.   I love my lover and daughter ...

I do

But I’m dead to the world 

Sleeping 4 hours a night.   Waiting for the next call 

I’ll be ok.  I can’t control it.  It’s not my fault one is dead I can’t let another die 

My heart and mind hurt 

This fight is winning 

M