My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.

I choose not to go to the gym. 

I chose not to run...

I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:

Coffee

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

and

DIY pedicure and nails

and contemplation.

Mortality

in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again

I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to

UNDERSTAND

what Death means....

what Life means....

what Love means....

Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and

Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.

I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 

hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,

with my childhood bestie as she dies.

I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...

She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....

 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),

bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,

have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.

I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.

why am I called to these situations over and over 

there must be a reason?

right?

I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m