clarification about this Blog anything that appears real is not

I would like to clarify this blog.
This is my personal space to write creatively, occasionally write real life scenarios, update with some humor posts and above all, allow people I have never met to feel free to email me and say,
"hey, thanks, that helped" or "My gosh, I would have never done that!"

So now for the clarification.
When I started this blog over 10 years ago it was a place to post my pictures from Flikr.  "Life in 365"
Those were real posts.  That was actually pictures of my life.
These posts moved on to daily life little shorts: sewing, cooking, DIY and little kid funny stuff.
At that point I realized I had a bit of love for writing humor and making people laugh.  Much at my own expense.

So writing was what I did....It gave me a time and place to sit and pull things out and make stories which are relatable or stories which would have made for a better outcome.
This blog is a creative writing space. I use some truths, and blend them into small vignettes with a ton of creative license.  While getting my BSN I did take a writing class. It opened up a new writing style for me., or shall I say a different one.  we would write sharp, quick writings  based on things which touched our lives one way or another, then we learned to turn those into short stories people may want to read....and keep coming back to read to see what happens.  Similar to chapters in a book. Fictional Memoirs is a loose term we used

If you have been reading this blog for the entire time, and I have a few friends who have.. you would have seen the break in writing and then the changed style with a similar story background when I returned. "life, relationships, family".  I had moved from humor writing to a diary of life issues I felt people could relate to.  These vignettes (and why I am having to describe my writings to anyone,I'm not sure) came from pieces of funny or dramatic past adventures and changed around to spark interest. If you were part of my past you may see some similarities...I never use names in these writings because most are only true by a hair.

Now....If you are part of my everyday life....the people I drink beer with, the people I ride with the people I go bowling with...the people IN MY REAL IMMEDIATE LIFE... you will know when it is a real post.  I will give you some hints.  It will NOT reference to a time long ago. It will usually have a real picture of present day me, such as: in running clothes, drinking a smoothie, smiling.  Or it will start by saying TODAY:  blah blah.....not "let me tell you a story, or a memory".

The writings that are heartbroken may have a reference to a certain time or feeling....but a feeling is not always a thing that people need to agree on.  These posts from "pasts" are juiced up writings so that people who read them can relate and feel better about their current situation, sometimes that goes for me too. Writing about family has always been a slippery slope, because they can see similarities and get upset that I write about it. "you are spreading lies" , "that is not how it happened"
Of course it is not how it happened.
 Do you really think my parents were swingers? Do you really think my mom could predict the future on her deathbed?  I was not even there when my mom passed, so if you know me...You would know this was a story....a story that is interesting and I wrote it.

This goes for relationships and past loves...If you are pissed or moved by one of my posts and it bothered you, that is unfortunate. If you are a past relationship of mine from many years ago, you better not be offended because when you leave, I write...and why are you here anyways ?   I definitely use creative license on those because the realities are too painful. If you were a fond memory you will be named or initialed and you will know.

This is not about your story, unless I personally name you, by name, in the writing....this is not about you. (disclaimer: there is one person I occasionally write about, and my kids, and they know when it is them....but I do not use names and occasionally those have been found to be too much and have been removed)

This is my space, I am grateful if it moves you in one way or another....but do not take anything on this blog too seriously UNLESS you are able to know the situation present day and are a close friend, as stated earlier, you will know the truth from fiction.
My writing brings my clarity and inner laughter and helps with some inner peace and sadness and I have removed many of the writings into draft mode ....I will pick and choose the ones to put back, but I am not going to stop writing....even if you don't like it.  it is like the TV...turn it off.

xo
write ya later
this is a fictional space....
do not be so touchy
m




PS.
remember, its not always about you.
PSS.
it's about me.  and my writing.

faults become reality and the inability to ever be loved

"Either way, one of us will end up getting hurt."
I guess I just hoped it wasn't like this, and this hurtful.

When you fall in love with someone, the words they say can be like acid. Painful enough to take a step back and say....they are right....now what.  ?
You walk away and don't look back....
or you fight for what you want....

When more than one person points out a fault, it becomes a reality. I guess this is a good thing, because it gives me time to sit and dwell on it, to attempt to correct and and try to understand where it comes from, and how I am going to stop it.....

My entire life I was encouraged to be who I am, don't take shit, stick up for yourself, and have your own back. I grew up the youngest of a blended family of 13 so when a sibling was mean to you, there wasn't much opportunity to go run to Mom and Dad, because they assumed at some point you would take care of it amongst yourselves. Live and learn, kid.Next time you will pay attention.

me, and 2 brothers, Man, I loved them so.

My brothers were rough, just like all brothers.  They practiced boxing with/on me, they had me climb trees so high I could not get down....they stole my hard earned babysitting money...but yet, they were also always there when I needed them.  No one beat up their little sister, except them.... They came to my rescue many times and kept a loving eye on me through middle school and high school. But with that loving eye, they also taught me to fight and aside as it sounds, were the first men I loved and respected....They taught me how to handle situations when they were tough and how to voice your opinion. They were my first introduction to how relationship dynamics worked.

My mom encouraged indépendance and individuality. Her answer to everything with me was, "you are smart, you will figure it out." Not much guidance.  Actually, when I think about it...I think about how I always tell my kids, "You can always come home if you ever need to, so go live, learn, love hard".....my mom never said that, ever, come to think of it. There was no safety net....so strong independence was a necessity.

I lived large, had fun, and remained fairly responsible for a partying 20 something.  I moved to Colorado and bought my first house at age 25 with money I made milking goats and waiting tables. I worked my ass off.  On this ride, I brought along a man whom I loved dearly, trusted, and shared an amazing fun life with.  I , yes  alone....made the hard earned money which bought the house we moved into because he was not as responsible. We lived the normal fun 20 something life, had a kid, snowboarded, and just lived and loved.

Then he left....

and all Hell broke loose.
 It was the first time I had ever been blindsided as such.  Not only did he leave me and our 2 year old,...he had second and third mortgaged the house I worked so hard for and redid his new girlfriend's house with the money.  There was more....but the worst part, I had no idea that he was doing all this. He told me he was traveling, snowboarding, working ....I thought we were in love.

I swore at that time, never again. NEVER AGAIN WOULD I LET THAT HAPPEN.

I honestly believe this is when my mistrust started.This was my first piece of baggage I began to drag from relationship to relationship. My inability to distinguish truth and falsity. I remember the lawyer saying to me, "How did you not know he was funneling ALL of your money, savings and equity into another account? You owe so much there is no way you will be able to stay in the house."  I don't know....because I trusted him.  He told me he was taking care of everything. He said he loved me....I deposited all of my money into an account he had access to, because that is what people in relationships do.
I believed him.

This man was going to let his child and girlfriend of 9 years be pushed out onto the literal street, sell my house to pay the debt, all the while he moved in with his girlfriend. My heart was broken, my trust was broken ,and there I was....left to figure out food stamps, medicaid , housing,  and childcare.... at 27 years old.

But, as my mom said, "you are strong, you will be ok." and I was.  I had great friends. I had my kid and I had my friends.....and occasionally I had more bad decisions.   But I don't think I would change anything in hindsight.

What I would change is my new way that I trusted and interacted.

Now this is where my story of then, ends, but today's begins.

I need the person who loves me next, if there is such a thing, to be strong and understanding. To be able to put me in my place in a stern and gentle manner but also reassure me, I'm ok....we are ok. I realize I am a handful, even at my age, but I am generous, loving, caring, fun and will be there for you. I love hard and true, but I do fill in the blanks, because for so many times and years the blanks were left as is....and then I was hurt....because I didn't even think to address the blanks or cracks.  Is every relationship the same? God, I hope not....but I need someone to tell me that, gently. 

I definitely know I don't need to sell myself, because although I have my issues, I am willing to work on it. I am working on being more open and more trusting ....hoping to have the ability to be....just be. 

So many fun good things I have in my basket....

I kiss pretty good....

and I'm an ok travel partner.....

I bring snacks.

write ya later,

xo

m

Waiting all that time

"I remember everything about you;

I was waiting all that time for you to love me"

                ~~~~~Rules of Magic

He has been the light at the end of my tunnel. 

As with anything, I try not to be too pessimistic or optimistic, regardless of how much my heart and head disagree. 

That damn tunnel is super long, so sometimes the light is dim, but it always seems to come back around when I need it.

In the past, this feeling has come and gone like summer breezes.  Nothing to really think about or dwell on.  Always some old friend in the background, checking in, checking status and inviting me just to get away and regroup. I keep them all at a good arm's length away. Always friendly and I do love them dearly, many I have known for years but to check out of here, and go there, would not do anyone any justice.  I think they realize that.  It does not keep the few that I have known for 20+ years from checking in....and asking. I do appreciate it. And maybe if situations were different right now I would accept. 

I have never been one to reminisce about past or missed loves. I am more the person who looks towards the future and ones who have not yet crossed my path. 

I believe because I have always been a guy's girl....I come back around as a missed opportunity for many men. I had an old High School friend send me a text not too long ago. He was a big jock, I was a punk rock skater girl, but we were always together in honors classes and had just gone to school together forever due to small town. Just as now, I was always pretty open minded to friends and didn't really mind if they were completely opposite of me. In my mind I was just me, and I knew most guys were never going to take interest in me.  Red Hair , not the pretty kind, freckles, glasses, goofy and no makeup.  I just bopped around, helping friends pick prom outfits and date clothes....and I stayed home and sometimes wished my "Ducky" (pretty in pink) would rescue me.  Even the punk rock boys were not interested....I was a buddy, a cute little sister type buddy. 

Anyways, this guy texted me and said, " you were always so great, just there laughing, smart and always so kind. At one point I wanted to ask you out but I thought you would say no, because I was a jock.  And when you got nominated for Homecoming Queen as a joke, man you took that so great and played it up.....I actually hoped I made homecoming King, just so we could go out and have fun." 

I thought , wow...35 years later....he is still thinking about that.  that is sweet....and maybe odd.  This guy is a lawyer now, quite wealthy and has an amazing life and family.  But there I am, part of his history.  **I did not make homecoming queen.  They negated my entry, due to quote" I would not be a good representative of the high school" from the principal. I survived....but was not asked to homecoming.  I ended up dressing as a German Boy on the German float because I was the only who fit into the lederhosen and did not have plans.

Story of my life.

Never went to prom, or any dance....was never asked.....in the 80's you did not take yourself.

So, when I love someone, I love hard.  Probably too hard. Maybe that is what they remember.  Even if I hate them after the split I still love them because they touched my soul....or else I would not have been with them.  period.

I never was much of a dater. When I met someone I was attracted to, that was it.

Now, I am older.  I am not really into games and pretending. I want people to say what they mean and not miss out. I am often guilty of saying exactly what I mean and feel, and maybe that is too much.  But I think people need to know... to know that they are sexy, they are worthy, smart....wanted.

I am not sure it is so appreciated, still.

The games are still strong.

This friend, my friend, has touched my person.  Did he come at a weird time, wrong time, or right time.  I'm not sure....but he has been in my periphery for a few years now. I cannot speak for him or his feelings except for what he respectably says to me. He is guarded with me and I believe it is because I am not that girl to him. I have watched him from the sidelines date, be in relationships and break up with women....but he never really says anything to me. Occasionally, " now you don't need to know this stuff." 

He is correct. I don't . 

But I want to know him. He is guarded towards me and I'm not sure if he is that way with everyone or it is me. But I don't want him to be.  

We converse mostly through text which is not always the best for either one.  But at least for him it keeps me at bay.

He is actively dating, and I am slow in my situation 

When we see each other I feel a sense of relief, and comfort.

To me, we fit perfectly, or too perfectly.

I fold into him with ease.

his kiss and breath are perfect...

I feel his heat. His quiet heat.

What does he feel from me? 

something or nothing?

I guess I really don't know, all I know is that I am wanting to stand next to him...

feel him, and know him...

have time to just see, to laugh and just be.

to just see...

if this is what I think it is

I fear that I am that woman.... the one he wants to push to the side, but not hurt. 

To fuck , but not love.

the games are on pointe 

so easy for him, so hard for me.

I am right here,

waiting .

all this time

xo 

write ya later,

m

learnt and burnt

Bittersweet
~~~~ the emotion that joins joy and sadness

"girl, you gonna get your sweet lil ass learnt and burnt, actin the fool"

#truth

An old friend used to sit me down and give me that little above piece of advice...., well not really, he would actually yell it across the Bar I worked in Atlanta with a waggle of his big finger......whenever I was trusting my heart before my head.
"girl baby, why you do this to yourself? You got too many feels to be out there passin your heart around....when you gonna learn?"

I thought about that the other day.
Apparently I am not.
As I slowly saunter through my current situation my heart swells with so much emotion I can't ever contain it.  I sat with piece of paper, writing
good vs bad....
benefits vs dumb....
heart vs reality.....
There is no easy way out, except to not do anything ,and that in return is a death sentence on my heart and soul. Which the more I talk about it, write it out, and think.....I'm not willing to sacrifice.
I call my sister and discuss the benefits and the risks and her answers are always the same
" M, you are figuring it out, I am listening to you do this on your own, it's taking more time than the average person....but honestly, it is because you care to much"
My other Sissy says to me," you have put up with way more than any average person would have....you know it is time....Just make sure this is what you want and that you will be ok with the outcome. I am not worried about your survival skills, you are a survivor of shit situations, you will be fine."

These women are correct.
I do not want to hurt him....or his masculinity. I want him to be able to continue to do what he loves, and I want to see him be happy.
Do I want to see him leave me and immediately meet a 27 year old and make 100K a year, no.
But that is not very nice of me to think that.

because it is my birthday week I cannot start a discussion.
but I can lay it out for myself.

I used to look into the future and see us sitting on the beach in our little chairs, enjoying life, riding motorcycles, laughing about good times, and living simple. I do not see that anymore. When I think of that, I get frustrated and think about how sad it would be to spend my fun years with someone who cannot see the sunshine through the rain.
I cannot do it.

Now, I think about myself, and O, in a small apartment. getting by and making do.
I want to make sure O is on a good path, and in one way, she needs to see people together who love each other.
I'm ok with having to work extra to get by and take care of O, although it would be nice to just move to Denver and live in a studio and just be.

I am also ok with not being with anyone again.

This was a question my sissy brought up.
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life single?, because 50 is not really the age men are looking for."
Yes.  If I can be me, and just do my thing, I guess so.
It's ok. I know, and although my initial thought is that I am so full of love, it will be a bummer...But I'll be fine.
I did not want to go to my grave without passionately kissing anyone ever again or having someone touch me , really touch me....
but I took care of that.
so, I guess...I'm good.
bittersweet

So, for my birthday
I have made a decision.

and yes , I am sorry for anyone reading this malarky....but it is what it is

write ya later,
xo,
m

Kindness .....the simple answer

Some times things are just that....

"Simple"

As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.

Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...

but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)

Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way.  Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."

Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.

So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.

PERFECT SENSE

Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....

The Secret to Love is Just Kindness

link here to article

seems legit

As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.  

YES!!!!

how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....

JUST BE KIND.

BE KIND

So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.

You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.

here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that

The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.   

Turn towards or away

acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.

I have been guilty of this.

I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.

"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".

It was my answer to everything.

Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.

I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.

This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.

I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone.  I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.

18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.

Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"

I never think

"he loves me"

can you see the problem here?

Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back.  There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.

That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.

be kind.

love hard

listen 

touch

and 

don't wait to tell someone their good things 

and be understanding that your bad things....

they can be fixed 

I believe in you

and me

just listen.... so far from ok...........

little changes, let us make.

xo,

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

Ouch

Says it’s lost, whatever the case ....

 he’s not wearing it . 

I gently removed mine and placed it in the little China dish.

The littlest actions often hurt the most 

Older Should be Better....Right?

I know some of you follow me on IG.  

I'm just a friend of many.  I try to say it like it is, which is often pretty realistic (such as the fact I took a selfie with no makeup, in my dirty 1970's kitchen) Lord knows I am never gonna be an influencer like that!!!  That shit is real and when you work full time, try to stay healthy, have a teenager (OMG that shit will kill you), and bizarre family dynamics you just do what you do to get through the hour, the day, the month , and the year....and pray it doesn't go too fast that you miss out.

I wanna talk about Older, Smarter, Better....

me .....older and still mastering the other 2.

I'll be 50 in a few weeks and I am starting, finally, to get it....to just plain old understand how the stuff I tended to worry about, really doesn't matter.  I think of all the times my mom said to me as a teen, "Stop being such a drama queen, that shit won't matter by next week!" 

She was so correct (as usual).

I can officially say I am older now.  I like it.  It doesn't bother me too much.  

I feel wiser, because I am wiser. 

This does NOT mean I don't struggle everyday with getting up and taking care of myself in a way which will keep me moving into the next 10 years.  

If there is one thing I want to say to you....it's not too late to start taking care of yourself.

If you are overweight, go get a physical and start slow. You don't need to join a gym (unless you want to)....just go walk. listen to a book or podcast and walk. Cut out Sodas and add in water. It's these little things which can keep you off medications and feeling better. 

you do no one any favors if you are not healthy or taking care of your skin suit.

Lift some weights.  You need to strengthen your muscles and your core.  

You are going to need it for balance, believe it or not. 

Hell, I fell UP the stairs at work the other day and I can guarantee if I was not as strong/healthy as I am right now I would have broken my leg, hip , or even worse cracked my head.   But I caught my dumbass , cracking my shin, and spilling my coffee...20 pounds heavier, it would not have been good.

Smarter?

I'm not sure.  My best advice...keep reading, listen to one book, read one book and keep a list on a site like GoodReads.  It's nice to know that you accomplish things even if you don't remember what the hell you have read or done.

I have Alzheimer's in my family .... so I try to keep my brain moving.  I try new things and I don't buy into that bullshit that I can't change, or I am too old.

With that said ....last year, or so, I did try an aerial ribbon dance class and that was the first time that I thought,

"For fuck's sake , Myssi, you are too old for this ribbon hanging stuff"

But I completed the class, and was horrible, but laughed a lot and got kudos for being the oldest in the class.

Better?

This is easy.... 

We know more now, so do better.  Maybe Oprah said that or something ...But she is damn right.  There is no excuse as a grown adult to be a dick.

People need kindness and empathy, so now that you are moving up Maslow's Heirarchy 

be kind, be better....reach that Nirvana.

It's pretty simple.   

Volunteer , offer a nice word, tell someone they are beautiful, encourage a person to move up and forward....

just do good things....you will feel better.  

Even if you get nothing back, because honestly, as an adult what do you really need?, you get those amazing Karma points that most of us blew through in our shitty 20's.

I'm no guru.  My life , if you read my posts ,has been a circle of weird times, confused love, horrible body image, bad hair, and one time I even tried to wax my own hooha....

But I can honestly say I am smarter now....better.....and I will never ever try to wax myself again.

That shit is for the pros.

now go out for a walk and do good things

write ya later

xo

m