pilgrimage....Manitou Incline

I was all ready winded walking from the lot to the base. 

 I'm pretty sure most people won't admit that but I am into telling the truth.

I read the sign....

stood at the bottom and said, " I know you probably can do it...."

I honestly thought...

I cannot do that.

but I came this far,

 I might as well start.

The people who walked up with me took a selfie with their significant other and wished me luck...

"thanks" 

I looked down at my shoes and up the zipper along the mountain front.

I'm gonna walk up that....to the top....

yup 

let's go

the view from the base

"it's not a race....it's a pilgrimage"

I started right here and pushed the negative thoughts to the side.

3000 railroad ties....

as I started up and lost my breath I told myself to concentrate on the steps....

step...

step...

think about being present with your self and stepping. 

and that is exactly what I did.

as I stepped, I greeted others and others greeted and encouraged me.

we sat together and rested.

we shared snacks

we wished one a happy birthday

I spoke to one about concentrating on the task at hand and it's ok to be scared....

we stepped together for a bit....

while alone, I thought about what had been bothering me this week...

why am I the woman everyone loves and comes back to, but yet no one want to take me out.

ever since I was in my late teens to twenties I was the woman men wanted to call at 11pm, but did to want to take the time to get dressed and be together during the day. 

( I was never one to be easy or put out...so it was a moot point)

but it still happens.

it brings back thoughts of not being enough.

I continued to step

step

step

I am not here to figure out if it is them.

wondering if it is predatory ....

knowing when someone is weak

or is it attraction

or is it really just human nature?

the view from the top, my mind fairly clear and pleased with my legs for taking me to the top.

I started my walk down the back side which was a slow descent which gave me plenty of time to think.

the world is beautiful and I am lucky.

My relationship /relationships are a small part of me, and what I am about.

Not many have taken the time to get to know these things about me.

or experience them with me....

to stand and smile at this...

to kiss in the sunlight and be encouraging to each other and the people who cross our paths

to wonder together and learn history...

together....

because we are choosing to share time together.

to not live separate, yet demand allegiance out of spite.

together....

friends , lovers , companions.

I have them all and have been thankful for the ones who are here, and some even overstepping boundaries and codes to stand next to me when I am having self doubt...

 and to also join me when I choose them to experience great things.

just have fun .... be present

my homework was to accept the loneliness, stress, and fear and let it set in.

To experience it ....and how it will be ok in the end.

and it almost always is

write ya later,

xo

m

next post :

the men who return, the one or so I wish would step up, and the few I have to set boundaries because of timing and status.

learnt and burnt

Bittersweet
~~~~ the emotion that joins joy and sadness

"girl, you gonna get your sweet lil ass learnt and burnt, actin the fool"

#truth

An old friend used to sit me down and give me that little above piece of advice...., well not really, he would actually yell it across the Bar I worked in Atlanta with a waggle of his big finger......whenever I was trusting my heart before my head.
"girl baby, why you do this to yourself? You got too many feels to be out there passin your heart around....when you gonna learn?"

I thought about that the other day.
Apparently I am not.
As I slowly saunter through my current situation my heart swells with so much emotion I can't ever contain it.  I sat with piece of paper, writing
good vs bad....
benefits vs dumb....
heart vs reality.....
There is no easy way out, except to not do anything ,and that in return is a death sentence on my heart and soul. Which the more I talk about it, write it out, and think.....I'm not willing to sacrifice.
I call my sister and discuss the benefits and the risks and her answers are always the same
" M, you are figuring it out, I am listening to you do this on your own, it's taking more time than the average person....but honestly, it is because you care to much"
My other Sissy says to me," you have put up with way more than any average person would have....you know it is time....Just make sure this is what you want and that you will be ok with the outcome. I am not worried about your survival skills, you are a survivor of shit situations, you will be fine."

These women are correct.
I do not want to hurt him....or his masculinity. I want him to be able to continue to do what he loves, and I want to see him be happy.
Do I want to see him leave me and immediately meet a 27 year old and make 100K a year, no.
But that is not very nice of me to think that.

because it is my birthday week I cannot start a discussion.
but I can lay it out for myself.

I used to look into the future and see us sitting on the beach in our little chairs, enjoying life, riding motorcycles, laughing about good times, and living simple. I do not see that anymore. When I think of that, I get frustrated and think about how sad it would be to spend my fun years with someone who cannot see the sunshine through the rain.
I cannot do it.

Now, I think about myself, and O, in a small apartment. getting by and making do.
I want to make sure O is on a good path, and in one way, she needs to see people together who love each other.
I'm ok with having to work extra to get by and take care of O, although it would be nice to just move to Denver and live in a studio and just be.

I am also ok with not being with anyone again.

This was a question my sissy brought up.
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life single?, because 50 is not really the age men are looking for."
Yes.  If I can be me, and just do my thing, I guess so.
It's ok. I know, and although my initial thought is that I am so full of love, it will be a bummer...But I'll be fine.
I did not want to go to my grave without passionately kissing anyone ever again or having someone touch me , really touch me....
but I took care of that.
so, I guess...I'm good.
bittersweet

So, for my birthday
I have made a decision.

and yes , I am sorry for anyone reading this malarky....but it is what it is

write ya later,
xo,
m