Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

Send Friend Now

Spent some me time today.  

Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....

while I still can.

Went to the gym this morning at 545 am.  Goddamn I hate that place

I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.

I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....

I kind of walk around in circles waiting.

It's ridiculous.

Got it over with and got the heck out.

Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.

I did a quick 8.12 miles. 

happy with that.

and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.

Here's what I am contemplating.

where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?

You may think I'm being funny...

but I'm being serious.

After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.

I have had some work friends and some so so friends 

but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy

I don't want a replacement, but  maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends

I take that back...

I have Scooter....

but he moved away.

It will be just fine.

I got things to do.

Life to live

I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.

yup...

the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.

it's old

but I like it

if you know of a new friend for me

let me know

thanks

m

 I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul

Time is ticking by

I'm chatting with this bottle of wine

I know that I'm not perfect

I'll admit that I'm a fool

Everytime I'm lost

I'm always finding my way back to you, the one

I need when I'm awake

Take me home

I wanna go

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.

I can see what he was thinking

It's so easy if you try

Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love

Is worth the pain

Then to hear her cry your name

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

And I can't go on, I can't live like this

And we can't get back the time we've wasted

No I can't go on, I can't live like this

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

It's not that bad...is it?

 It's Rough

It's never that bad.

It's never as bad as we initially think. Just are required to push through.  Last week I made a texting error that I imagine we have all made at some point.  I texted to a group text when I should have been texting a private friend. 

Yeah

it sucked, but not as bad as it could have.  I only stated that a person was clueless as to her new puppy. 

Said person immediately texted me privately and said to keep her business out of group text and she now knows where she stands with me.  

I totally got it.  It hurt her(duh). I apologized, I called, I explained, but honestly, that really wasn't enough and I understand that.  This person is young and still quite self centered and they didn't need me talking about their life.  

I was in the wrong.

 If I hadn't cared I wouldn't have even responded, but I do care about this person. I regret my actions but once trust is lost there is noisy way fix to that, so I need to focus my energy elsewhere.  The only thing I can do is stay out of the way and be careful not to express my feelings too loudly.

And that is it.

when you do wrong you can only apologize so many times then you have to move on.  

This is not the first time in my 50+ years I have made a mistake, or said some negative things, or even thrown a joke out with a bit too much sarcasm, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But I do try to be aware and I have been trying to be more sensitive.

My upbringing of being the youngest of 12 siblings conditioned me to be spicy.  Eight older brothers didn't leave me with room to be soft or unable to defend myself. When I think about what my problems are I often refer to what I learned last year.  I can't ask myself what is wrong with me ( I KNOW what is wrong) but the bigger picture is " What happened to me".  These things formed the me I am today. 

• youngest of a large family
• alcoholic parents
• father with Alzheimers 
• rape
• death of 2 brothers and father within a few years
• death of mother
• unfaithful partners
• divorce
• experiencing an OD of a child
• suicide attempt by child
• illness in family
• Covid
• PTSD
• untimely death of sissy

None of these are an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviors....but they are a reason for some, for the mistrust and negative attitude I sometimes carry with me, and definitely for my cynicism.  Every day I learn new things and try to make the effort to be and do better, but I'll be honest, sometimes I slip back to my protected self and throw the walls of mistrust and spice back up.  One would think that after 40 some years I would catch myself before it happened.

As I write this, my heart suffers to know that I am not a great person all the time. I'm guessing no one really is. I do know that I care. If I can I will sit by you and hold your hand in a crisis. I will sit at your deathbed if requested. I will be there in any way that I can if you ask....and I do not tend to hold a grudge. Life is too short for that.

I understand if you are busy, or if you have been busy for 7 years....I'll most likely still be here if you need me or want to talk. I'll pick up that conversation right where we left off.  I understand if you can't show up, even if you said you would be there....You know why?  Because life happens, family happens and usually that stuff is way more important than a meeting at the local bar.

Life happens.

So, It's not that bad, is it? Work is tough right now. Figuring out my place in an environment where I am slightly appreciated but not enough to monetarily compensate me. Realizing that maybe I can't always stay somewhere just because I like most of the people. I, too, need to live and pay my bills and move forward in a direction that fills my needs and not just continue doing something because it's there,  it's expected and it's easy. 

Also, when work becomes a bit too dramatic for me, I tend to move on. My free time is more important than bringing the dread of work home with me, or to even spend any of my private time thinking about work.

That's where I am right now.

A few good things

• friend is coming to visit
• off social media this month
• been reading
• painting
• working out
• job interviews
• re-eval after loss of sissy

It's time to re-evaluate this time period and make a new "list of to do's"

Write ya later,

m

Daydreamer

aurora

Daydreamer

Play "Daydreamer"  on Amazon Music Unlimited (ad)

White, silicon eyes, watching storms, sitting quiet

Reading books in the heat of city lights

Bored, everyone's bored

When I'm restless, put me under the night life stars

And I will feel grounded

 

I know I'm just a girl

But can I change lives?

If I am nothing, if I am trying, I think I can

I step on broken glass, and dream of soft clouds

When feelings are heavy they become all we are

 

And we become night time dreamers

And street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

The quiet lust belongs to all of us

And drives us closer into the madness

Of the world, of a gun

(And it suits me just fine)

'Cause everyone dies, and nobody loves

And somebody dies right now

I hear the quiet, sweet music that no one sings

 

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers and small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

And we become night time dreamers

Street walkers, small talkers

When we should be daydreamers

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

In real life

 

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

All I ever know is what I dream about when I'm sober

Never turn away from love

Before the love you have is over

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

Nothing can die while we are here

 

Then we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers and small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And moonwalkers and dream talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

And we become night time dreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

Street walkers, small talkers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

 

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while we are here)

When we should be daydreamers

(Nothing can die while, nothing can die)

Daydreamers

https://lyricstranslate.com/en/aurora-daydreamer-lyrics.html

I thought I was tough

 Come to find out ...

not so much.

as I lay here in my bed with Covid, 

sicker than I have been in years and years, 

I realized 

Sissy was my secret power.

She must have given me the idea that I could do anything.

We were planning on moving to Costa Rica

but

the more I think about it the more I think I was fucking nuts.

Maybe I had visions of grandeur?

I'm traveling there again this year and I'll sit and relax and think again.

I'll sprinkler her ashes and ask,

"is it supposed to be or no?"

and then I will decide.

In the past two years when the overseas travel was not a thing 

we did some traveling in our very own country.

Novel

Maybe my calling is mid Kansas?

Maybe Alabama?

Maybe Arkansas?

Not really sure.

As far as being sick right now.

This is day 4 and I am sick

first 2 days were non moving, sleeping all day with temps of 103+, aches, GI upset, sore throat

day 4 

I'm sitting up.

but still running low grade temps 

It's no joke 

This is my hot girl Summer with Olive so I have to get well

I have to be ready to paddle, ride, hike, eat and travel

so send good vibes

xo

m

Sage That Shit

 Or at least Fabuloso it.

I woke up this morning and said,

 "up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here. 

You have an amazing family that needs you,

Let's perk up and 

Live"

so....

up I am,

cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.

I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.

It's my absolute favorite time of year, 

Spring

new beginnings....

and I am going to cherish it

I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.

Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around

I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.

Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,

yet I still think about them.

stupid empath qualities.

We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends

and then

one of the couple got Covid

I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....

but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.

I'm clearing my list day by day.

Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.

As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso

I am starting to feel better.

I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss

I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think

I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)

I wish people would stop by a bit more 

and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new

new. 

that's where we are right now today

starting this little journey new

xo

write ya later 

m

and yes,

new days 

new experiences

new feelings and

it's going to be ok

more postitive vibes

m

Just breathe

I'll miss you

I mean I do miss you 

already

meet you on the other side

 

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

The ones I love,

Some folks just have one,

Yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win, aw-huh,

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt her, there's so much in this world

To make me believe.

Stay with me,

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, aw-huh,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, aw huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Or if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take,

Everything you gave.

Love you till I die,

Meet you on the other side.

xo

m

Have I become the Grim Reaper?...

 Or maybe that little cloud that follows people around?

days have been long,

and nights short

when one needs to sleep

an oddity for me,

I have been sleeping 

and

awaken only to want to sleep more

exhausted

Work has become respite

They said 3 days

panic

anger

sadness

Did you know?

Is that why you came

Is that why you sold everything and came

Then left when I questioned

your health

your sanity

your day to day life

?

we are on day 4

you said you will fight 

I cannot come

I will not burden your struggling brain

but you must try

Costa Rica 

We were looking at houses

the beach

you know

I am angry

when I said you need to go,

now

you should have gone

I should have made you

you are so stubborn

It would have given us 

4 extra weeks

I care for these people

I know

I know the outcome

You

know

the outcome

and here we are

30 years

my heart

our heart

xo

m

To the GYM!

Epiphany...

If you want to be more fit,

you actually have to do the work. 

seriously.

The way I think about it every year, 

is

if I start now, by June I'll be semi fit.

using the term semi, loosely

very very loosely.

53.

I like to be fit.

Not muscular 

Just fit

so that I feel better about my self and so that my underwear fits ok

Call me crazy,

But I hate when pictures are taken and my arms look a bit thick.

Or my legs a bit shapeless.

At this age, no one is looking but me at myself.

and that makes me laugh.

When I think about me I still think I'm 27

But then I look in the mirror and the classic thought...

How and when did I turn into my mom?

Not that my mom looked bad

I just thought I was 

ya know 27

not 53

I signed up for Chuze gym

got the whole shebang.

30.00 a month gives me access to everything,

even the pool.

Classes, weights, private training....

so really there will be hardly any excuse.

Today I went in and did an easy 

full body workout to start.

day 1 

complete

Anyone else getting ready for summer?

m

We All Need Gucci Therapy

Real life scenario

Nurse Julie, "Have you guys tried to get therapy through Employee Assistance Program"

Me,"Yeah, tried to get it for my kid...no one accepts it"

Nurse Sally,"no shit, and if they do? it's ghetto"

Me, "It's like the Cost Cutters of therapy"

extended pause.....

"I don't need Cost Cutter Therapy, I need some damn Gucci therapy....

I'm in a bad place and I can't even get on the waitlist for the runway"

That was the conversation at 5am at the nurse's station on a Wednesday morning. 

True story.

Julie, " what do you do when your family is sick?"

Me, " I want to kill them"

also me....

driving,

 on the way to work, 

crying,

 looking at the snow-covered front range, 

at all the beauty, 

and at the same time, thinking how much shit I have been through,

 and really....

how I just want to fall off the planet.

"I feel so much, yet so little...I cry a lot when I am alone and nothing brings me happiness anymore, not even beer"

"Girl, that is some real life compassion burn out"

Yeah, that is why I cannot use that cheap ass therapy.  

I need some real, 

top shelf, 

no fucking around therapy, 

Gucci Therapy

but,

there is none.

I have been reminded by friends and family many times in the last 2 years that I really need to partake in some sort of therapy.

The list is long, and I'm not even sure a therapist would know where to start....

I sure wouldn't know where to start talking.

Maybe cost cutters isn't so bad?

Maybe they are the gateway to the future of my relief. 

They don't get paid much, but they are trained for the basics.

But honestly, 

M needs some real talk therapy.

Real ability to go back to the start and figure out why I am such a stubborn, empathetic, tearful, soul.

Is there an answer within therapy?

anyone?

does anyone know the answer to this?

hmmm

damn Gucci Therapy

I need it

we all could use some Gucci mental health therapy

write ya later

m

Yoga day 10

Yoga day 10, yeah, shut it....

I missed a few.

But, I'm still going.

No where near where my athletic ability was 3 years ago, but times have changed and the fact I keep moving is at least something, right?

I'm super tired,

but maybe that is normal.

I get up at 445am and head to work by 515am

I am working 4 full days a week, 

then I picked up Fridays at the hospital as a PRN.

It's all good 

Therapy for the kid is not cheap....

but like hell would I ever deny her help or the chance to talk to a therapist.

This is parenting,

this is love.

the kid may hate me right now

but that's ok.

we got this.

I have a few goals 

I have a lot of shit I would like to yell at the world

but I am learning silence is key

I am learning to live in my skin

and live in my life

happiness

love

Can't wait for warm weather

SUP boarding

travel

National Parks

Roller Skating

Gravel Bike

Running if my feet allow

Camping

Music

Outdoor Parties

friends

Gardening

 

Good stuff

write ya later

m

 

Yoga day 2

 

At this point 

Don’t really care what I look like 

I completed day 2 because I’m not a quitter 

Almost was 

But got it done at 8pm

I do hope I can get back to running

I ran 2.5 miles and the next day my plantar fasciitis was saying hello 

Again 

Even with 6 months off

So maybe the yoga would help

Because

My other half had taken up running

Because he wanted something we could do

Together

And now he’s a runner

And apparently I’m basically crippled in the feet

Which 

Makes 

Me 

Sad

Running

Although I was never good or fast

Was my flex to

Myself 

Now I have nothing 

Except the hope my feet 

Will heal

Xo

M

Gifted a damn bloom Orchid Bullshit compared to Life

Hey Oh, Hello

this happened last night.

My 79 cent orchid from the Kingsoopers throwaway bin

 in which I have been nursing back to health for a year...

bloomed.

My takeaway?

Keep caring, loving and doing

it'll happen

consistant and persistant

bwahahaha

that's dumb, but you get the drift.

On that note, my damn foot is hurting again.

I am trying to start training for a race and boom

foot pain

It's killing me on the inside because running was my way of clearing my mind.

even if I wasn't going far, it was mind clearing.

I have ordered some new running shoes and will be getting rid of all my others and see if that is the issue 

including my work Danskos

I am also going to start 

Yoga with Adrienne online.

I've been told that stretching may help my feet

how the fuck that works, I don't know.

I should know, because I am a nurse and I did take many years of anatomy and physiology

but my heel baffles me.

so, on the advice of some non medical person via Tok Tok, 

I will Yoga.

hey at least I'm following Yoga advice and not Joe Rogan's

I'll shut up now.

listen....

that Orchid?

Don't be scared of Orchids.

here's what you do

Bring home, 

get some orchid bark.

dump all the dirt out that it came in but keep that weird little plastic pot.

Make sure there is plenty of drainage....I cut slits in the sides too

clean of the roots and clip the nasty roots 

you can google this on Youtube

then rinse the roots, put in pot and put those bark chips around.

I then run the water through the pot and let it drain.

after the water has drained put back in decrative pot.

I place in a north facing window

it's by my kitchen sink so maybe it gets some humidity, I don't fucking know.

But I watch its leaves,  too much water they get weird and wrinkly soft, too little water, the same way

but don't panic 

just water like once a month...

and change those wood chips 

2x a year. 

and I always say watch a You Tube about it

but don't give up.

well even if you do 

it's just a fucking Orchid.

you can get another.

I'm gonna go Yoga

maybe I need to keep track of my yoga 

be accountable

let me see how day one goes

xo

m 

 

Gaslighting ....get over yourself

My control has been out of the ball park lately, Seriously.

Out

of 

the

park.

I'd like to tell you my crying factor has subsided, but no....

that is still hanging tight.

I can cry just thinking about shit...

Nothing even has to happen

but whatever.

One thing I no longer need to cry about??

My life.

My life is good.

but what surprises me, still, is how people want to gaslight.

in case you are confused:

"Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality."

People are dicks.

Honestly, we all are sometimes.

Holding onto anger and punishing is silly.

Be strong.

A long time ago a lovely therapist told me to let go of the things I cannot control.

It brings great relief.

She said I needed to try to understand that that what people are putting towards me is not about me, but about them...

and I laughed.

It made sense....

All those years, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I also knew I was 

kind

beautiful

an empath

and 

honest....

Until I couldn't be anymore.

I also learned that the people who matter most

ie: kids 

They will find out the truth, 

they figure it out

good.

That doesn't matter but what does is that they know I was there,

every damn day,

every day that I could barely get my own ass out of the bed or my mind straight

I got up

and did what I knew was best 

I fought for them and loved them

and allowed them time to hate and to heal

I think that is pretty fucking awesome.

so,

when someone says

"I think you’re a horrible role model for children

 I don’t agree with your way of parenting. I never have..."

I bite my tongue, shake my little head and laugh

as childish as it can be.  it sums it all up

gaslighting no more.

The power of me and my knowledge and my freedom and my love

I'm good.

real good

ABCDE....

xo,

m

53 , Let It Be

Well,

another year.

It's been a good one considering it's the age of Covid.

Party Animal 

crazy hair

Starting fresh

and this is how I celebrate birthdays

shoes and whatever I want.

it's all good

write ya later,

m

 

Oh No You Did Not

I'm a nurse

I get it, y'all are irritated with us and everything that is going on in your bubble of a world....

Covid

Masks

Low staffed restaurants

Seriously...

we are doing our godamn bests...

so it makes no sense for people to be dicks to us or anyone in the medical field right now.

Zip...

Zero...

Nadda...

After 2.5 years you KNOW you need to don a mask...

and yes you can put your classy

"This mask does nothing"

mask on and I may shake my head...

but you know...

in your self centered head...

 you need to put it on to get service...

here, at restaurants, hospitals, clinics, Target, Walmart 

all of it...

and

If ya pull your mask down to sneeze or cough in my face, 

Yes I am going to say something.

If you throw your ID and attitude at the young girl checking you in ....

You can be sure she is going to come back, tell me, and I'm gonna remember

yeah...I am

So, get your shit together and be nice to us.

You get to go home and take your mask off and cop an attitude at home and tell everyone what bitches us nurses are...

and we just keep smiling and reminding you to get a booster, wash your filthy hands, and wear a mask if you need to stand in line at the bottom of the Vail Chair Lift on a Saturday with 30k other people.

and yes this is Vail last weekend 

so tell me none of these people

got Covid

Think about it

xo,

m

Plants are the New Black and how to make cute OUI Jar Plant Things

Has it really been 3 months? 

Apparently. 

I haven't been on here much. I have been writing a wee bit. 

I write for a nature /eco blog ( kind of like ghost writing) once in a while, but I certainly haven't been writing anything fabulous.

So, in-between relentlessly showing up to work to fight COVID, 

which, 

by the way,

I am so over, 

I sometimes piddle around with rescued plants and come up with ridiculous DIY things.

My thrifty self started eating OUI yogurt. I love the little glass jars and I also love the price when it goes on clearance at King Soopers for 79 cents. I haven't died of food poisoning yet, so I keep eating it.

Then I made these little hanging jars with Pothos in them.

there you have it 

Little hanging jars....

If I remember, I'll repost when they grow.

It will be like paint drying.

I have a list of other boring things I hope to accomplish.

Like...

figure out what this is growing in this pot.

Is it something I planted last summer or is it a magic gift from the plant goddess?

I'm sure it is probably a weed.

I'll keep everyone posted on that too.

Then I got this cool Crassula Ovata,

or as I call 

big assed leaf jade plant.

See how crafty? I put little twinkle lights in it.

cute huh?

I ran 2 miles, which I was really happy about because my foot actually didn't hurt...

My entire body did hurt though, because I am out of shape.

I taught Olive how to drive a stick shift, which nearly killed us both.  She tried to kill me with angry attitude and refusal to try anything new and I about killed me by trying to stay positive.

Took 3 weeks, but I think she has it.

Went on a hike

Button Rock Dam

It was lovely.

I cut off all my hair.

Is that a sign of something

I won't say 2022 is going to be my year, but I'm gonna give it my half ass attempt.

I think what I really need to do is make a vision board and get some therapy.

I giving myself 5 more days of January to get my shit together,

then I'm putting on my damn party dress and moving along.

write ya later

xo, m