It's never as bad as we initially think. Just are required to push through. Last week I made a texting error that I imagine we have all made at some point. I texted to a group text when I should have been texting a private friend.
Yeah
it sucked, but not as bad as it could have. I only stated that a person was clueless as to her new puppy.
Said person immediately texted me privately and said to keep her business out of group text and she now knows where she stands with me.
I totally got it. It hurt her(duh). I apologized, I called, I explained, but honestly, that really wasn't enough and I understand that. This person is young and still quite self centered and they didn't need me talking about their life.
I was in the wrong.
If I hadn't cared I wouldn't have even responded, but I do care about this person. I regret my actions but once trust is lost there is noisy way fix to that, so I need to focus my energy elsewhere. The only thing I can do is stay out of the way and be careful not to express my feelings too loudly.
And that is it.
when you do wrong you can only apologize so many times then you have to move on.
This is not the first time in my 50+ years I have made a mistake, or said some negative things, or even thrown a joke out with a bit too much sarcasm, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But I do try to be aware and I have been trying to be more sensitive.
My upbringing of being the youngest of 12 siblings conditioned me to be spicy. Eight older brothers didn't leave me with room to be soft or unable to defend myself. When I think about what my problems are I often refer to what I learned last year. I can't ask myself what is wrong with me ( I KNOW what is wrong) but the bigger picture is " What happened to me". These things formed the me I am today.
youngest of a large family
alcoholic parents
father with Alzheimers
rape
death of 2 brothers and father within a few years
death of mother
unfaithful partners
divorce
experiencing an OD of a child
suicide attempt by child
illness in family
Covid
PTSD
untimely death of sissy
None of these are an excuse for my sometimes poor behaviors....but they are a reason for some, for the mistrust and negative attitude I sometimes carry with me, and definitely for my cynicism. Every day I learn new things and try to make the effort to be and do better, but I'll be honest, sometimes I slip back to my protected self and throw the walls of mistrust and spice back up. One would think that after 40 some years I would catch myself before it happened.
As I write this, my heart suffers to know that I am not a great person all the time. I'm guessing no one really is. I do know that I care. If I can I will sit by you and hold your hand in a crisis. I will sit at your deathbed if requested. I will be there in any way that I can if you ask....and I do not tend to hold a grudge. Life is too short for that.
I understand if you are busy, or if you have been busy for 7 years....I'll most likely still be here if you need me or want to talk. I'll pick up that conversation right where we left off. I understand if you can't show up, even if you said you would be there....You know why? Because life happens, family happens and usually that stuff is way more important than a meeting at the local bar.
Life happens.
So, It's not that bad, is it? Work is tough right now. Figuring out my place in an environment where I am slightly appreciated but not enough to monetarily compensate me. Realizing that maybe I can't always stay somewhere just because I like most of the people. I, too, need to live and pay my bills and move forward in a direction that fills my needs and not just continue doing something because it's there, it's expected and it's easy.
Also, when work becomes a bit too dramatic for me, I tend to move on. My free time is more important than bringing the dread of work home with me, or to even spend any of my private time thinking about work.
That's where I am right now.
A few good things
friend is coming to visit
off social media this month
been reading
painting
working out
job interviews
re-eval after loss of sissy
It's time to re-evaluate this time period and make a new "list of to do's"
still
27 days of bleeding...tell me any normal person could withstand the torment. I don't mind blood, its the time it takes to take care of it.
The Dr. even said, "wow, has it been like this the entire time?"
A battery of test and no answers. Lab today, pelvic ultra sounds on Tuesday....
they worst part is you just have to keep going on.
I'm cranky and trying to hide it is getting harder.
I'm gardening a lil bit at a time. 2 pots here, a few more additions to my beer bottle garden bed, back and forth and everything still looks so incomplete.
I wish I had a better eye for that stuff.
im gonna nap...
then pretend I didn't for when everyone comes home.
I'm just going to say it. It's been on my mind for about 3 weeks now and since this is my blog I can post it no matter who grosses out or whatever.
I have been bleeding for 3 weeks straight now.
Perimenopause?
I don't know...don't know at all. Short of being an RN and knowing that I usually only have a 5 day period it has made me extremely depressed, a wee bit frightened, and on top of that irritated.
As a woman, our lives seem to revolve around bleeding,childbearing, bleeding and then death. No happy inbetween. Now what do I have to look forward too? More facial hair, dried up cooch, and crumbling bones. It came to my realization yesterday that, "what is the point?"
what is the point of working out, of caring...of pretty much anything right now. So,I can look good in my casket?
I have run out of period panties and they have ALL become period panties.
pretty soon I may just need a period diaper.
I realize that most of you who read this are way too young to even understand the fear and anger that this is coming with...which is really strange. I never thought I would say that considering I don't plan on having any more kids.
Maybe I'm mostly nervous about something being wrong.
Maybe it is the inability to really tell anyone because our periods are so taboo.
I am going to go lay down, because I have been dizzy and tired...and I have to work.
no biggie...
none at all
and yes, I made a dr. appointment so no need for the lecture
Yesterday was my Birthday...I'm now 42 years wiser than the newborn. Good to know, I don't want you to try to pull anything over on me if you are younger...because I am wiser and I have the birthdays to prove it!
for my birthday, Bobby got tickets to Allegria : Cirque du Solei
It was great...He announced to me, on the way there, that he got the cheapest tickets he could find so he's not sure about the seats. (My god...just profess your love, not your cheapness to my Birthday!)
We get there, He hands the tickets to the lady at the door and she says ...ooooh you are in the wrong line, you need to go over there to the roped area... You are in a suite!
A suite!!? of course I couldn't take any pics, they don't allow any electronics in the building but it was cool.
A suite...waitress, couches and everything.
The best seats in the house were right in front of the stage where it was "interactive", but if you can't sit there...THE SUITE was the bomb!
Needless to say...He was acting like he planned it that way...bless his stupid heart.
Now onto the yukky part...
STOP READING IF A MALE, OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH
So as an additional gift:
This morning I was getting Olive and me into the shower. As I got undressed I a felt a little
dribbly, you know, ladies, the kind of dribbly you get when you jump on the trampoline after having kids, or maybe when you laugh really hard or sneeze? I thought to myself, Jeesus H Christ ...I JUST turned 42, now I have to wear depends? Really, come on Life, give me a damn break. But I didn't argue too much, I just told Olive to get into the shower and leaned over to clean up...
OH MY GOD!!!!
it was like the Movie CARRIE!!!
(for you who are too young to know about this movie...google it and you shouldn't be reading this blog anyways)
A trail of blood
Gross...I am disgusting
It's Official
GROSSSSSSSS'
Why does the period never come on time and WHY after having the damn thing for 28+ years I can't figure out when its going to happen?
I was thankful Olive didn't see, because I am not ready to tell her about bleeding for a quarter of your life.
She is very emotional and thought the dog had to be put down when he puked in the car...
not sure what it is...stress, period, school, work...combo possibly. I'm taking a sick day.
I feel pukey.
Ilin goes to Children's Hospital tomorrow to the hematologist to check his blood.
low reticulate, count low WBC's...not anemic,no D deficiency...just a recommendation from the pediatrician to take him to Children's (which is never what you want to hear)..
