Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.
She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:
She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....
even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.
She sees beautiful.
I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.
We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.
Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?
I don't really think so.
If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful
do it.
fuck it.
Some people like S&M,
some people like holding hands...
Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals
(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)
But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.
and accepted.
They said Bubba should not be in love again....
it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.
but who the hell wrote that rule?
Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?
He is in love...
and it's ok.
love is awesome.
That girl...Olive Bijie.
She is in love every day...
until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.
She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....
and that's ok, too
I told her...
"they will be there when you are ready"
How will I know when I am ready, Mom?
"because you won't mind when they touch your boob
....simple as that....
you might even want them to"
Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.
yes, yes it will.
So for everyone reading.
lets love more and fight less
let's give some money to the guy on the corner...
just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.
Let's connect with old friends
Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....
until you start loving.
and if you are in a situation where you have no love...
fucking change that shit.
because we all deserve it.
and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.
it is 3 months....3 months since it happened.
3 months since the 645 am phone call...
"your son is alive, but....."
no one asks me how I am and honestly , I am just me
my heart hurts today.
I have cried
I have tried to text people and I have tried to reach out.
2 people, one being my son, have responded....and he should never have to bare his mother's pain
I must keep quiet
I must be strong.
what I saw was what I saw...
and yes I was the parent notified that day,
only because my child was alive.
I saw her, I identified, I watched and cradled my son in the back seat of a squad car....vomiting and cold.
I shielded his view as they brought her out...
I blocked them from staring when the people on the street were curious...
I pleaded for them to retrieve the phone with all the numbers so that I could call her mom....
They said it is on the table...cannot move it now.
crime scene
They will call....they promised.
3 months later....
I still have the burden not calling.....
the pain of what I saw, yet grateful her mother did NOT have to see
even knowing she wishes she had been there....
I understand.
I drove home today....
3 months post....
contemplating death....
being done with the pain I carry, which should not be
It is my own ....
it would not help....
I know this.
my heart hurts for all of them....
I cannot fix it...
but yet for some reason....
I carry it
I still hear the cries,
I still see what I saw
I still carry guilt
wtf
I just want this to end...
for the sun to shine
to be done
no one asks how I feel or did feel.
what I saw....
am I ok
yes.
sure
I'm ok
we don't talk about it
we stay strong
mother
strong
He called and said,
"Mom, It's been 82 days and it has not gotten any easier, everyday still hurts like the first day"
it makes me cry....and I hate to cry. I cry for her, for you, for Gretchen and Charlie and for everyone who has to deal with this type of death.
Elliot never intended for any of this and would hate for us all to be so sad....I know this in my heart and you do too....but here we are, with nothing to grasp except sadness of this entire situation. We now have a hole where she was to be and grow and experience life with you, Ilin....that was cut too short....and as your mother, this has to be one of the most heart wrenching things to watch unfold. I can in no way take away your pain and that hurts. I had no preparation for this and I'm not sure you really were prepared either, even being in the situation. Gretchen Ford my heart breaks for you, you know that...and nothing you could have done or said would have prepared Ilin or me for this either.
Here is something I would like to add as not only a mom, but as a person who lived a very similar life to Elliot....
1.) stop glamorizing drugs and the culture.... if you know someone who is thinking about trying these drugs, stop them...be stronger than the drug because if you never do the drug, you won't die from it....and I'm being serious. When I talked to Ilin as a young teen, I always said, " I know you are going to do things and try things, that is a known rite of passage, but I want you to know....never do heroin or meth....these are 2 drugs which you will never win with." I reiterated this many times in Ilin's growing years and I feel that maybe it helped a bit to be honest. (A hard line sometimes has to be drawn)
2. If you have younger siblings or friends...keep them from doing these drugs.
They look up to you....
and you may think you don't have an influence, but you do.
The first time I heard to never do heroin, or ever even try it, was from my brother Jack....and I listened.
He looked me in the eye, and said'
"I've done a lot of stuff, but I will never shoot heroin, that shit will kill you, regardless of how good the high might be. Never do heroin, don't even try it. Walk away if anyone tries to get you to do it or tries to make it sound good. It's bad, and it kills you"
3. If you know someone who is struggling, understand that this is not a game, and not a choice
at a certain point, no one can help them except them selves, they have to try to get help on their own and it takes strength and the ability for failure. Often the type of people who get addicted to these drugs are not great at failure, so it is a vicious circle.....and they won't succeed without 100% support, regardless of the situation.
So if you know someone who is trying to get straight, don't push them in the wrong direction.
Please.
4.losing anyone to an overdose is a horrible thing, but also, understanding that, most likely, dying was not their intent....
As Many of my good friends from my younger years can attest to.... with these drugs, there is no in-between. there is no...".I'll just do it today and then I'll be good for a a week....there is no, I'm pretty clean...." 5.The truth, the very hard shitty truth that no one speaks about because it sounds rough ( But sometimes we need some real life truth) either you are 100% clean and sober or you will eventually lose to the drug. This is a truth. so think about that, think about the pain to your friends and family that this may cause. Stop thinking it won't happen to you ....because...... we , this group of Elliots friends, family and lover, thought it would never happen to us.....
I love you all and I want to see all our kids make it to their destination in life and fulfill their dreams, so start talking to your kids and friends and speak up!
Jesus criminy....
if you, as a parent, think this is not in your kid's life...think again.
Ask them if they know anyone who does a little Molly, or smokes alittle heroin in their weed?.
If you are ok with them vaping?....then you have a problem going on...
.ask them. you might be surprised...but you shouldn't be.
This little soul loved ice cream and sushi...
She danced and loved hip hop...
She didn't smoke cigarettes
then...
it became a thing, everyone was doing it.
then she met a person who said,
"You are beautiful, do this with me"
and it was about as simple as that...
One try...the wrong person, a weak hurt teen...
and then
we couldn't fix it.
Yin and Yang of life I suppose.
With each birth there is a death
and just as life has it,
with each death there is a birth.
Ilin Blue "Oozium"
Saturday at Helikon Gallery we celebrated the birth of this young man's art, which is going to bring him into a new life.
People flowed in from all over to see his art they had been hearing about.
The artists were all talking and excited to see who this artist was.
This artist, Ilin Blue, was a surprise to them all.
The gallery owner had no idea that Ilin ( Oozium) was only 22...
had never once shown his art before....
The gallery filled up...
they ran out of drinks....
The owner came up to me and said,
"we have never had an opening to this extent before, with this many people showing up on opening night for a group show....they are all here for him. He has all ready sold all of his art, and it has only been 1 hour"
This young man, with the shirt he bought and pressed 2 hours earlier, clean pants and Elliot's ashes around his neck, smiled from ear to ear
( check out the Denver Grillz)
He spoke to people as they came in.
Other artists and visitors asked for pictures with him.
He was happy.
A much needed change from the last 3 weeks.
I whispered, "your Muse made this happen...she is here..."
He smiled at me and I gave him a big hug....
Sometimes , just sometimes, good things can grow out of horrible.
The gallery owner pulled him aside and asked if he would be willing to do reprints, ...
"of course!"
As I walked around the galleries looking at other art I realized how special tonight was.
One artist said " Have you seen the young man's art downstairs in the main building? We heard he may be coming to our gallery to stay for a while. We can't believe his stuff...we heard he draws too....
That young man is on his way up...we hope he stays here."
I smiled and said,
"that is my son."
My beautiful broken son...
I believe they said around 300 people walked in to see Oozium...the artist with his art on 3 full walls,
with no art schooling, past shows, or artist tribe...
Awkwardly shaking hands, and humbly saying ,
"thank you, man"
with his signature little bow, prayer hands and huge smile.
The night was grand.
As I left the owner came up to me and said,
"we would like him to consider a full gallery show in 2020 if he is interested.
All walls, floor to ceiling. I just can't get enough of his humble attitude and if this is his beginning we can't wait to see how he progresses."
This beginning stemmed from an end. The Muse who had all the paperwork ready to submit for this art show....then died.
The submission that almost did not happen because he did not feel like he could do it.
But we said, "Elliot would want this"
and now the doors are open for a rebirth.
They offered him his own studio,
A group of people with like mind to help him get out of his head and into the world.
A place to find a bit of refuge from his sadness.
a new Tribe.....
minus,
the only
person
he
ever
wanted
to
be
with.
The Muse...Ashton/Elliot
He enjoyed the opening, his friends kept him safe...
He went out....he came home...
all was beautiful
All was so good that he said,
"it's time I go back to the apartment"
The next day he gathered all of his stuff and went back to their little apartment,
unpacked and sat down on the bed in which she had only died 1 month prior to the day...
and cried,
and cried,
and cried.
By the time he called I could only understand little bits and pieces but as his mom I knew the pain.
"Mom, this fucking sucks, I want her...physically next to me and she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"
no, you are right...she never will be.
"I'm laying in the bed and I just want her, so I can tell her how great it was, how I want her to be proud, how I did all of this for her"
I know....but that is not going to happen and she opened this door for you...
please Blue, don't let her down now....cry, be sad...but breathe.
"I'm lonely, mom, I'm lonely and scared that I will always be lonely"
Blue, at night, we are all lonely, you must find a way to be ok with being lonely...
Have a place to put your sadness every night,
then remember
we are all alone when we close our eyes at night...
it won't get better, but it will get easier and at some point you may find solace in the fact you can be in the bed with your heart and mind open and be ok with you, just you.
You will make friends, you will go out, you will eat and sometimes you will just go out because you know you should....
and that is good.
But we are all alone at night.
I love you Ilin Blue.
I am so proud.
Only you can hold your own heart in your hands and make it ok
I can only be here....
watching and listening
and Blue,
remember....
she would be so proud....
she wanted this for you.
❤❤
Each Death Brings Birth
Write ya later,
m
Such a Simple Thing
R.Lamontagne
Tell me what you're feeling
I can take the pain
Tell me that you mean it
That you won't leave again
Tell me what your heart wants
Such a simple thing
My heart is like paper
Yours is like a flame
I can't make you see
If you don't by now
I'll get through these chains
Some how
Some how
Take it if you want it
I'm so tired I just don't care
Can't you see how much you hurt me?
It's like I wasn't there
Tell me what your heart wants
Such a simple thing
My heart is like paper
Yours is like a flame
My heart is like paper
Yours is like a flame
I can't make you see
If you don't by nowI'll get through these chainsSome howSome how
When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear.
Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case.
Comical, in fact
Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.
Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing feat happened.
I saw myself for who I am,
and what I have to offer...
and why people are in my life....
boom
Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.
Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.
I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens. Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?
question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?
Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that
hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life
As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.
..ups and downs,
anger and
life changes.
Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..
"mistakes happen,
own them,
learn from them,
look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."
they are waiting for you to realize and learn
Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.
Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:
It is not me...
It is the other.
When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...
people came to me with the words of wisdom
"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"
In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...
people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....
all of this hidden away from my family.
As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be
Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically)....
they are strengthening...
you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break
you learn....
Anger is never a primary emotion.
Hurt and failure usually proceed.
Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.
and as full circle
feeling of failure and hurt follow.
I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....
it sucks dick.
This is exactly why I no longer hate....
I remove myself....
it's so hard....
but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.
I guess the lesson here is
Forgive and Forget
everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.
People can dig and look for love all around
use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it,
But that shit is organic....
it crosses your path and it stays....
it's there....
love
so many different forms and people
I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you
you know who they are
so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up
I went to bed yesterday at 6:40pm and woke at 8am....
Still tired, aged 1000 years and my list of shit I need to accomplish continues to grow.
I took this picture to remind myself I am still alive...
My son is still alive....
and my heart is still beating.
all the cocktails in the world will not help
my drug days are way over (thank you)...
Talking to people really doesn't help, because all it does is push people away in an awkward manner
and
ignoring myself apparently will not help
I have told myself this morning, as I drink my green smoothie, get ready for going down my list and accomplishing things such as brushing teeth, eating a solid food, going outside, laundry (because I stink), and try to exercise...
I tell myself that I am not going to be that friend people want to ignore after today.
My life is not that heavy and my problems should be mine and mine alone.
But I am going to share a one sided story.
Then I will say my thanks to the people I love.
I was Elliot.
I lived the life of bars, strip clubs...poor choices in men.
is it a gene? is it a lack of fatherly love?
who knows.
Was I sexually abused by my dad? NO
The neighbor boy up the street? Yes...
but I thought it was a game....
I have never been a victim.
even after being raped by a man I knew,
who broke into my apartment while I was at work and waited for me.
my fault...
play the game and recover...
These people in my life were poor decisions and I set myself up for bad shit to happen.
I was young.
I was headstrong
and I didn't care for myself a whole hell of a lot.
I worked precarious jobs, but was always smart enough to not get too involved.
I worked with questionable people,
but again....
stayed solo in my life...
hopping from situation to situation with close friends often not even knowing where or what I was doing.
did I do drugs? yes.
with the promise I would never shoot-up...
I never did...
but, you can get the same effect smoking or snorting.
Waking up in people's house and not knowing where you are...
wrong side of town...
outside in a yard...
with blood pouring from a knife slice from someone I trusted...
and a scar not even a tattoo can cover
funny stories, now....kind of...
Somehow I avoided death and the addictive gene.
I begged my soul for help to be stronger, and to not want so much...
I wrote letters to myself...
reminders...
you got this
all by your self....
you got this.
I knew (know) I was (am) a broken person.
wanting to be loved more than anyone can actually give.
I finally left that town...Atlanta.
I escaped...
moved to the mountains in Colorado
I got a day job
I milked goats.
Someone who did not know a thing about me gave me chance waiting tables in a breakfast place.
I didn't have access to drugs...
I didn't have access to friends...
I was horrifying lonely...
sad...
really sad
I lapsed a few times with poor decisions...
but I made it.
here I am....
and maybe that is why I am so saddened for the death of Elliot.
Because I saw her resume sitting on the table that morning when the police asked me to go in and look around.
She was trying.
She constructed an entire resume outlining her strengths and work ethic.
To go from nightlife
to the safety of day life.
but she did not make it
stuck in the night.
That is my short version of my story.
Many parts of my life are very secret.
laughable and haunting.
here I am at 50.
looking into a time machine of a young girl who was living my life and many other's
poor choices...
heartbreakingly lonely
and a young man who couldn't fix or love her enough
