RX: Watch Chickens and Sit

 

Per my therapist, 

I am to make less lists and do a bit more relaxing, chicken watching and stretching. To the average person this would be an easy task, but to me ..... it is close to despairingly impossible. It allows me much,

too much, time to think about life. This opens another door. Why am i not wanting to think about life? 
What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot let go, relax and contemplate the beauty of being above ground and all the great things I have experienced and have yet to experience? 
Why does my mind want to dwell in the past and torture me with the thoughts of the things I could have done differently?  
Could I have saved them?  
Could I have saved Sissy? 
Would she still be here to help me navigate these crazy days my mind has been happening?   
Therapist says no.  
What happened happened and it wasn't because of me ( which I know) and I could not have changed the path she had chosen........
It is time to move forward and stop thinking about could have beens and start thinking about what can be, and enjoy it a little bit.

On that note...

Why do many men over the age of 50 pick women half their age +7 years, give or take?

This came up on my news today.  What is the science behind it? There must be a study?

My homework for the week will be to see if there is actually a study.

It will keep me from making a lists.

I am grateful for the new amazing job that I landed.  I really do believe things happen when they are supposed to and this new nursing job has been a career saver for me.  To be able to care for people, in their homes, without being micro managed, having a great team, and the care I'm giving is not "critical" home care.  Home infusion for chronically ill, administering medications like IgG for chron's and ulcerative colitis , and biologics for people with MS and scleroderma.

The people are thankful, I am thankful and the schedule is great.

well I am going to go do a bit of sewing and THINK about going to Yoga .

write ya later

m

We All Need Gucci Therapy

Real life scenario

Nurse Julie, "Have you guys tried to get therapy through Employee Assistance Program"

Me,"Yeah, tried to get it for my kid...no one accepts it"

Nurse Sally,"no shit, and if they do? it's ghetto"

Me, "It's like the Cost Cutters of therapy"

extended pause.....

"I don't need Cost Cutter Therapy, I need some damn Gucci therapy....

I'm in a bad place and I can't even get on the waitlist for the runway"

That was the conversation at 5am at the nurse's station on a Wednesday morning. 

True story.

Julie, " what do you do when your family is sick?"

Me, " I want to kill them"

also me....

driving,

 on the way to work, 

crying,

 looking at the snow-covered front range, 

at all the beauty, 

and at the same time, thinking how much shit I have been through,

 and really....

how I just want to fall off the planet.

"I feel so much, yet so little...I cry a lot when I am alone and nothing brings me happiness anymore, not even beer"

"Girl, that is some real life compassion burn out"

Yeah, that is why I cannot use that cheap ass therapy.  

I need some real, 

top shelf, 

no fucking around therapy, 

Gucci Therapy

but,

there is none.

I have been reminded by friends and family many times in the last 2 years that I really need to partake in some sort of therapy.

The list is long, and I'm not even sure a therapist would know where to start....

I sure wouldn't know where to start talking.

Maybe cost cutters isn't so bad?

Maybe they are the gateway to the future of my relief. 

They don't get paid much, but they are trained for the basics.

But honestly, 

M needs some real talk therapy.

Real ability to go back to the start and figure out why I am such a stubborn, empathetic, tearful, soul.

Is there an answer within therapy?

anyone?

does anyone know the answer to this?

hmmm

damn Gucci Therapy

I need it

we all could use some Gucci mental health therapy

write ya later

m

Plants are the New Black and how to make cute OUI Jar Plant Things

Has it really been 3 months? 

Apparently. 

I haven't been on here much. I have been writing a wee bit. 

I write for a nature /eco blog ( kind of like ghost writing) once in a while, but I certainly haven't been writing anything fabulous.

So, in-between relentlessly showing up to work to fight COVID, 

which, 

by the way,

I am so over, 

I sometimes piddle around with rescued plants and come up with ridiculous DIY things.

My thrifty self started eating OUI yogurt. I love the little glass jars and I also love the price when it goes on clearance at King Soopers for 79 cents. I haven't died of food poisoning yet, so I keep eating it.

Then I made these little hanging jars with Pothos in them.

there you have it 

Little hanging jars....

If I remember, I'll repost when they grow.

It will be like paint drying.

I have a list of other boring things I hope to accomplish.

Like...

figure out what this is growing in this pot.

Is it something I planted last summer or is it a magic gift from the plant goddess?

I'm sure it is probably a weed.

I'll keep everyone posted on that too.

Then I got this cool Crassula Ovata,

or as I call 

big assed leaf jade plant.

See how crafty? I put little twinkle lights in it.

cute huh?

I ran 2 miles, which I was really happy about because my foot actually didn't hurt...

My entire body did hurt though, because I am out of shape.

I taught Olive how to drive a stick shift, which nearly killed us both.  She tried to kill me with angry attitude and refusal to try anything new and I about killed me by trying to stay positive.

Took 3 weeks, but I think she has it.

Went on a hike

Button Rock Dam

It was lovely.

I cut off all my hair.

Is that a sign of something

I won't say 2022 is going to be my year, but I'm gonna give it my half ass attempt.

I think what I really need to do is make a vision board and get some therapy.

I giving myself 5 more days of January to get my shit together,

then I'm putting on my damn party dress and moving along.

write ya later

xo, m

Empath's Rule

 To walk away or to stay? That is the question I have asked myself many times in my life. Not an easy question by any means, and not a question to take lightly. One random thing I think about is: 

Man, you really do travel this life alone.

The best one can hope for is that you cross paths with people who you can at least spend some enjoyable time with, before your time is over. 

Amen

My time recently has been eaten up by family responsibilities and maintaining the health and sanity of those within my small small circle.  I realize this is not uncommon, but yet, when do I take a minute to step outside my area and take a few breaths for myself....without guilt, fear or anger?  A work friend and I were discussing the counseling I was attending for my daughter, and a bit of the scares and heartbreaks  I have experienced with my two kids. How I never feel like a good parent if my kids have fallen into these holes of hurt and pain...but I fight like hell every day for them to see their beauty. I would not change a thing in my life right n ow except for them to be what we see in them and put the fear and judgements from the world behind them. I cry every time I speak of either one of them, not for sadness, but for my fear that they may never see how amazing life is.  

When are you going to get some counseling?

OMG, no shit.  I feel bad for the therapist I eventually sit with.  At this point I am working 2 jobs to cover life expenses and therapies for O, so that she can be safe and stay out of the hospital. Believe you me.......when I get a free day and an extra $150 I am IN.

When does the fun begin?

Honestly, everyday is a pretty good day.  All in all I really don't have much to complain about, just things to manage.  Am I sad some people have walked away? Very much so.  But they have their lives too.  I am not their inner circle....but I will almost always be there for them. I like to think that we all need separation  to move in the directions needed so that we can come back to each other stronger and with more love and knowledge.  I feel confident in my heart and head that the few people whom have turned away know that I love them dearly and will always and I will be right here for them if they ever need me, a hug, a dinner, a cocktail, a place to just sit and breathe.  I know that.

Love when you can love and never forget it

Yeah, that      Love and hugs are an amazing thing. Closeness and intimacy are secret worlds. No one will ever again make me feel guilty of how much, who, when or why I choose love and laughter. For each time and person I have chosen, or those who have loved me, I am grateful. Especially grateful for the loves who are still here, so that we can remind each other how special friendships are. how longterm unconditional love can not be trumped by petty ideas and life rules.  

An Empath's rule: My heart will always be open to you

As will my sense of humor, my brute honesty, and my abilities to love and piss off at the same time.

Now off to start this wonderful Sunday.

write ya later,

m

Holding on for Life

Broken Bells

Girl take a seat, rest your weary bones

Your secrets safe in my hands

Tell me about the years and

Let me buy an hour

Maybe help me to understand

Ooh ain't nobody callin'

Ain't nobody home

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Light another cigarette

Burning in the cold

Waiting on the street for your man

You're trying not to look so

Young and miserable

You gotta get your kicks while you can

In the lighted corner, sitting on your own

What a lovely day to be lonely

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

Well you might belong to another time

Still you have to carry on here

No where else to go and you never know

What to hide and what to show, no

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

You're holding on for life

Holding on for life oh

Holding on for love.

I Can't Breathe.... Therapy

It's a goddamn pleasure lately to finally see that sun in the morning.

This separation has been liberating, yet exhausting due to the fact of non sleep, so by the time 450 am rolls around I am ready for the morning to take away the night time thoughts and mind banter and start the mundane day.

Therapy was difficult and I am going to throw out a disclaimer right now....

I am going to be honest, so if you are a family member or someone who may have picked sides or does not agree with how I interpret my life's story stop reading now.

This small separation has given me time to be myself and concentrate on letting my insecurities go. To stop worrying about why he does not love me or need me....to stop looking for secrets that are not there and just try to trust and be me.  It has been difficult to stop snooping, but I did it. I sat down with myself and said, " nothing you find is going to fix anything ( honestly I never have found anything so I have no idea what makes me do this short of mistrust and previous baggage) and M, you have to let the people in your life be their authentic selves."

It has been good to not even have an interest in what and where he needs to be to heal himself, but to focus on me healing myself....and to feel again. I actually want him to go out....stay out all night. love and have fun, see if this is what he wants or is there some other area he needs to explore.

we had our first together session....

she promised it would be a positive session.  These sessions are based on mirroring , which is classic, and appears goofy, but it really opened a door.

We sat and discussed a few goals and rules....then she said we will face each other and use her prompts which will pull positive feelings from long ago, maybe things we have long forgotten....and to feel what they meant back then.

she led the session ( I am not going into depth because , yes it is personal...)

It started as such :

B, go back to the first time you knew you were attracted to M...look at her and tell her what that person was feeling at that moment....the moment you knew.

As I sat across from him and looked at his eyes searching back and his mind going back and I saw a small light. He barely hesitated, only the amount of time to go back to the moment 19 years ago.  

Before he could speak, my body and mind could not take it.   

Having to hear how the moment he saw me , and we had never met before, THAT moment....that exact moment... what he felt ..... he knew he was going to step into my life just by me walking into the area.....

I started to have anxiety, a panic attack, the room got dark and I could only hear my pants and sobs and heart beat in my head.  I looked at the therapist and squeaked, "I can't I can't I can't hear it....I can't feel this anymore.... I can't do this" 

B sat quietly and waited for the direction.

she pulled me back and had me center , feel my feet, breathe , get out of the now and go back to that time...not now and how it is now....but before I knew him and or had just met him....the moments before he and I picked each other.

I gathered my heart and breathing....and looked back at him 

she prompted him again...."go back 19 years and tell her what you felt and saw and knew the first time you met or saw her"

"I was first attracted to you the first time I saw you , your personality was so big, and bubbly, and your laugh, you walked into the room and you filled the room....I knew"

then I repeated what I heard him say....it was so difficult...to give credit and strength to words I had not heard before ,from him....validation.

she prompted again:

When you became a little closer , B, stay back then...not now, back then...Tell M how she made you feel :  "you made me feel special , wanted, like you picked me.  You made me want to try new things and laugh, and be there with you all the time... I felt a part of something, safe ."

it went on like this...and then we switched roles .

when we were done my head was pounding and I was exhausted.  There was a small part of our pasts which we touched on...childhood, but that is very private. The session opened us up and although we were both very vulnerable....hearing why we looked at each other that very first time in Las Vegas....when he explained I never even saw him, but he saw me

.... he knew ....

he knew it was me and that was the moment

.... my heart and love was there for him.  for that moment in those 2 chairs I was in love with him again.

Las Vegas 19 years ago (Viva Las Vegas 2000)

it took him about 5 hours to find out where I was that night....I do remember him telling me this story. I was with other people ....we had never met, but we had spoke via a chat room on Yahoo. He was in a well known band and I was just there to have fun.  He saw me in a vintage dress laughing and being scurried along by two other men and a few girls....he said I was tiny and probably drunk, red hair, laughing and filling up space....he knew it was me even from a distance...and he knew I was it.

this ....no worries...

 Somehow either he or I texted, one or the other on those ancient T9 cell phones at about 4 am ( of course I was awake and could no longer sit in a cramped hotel space with 4 other people sleeping) 

he said "I'm up, i'll come get you"  for me that was my knowing point....he came for me....4 am...got in his car, picked me up, he looked so perfect with his fancy rockabilly vintage clothes, big blond pompadour and a small smile on his face.  Do you want to get coffee?   yes.  yes I do.

 (and knowing him now....this is and was amazing, because he is NOT a morning person.... he would never get up at 4am.)

   We spent the next 3 days together laughing, driving all over, drinking and actually staying away from the entire festival in which we were there to see ( except when he had to play).

so, this was a tiny bit of therapy,   we had both admitted, or stated, we have one foot in and one foot out right now.  ready to leave if need be.   and I'm not positive if he can ever love me again like that...or as strongly as my soul needs.  the therapist said, no decisions need to be made now.  lets just learn about each other and empathy....see if we can fix and learn some reasons we are no longer communicating or connecting.

and I'm good with that.

I am also good with , using this time to practice loving again.   to let others tell me how fun I am and to enjoy people wanting to love me and spend fun time together.  I literally forgot how many friends I have and how much fun we can actually have when there is not a sour spot to dampen the adventure.

My heart is open and as I stated before, love is flowing in and out and I cannot deny I am loving these people and me again.

give it time.

write ya later

xo, 

m

its all good.  

Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

Advice:The Good the Bad and the Ugly

Me....

The Good, the Bad , and the oh so Ugly

But wait....

don't run away, I'm trying to fix it...

well, to fix what I can....To adjust and try to 

"clean up my side of the street"

mike kloepfer

"is this a midlife crisis?...seriously?"

Well, M, for women, 50 is the middle and you are having a crisis, so to me...this is the exact definition of midlife crisis.

"Thank God I'm not paying for this therapy... hahaha"

I'm here to help.

M, let's talk about it.  As I hear you, you are not in crisis mode, but you are in a change mode. This we can deal with rationally and , as you like, in steps.

I like it.  

No crisis, bo panic....just one step at a time.

So, as we discussed my current situation as it had fallen the past couple of weeks I was in a more stable situation.  Head has cleared a bit, my panic for my son has settled into just an underlying fear and I am back out into my habitat of doing....

I got a trainer at the gym

Rode the motorcycle

Read

Went out without crying

and had time to be 

Therapist was good with all that

So, we got back at the task at hand. What do I do? Is it as terrible as my mind is having me think....?

Do I just need to re-evaluate and come at things at a different angle, do I accept these things?

Or do I plan a change...

change?....change....

M, you cannot change him...he is not here and I do not care for couples therapy.

What do you think about  for your near future?

"I think that I am getting old. Things are not horrible, I don't mind the roommate aspect because I have some ambient noise that keeps me calm....but I need more intimacy, connection and support."

(to keep this post short...here was the discussion and tasks)

" I want to accept my role in life, my mistakes, my personality and my things I honestly want to change....I don't want to change anyone...I'm learning, that is not my job in this life."

The session was quite eyeopening and helpful.  Just as I cannot read other's minds , they cannot read mine.  As I type this little bit of knowledge I am doing in so to laugh a bit and own it.

1. Please and thank you..."it's manners"

It is ridiculous that I think my friends know I mean "please and thank you"...everyone likes to be graciously acknowledged and that includes me, so I need to start realizing my bossy ass must do this.

I know I am bossy so I am going to try to tame that shit down too.

In terms of bossy....we discussed how growng up with 8 older brothers and 3 older sisters and a Mom who raised strong opinionated kids, I was expected to say what I needed and what I wanted.

Knowing where this comes from, maybe I can stop it.  You don't have to be bossy to be assertive. BOOM... knowledge

 2. Intimacy starts with conversation 

Conversation...??

Use open ended questions and ....here it is, the game changer for me....

open ended and then shut the fuck up.

Sir, I'm not sure....nervous I suppose....

3. Let's get your side of the street clean.

This THIS this right here....

Three years and O will be on her own numerically.  

"But I can't wait that long..."

M, it may take you that long to get your side of the street clean.  When you walk away you do not want to be dragging a trash bag with you.  You want to know your side was clean and that you looked it all over and did what you could to make it tidy and ok for the next person. 

You cannot clean the other side, that is for the other person.

So, I have my little poker stick and bag, and I'm wandering back and forth....picking up my mistakes and bullshit. Talking to people and saying , "hey correct me gently when I do that , ok? I want to be a better person and it's gonna take some work."

The last bit of time was talking about my heart. 

What do I see? Who do I see? What do I want?

We discussed my need for closeness, intimacy and touch.

She validated that.  

THAT, M is a real thing, that is NOT asking for too much, and honestly I cannot say I would put up with as much as you have, or lack of.

"But what do I do?"

Keep cleaning, we talked about the people in your life, your loves, your friends. Your needs are justifiable, maybe you try and discuss it.

"I cannot, it causes a fight, makes me feel small, makes me feel gross, makes me feel unwanted, makes me feel pointless"

M, there are people, from what I can tell, who are waiting for you. Have the discussion. It's not crisis, it is life...and life is not meant for guilt, it is to be enjoyed in whatever manner you have decided is for you....

Andrew Petcher

I have homework this week 

I sweep, I write the letters, I manage my tone and my heart....

and see what happens.

Write ya later,

m

ps:

I miss you

Lesson I am Learning : Projection is not about me

When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear. 

Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case. 

Comical, in fact

Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.  

Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing  feat happened. 

I saw myself for who I am, 

and what I have to offer...

and why people are in my life....

boom

Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.

Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.

I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens.  Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?

question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?

Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that 

hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life

As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.

..ups and downs, 

anger and 

life changes. 

 Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..

"mistakes happen, 

own them, 

learn from them, 

look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."

they are waiting for you to realize and learn

Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.

Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:

 It is not me...

It is the other. 

When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...

people came to me with the words of wisdom

"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"

In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...

people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....

all of this hidden away from my family. 

As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be

Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically).... 

they are strengthening...

you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break

you learn....

Anger is never a primary emotion.

Hurt and failure usually proceed. 

Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.

and as full circle 

feeling of failure and hurt follow.

I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....

it sucks dick.

 

This is exactly why I no longer hate....

I remove myself....

it's so hard....

but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.

I guess the lesson here is 

Forgive and Forget

everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.

People can dig and look for love all around 

use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it, 

But that shit is organic....

it crosses your path and it stays....

it's there....

love

so many different forms and people

I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you

you know who they are

so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up

It's pretty amazing

xo,

I'll be right here

waiting...

m

365 days : post trauma mulch therapy

A dear friend sent me an article about marriage and divorce this past week, amongst all of my family strife and trauma. I always read and or listen to whatever people send my way because:

1. they thought enough of me to send it

2. it may help

The article made me think about no matter how much life education you get you can always use a bit more help and maybe someone with a little better track record to tell you

"you are moving the correct direction."

But, My mind is a bit full right now and as I read I thought...

Does this shit really matter?  We all end up in the same place anyways....dead.

Bettering myself for who?

Me? 

When someone says to you, "You must love yourself, in order to be loved..."

I call bullshit....Makes me laugh

Look at Charles Manson....

he's a piece of shit, but people love him

oh, but wait, 

He loved the shit out of himself.

...Back on track...

Does changing my entire life at 50 even make a difference to anyone?  

Yes, I need to make myself happy, and I am working towards that, but even when my change in status happens, will there be a change?

that is the 500k question.

Three weeks ago I started private therapy sessions, to mainly see if I can correct this great sense of guilt and need to take care of everyone's needs short of my own...Also, I am working towards some life changes which I am finding extremely difficult because of the first issue of guilt.

My new therapist pre-warned me she accidentally says "fuck" sometimes and contrary to her flowey, hippy, royal colored outfit, I really connected.

She let me cry about my recent trauma my son experienced which has left me fearing for his life and my poor parenting skills.

Then she asked me about my life.

Why do I go back and forth on things like a poorly operated amusement park ride?
Me:

"It's not good...but it's not horrible....I won't die if I stay where I am at....but my soul may die...."

She looked me right in the eye and said ...

"WTF?"

shit or get off the pot.

quit overthinking...get out of your overworking brilliant mind and connect with life.

She asked me to make a grand change , but not too grand, before I came back to see her.

So that night, moving quickly, so that I did not have time to dwell.

I quit my job and took a closer job, with more pay, at something I have never done before in my life.

barely told anyone.....just sent the resignation and the acceptance letters all in less than 20 minutes...

then thought I would literally die...

dead....

but I did not.

I took a breath and thought about what my son is going through and said ,

"grow a fucking pair, M....this is just daily life...not death or anywhere close....ya silly twat"

Next she asked how my parental family interacted....

I said, "they are dead" so I'm good there.

oh!? you want to know their interaction when I was growing up?

yeah.  

My mom was a caregiver for my dad who had Alzheimer's for as long as I can remember....

she pretty much sacrificed the best time of her adult life to make sure Dad was safe, loved and cared for in a dignified manner.

..."So, your mom was a caregiver for your dad and 12 kids...she never left because 1. she loved him...and 2. she owed him for taking care of her when they met? ....hmmmm, M...does that sound familiar to you?"

fuck holes.  

"maybe"

Why are you not mad about your current situation?  I see an intelligent, attractive, funny, albeit overthinking, very available woman, with quite a bit to offer, that is getting nothing in return.,,,

Why have you not gotten angry? why ?

Go home...

do one big task and think about the rest...

I'll see you in 2 weeks.

one week...

task one completed but still unable to address the main situation.

I have quietly been laughing at myself.

trying to get back into my normal life post the last few weeks.

Working out, running, taking a million pictures no one sees, writing, actually riding my Moto....and connecting with people who have been trying to connect yet I have closed them out.

It feels pretty good and soothing...not stressful.

questioning if this is apathy...that I don't care what he will think....or is it the start of a fuller independence?

Independence wise I threw 80 bags of mulch down around the huge ass yard, because this is what you do around here....I packed more things in case I want to just walk away.

looked at studios and such even though people say....

you shouldn't move...

you should get to stay.

maybe I don't want to 

4/8/19

post mulch...no makeup...no filter...just me...

Feel free to offer any advice, article , love, you may have in the comments.

I'm open.

my heart is open.

my humor is there....

ha

write ya later,

m