When the heart is broken, non working, unable, a piece of crap for so long....
one starts to figure out ways to feel again.
to feel like a person again....
to see if it's worthy...
not just the heart....
but your soul, and your person
you begin to question are you not only lovable again....
are you even fucking likable?
Are you too weird in the head to let people in?
Have you buried your thoughts for so long they have become a deviant, hot mess 6 inches below the surface and if someone gets that magic key and opens the door...
lord have mercy...
they are no way going to be ready.
even if they adore you from the outside....
the inside...
is
not
safe
but yet as I have been told,
"it is unfortunate that you have this amazing body and are so fun...
and yet....
it's still connected to your brain"
Yes....
all this....
it unfortunately comes with my personality too....
sorry
you are awesome, you are beautiful, fucking amazing....
but...
always....
but....
last call girl
friend to all
always awake
always here
talkable
perfectly fun
"but I can never be with you,
I know too much....
we don't mesh...
our ideals are different...
you would never fit in with my friends...."
"send me a pic...
talk to me....
come spend the night...."
now I learn how to be
how to maybe love again
how to choose wisely
how to laugh
how to touch
how to let go
xo
write ya later
I got this
slow and steady wins the race
m
This is bad etiquette. In most realities it is known as burning bridges.
In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.
well, as of now anyways.
I have people come and go in my life and that is expected.
Dealing with the changes has been challenging.
I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.
Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...
"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.
It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.
Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?
or do they actually care?
Are they playing me?
well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.
I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....
yet, I tend not to.
It's ok...
Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery.
One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross. I believe it is okay. I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.
I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great. late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.
These are the kind of people I adore.
Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...
Wish they were closer to hang with...
but they are not.
One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.
It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.
My response to this is: if you care about someone...
Continue to do so.
People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...
Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.
Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.
A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.
Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.
Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.
As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine.
Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...
and I so wanted to help...
to be a friend, lover, and confidant.
then the realization was that I cannot fix people.
I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?
I think it is/was just me.
My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.
For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.
I need people in my life.
I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...
I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.
In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day. I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.
Until then,
people will come and go
lovers will come and go
but I will be here for myself
and if I need someone to stay
I should ask.
I do need people to stay
Please stay....
"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future. Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."
amen sister
xo
write ya later....
m
ps. this song is for you
p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini
I woke from the dream and realized I had moved across the expanse of the bed and was pushed up against him. Bare skin of my backside, curled against his front
Dreaming of warmth and safety,
skin to skin touching
warmth
so warm and perfectly fitting...sleep
I was wakened as he was attempting to turn away from my touch,
gently untangling the legs I had naturally wrapped around his.
As he used the excuse to leave the bed for the bathroom I found myself embarrassed...
scooting back to my cold sleepless area of the bed, I glanced at the clock and wondered when I had pulled off my sleep clothes.
2:12 am ....my most hated hour of non sleep.
So tired, cold, even under the heated blanket.... and very very alone.
Returned to bed and turning away, I am left to think.
Let it go. No tears, it's 2 am and you have to be up in a few hours to work.
Loveless is a a term I cannot say, because I do not feel this way.
Rejected Marriage may be more apropos. Sex, less than 10 times a year, in a shared bed and no intimate connection puts me into a realm I am unable to discuss with anyone, even therapists.
4 times...4 times
I question me, now....my heart , my body, my brain....often my sanity.
Crying in private has become coping.
I listen to others express how even in anger there is intimacy
There is no anger...just apathy. just inconvenience.
Whispers at parties in my ear..." I hope he knows how lucky he is..., I wish my wife ( insert anything here)"...
heart broken.
I am not weak, I am loving...
some days I wake thinking, " just accept it"
I cannot correct this
This is not for me to correct.
It is going to work itself out.
It will
For now, I just live and love.
I have a few bright spots in my life
and I am trying not to lose them,
Or for them to walk away...
this is a test of patience and kindness, for me.
The need for conversation and thoughts outside my head is strong...
understanding and just conversation about everyday life would help my soul
Profoundly enough, the bed is one of the most basic staples of life.
Through out life the bed holds the secrets of many things.
As a teen my bed was a haven, a haven where my girlfriends and I talked, laughed, planned and laid next to each other whispering about the day; secrets which were sworn to never leave the room. The bed was a fortress of safety and future endeavors.
Even at 19, I knew a bed was a necessity. A true sign of adulthood, regardless of how adult I felt, I was never above taking someone's used mattress as my own. Nothing a new set of used sheets wouldn't fix. In my 20's in Atlanta I had an old hospital bed, which I adored. Metal frame, rickety, and I spray painted it white myself....covering up the history carried from the old Atlanta mental ward. Now, it would be considered "Shabby Chic" but then....it was not only amazing, but so perfectly me....it fit me, and me only.
Scarves and old rosaries dangled from the metal headboard and footboard. The bed was mine. I found it , coveted it, and it brought me great nights of sleep.
As I began to date, I was always amazed how many young men did not have a bed. A mattress on the floor was often the case, and for me.... a no go. Bunk Beds? OK, at least it is off the floor, But a couch? no.
The Bed....
One needs a Bed
for fucking, learning, possibly sleeping, but mostly fucking....
A safety spot, a refuge, a personal womb.
As of date I have had many beds and bed frames, but have yet to acquire the safety my little metal bed, which was mine alone, brought me.
Sleep is not encouraged by my current bed, nor safety. I cannot figure it out.
My bed looks as if it should foster everything one needs to dream and rejuvenate the soul.
expensive sheets, heated blankets, multiple pillows, light, darkness, comforters and even up and down controls.
but sleep doesn't come.
I recently met a person who swore by the bed they had.
The Perfect Bed.
The Bed You Never Left
The Bed Which Allowed Sleep for Days.
A mystical unicorn of beds.
When I finally was invited to look at this bed I became a believer of the respite a bed can bring.... even though I have yet to experience, as an adult, a bed as such.
This bed was soft, it was cozy, it was perfect size, it was warm, the pillows were soft and the bed purred the lucky recipient into a perfect REM dream sleep.
perfect size for one to two or three....
whatever the fancy.
music, darkness, and the perfect airflow.
Unicorn Bed
Through life:
We start in a tiny bed ....
everything we need and want, right outside baby reach
In our middle life the bed is where we connect, make love and find our hearts and dreams...
and as we lay dying:
the bed we are in becomes all we know.
It becomes our last connection to life.
people visit, memories pass, and eternal sleep ensues.
