Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

A Password to Remember, or not.

How did we become so secretive? It's a strange thing to think about. Back in the day, the spouse would have a secret affair and actually have to plan it out to make it work. Cover their tracks, find a clandestine (you like that word?) hotel to meet. It was actually work. I'm sure just the mere thought of all that work kept some people honestly safe. Too lazy to even go out and get some on the side.

I like that.

Makes me feel safe. See, I am horribly insecure in my relationship, as you may have noticed from past posts. In many old relationships I was the last to know....and being the last to know is not just painfully idiotic and heart wounding, but also puts a nice big imprint on your frontal lobe which will never let you move past, sideways, or around a similar situation without fear. I'm like Pavlov's Dog. I remember...ouch...I remember.

The Internet, iPhones, Texting, Facebook, Craigslist, Ashley Madison...you name it, it has removed any sort of safety net within a relationship. A click of the phone and a naked picture can be sent (just for fun), or a little online back and forth chit chatting can make the mundane life at the office seem even worse. I have friends which you email or text and they send something back within , let's say, 2 minutes. To me, that suggests either they have absolutely nothing going on in their life, they are too occupied with the phone, or they are waiting for someone fabulous to text them and I happen to be stuck in the middle. It bothers me.



It bothers me that we all have our own "accounts". How many of you know your significant others passwords or accounts? I don't, and when I do, I check them...and usually find weird shit and think, that is exactly what I get for looking. I have one email account which I've had since computers were invented and this blogger account...he has my passwords. I have stopped using Myspace, can't figure out Twitter, I hardly use my cell phone, and I never chat...because I'm not to be trusted. I would chat with Charles Manson if he IM'd me. Seriously. I have no boundries, because things are too easy. All You have to do is IM me and say, "wow,I love your typing skills" and I'm hooked. Online affair at it's finest. If I'm that easy, I can only imagine how the men are. A few emails and naked picture, who could pass that up? Not any man I know. ( let me clear something up, when women send pictures, it's to get you to notice, when men send pictures to women...it's freaky. I don't want to see your flagpole in a 2 inch shot on my iPhone...it freaks me out)
I don't want to find myself in a predicament like John Edwards wife...."What? you have a love child?! How the hell do you have time for that? OHHHHHHHHH? you met her on Myspace, sent a few dirty pictures then met at the hotel across from the Pentagon??...The little colonial looking hotel? Wow, and I thought you were at work, campaigning across America. I know I have put on a bit of midsection weight, but a child?!! and she's 6 months old!? I have been fighting Cancer, I thought you loved me............you couldn't have waited 6 more months until I'm dead?

Yeah, sucks...it's a wee bit embarrassing. See, you don't need time and planning anymore. You just twitter a meeting spot or look up a "non prostitute" on Craigslist, how about a girl who will date you for a donation?...and you are done. No one needs to know the wiser, and how could they? They don't have your password.

Monday giveway winner

Carolyn!!! I'll be sending off the video (and a little extra) as soon as I get address :)
I hope you use it and love it...if not you can regift it!

yahOOooOo
myssi