I'm watching this silly show on Hulu called Shrill.
There is a part of the show where they are camping, and she cant pee outside....so, he says
" How about if I pee here with you?"
it works, and if this isn't one of those weird silly things you do when falling in love, then what is it?
Watching people fall in love....well, it just melts me. I'm a sucker for love....
With that said ,
the Gym is slowing easing into my heart. Not like ooey gooey love, but more like..."Ok, I'm feeling ya deadlifts....I'm ready for you box squats". Like easing into a love where you weren't super sure but it grows on you....and it's not bad.
I'm on week 3 and I'm learning a little bit... not only about what I can do, even when I don't want to....but a little bit about finding my quiet inner peace in which I fight with constantly.
My mind never stops....it counts steps, bites, it solves math problems while driving, and then.....
out of the blue....it shuts down, usually while I am driving home from work, and I start to doze.
WHILE DRIVING...
I digress
the gym....I'm finding that once I get past the front door, with my workout instructions in hand my mind starts to calm.
5 sets, 12 reps,
brain says....you can do it...push... then check it off your list.
My mind says, Girl, you are strong, and every time you show up, you are a better person for your self.
Truth.
It's a bit of new found inner peace...
I have to slow down, I have to plan self care even though in my head, at the end of a 12 hour shift I say, " Im tired, I can't today...." Then I remember my promise to myself.
Start Do Finish
And with this new inner peace, I have found a bit of sleep. A tiny bite of respite.
This is bad etiquette. In most realities it is known as burning bridges.
In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.
well, as of now anyways.
I have people come and go in my life and that is expected.
Dealing with the changes has been challenging.
I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.
Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...
"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.
It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.
Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?
or do they actually care?
Are they playing me?
well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.
I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....
yet, I tend not to.
It's ok...
Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery.
One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross. I believe it is okay. I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.
I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great. late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.
These are the kind of people I adore.
Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...
Wish they were closer to hang with...
but they are not.
One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.
It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.
My response to this is: if you care about someone...
Continue to do so.
People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...
Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.
Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.
A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.
Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.
Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.
As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine.
Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...
and I so wanted to help...
to be a friend, lover, and confidant.
then the realization was that I cannot fix people.
I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?
I think it is/was just me.
My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.
For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.
I need people in my life.
I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...
I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.
In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day. I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.
Until then,
people will come and go
lovers will come and go
but I will be here for myself
and if I need someone to stay
I should ask.
I do need people to stay
Please stay....
"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future. Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."
amen sister
xo
write ya later....
m
ps. this song is for you
p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini
