Sage That Shit

 Or at least Fabuloso it.

I woke up this morning and said,

 "up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here. 

You have an amazing family that needs you,

Let's perk up and 

Live"

so....

up I am,

cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.

I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.

It's my absolute favorite time of year, 

Spring

new beginnings....

and I am going to cherish it

I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.

Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around

I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.

Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,

yet I still think about them.

stupid empath qualities.

We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends

and then

one of the couple got Covid

I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....

but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.

I'm clearing my list day by day.

Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.

As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso

I am starting to feel better.

I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss

I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think

I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)

I wish people would stop by a bit more 

and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new

new. 

that's where we are right now today

starting this little journey new

xo

write ya later 

m

and yes,

new days 

new experiences

new feelings and

it's going to be ok

more postitive vibes

m

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.

It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time

In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...

I just called it life.

Things could only be great for so long....

then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.

it was reality.

Like this:

find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,

shit will still happen.

Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...

sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.

2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....

to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.

"life is short"

"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"

and some of this......

"you will never do it"

"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"

"go ahead...try it"

bitch

with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....

or let me write....

write....

write....

It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....

is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.

the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.

lessons in life

lessons in love

lesson for the heart, body, soul.

For one amazing good thing gained...

Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...

no, you are not experiencing Karma....

that is not how it works

but I think it may actually be.

but ,

good is happening 

he keeps me smiling all day.

he touches me in a way I have never been touched

he checks on me

at all hours,

he cancels all of my fears....

over and over again

without 

wavering.

trust 

nothing to hide

open book

canceling out karma

with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...

maybe time running out 

is a gift

xo,

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find
m

listen....

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin

The fragile heart you protected for so long

Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong

It's not your hands searching slow in the dark

Or your nails leaving love's watermark

It's not the way you talk me off the roof

Your questions like directions to the truth

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke

And laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

One day you'll be gone

365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

365 days: baby hands

2/8/19

Baby hands.   💙

People never believe I raised 2 of these,
until they hand me one

I may be a bitch but I'm not
heartless



picture you later,
xo,

m

on my damn mind

It's Tuesday night.   

Taco Tuesday to be exact ,

 but that , for one Tuesday,

 is not what I am thinking about.

Tonight.... I am thinking about the wrinkles in my legs.  

WTF ....

Wrinkles. 

I said it. No one acknowledges, but I said it .   I was doing a bit of stretching, bent over and thought "shit holes.  That skin is my mom's skin. MOTHERFUCKER." 

I'm ok, I have recovered. I applied generous amounts of lotion, had 2 beers, and remembered no one is looking at my legs anymore.  See, this would be a tragedy if I was 32....or even 42...But I am now 49.  shit happens, so they say.

my legs in my eyes.

We get older, it happens. We are supposed to age gracefully, to embrace our age, yet at this age it's a mother fucker.  I am with someone. So, I guess in reality it doesn't matter. He doesn't;t look at me any ways, but if I was single I'd be pissed.  All these men in their late 40's dating 25year olds.  Ugh. 

have you looked around at the dating pool lately. not so good for middle class middle America.

Well, at least for women.  ( I guess it depends on what you are looking for)

In my eyes, it is pretty slim.

Back to my legs and body.
I'm heading to Mexico in a few weeks and would like to feel good about myself.  I have been working out and back to fairly clean eating. I'll keep you posted on the progress.
I am old...no one is looking, but I look.  I judge myself.
we will talk about that in a later post.

Mexico.
It's on my mind.
I'm hoping it will rekindle some  of the other half's interest in me.  Away from the daily world, maybe he can find a minute to look, listen and touch me again.
I guess I'll find out.
Til the end of summer I said.
One can only do so much

write ya later,
m

365 days of my life #53

Itoot 11 th birthday gifts! well received :), originally uploaded by v8grrl.

We love her soooooo much

We are now trying to figure out how to send her 3 brothers and 2 sisters gifts also, because it just doesn't seem right to send to just one child.

The Father sent us a note in her last letter that was so heart felt it made me cry.

"he prays we care for Itoot and his family for a long time"

and we will.

xoxoxo

the best 35$ a month I have ever spent!

World Vision