365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

It's just fucking tacos

     Everyday seems to become more of a WTF moment in life. Ya know, ya try to get your meditation in, workout, be kind, then someone forgets your goddamn tacos on Taco Tuesday.

No shit....it can really mess a family up.

We ventured out to our favorite nameless taco joint in our town for the Taco Tuesday 1$ tacos. Just to be clear, we go all the time, not just for cheap tacos.

We made the mistake of heading in a little later than usual so it was the big rush.

We waited the standard 45 minutes to sit....it's fine, pretty normal around here. Sat down, ordered drinks and chips and salsa.  So far so good. Placed our order, then proceeded to watch multiple tables get their food and leave while we still sat there. Being a former waitress, I should have asked earlier, but being a female who never blames anyone else kept me from asking, "Where's my TACOs???"

1.5 hours went by for 6 tacos and the waitress finally came by to see how everything was.  

I just looked right at her and said " what's going on....it's been almost 2 hours for 6 tacos" 

She about died.  She thought we had all ready eaten and we were just taking up space.  At that point I felt bad...  this is what waitressing nightmares are made of.  ( if you ever waited tables you know what I'm talking about).  She apologized and went to see what had happened ...she came back mortified and said it was her fault (brave lil mother fucker), she forgot to out the order in.

For the record.... I did not freak out..... I did the even worse thing.  

I calmly said..." It's ok, it's cool, can we have the check for our 3 beers , chips and salsa, and soda? I have to get up in 5 hours for work "  She went, came back and said the owner was buying us everything and gave us comp tickets for next visit.   This is always a nice gesture, but not necessary.  The other half sat silently across the table.  I made the decision to leave....I could not sit there 30 minutes more to wait for 6 tacos.

Sad part is.....it was 9pm.  no more Taco Tuesday open in our little town after 830. I knew I had opened a can of worms with my decision. 

As we walked out the silent other half turned into a 2 year old, break down city....which I understand, but grown men should not act as such. "Fine , I guess I won't eat tonight....I don't want to cook so I guess, just fine. "

Then decided to write a scathing review of our favorite restaruant and post it.  

I guess this story is 2 or 3 fold. 

1. shit happens.  Was I a bit peeved? yes, but mistakes happen, we are all human and it was just fucking tacos.  I just didn't want to sit anymore....I have been up since 4 am, I'm tired. 

2. More often than not I start seeing assholeyness in people that I really wish I didn't. I don't care for childish, footstomping behavior from grown men.  It's like screaming when they see a spider.  It just isn't working for me anymore.

3. It's just fucking tacos.

4 unrelated: Today I realized when someone said, " there is nothing like disrobing a man in a suit to have good sex".  hmmmm  Like James Bond style? I have never in my life had sex with a man who wears a suit.  I have never even been with a man who wears a nice suit, let alone take one off of someone. 

I'll just dwell on that for a while. Remember , it's just fucking tacos....shit happens , and if you are a man....just deal with the spider, please.

write you later,

m