I woke from the dream and realized I had moved across the expanse of the bed and was pushed up against him. Bare skin of my backside, curled against his front
Dreaming of warmth and safety,
skin to skin touching
warmth
so warm and perfectly fitting...sleep
I was wakened as he was attempting to turn away from my touch,
gently untangling the legs I had naturally wrapped around his.
As he used the excuse to leave the bed for the bathroom I found myself embarrassed...
scooting back to my cold sleepless area of the bed, I glanced at the clock and wondered when I had pulled off my sleep clothes.
2:12 am ....my most hated hour of non sleep.
So tired, cold, even under the heated blanket.... and very very alone.
Returned to bed and turning away, I am left to think.
Let it go. No tears, it's 2 am and you have to be up in a few hours to work.
Loveless is a a term I cannot say, because I do not feel this way.
Rejected Marriage may be more apropos. Sex, less than 10 times a year, in a shared bed and no intimate connection puts me into a realm I am unable to discuss with anyone, even therapists.
4 times...4 times
I question me, now....my heart , my body, my brain....often my sanity.
Crying in private has become coping.
I listen to others express how even in anger there is intimacy
There is no anger...just apathy. just inconvenience.
Whispers at parties in my ear..." I hope he knows how lucky he is..., I wish my wife ( insert anything here)"...
heart broken.
I am not weak, I am loving...
some days I wake thinking, " just accept it"
I cannot correct this
This is not for me to correct.
It is going to work itself out.
It will
For now, I just live and love.
I have a few bright spots in my life
and I am trying not to lose them,
Or for them to walk away...
this is a test of patience and kindness, for me.
The need for conversation and thoughts outside my head is strong...
understanding and just conversation about everyday life would help my soul
I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today
2/4/19
This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.
It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.
Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.
The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer. All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.
This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from.
I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there. Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....
but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready.
Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...
and when it's time to knit another sock....
it may not be perfect, but it will be better.
It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.
I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern. This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.
I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"
happy little mistakes.
( I think she got that from Bob Ross)
( from Etsy.com somewhere)
There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.
I destroyed them....
yup, my fault entirely...
Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.
As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore. The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.
Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.
Really make it work.
It's only fair.
The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;
I can't be mad at myself. No one is ever that great at something new. It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.
Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.
What would you think if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song and i'll try not to sing out of key. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends What do i do when my love is away (does it worry you to be alone?) how do i feel by the end of the day, (are you sad because you're on your own?) No, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i need somebody to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Would you believe in a love at first sight yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time what do you see when you turn out the light i can't tell you but i know it's mine, Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i just need someone to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends.
We all have a story as such. A beautiful love story which occurs when there is not a possible right thing to do short of drastic risk. Memories which always come back as "What if's", tears, and lessons learned. We all have a story, each and every one of us.
....are you ok?.....
hmmmm, what is this, who is this?
......pertaining to what you said....you sounded....well, not ok.
Jesus Criminy, I thought I deleted that. I know I deleted that. Yes , I was mad....hurt, pissed, sad, and I had to get it out. To a world of non people, who I don't know and will never meet. It's frightening, yet exhilarating to just dump it into the world and no one really knows you, so no damages can come from it.
But someone did notice and he was intriguing. His short conversations were honest but guarded. Easy banter among friends. Especially easy when you really don't 'know' the person.
I remember when it turned the corner.
......what are you doing? , did you know you are hanging out right around the corner from me?.....
No, I'm seeing a band.
......yeah, you just posted and I live right around the corner, I could come up......
pause, ~~heart racing~~
NO. I'm good, it's late, I'm not staying much longer.
But the feeling was exhilarating, but also wrong. I was in a committed relationship, regardless of the up and many downs. I always have kept the faith that the downs will turn around and my relationship at home will be better. I do have morals, I think, or at least my brain has morals, my heart thinks differently.
then next morning, before I was even awake.....
......I love that picture of you working out on the carpet....
( huh,? that picture is 3 years old). Hey, that's an old picture , what ? did you do go through all my pictures, weirdo?
......yeah
All 3000?
......pretty much.
(inside smile, and a chuckle) weirdo.
This was our friendship. Banter online at any given time. He was a late owl, I was an early bird, he was a meat eater, I was not; which in agreement made our friendship incompatible from the beginning.
But he made me smile, laugh, think, and encouraged me, probably unbeknownst to him, more than anyone in my family ever did. He noticed things and held me accountable when I was wrong. I could count on him to acknowledge life and cool little corners of it in a similar way as my own. His photos of his day to day life caught my eye and I felt an odd connection with another person who saw life in pictures and words....simple pictures and words.
I don't remember how we first spoke, mostly through funny banter and an occasional message about our day? I don't remember the first time I noticed his comments, but upon looking back, it must have been about 2 years. 2 years. That is a long time for chit chat. The friendship was inevitably going to change one way or another.
Everyday seems to become more of a WTF moment in life. Ya know, ya try to get your meditation in, workout, be kind, then someone forgets your goddamn tacos on Taco Tuesday.
No shit....it can really mess a family up.
We ventured out to our favorite nameless taco joint in our town for the Taco Tuesday 1$ tacos. Just to be clear, we go all the time, not just for cheap tacos.
We made the mistake of heading in a little later than usual so it was the big rush.
We waited the standard 45 minutes to sit....it's fine, pretty normal around here. Sat down, ordered drinks and chips and salsa. So far so good. Placed our order, then proceeded to watch multiple tables get their food and leave while we still sat there. Being a former waitress, I should have asked earlier, but being a female who never blames anyone else kept me from asking, "Where's my TACOs???"
1.5 hours went by for 6 tacos and the waitress finally came by to see how everything was.
I just looked right at her and said " what's going on....it's been almost 2 hours for 6 tacos"
She about died. She thought we had all ready eaten and we were just taking up space. At that point I felt bad... this is what waitressing nightmares are made of. ( if you ever waited tables you know what I'm talking about). She apologized and went to see what had happened ...she came back mortified and said it was her fault (brave lil mother fucker), she forgot to out the order in.
For the record.... I did not freak out..... I did the even worse thing.
I calmly said..." It's ok, it's cool, can we have the check for our 3 beers , chips and salsa, and soda? I have to get up in 5 hours for work " She went, came back and said the owner was buying us everything and gave us comp tickets for next visit. This is always a nice gesture, but not necessary. The other half sat silently across the table. I made the decision to leave....I could not sit there 30 minutes more to wait for 6 tacos.
Sad part is.....it was 9pm. no more Taco Tuesday open in our little town after 830. I knew I had opened a can of worms with my decision.
As we walked out the silent other half turned into a 2 year old, break down city....which I understand, but grown men should not act as such. "Fine , I guess I won't eat tonight....I don't want to cook so I guess, just fine. "
Then decided to write a scathing review of our favorite restaruant and post it.
I guess this story is 2 or 3 fold.
1. shit happens. Was I a bit peeved? yes, but mistakes happen, we are all human and it was just fucking tacos. I just didn't want to sit anymore....I have been up since 4 am, I'm tired.
2. More often than not I start seeing assholeyness in people that I really wish I didn't. I don't care for childish, footstomping behavior from grown men. It's like screaming when they see a spider. It just isn't working for me anymore.
3. It's just fucking tacos.
4 unrelated: Today I realized when someone said, " there is nothing like disrobing a man in a suit to have good sex". hmmmm Like James Bond style? I have never in my life had sex with a man who wears a suit. I have never even been with a man who wears a nice suit, let alone take one off of someone.
I'll just dwell on that for a while. Remember , it's just fucking tacos....shit happens , and if you are a man....just deal with the spider, please.
