I'm cooking

Almost every night I cook dinner for the family and me.

I still feel it's important to sit at the dinner table and eat together.

Even if sometimes we don't talk.

Its a chance to check in, help each other in the kitchen, and know that we are all still here in the house.

I used to love to cook.  I would think about what I was going to cook starting when I woke up.

I'm not sure when it changed, but I find cooking now tedious, unless I'm totally into it.

I often have to cook 2 different meals due to the fact B is not vegetarian.

My skills at cooking meat are not poor. The issue is that B does not really like meat....so he is hard to cook for.

I have attempted everything and I know I'm not a horrible cook, because I have cooked for others and they love it.

I feel, just as anyone else, planning ahead is key to healthy eating and not being overly pissed off when you have to cook a meal.

Tonight I made this stuff:

I was gifted one of those fancy spiralizer things and it was actually pretty awesome.

I carefully shredded up 2 small zucchini and only got my thumb once.

Sautéed in olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper.

I plated it up and topped with a veggie burger, spicy pickles, rooster sauce and half a nice perfect avocado.

It was tasty.

and it only took about 20 minutes.

I'm guessing it was fairly healthy.

After dinner, I finished reading this book

Catering to men, it addresses what society has put onto the shoulders of our men and why they are having a difficult time in present day.

But guess what?

I must be part male because that stuff pertained to me in a weird way.

These masks, ugh, the masks!

Now, not only do I have daily life conundrums, 

I have mask worry.

I don't really need any more worries.

all in all, the day was ok. Cooked, finished a book, finished one knitted sock (which did not fit), dwelled on the situation at hand and still did not initiate a much needed conversation.

WTF?

O, is at a friends and today would have been a good time...

but I'm scared. 

what is wrong with me!

Don't answer that.....

please

write ya later,

xo 

m

This song....

It helped today, 

learnt and burnt

Bittersweet
~~~~ the emotion that joins joy and sadness

"girl, you gonna get your sweet lil ass learnt and burnt, actin the fool"

#truth

An old friend used to sit me down and give me that little above piece of advice...., well not really, he would actually yell it across the Bar I worked in Atlanta with a waggle of his big finger......whenever I was trusting my heart before my head.
"girl baby, why you do this to yourself? You got too many feels to be out there passin your heart around....when you gonna learn?"

I thought about that the other day.
Apparently I am not.
As I slowly saunter through my current situation my heart swells with so much emotion I can't ever contain it.  I sat with piece of paper, writing
good vs bad....
benefits vs dumb....
heart vs reality.....
There is no easy way out, except to not do anything ,and that in return is a death sentence on my heart and soul. Which the more I talk about it, write it out, and think.....I'm not willing to sacrifice.
I call my sister and discuss the benefits and the risks and her answers are always the same
" M, you are figuring it out, I am listening to you do this on your own, it's taking more time than the average person....but honestly, it is because you care to much"
My other Sissy says to me," you have put up with way more than any average person would have....you know it is time....Just make sure this is what you want and that you will be ok with the outcome. I am not worried about your survival skills, you are a survivor of shit situations, you will be fine."

These women are correct.
I do not want to hurt him....or his masculinity. I want him to be able to continue to do what he loves, and I want to see him be happy.
Do I want to see him leave me and immediately meet a 27 year old and make 100K a year, no.
But that is not very nice of me to think that.

because it is my birthday week I cannot start a discussion.
but I can lay it out for myself.

I used to look into the future and see us sitting on the beach in our little chairs, enjoying life, riding motorcycles, laughing about good times, and living simple. I do not see that anymore. When I think of that, I get frustrated and think about how sad it would be to spend my fun years with someone who cannot see the sunshine through the rain.
I cannot do it.

Now, I think about myself, and O, in a small apartment. getting by and making do.
I want to make sure O is on a good path, and in one way, she needs to see people together who love each other.
I'm ok with having to work extra to get by and take care of O, although it would be nice to just move to Denver and live in a studio and just be.

I am also ok with not being with anyone again.

This was a question my sissy brought up.
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life single?, because 50 is not really the age men are looking for."
Yes.  If I can be me, and just do my thing, I guess so.
It's ok. I know, and although my initial thought is that I am so full of love, it will be a bummer...But I'll be fine.
I did not want to go to my grave without passionately kissing anyone ever again or having someone touch me , really touch me....
but I took care of that.
so, I guess...I'm good.
bittersweet

So, for my birthday
I have made a decision.

and yes , I am sorry for anyone reading this malarky....but it is what it is

write ya later,
xo,
m

Finished projects woop woop

Today I finally completed 2 projects which have been sitting around.

First one was a light hat for Ilin's bald head.  It's my own pattern so nothing to link it to…just happy it's done.

 The kid loves purple and grey…so it is perfect.

Second project is the Alice and Wonderland Wristlets from VO Knits.  Check out those awesome buttons….so cute.  I can't wait to wear them this winter with my long sleeve black t shirts.

So nice to finish a few things…feels so good.  

Now I have one more fingerless mitt to finish and I'll have another project done!

happy knitting

xo

m

I just walked in the door from my last clinical this semester. I look like shit...I'm tired...But I am DONE!!!!!

with this semester...no more clinicals!!! woop woop...that means no more working for free...this semester...

you know...like Doctors do...but I'm not a Doctor...not even close.

I don't care, I have my wine and am throwing my "Blue Student Uniform" into the garbage....i mean Laundry...not to be touched until next year! SWEEEET

No more free Foley emptying for anyone for the next 9 weeks. If you need some sort of health help, you gotta pay. I am back...back with time to write