hey.... Don't fool yourself..... listen

maybe not mazzy ....but listen 

While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.

Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her,
Was sober with no place to go.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
All of my pain when I think back to when.

Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over
You won't ever need her again.

But don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.

Oh she was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

Advice:The Good the Bad and the Ugly

Me....

The Good, the Bad , and the oh so Ugly

But wait....

don't run away, I'm trying to fix it...

well, to fix what I can....To adjust and try to 

"clean up my side of the street"

mike kloepfer

"is this a midlife crisis?...seriously?"

Well, M, for women, 50 is the middle and you are having a crisis, so to me...this is the exact definition of midlife crisis.

"Thank God I'm not paying for this therapy... hahaha"

I'm here to help.

M, let's talk about it.  As I hear you, you are not in crisis mode, but you are in a change mode. This we can deal with rationally and , as you like, in steps.

I like it.  

No crisis, bo panic....just one step at a time.

So, as we discussed my current situation as it had fallen the past couple of weeks I was in a more stable situation.  Head has cleared a bit, my panic for my son has settled into just an underlying fear and I am back out into my habitat of doing....

I got a trainer at the gym

Rode the motorcycle

Read

Went out without crying

and had time to be 

Therapist was good with all that

So, we got back at the task at hand. What do I do? Is it as terrible as my mind is having me think....?

Do I just need to re-evaluate and come at things at a different angle, do I accept these things?

Or do I plan a change...

change?....change....

M, you cannot change him...he is not here and I do not care for couples therapy.

What do you think about  for your near future?

"I think that I am getting old. Things are not horrible, I don't mind the roommate aspect because I have some ambient noise that keeps me calm....but I need more intimacy, connection and support."

(to keep this post short...here was the discussion and tasks)

" I want to accept my role in life, my mistakes, my personality and my things I honestly want to change....I don't want to change anyone...I'm learning, that is not my job in this life."

The session was quite eyeopening and helpful.  Just as I cannot read other's minds , they cannot read mine.  As I type this little bit of knowledge I am doing in so to laugh a bit and own it.

1. Please and thank you..."it's manners"

It is ridiculous that I think my friends know I mean "please and thank you"...everyone likes to be graciously acknowledged and that includes me, so I need to start realizing my bossy ass must do this.

I know I am bossy so I am going to try to tame that shit down too.

In terms of bossy....we discussed how growng up with 8 older brothers and 3 older sisters and a Mom who raised strong opinionated kids, I was expected to say what I needed and what I wanted.

Knowing where this comes from, maybe I can stop it.  You don't have to be bossy to be assertive. BOOM... knowledge

 2. Intimacy starts with conversation 

Conversation...??

Use open ended questions and ....here it is, the game changer for me....

open ended and then shut the fuck up.

Sir, I'm not sure....nervous I suppose....

3. Let's get your side of the street clean.

This THIS this right here....

Three years and O will be on her own numerically.  

"But I can't wait that long..."

M, it may take you that long to get your side of the street clean.  When you walk away you do not want to be dragging a trash bag with you.  You want to know your side was clean and that you looked it all over and did what you could to make it tidy and ok for the next person. 

You cannot clean the other side, that is for the other person.

So, I have my little poker stick and bag, and I'm wandering back and forth....picking up my mistakes and bullshit. Talking to people and saying , "hey correct me gently when I do that , ok? I want to be a better person and it's gonna take some work."

The last bit of time was talking about my heart. 

What do I see? Who do I see? What do I want?

We discussed my need for closeness, intimacy and touch.

She validated that.  

THAT, M is a real thing, that is NOT asking for too much, and honestly I cannot say I would put up with as much as you have, or lack of.

"But what do I do?"

Keep cleaning, we talked about the people in your life, your loves, your friends. Your needs are justifiable, maybe you try and discuss it.

"I cannot, it causes a fight, makes me feel small, makes me feel gross, makes me feel unwanted, makes me feel pointless"

M, there are people, from what I can tell, who are waiting for you. Have the discussion. It's not crisis, it is life...and life is not meant for guilt, it is to be enjoyed in whatever manner you have decided is for you....

Andrew Petcher

I have homework this week 

I sweep, I write the letters, I manage my tone and my heart....

and see what happens.

Write ya later,

m

ps:

I miss you

365 days: baby hands

2/8/19

Baby hands.   💙

People never believe I raised 2 of these,
until they hand me one

I may be a bitch but I'm not
heartless



picture you later,
xo,

m

I'm cooking

Almost every night I cook dinner for the family and me.

I still feel it's important to sit at the dinner table and eat together.

Even if sometimes we don't talk.

Its a chance to check in, help each other in the kitchen, and know that we are all still here in the house.

I used to love to cook.  I would think about what I was going to cook starting when I woke up.

I'm not sure when it changed, but I find cooking now tedious, unless I'm totally into it.

I often have to cook 2 different meals due to the fact B is not vegetarian.

My skills at cooking meat are not poor. The issue is that B does not really like meat....so he is hard to cook for.

I have attempted everything and I know I'm not a horrible cook, because I have cooked for others and they love it.

I feel, just as anyone else, planning ahead is key to healthy eating and not being overly pissed off when you have to cook a meal.

Tonight I made this stuff:

I was gifted one of those fancy spiralizer things and it was actually pretty awesome.

I carefully shredded up 2 small zucchini and only got my thumb once.

Sautéed in olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper.

I plated it up and topped with a veggie burger, spicy pickles, rooster sauce and half a nice perfect avocado.

It was tasty.

and it only took about 20 minutes.

I'm guessing it was fairly healthy.

After dinner, I finished reading this book

Catering to men, it addresses what society has put onto the shoulders of our men and why they are having a difficult time in present day.

But guess what?

I must be part male because that stuff pertained to me in a weird way.

These masks, ugh, the masks!

Now, not only do I have daily life conundrums, 

I have mask worry.

I don't really need any more worries.

all in all, the day was ok. Cooked, finished a book, finished one knitted sock (which did not fit), dwelled on the situation at hand and still did not initiate a much needed conversation.

WTF?

O, is at a friends and today would have been a good time...

but I'm scared. 

what is wrong with me!

Don't answer that.....

please

write ya later,

xo 

m

This song....

It helped today, 

life as I see it....

Honesty is the best policy.  

I like it.  Unless you are to be telling someone they are fat. Don't do that, lie...because they probably all ready know.

But, for other daily situations, try to be honest. 

This year I went back and looked at my calendar ( and yes, I'm female....I keep a calendar for everything ...because you just never know)

My calendar let me review the fact that I have had sex 4 times in the last 2 years. 

I'm not sure those statistics are adequate to sustain life, but I do believe it makes me a virgin again.

That is a plus.

Life is busy and sometimes we forget about the important stuff, then it gets to a point where you can't really address the situation anymore.  You stop thinking about it and just start going on with your life....that part just shuts down.  

One day you wake up and you go,

"wait a minute mother fucker, you are far from dead! " 

so, you shave your legs, pluck your eyebrows,  take care of the random chin hairs that you can still see,  buy new underwear and try to ignore the cellulite.

Then you realize, you are not single.

what the hell are you doing....you are not old enough to plead dementia

So, you put your old underwear back on.

apologize to your eyebrows you just plucked, pubic hair your trimmed and shaved, and decide to just let it go.

fuckit.

it's not that important

Life is fine.

even if you never planned on having a "roommate"

It could be worse.

roommates are fine.

at 49, I'm hoping sex is overrated....because I don't remember anymore.

(must be the dementia)

xo, 

write ya later

m

It's been a goddamn while....

     Seems like every year I pop this thing back open and start to peck away at the keyboard. I have not felt the urge to write or expel the secrets to life lately...but I have been inspired by something and someone.
     It is amazing when you meet someone that brings out a different side than usual and it is quite refreshing.  I feel that after laying dormant for so long having someone say, "Hey, look around, things are awesome, you are awesome, life is pretty damn good" is really uplifting.  No matter what the situation is you really do need to make your self happy, and some times that means putting your self out on a limb with no safety rope.
      At 49 I am still fighting the same self hatred battles I have had since my 20's, regardless of my ability to smile, encourage others and find the beauty in every damn thing except myself.  At 49, I'm still in a situation which is not conducive to my needs, wants or my soul, yet I keep trying, because I am definitely not a quitter. At 49, I had someone tell me I was more than I see in the mirror, and that has not happened since I was in my 20's....and it felt good. I'm not sure if it was some sort of validation for myself but it made my heart warm to a level which I have not felt in a long time. Im not going to say I didn't love it.  It's important to remember love is real and it can happen to good people....and as I have told some close friends and now whoever reads this....I pray to the Gods of my future, please don't let me die without kissing someone again, feeling a loving touch or having sex. please, please please....( the situation at hand is not in my favor)
      People know me as the crazy, sometimes inappropriate, tell it like it is, redhead. I am that....but I'm more than that.... working in healthcare I give almost every piece of my self to caring for others.  To holding hands when they are scared to laughing with them when it is all out of our control, yet I have yet to meet anyone who fills that need for me, or better yet wants to. I am too demanding and have been told that I am unpleasable.  That no one will ever meet my standards.  That is really a bummer. I don't believe it.  If I can, so can you. The only problem is that you cannot make adults do what they do not want to....( at least I have learned that in the last 20 + years).
     

(you know who you are)

    I have mastered hugs in the last few years.  Yes I am a hugger, I don't care if you think it's gross.  I like them. I am about to graduate with my Bachelors of Nursing (finally) and I am hoping to start taking more time for myself and my needs, without too much guilt. After typing this little bit I feel like there is quite a bit to unload here....

      soon.   

write ya later,

m  and my new friend Lenore (picture above)   I would really adore her more if she was a redhead

365 days of my life #99

365 days of my life, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

the Sleepover is going as anticipated....tears, fighting, screaming and some bracelet making....

oh yeah, and the whip cream incident

A day in the life of a Effed up Mom Life

Which is better known as my life.

My Effed Up Life...

They say life hands you only what you can handle... and I guess in a sense I believe that.  Because, you know, really, only a select few roll up in a ball and die from life's basic hardships.  

(If you have had somebody roll up in a ball, I'm sorry...I'm just saying)

So, this morning when Bob emailed me and said we will be paying child support until Step Son graduates I was more than thrilled.  I was, shall I say, UN understanding.

It's a long story, but let me just say this, he may never graduate and then we pay until he's 21.

That is Divorce for you.

On top of child support payments, which really is just money.  I'm dealing with a certain someone in my life going through a midlife crisis.  I all ready had mine, hence Nursing School and life change....now I just want a sport car to go with my small penis...which I can't afford due to child support payments.  

When the other half of a relationship, male side, goes through a life change it can be detrimental to the entire world, let alone to the family.

Most of the time they aren't quite cut out to make spur of the moment decisions and instead sit moping like Eeyore on a log.

What do do about this?

I'll tell you. 

 Medicate.  

I am pushing for Zoloft or something...I will continue to medicate with microbrew, but I think Zoloft is in the future of this household.

As a woman, I'm not allowed to make crazed suggestions such as:

1. HallPass...go do what you need to do if it helps.

2. Move to Ca. like you want...see how it works out....

3. Change Jobs!!!! (too simple for a 46 year old)

4. Back to School?

5. Do some community work...(that is an asinine idea for a depressed person)

Letting someone live their life is a gift.  I am suggesting that to this person.

Do what your heart tells you!  Because that is what I want to do, but I CAN'T because I can't rationalize with a person who won't live their life.

ok...enough of that malarky.

Things will get better.  They almost always do and sometimes that is the worst part...

the :"OMG I actually survived that part of life, now I have to do something else" Syndrome.

I have spent the past 2 hours of a snow day explaining to Olive again and again why we can not go outside to sled in a windchill of -40.

It's the same reason the dog is crapping in front of the dog door on the inside of the house opposed to going out the dog door!

On top of all that...I've worked up a sweat and I stink.

I've done nothing.

enjoy your day.

xo

m