It is amazing when you meet someone that brings out a different side than usual and it is quite refreshing. I feel that after laying dormant for so long having someone say, "Hey, look around, things are awesome, you are awesome, life is pretty damn good" is really uplifting. No matter what the situation is you really do need to make your self happy, and some times that means putting your self out on a limb with no safety rope.
At 49 I am still fighting the same self hatred battles I have had since my 20's, regardless of my ability to smile, encourage others and find the beauty in every damn thing except myself. At 49, I'm still in a situation which is not conducive to my needs, wants or my soul, yet I keep trying, because I am definitely not a quitter. At 49, I had someone tell me I was more than I see in the mirror, and that has not happened since I was in my 20's....and it felt good. I'm not sure if it was some sort of validation for myself but it made my heart warm to a level which I have not felt in a long time. Im not going to say I didn't love it. It's important to remember love is real and it can happen to good people....and as I have told some close friends and now whoever reads this....I pray to the Gods of my future, please don't let me die without kissing someone again, feeling a loving touch or having sex. please, please please....( the situation at hand is not in my favor)
People know me as the crazy, sometimes inappropriate, tell it like it is, redhead. I am that....but I'm more than that.... working in healthcare I give almost every piece of my self to caring for others. To holding hands when they are scared to laughing with them when it is all out of our control, yet I have yet to meet anyone who fills that need for me, or better yet wants to. I am too demanding and have been told that I am unpleasable. That no one will ever meet my standards. That is really a bummer. I don't believe it. If I can, so can you. The only problem is that you cannot make adults do what they do not want to....( at least I have learned that in the last 20 + years).
(you know who you are)
I have mastered hugs in the last few years. Yes I am a hugger, I don't care if you think it's gross. I like them. I am about to graduate with my Bachelors of Nursing (finally) and I am hoping to start taking more time for myself and my needs, without too much guilt. After typing this little bit I feel like there is quite a bit to unload here....
soon.
write ya later,
m and my new friend Lenore (picture above) I would really adore her more if she was a redhead