secrets…of a non sleeper

 a little secret …

after the kids are off to school and I know I have to work a 12 hour, thru the night shift,

I often turn the heating blanket on 9, pile the pillows around me, and crawl back to sleep.

I doze in and out until 3pm….or until my back hurts.

Working nights I have discovered I now sleep better during the days.

I would sleep even better if I had this

zzz

m

Family Vacation

the family vacation.  

The bain of my existance.

Do we need it? is it oh so important?

I have contemplated this thought many times and the only answer I can come up with is YES.   I need it.  I need it to feel like a human and to feel as if the work I do gives me something in return.

Every year in January I begin trying to figure out my vacation.

Something the kids will halfway enjoy, which they never do, and something I can actually enjoy and feel a little relaxation/luxury.

I like water, I like rivers, I like beach, I like beer, and I like cheap.

The combo is not so easy to find.

This year, if I can't find a cabin. I am going to fix my little trailer, no matter the cost, and use it!

I will rent a car every weekend if I have to and go somewhere and just sit.  

I will take up fly fishing

 and and rediscover reading. 

 The kids will go with me whether they like it or not.

Bobby can do what he wants because we wont be far away. 

Its on my list…

I WILL do THIS.

Mark my cotton pickin words

(words cant pick cotton)

Clean Eating Blackeyed Pea and Collards Soup…vegetarain

I'm starving.

I've been working out and training for the Mud Run and I figured I might as well do another 10K while I'm at it.

So, I have been starving to death.

When I'm starving to death I want to eat a lot

and Soup is like Salad

You can eat a lot with little calories and fat.

heres what I made this evening:

Vegetarian Blackeyed Pea, Collards with Swt Potatoe

Ingrediants:

blacked eyed peas ( i used a bag of frozen organic)

1 sweet pot

1 bunch collard greens

1/4 onion

1 can of diced tomatoes ( i rinse them, but do as you please)

1 box of organic veggie broth (use homemade if ya got it)

seasonings

pepper, garlic salt, cumin, red pepper

whatever you like :)

chop everything.

If you are NOT familiar with Collards, you want to fold them in half and cut the crunchy thick stem out.

then roll them into a big bunch and slice them

*collards are a bit peppery…and yummy and so good for you

 I threw the onion, collards and swt pots in with a smidge of olive oil.

let them cook for a few minutes.

Add the veggie broth, tomatoes, and blackeyed peas…cover and let cook until peas are tender.

add seasoning of your choice.  I like to add hot pepper flakes.

This is excellent served with cornbread, but I'm not sure if cornbread is on the clean eating diet

Enjoy bowl after bowl.

I have to get back to my busy work of laundry and knitting.

write ya later….

xo

m

Alopecia ok

for those who were wondering….he's doing ok.

He opted to shave it.

You can see see the dramatic hair loss on the back of his head but he seems a bit more confidant.

Meredith and Ilin…she made it all better…well mostly better

She managed to make the hair on the top gently cover the bald spots there.

It's a start in the bravery department.

He said to me right after the haircut, "Mom I won't have to wear a hat in weight lifting"

No kid, you won't.

Life is hard…lets not make it any harder.

No medications he has decided.

He's just gonna ride it out.

Chalk it up in the 

"this sucks category"

and move on

xo, m

Seal and Heidi. another one bites the dust

I'm just gonna sit back and wait for the bigger story on this one.

Here's the things we do know…

 together 7 years, long for Hollywood, not very long in real life

He just finished an album: always the kiss of death

I read somewhere he has a Hot temper.

Hmmmmmm.  This one is gonna be ugly

although it appears oh so  pretty on the outside.

Xox

It's my birthday

How to effectively be passive aggressive

I would like to take a few minutes to teach my friends and foe a few superbly effective ways to be passive aggressive around the house, as I learned from my husband.

These are fairly easy things which anyone can accomplish ,with a long term game plan, and a few quick stealth moves.  

First you must set the scene.  

This is easily done early in the relationship, but yet, not too early , because the other party could be smart, which would lead to no effect on the entire plan.  

After the so called "honeymoon period" , but before the "I don't give a rat's ass period", you must set the mood.  During the first few arguments you must, at some point state, " you are a nag" or " I never said you have to do that"…and then make sure you throw in, " you are crazy, you know that?" 

This first step is imperative to the end results.  If you fail to set these tones, your plan will never work.

After step one has been completed you may start your plan immediately, or wait 20 years, either way it should be just as effective.

Here's what you do.  I am going to give you a few base ideas and once you feel confidant in these you should be able to make your own plans to fit your daily needs and life.  any thing marekd ***gravy is extra bonus passive aggressive points.

1.  When stopping by the store on the way home from work, in a snow storm,only pick up cream for your coffee and or lunch meat for your lunch, even though you picked up the milk carton this morning and know its empty, and the kids will have no milk for breakfast….then state…."oh, I thought we just needed cream. " (or fill in blank with your need only)

2.  When significant other has been doing laundry for the entire weekend and shows signs of melting into the floor of the laundry room….don't offer to help….BUT …make sure when the party is not looking you pull out only your clothes and put them away, leaving only piles of kids clothes and your significant other's clothing…then when they complain and state how much they hate folding laundry, you can effectively say, " why do you guys have so much laundry? I never have laundry like that."  This makes them realize they aren't having to fold your clothing, so there will be no complaining to you.

3.  After dinner, make sure you quickly get your dishes into the dishwasher and only put away the few items you used.  Like salt and pepper…so you are actually helping, but not helping the household.  ***gravy, don't wipe the counters, ever…. unless you drip a spot of coffee, then only wipe that one spot, but don't wipe further than that spot.  this shows how ill kept the house may be and you have done your part.

4.  Make sure any item of great joy to you is purchased in unmarked cash with no paper trail.  This is effective when the other party states they never get anything nice….then you can say, " yeah, me either…" And they can never show it on paper.  The nice stuff you have just appears.  

5.  never take coinciding days off.  This allows for plenty of free time to enjoy your unmarked free things without stress…When you do take a day off, wait til the last minute to mark it on the calendar.  That way, there will be no interference due to short notice.  Any extra vacation days should be secretly taken for yourself.  This allows for not having to take extra days with the family or doing any outside family needs such as; kid's Dr. appointments, a short 3 day vacation, a fun day off….

***gravy,  your days are your days.   you can claim you just don't have any extra vacation days. (Always make sure to save a few secret days in case best friend wants to go on Fri-Mon quick trip to Vegas, then plead you never said you had no more vacation days,and put out ,"you are crazy" card from tone set in beginning of plan.

6.  Wear your shittiest outfits when going out….my favorite I've seen lately:  Hoody, ripped jeans leather jacket over hoody and Trashy baseball hat.  Wear this even when its date night.   State you have no nice clothes, or "who the hell cares"….that way, you may not get asked again, which leaves you more time to yourself.

***gravy, pull out your best duds when you know they are unable to go out…but you have to "make that appearance"…. and state, "I have to go, we were invited months ago, I wish you weren't working"

7.  Stop doing any housework, except for things you secretly enjoy doing, like shoveling….then when asked, state" Jeesus, I do all the Shoveling (or snow blowing)"

These few minor steps should get you started.  

Enjoy your end results.  

Feel free to leave any extras in the comments.

****gravy

xo,

m

(written tongue in cheek, seriously)

Surrogates

I'm thankful today.  Thankful for the few surrogate mothers who have unknowingly adopted this 42 year old baby.  

They know who they are.

They have their own lives yet amazingly keep an eye on me like I was one of their own.

Recently, I have opened my inbox ( no, not like that) to find letters of love when I needed them most.  Letters which tell me…" It's gonna be ok"  Because sometimes in life, that is really what we need.  A mom type to say, " you are doing ok…you are doing the right thing".  Its hard at this age to get that from people.  

and maybe you shouldn't…

But I oh so appreciate it.

Love shows up in many mysterious ways .

xo

m

Nothing less to give

I'm exhausted. I feel selfish and I'm exhausted.
After giving my last bit of care and fun to my liver on Friday I just don't want to do anything.
The stress of the hair loss is honestly putting me over the edge.
I'm not sure why, but it is.
I'm really guessing it is because I'm not in control.
The kid is fine except for his hair. Why is it so stressful?
I haven't found any other mom who currently has a boy who has lost his hair at this age. I'm having a hard time relating to the families who have kids who have had Alopecia since they were 2. Gives the community and such time to adjust. Unlike having a gorgeous head of hair one day then nothing the a month later.

Ilin has taken to calling his head, " his patchy, patchy head"






Looks almost like this...but with sprigs. And not as happy a face...then put a a cool skater hat on it...

Maybe it will grow back....maybe

So, I'm exhausted, I feel hateful about life and my humor is almost gone, almost.
If I feel like this, I can only imagine what he feels.

Xo
M

here's a lil tidbit about my weekend.

I drank too much on Friday

Threw up at my kids basketball game Saturday morning

Tried to make a recovery, but just decided, why bother?

getting old is hard on the liver…

just a few randoms

things are not always as they appear now, are they?

You know, as we get older the days are oh so long, but time runs quickly.

Take the time to enjoy...

No...

 It's a cow's Hip Bone…Ed's weekly treat from the butcher

 Ed, in his favorite spot…waiting for people to come home from school, work, etc….

 the door to the world is at the end of those steps….so he waits patiently

and this is a lil sign in my kitchen to remind me…things are: 

Enjoy your Friday the 13th.

Alopecia my ass

Ikea Hack…Tutu for American Girl Doll

So simple.

I was cleaning up the sewing room and getting rid of leftover fabric that I felt was unusable.  It's like purging the ol stash.

When I got to the bottoms I cut off of the Ikea Curtain Panels (who knows why I saved them)

I thought…this is perfect tutu material.

Not enough for me, but maybe the Kit doll or the new sock monkey?

You need:

small piece of elastic band to fit around Doll's waist.

Leftover shiny tutu fabric (any fabric would look cute with this)

cutting board and slicer (you can use scissors)

time to knot a billion strips

so:

I didn't measure anything short of using the ruler to slice the strips.

measure the elastic to fit doll's waist

stitich it together on machine, or by hand.

make sure it is sewn sturdily….kids are tough on this stuff

Start slicing 1" strips from fabric and you want to have it long enough to fold and make a slip knot around the elastic.

I folded mine before I cut it (see pic) so that it didn't take as long to cut, because I'm lazy.

 After slicing a bunch of 1" strips (any size that works for you, works for Kit…we found she's not too picky)

have your kid fold them in half.

Take each ribbon and tuck it over the elastic and through the middle like a Cow knot or Lark's head knot 

do that a billion times neatly around the elastic, making a wonderful little tutu.  Makes you want one for your self if your waist wasn't so big, huh?

I had Olive help me as much as possible.

 I then trimmed all the ends evenly.

an no …we do have heat ,this is ust how the monster dresses everyday, regardless of temperature.

have fun…and now that you are all done, treat yourself to a beer.

xo,

m

Hair today, Gone tomorrow…alopecia for a teen boy

I had the talk tonight with Ilin about his alopecia again. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "So, are you telling me my hair probably won't grow back?".

"Yes...."

I feel selfish asking why this had to happen to such an awesome kid. He's healthy, smart, and alive...but as a mom it still breaks my heart.

Everyday after he has left for school I wander into his bathroom and wipe up the hair...I wipe it from the sink, the toilet seat, the floor, the soap and pull it from the drain. I don't want him to have to do it. His little sister grumbles and wipes it from the sink in the morning, after she brushes her teeth. " Is it ever going to stop, Mom?" " Probably not, Olive...just be kind, and wipe it up for him"

In any other situation I'm sure I would think it was gross. But not with him. 4 months ago he had a head of gorgeous thick hair. Now strands and baldness.

I try to think of funny things to tell him. Like: wait til the zombie walk...you are gonna look awesome....at least you won't have that crazy ear hair. He smiles and laughs, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He doesn't understand.

He told me he will just stay in all summer.

Oh no you wont ...it's not an option. We have to figure out how we are going to tell people.

We have to....

Its just a bump in the road...it's only hair....

this is the change in one month.

you can see the top also from this picture although that is not what we were aiming at

Today he has weight lifting and he was running around looking for a baseball hat.

which we didn't have.

He was stressed, I was stressed and his sister was yelping for her breakfast.

I asked him straight up, "do you want me to call the counselor, so you have some one to talk to?"

he shrugged…

"do you want me to call….just say the word and I will"

with one little tear he said,

"yeah"

I said,"look Bubba, its gonna get better, it will…because really it will either get better…or you will get used to it…which equals about better"

Boy, that is some fine advice from the adult int he family huh?  

wow…

lets hope no one was filming that moment.

xo,

m

man arms?

Oh lord…

Im not sure if this is what I had in mind when I started to work out and weight lift.  Maybe I thought I would be rockin Madonna arms…You know the kind, Lean and Strong?…

The kind they post on the front of tabloid magazines and the captions says "starving to death?"…

The kind where your significant other, whom you at one time were trying to impress then said  'fuck it , I'm doing it for myself and so other people will say' , "holy shit…what happened to your arms?"

arms

like this:

but not so drastic….

Too me it's is gross, but sexy strong…

and I'm at that age where I'm gross anyways. 

 Middle aged, married woman with kids, who no one looks at any more…Almost like you are invisible.  So what do I care?  I want to look in the mirror and say ,"holy macaroni…I'm going naked today…or if not naked I'm rockin the sleeveless mom smock."

  I'm done with lunch lady arms.  finito…. finished….adios swayin in the wind, arms!

Back to topic.  

So, I thought I could pull this off with my new "Live Fit" training program.

Ummm…it's working, but in a strange way,a way that apparently would only happen to me.

my arms are starting to look like this:

Not that these are bad arms 

and they surely surpass the lunch lady arms…but come on…even these things are gonna be hard to rock in a sleeve less lil black dress for my reunion.

Why does this shit happen to me?  

chin hair?

large features…

now Arnold Arms

It's a start…

I'll be baaack

write ya later

m

PS…now if you hop on over to Lepetite Jen's Blog

you will see what I was hoping for…

slim and tiny…

She will be competing in March I believe.

I'm so proud of her.