Send Friend Now

Spent some me time today.  

Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....

while I still can.

Went to the gym this morning at 545 am.  Goddamn I hate that place

I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.

I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....

I kind of walk around in circles waiting.

It's ridiculous.

Got it over with and got the heck out.

Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.

I did a quick 8.12 miles. 

happy with that.

and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.

Here's what I am contemplating.

where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?

You may think I'm being funny...

but I'm being serious.

After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.

I have had some work friends and some so so friends 

but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy

I don't want a replacement, but  maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends

I take that back...

I have Scooter....

but he moved away.

It will be just fine.

I got things to do.

Life to live

I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.

yup...

the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.

it's old

but I like it

if you know of a new friend for me

let me know

thanks

m

 I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul

Time is ticking by

I'm chatting with this bottle of wine

I know that I'm not perfect

I'll admit that I'm a fool

Everytime I'm lost

I'm always finding my way back to you, the one

I need when I'm awake

Take me home

I wanna go

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.

I can see what he was thinking

It's so easy if you try

Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love

Is worth the pain

Then to hear her cry your name

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

And I can't go on, I can't live like this

And we can't get back the time we've wasted

No I can't go on, I can't live like this

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

covid pits

I was wondering the same thing.....

Life has been more than what anyone needs, requires or has asked for lately.

Summer is here and just as we slide out of Covid we find our country locked down into curfews due to riots and hatred.

So, I guess I'm ok if those "murder hornets" took a left turn at Albuquerque.

What the bejesus is happening?

Happening to the world? Our brothers and sisters of color? Our children? Our planet?

I don't know, and although I do think and overthink it I am going to allow myself a break and not feel super guilty.

(yes, those are my Covid hairy pits....I like them)

let me get back to my old bullshit posts...

today I ran 3 miles, it was hotter than a Las Vegas parking lot but I attempted it anyway.  2 miles in of run walking I, of course, had to poo.  

Because of Covid there are no public bathrooms which caused me great anxiety.

Don't worry, I made it ....

barely

I earned my beer on that run.

I have more shitty run days now than good ones.

maybe it's age?

well,

I really have not much to post 

except I haven't been home a month and it feels like a lifetime,

Lawyer texted that the divorce could be another 6 months because the courts are still not open...

and I have a mammogram on Friday

let's get this summer started

write ya later

xo

m

Growing out the Sparkle aka going grey

I have never been super confident.  Lately, the confidence has been struggling even more. Most likely due to the fact I am turning 50 in January. 

It's all fine and dandy, short of the fact I do have to look in the mirror occasionally.  

The mirror doesn't lie.

There is no filter, no little kitty ears and fake lashes to magically make one look 25 again....It's straight up shit lighting reality.

reality.....

no makeup , no curl , just me....although usually I'm pretty good about making a face in pictures. (this is a technique one uses to take the eyes of away from the truth of the picture)

me ...going out for easy dinner and a night with Michelle Obama.

Let's talk about this silver hair for just a moment.

I have people say, "You are so cool"

"you are so brave"

"You look gorgeous "

"You look old"

I think they are all pretty much correct.

I am all of those.

The silver hair is pretty cool, Should have done it much earlier.

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

sorry for the lacking post .

write ya later,

xo

m

I Drug Tested my Teen

Yup, I sure did.  He's been acting weird.  He's been lying about weird things and not remembering anything.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  On the way home from work I stopped at Walgreens and got one of those drug tests that checks for anything and everything.  The little voice in my head said to be ready for what it might reveal, I told that voice to shut up.  I know...I know.

I got home, marched up the stairs handed him the cup and said,  "Look.  You have been acting the fool the lately, I don't know what's going on and I need to know.  Would you like to tell me what this is going to say before you pee in the cup?  it's your chance to be honest."  He looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be clean"
I thought to myself...sure it is buddy...you apparently don't know how long that shit stays in your system.   I say, "you sure?  I'm doing this because I love you" (classic mom line)" Right now I don't trust you and I need to get you and us back on track.   Are you scared?"  He said , "yeah, just because it's weird, but I understand why you are doing it....and mom, It's going to be clean.  I haven't smoked pot in over a month, from the last big talk we had.... I decided then I had to stop."

off to pee

I had him set it on his dresser and we stuck the cardboard thing in with 8 windows to check everything from pot and alcohol to meth and heroine....and we waited.  10 minutes staring at his nice clear yellow pee and watching for the double red lines to appear in each window.   Ever so slowly the double sets of lines like 8 tiny pregnancy tests started to appear.  There was one which was a bit faint...."What's that one?"    That my son is THC...weed.  He looked at me then looked at the card and said "look the lines are there!...I TOLD you....one month or more it has been."

He was clean.  17 years old....and clean.   I was not clean of anything at 17.  You could have waved that card above my pee and it would say....FAIL.  I was happy for him, I was happy I could tell my other half...he's not on drugs...but not happy that it doesn't give us any reason for the decisions he is making.

Being a teen sucks ass.  I can mark the month on the calendar when things started to go from good decisions to I don't give a fuck decisions.  I can say I don't blame him.  The kid lost all his hair when he started high school....1 month later the kid contracted Tuberculosis.... 2 weeks later he got hit by a car on his bike and was charge with riding on the sidewalk  and had to pay for the rich lady's car who rolled a stop sign.  Is life fair?  Fuck no...but that doesn't mean I can baby my favorite child.
This kid was my savior, this kid I had plans for, this kid I spent days at home reading to him and using flash cards, and telling him how amazing he was.

this kid who is gifted and failing high school was not in my plan.

at least I can say it is not drug related...and I can also say that he gave me a hug afterwards, as I cried and told him why I am so scared for him...He just said..."Mom, I love you...I am not mad...I understand, I'm scared for me too sometimes ."....and maybe that is enough

Xo,
m

Raising a Smart Teen is a Pain in the Ass

Raising a teen is weird.  

I'm not sure if we can really call it "raising"…it's more like push, shove, yell, cry, threaten and a shit ton of praying.

no kid comes with a guide book and honestly, teens are super scary bizarre.

This book would do my family no good.

Here are a few of the reasons:

1.  They have access to everything.  and I mean everything.  

When we were kids we had to use the Dewey Decimal System and if you were slightly lazy or dyslexic you gave up on finding out information first hand pretty quickly. Easiest ways were National Geographic and friend of a friend system.  You had to wait for a friend to fill you in from either their big sister's experience or their own personal…and sometimes even from a friend of a friend.  You remember. " My cousin's older sister's best friend, said if you smoke Virginia Slim Menthols they taste like candy"   

Now they just google it, or learn about it on Grand Theft Auto.

2. same genre. 

 I had to read every stinking one of Judy Blume's books to learn how to semi french kiss then when it was time I still did it wrong.  Same with my period.  If I didn't have Judy Blume I would have died in 7th grade not knowing if I would EVER get my period and why did all my friends get theirs first!?

now?  they just google it and half the girls are so GMO'd up they have boobies and start their periods in 4th grade.

Let's not even talk abut the porn factor and the search for Playboys in the woods. (and don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about)

3. Drugs they have now are bad ass.  

Sure we had coke, pills and acid…pot too.  We did our share and honestly Jungle Juice and Mad Dog were probably the most dangerous for our group.  Now I have to worry about Molly, Meth and her little sister Heroin.  It's one of my favorite thoughts.  My all ready slightly stupid teen decides to try out a lil toke on a meth pipe.  Guarantees basement living and no brain growth.   That's what we need.  Let's keep the Grand Theft Auto empire alive.  Whatever happened to just eating some shrooms, getting blasted and saying…."man I'm not doing that again….well at least not for a while!"       ?

Another thing is I now have access to everything.  I liked the days when my mom said, "Have a good day at school , Honey" and that was it.  She wouldn't have known if I was dead until the street lights came home and I wasn't there.  Now with all the electronics I can track my kids every move; and honestly….I don't want to.  Some things are better off not knowing.  My mom often had an idea, but hardly ever any hard evidence and that, my, friends is exactly what kept us friendly to each other.

I'm blessed with one of those kind, smart, artsy type teens.  He is sensitive, but his own person.  He thinks in his own way and I can no longer micro- manage that.  This is where the hardest part of parenting comes in.  Letting them learn their own lessons and make their own path, even if I see it may be a hard path.  No pushing or yelling will change that when they have their own brains.  

Sometimes my kid is right and I can't outwardly agree because I am the parent.  

 Like the other day when he says, "Why do I get a zero for not taking notes in class?  That is stupid.  I'm listening…. I don't like to write and listen at that the same time…I shouldn't get a zero for that, that is stupid"  

Yes, it is stupid.  It is stupid for an AP teacher to pass out Zeros to a kid who makes A's on the tests, but that is the rule and you have to follow rules.   That is the lesson.

"Yeah, well, whatever…I guess I'm going to fail then".

Smart kid.  Honors and AP and he may just fail, not because of tests, but because of marching to the beat of his own drummer with anarchy sticks in his hands.  Learn your own lessons kid.  I'm right there with you in my mind.

Alopecia Sucks.  

plus try your teen age years with no hair.

xo,

m

20 day later of Alopecia….Bald

Just so you know…here it is.  20 days after the last post.

If you know any other bald young boys, send them our way.  we could start a gang.

Wait a minute, I think we had gangs like that in the 80's.  

Well, this would be the non combat boot wearing type of gangs

hahaha

xo, 

m

alopecia is a cruel friend

Alopecia sucks, update ..no hair

It pains me to post the pics, but I want other people to see that it happens, it happens quickly and they are not alone.

Although Ilin B has not come to terms, nor most likely will he ever come to terms with it, he still lets me take pics for documenting.

People always tell him to "just go bald"  

He hates it.

As he points out,  this is not "normal bald, this is odd bald" 

 Here is one of the only patches of hair that grows on the back side.  The front he has not cut for 3 years.

 You can see how smooth it is….you can also see the Native American he has in him with that nose.  Funny how 1/4 of Cherokee, or whatever it was passed right down from his dad.

 Any other small hair growth is white and fuzzy, like duck baby feathers.

He told me last night he hasn't shaved his head in 4 months, and this is it.

So the Dr was probably right.  He is heading to Total Alopecia.

This was less than 3 months ago
click the link

Well, I'm thankful for Ilin Blue that beanie hats are in style for this age group.

Not sure what he will do for any other age.

I would say: This too shall pass, but…I think I'll stick with:

It is what it is

write ya later,

m

Alopecia Sucks Update…. bummer

His hair started to come back.  

It apparently is on a 4 month schedule.

Well here's is the beginning of the next  round

These photos are right before we went to Studio Boom to get it shaved.

He left just a little in the front so that when he wears his hat , there is a bit of fringe in the front.

The third picture is the worst.

It is the first time it has started to fall out all connected istead of patches.

He tries to not be efected by it.  Plays the tough guy, but his grades are starting to reflect other wise.

It's hard to watch and not try to micro manage.

16 years old…it should be about making out and goofing off.

Not worrying about if your hat will stay on.

Alopecia Sucks: The Regrowth

The regrowth

It falls out….then grows back.  

some spots will not ever grow back, like the spot on the top and the ones on the sides.

You can see the baby hairs growing in where he might get a bit of warmth.  They grow in grey/white.

Weird huh?

So he may got enough hair for a while to feel a bit normal.

Then….

it falls out again.

I can't even imagine.

I'm guessing this time it will be because of Algebra 2

If you know someone with Alopecia.

show them the pics and tell them to stay strong.

Don't say

"it's only hair"

xo

m

it's Back…but not

Alopecia Sucks.

he was doing ok…then he said"Mom, I got a little spot, right here on the top."

It was little.

Maybe 1/2"

We went to the Dr.

She said, Let's try some steroid shots.

He said Ok.

Then 1 month later he is back to this.  

Summer, and he won't shave it.

He won't even look at it.

He lets me take a picture every month to keep track.

 The red on his neck is a birth mark

He still hasn't told anyone.  It's his secret, under his hat.

It will last a life time.

He has lost all the hair on his legs and arms.

I wish I could make him just shave the entire thing and go hatless.

But this is not my battle.

or my head.

or my hair.

xo,

m

Alopecia my ass

Hair today, Gone tomorrow…alopecia for a teen boy

I had the talk tonight with Ilin about his alopecia again. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "So, are you telling me my hair probably won't grow back?".

"Yes...."

I feel selfish asking why this had to happen to such an awesome kid. He's healthy, smart, and alive...but as a mom it still breaks my heart.

Everyday after he has left for school I wander into his bathroom and wipe up the hair...I wipe it from the sink, the toilet seat, the floor, the soap and pull it from the drain. I don't want him to have to do it. His little sister grumbles and wipes it from the sink in the morning, after she brushes her teeth. " Is it ever going to stop, Mom?" " Probably not, Olive...just be kind, and wipe it up for him"

In any other situation I'm sure I would think it was gross. But not with him. 4 months ago he had a head of gorgeous thick hair. Now strands and baldness.

I try to think of funny things to tell him. Like: wait til the zombie walk...you are gonna look awesome....at least you won't have that crazy ear hair. He smiles and laughs, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He doesn't understand.

He told me he will just stay in all summer.

Oh no you wont ...it's not an option. We have to figure out how we are going to tell people.

We have to....

Its just a bump in the road...it's only hair....

this is the change in one month.

you can see the top also from this picture although that is not what we were aiming at

Today he has weight lifting and he was running around looking for a baseball hat.

which we didn't have.

He was stressed, I was stressed and his sister was yelping for her breakfast.

I asked him straight up, "do you want me to call the counselor, so you have some one to talk to?"

he shrugged…

"do you want me to call….just say the word and I will"

with one little tear he said,

"yeah"

I said,"look Bubba, its gonna get better, it will…because really it will either get better…or you will get used to it…which equals about better"

Boy, that is some fine advice from the adult int he family huh?  

wow…

lets hope no one was filming that moment.

xo,

m