Keeping Promises to Myself

 They, whoever they is, claim that selfcare is really important 

ya know....you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself.

So, with that said, me and my extra 10 pounds, YES 10 pounds !!! decided to seriously get back to something....anything...and I'm easily influenced....so when my run keeper decided I should train for a marathon I clicked "ok".

Not my smartest moment.

I'm on week 2 (just started)

today was a slow 2 mile run.

I chose the bike path which was infested with these weird mosquito, flying silverfish things.

Pretty sure I ate about 30.

Here is one I hacked up about 2 hours post run.

It was stuck to my Uvula.

I'm vegetarian, this is not a good breakfast for me.

yuk

This was part of my view.

Very lovely, but did not make the 2 miles anymore enjoyable

and here is how I gelt

SLOW

Will it ever come back?

I don't know.

But I do know I want to stay on track for a while with making a commitment to myself and keeping it.

Me first.

me me me

no excuses.

I'll keep ya posted

m

covid pits

I was wondering the same thing.....

Life has been more than what anyone needs, requires or has asked for lately.

Summer is here and just as we slide out of Covid we find our country locked down into curfews due to riots and hatred.

So, I guess I'm ok if those "murder hornets" took a left turn at Albuquerque.

What the bejesus is happening?

Happening to the world? Our brothers and sisters of color? Our children? Our planet?

I don't know, and although I do think and overthink it I am going to allow myself a break and not feel super guilty.

(yes, those are my Covid hairy pits....I like them)

let me get back to my old bullshit posts...

today I ran 3 miles, it was hotter than a Las Vegas parking lot but I attempted it anyway.  2 miles in of run walking I, of course, had to poo.  

Because of Covid there are no public bathrooms which caused me great anxiety.

Don't worry, I made it ....

barely

I earned my beer on that run.

I have more shitty run days now than good ones.

maybe it's age?

well,

I really have not much to post 

except I haven't been home a month and it feels like a lifetime,

Lawyer texted that the divorce could be another 6 months because the courts are still not open...

and I have a mammogram on Friday

let's get this summer started

write ya later

xo

m

365 days: day 219... cadence helps my heart (part 1)

As I ran today I looked down at my legs ... 

strong , moving forward , smooth ..... 

a lil buzz ran through my body, a shiver , a smile .... 

I stopped .   

I stood looking first at my thighs 

then towards the mountains .... 

breathing  

breathing .... 

in out .    

Slow.   

Breathe  slow .   

Fill up , let it go

 .... a flash memory and another twinge....

I stretched and looked around .... 

looked at my phone . 

nothing.  
I rubbed my palms down my thighs
Keep running, it will stop

Ch ..... ch......ch.... 

the sound of the gravel crunching as I run in almost perfect cadence to the metronome 

...180 .... 

my feet remember the stride as my mind drifts again ....

Your hand reaching with ease to the passenger side and arriving perfectly on my thigh .   

Warmth and slight heaviness,

a gentle squeeze and movement that was so comfortable I didn’t flinch .   

I looked down at that hand, as you drove to nowhere with the other.... 

not looking at me or changing expression. 

a gesture that now has me unsteady within its memory.

I traced your fingers along the top, felt the soft spot between the thumb and finger,

touched your ring.

your hand moving to hold mine,

perfectly fitting.

cadence....cadence....look out, lean forward...

for a mile the breath comes uneven then starts to find it's place with the legs and heart.

mind begins to wander again.

keep running towards the horizon...

walking quietly side by side, not speaking, unsure

your hand grazes my back with a protective like move as the door opens.

the back of our hands graze each other with closeness and I feel your finger latch lightly around mine. 

weakness....don't move away...

faster I run and break cadence, fuck it, running to a visual point in the distance.

running as fast as I can telling my brain to not stop running until I am there.

I run faster and faster in order to be done.

done

I can't breathe 

I stop and bend over, holding my side...

the tears come, hot and dry quickly in the heat.

my heart heaves with lack of breath

strong legs,

keep moving forward.

I can't 

breathe

my brain throwing thoughts left and right

why has this happened 

it's ok

you are ok

I look at my phone again.

nothing

again

except a running timer saying to move.

telling me to move

come on

do something

I start to head back

tears burning my eyes.

that feeling

a feeling my touch can't fix.

a feeling that comes so often now I want to scream

my stride has shortened and my cadence is off

I walk and my breathing is uneven 

walk, breathe, walk, breathe

hands on my waist

I squeeze 

feeling 

what you

felt

mind wanders

pull me towards you

pushed back against the car

hands lifting me up and wrapping around me

gently sitting me onto the seat of the car.

breathe, breathe, breathe 

looking at the mountains 

I know life is beautiful

life is complicated

but it is also 

often

tragically perfect

undeniably

perfect

write ya later,

xo,

m

ps I write letters, I write so many letters and they sit in a folder waiting to either destroy me or destroy someone else.

the heart is a lonely hunter some may say, 

but my heart is a beautiful writer

365 days : I run so you don't have to

you are welcome...

Today I ran so you don't have to.

I would like you to know we did NOT run far, so don't worry

Foxxy and I ran 2. 2 miles 

Then she gave up...

Looked at me as if the heat was going to be the death of her....

I looked at her and said, 

"Don't worry, I gotta poop....so we are both done"

She panted home the last mile and I concentrated on not having to go poo.

It's a runners thing.

maybe it's just my thing.

Anyways, I did minimal thinking on my run, which was nice.

A couple of times I thought...

wow, my legs feel pretty good and I'm gonna chalk that up to doing nothing for the past week or so.

I'm calling it my recovery drink and eat week....

and scroll through Instagram and then feel shitty for doing nothing all week, week.

pretty much a good week in my book.

As you can see from my picture I am carb loading for the mere fact I can.  

This was the first time in a while I looked at myself in the mirror and thought

you look good.

you are in a good spot.  

Looks good on you 

50 is good

....

well, don't look at that part, ignore that part....

and ignore that toenail that fell off from running yesterday

but everything else....

good job, lady

Sometimes, a good break from everything really pays off

I noticed it has made the house feel better.

Me, just doing what I want and not fretting.

the vibe is good.

did you hear that?

I gotta good vibe goin on.

2 days from now I will be relaxing in my bikini, giving an additional zero fucks, wishing I could tan, as I slather on the 50 block...

Wishing I could hold my liquor better,

and wishing I looked more put together....

but all that....

that is NOTHING.

Lately,

Ive literally been rocking this shit.

so, go relax...

I all ready ran, 

If ya wanna carb load, go ahead,

because we good 

xo,

write ya later

365 days just work...work it girl

Funny how things are just as they are to be, nothing you can do to change it.

I laughed yesterday at my job interview when they asked (of course) what my strengths and weaknesses were.

This is an old tactic, standard interview question in which I used to fret over.

This time when asked I chuckled and said....

"I am going to be completely honest with this....because as I get older I have learned my strength is also my weakness and often bites me in the butt.  Mine is work ethic. Mine, I have realized, is somewhat higher than most and although I know this, and also know people work differently, it still often puts a crimp in my arrow"

I got the job.

I got home and no one asked how it went, did I get the job?

....maybe no one even knew I applied, or was going to the interview. 

No celebration or congrats.  

Which is fine, just made me laugh a bit.  One of those exciting then, who the fuck cares moments.

This is job 3 and I am picking it up as a per diem, to start, to make sure I enjoy it.  I will stay as long as possible at the main job, continue to pick up treadmill shifts and then slide this job in 2-3 times a month.  Goal is to pay off my school debt (which really isn't much) in a quicker manner.

debt free would be good right now...

As Murphy's law has it....

Someone came to look at the house radiant heater. It is as old as the house....and obviously cannot be repaired, must be replaced...I stood there and laughed on the inside as the young guy said,

"well, the estimate for the complete energy efficient redo is about $12k"

hahahah

FML

maybe a 4th job is needed?

so, what did I do....

1. I laid on the couch and admired my beautiful grey hair...

2. knitted

3. cried and laughed

4. looked again at apartments

5. sent some fuck you's in my mind to a few people 

6. texted a few sweet nothings to a few

7. home workout

3/2/19

when I finally got my self together and remembered regardless of all of it...that I still am training to run in a few months and the training schedule says I have to full body train....

Which I usually do, but missed the gym class

So, 30 pushups

I really need to do them 3 different ways but I just did not have the strength today

and a ton of 1 legged butt lifts.

Even though a girlfriend said, no one cares what you look like ...I agree.... but I care a little, for myself....

seriously.

I like strong legs and shoulders. and an ok butt, with or without standard cellulite.

plus it makes ya feel better

I encourage you to give it a try

pushups and pullups

Life is grand and things just have to happen the way they are supposed to...

if its meant to be it will

absolutely nothing to dwell on or try to change because you really just can't 

I keep thinking the soul knows the direction and the heart sometimes fucks with that path....

just gotta let it be

xo

write ya later

go do some pushups

m

randoms... 365 days

Time spent alone in a crowd always makes one think.  Mostly, for me, it's "why am I doing this, this would be better with a friend or two.... "

then I look down and see this:

Does it really mean someone is thinking about me, or trying to contact me?

Hmmmm I hope so.... we will discuss that in a minute.

I particularly like the fact it says 100% charged.

If you are wondering, I did a Cupids Undie Run.  It was fun, I raised about 600$ , so I am happy with that.   I signed up, because someone suggested it, and I thought "that does sound like fun, especially with you ...." 

I was pretty excited to get to do a fun activity with this person, something out of the norm where you kind of get to see how someone is in a different situation.

You can guess...

For whatever reason ,they were unable to attend , But  I stuck it out, even though I was nervous.

2/23/19

I put on my outfit, regardless of what I was worried about, and went. 

 Did I mingle?  

a bit, 

Did I drink? 

DUH

( it was free)

I talked to quite a few people, but no connections, except for some young guy named Patrick....we talked for about 30 minutes or so maybe longer, then I sent him on his way... even if he was cute....and it was actually good conversation, there were way too many young girls around.... I smartly said, " You are awesome, gotta run to the bathroom .... maybe I'll see you out there "

and left him to hit his age group...

( he did find me out side, ran up like we were old buddies, picked me up and swung me around and sat me back down" 

"I'm gonna be running right next to you! " 

( I got a head start and lost him the crowd)

 In my Undies....

Denver's Finest 

 Aww.  he's so nice to pose with me

Oh, then I pulled a classic Myssi, fell on a teeny tiny bit of snow.

Ya know...It was like the Universe reminding me that I'm old 

hahaha

It was a fairly good day.

I stayed at my most fabulous niece's house, in hopes of going out that night.

Unfortunately I was tired...and mopey, due to life stresses

I sat on the couch, dozing in and out thinking about life....

11:11

   is it dead people, or just people in general who are thinking of you?....because I have been thinking a lot about my dead mom, dead dog and my living brother.

the 2 who are dead have been visiting my dreams quite a bit.  It saddens me to no extent so I don't want to think about it.

The live one, my youngest brother , Jamie, has also been in my heart.  I have tried to text him and call him but to no real avail.  He answered once then got confused and said he had to go,

We were so close as kids ( he's 5 years older) but he has had is own demons to battle. 

he now has AIDS and multiple issues.  The dementia associated with the illness is not conducive to good conversation, so when I do get him on the phone it's depressing.

It gives me guilt.

I hope he knows I love him so very much, but I don't think he does.

 Don't judge

I want to have sex more often. 

A lot more...

but I really don't want it to be just random...

For me, it has to have some attachment and meaning,

better yet.... real sex, with emotion. The kind where you look in the other's eyes and smile on the inside thinking

"fuck yes"

Now a days people are so guarded with their emotions, I am not sure this can even happen.

Why is it we can't say to other's ...?

"I like you...

let's just see.

Let's see what we can learn and the good stuff we can experience."

I believe there is too much looking for perfect, not wanting to look like the low person, and not just thinking, " we are pretty awesome together.....let's do this...."

we need more thinking outside the box when it comes to attraction.

Why do people have to wait a reasonable amount of time befor talking to the other?

what does this prove?

Whenever I think about people waiting too long to respond or make the first move...I think, you are going to miss out.

How many times do we wait just to find out the person you want to see is seeing someone else, because you didn't call and make a plan.

Where is it going

Things are getting packed up around my house.  But I'm not sure where it is going.

Still, no voicing any concern or plans from the other half.

Actually the other day as he left the house he said, " I'm going to practice" 

and kissed me on the lips

strange.

we haven't kissed or even pecked in months.

Is this some sort of mind game?

Or did he forget.

It's like groundhog's day

Sleep

I believe me asking for a split has relieved an entire load off of my inner soul.

Not that I don't have something to take it's place...

But for some reason I have been sleeping.

I have been getting about 5 hours a night and lately I have been waking up and not wanting to get up

I want to sleep....

just 30 more minutes.

just 30 more....

The other night, after work, I crawled under the blanket before dinner.

I slept so hard and peacefully that when I woke, it was actually time to GO to bed.

dreams and peace....

and warmth.

Sleep, as such, is cathartic.

Thoughtfulness

what a great action.

incorporating it into my life in little ways.  I feel as if I have always been thoughtful, but the world can use more. People should hear how they are doing good things...

how they are valued.

how they are in one's mind and heart

even the people who just cross your path....

I sent a few gifts to people I have known for years via online...

a hand made bag I know one has admired and mentioned she would love to own, 

a knit hat....to another whom has asked occasionally for a hand knit, yet I have never had time.

a pin to a friend in San Diego...he collects and has admired a few of the ones I have.

a hand written card and note to another

A dinner casserole in the fridge for a friend who is so busy and cooking for self is a chore.

Maybe, in a way it is more for me, than for them.

I'm not sure

I was told to take care of myself

to stop thinking about others 

and focus on self.

I agree that I should put myself first occasionally,

and I'm learning.

It isn't easy, after all these years, to just stop caring for others in the way that I do.

Is it a bad thing?

maybe this is just me.

you know what would be cool?

Someone caring for me as such...

My niece said,

'You so deserve to be worshiped, you don't even know"

I think worship is a strong word...

I'd settle for a strong appreciation

write ya later

xo,

m

Sober October day 9

As you know, I like my cocktails, well beer especially, but October has rolled around and I was reminded by my far far away friends that I have been known to participate in things such as Sober October and Lent (yes , I said Lent).

Thanks, God....

It is day 9 and I have to admit one thing...I sleep better. With that said let me tell you a few of the things which are not working out:

1. I went out the other night and I had to become the UBER drive, because I wasn't drinking.  At one point I was toting drunkards around and I decided to make an illegal turn. Someone in the backseat said, "hey, you can't do that"....my response, "Fuck it...Pull my ass over....they can give me a ticket. I am so sober it's frightening."  Then from the backseat, "yeah....it is frightening, 

This will probably never happen again."   

Nice support guys.

( this is what my backseat looked like)

2. I was told I am no fun when sober....    another thanks for the support...

3. I feel like I have nothing to do.  I never realized how much I enjoy having a beer and or a vodka drink at night while relaxing.  Now, as a fellow SoberOctober friend announced, "I have drunk more tea than Kermit the Frog". bingo, brother, bingo....and that lousy bubble water with flavors that taste like plastic fruit.

besides all of that I have discovered a few things that now that I am done with the depression of not having a beer, I am going to cash in on....and I think I will continue for the rest of the month to blog on it.  I have been feeling pretty good about blogging and if you do read this feel free and let me know because as of now I feel pretty open knowing no-one really gives a shit or reads this crap.

So, point at hand,

1. I have found time to read.

2. I am knitting and sewing again which you can see on my IG

3. I have plenty of time to think and try to make my apologies to all the people I have been weird to. Although when one attempts to reconnect on a nonweird platform it just appears the one is fucking crazy, so I just do my best and hope I can re-establish the love I once had for people and them me.

4. Run

This is the big one.  I have made a commitment to myself, starting today (in 38 degrees) to try to run again.  I am shooting for a half marathon in Bryce Canyon.  Running is something I do alone.  I have yet to find anyone who I can or want to run with, comfortably ( if you are out there contact me). So, this I will continue to talk about.

5. Russel Brand requested I start to meditate every day to clear my head and become my old self.

I am on top of this, I would rather be on top of him...but we will start with meditation.

Thanks Russ...

6. Depressed M is going bye bye.  My life is mine.  There is a path here somewhere and I am going to find that bitch.

write ya later,

m

New Year's...It's resolution time....Just be awesome

Here we go.  

As I get older I start to set my goals more in the medium range, with a few fancy ones thrown in.  One of my friends has a great way of thinking of her new goals.  Make a goal...then add a bonus.  I like that.

1. girls weekend getaway.

2. travel...alone.

3. Motorcycle ride, camp, ride.

4.  read a book every other month

5. run a 10k ( my friend has run a 10k a month on her list....whaccco!)

6. Pottery class

7. Art class

8. Writing class (  scares me)

9. yoga my heart, mind, soul

10 get a passport   (seems silly huh?  it just is a lot of paperwork)

and remember...

write ya later,

m

Elastic Running Shorts

We are going to now discuss something not many discuss.  Although I took a minute and googled it, so if you think I am some kind of freak….you are , well, right…but wrong.

This morning when I woke I thought to my slightly hung over self," You need to get up and run before it's 110 degrees out"

Yes, yes I do.  Then the arguing in my head, which I believe most runners do began.  "well, it is 6:10 am.  I'll just relax a bit more."

6:50 am, I could pick out paint colors for Olive's room.  Or how about I go vacuum the basement and finish up the laundry?  

"JUST GET UP!!!"

ok, ok…I'm up, but wait a minute.  When did I poop last?  I can't remember.  And although men do not understand this concept, I can't always remember when I pooed last because sometimes it is 3 days back.  Hmmmm?  I worked the last 3 days.  I know I didn't poop at work, that is impossible.  Was it Monday? No wait, it must have been Tuesday because we ate at the burrito place Monday night.  Almost 3 day ago.  I can't run if I don't poo first and 3 days of poo…now that is bad business.

7:15 am, let me have some coffee and see.  Ok.  Coffee, Facebook, think about it…and presto.  Off to the bathroom.  I unload and think:  good, but that was not nearly 3 days worth, but I pooed so I should be ok for at least 3.5 miles.  There is a bathroom at the Lake.

Shoes on, poop flushed, 7:55 am and 75 degrees out…let's get a move on lazy ass.

I get to the lake and feel good.  I put on Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast set my Nike + look for my friend Kris…(she's not there, but I always look)…and off I go.  I run a quarter of a mile and turn and decide to go the other direction around the Lake because I know the bathroom is closer….you know, just in case.

I run slow and steady.  The sound of Bill Burr in one ear and the crunchy gravel in the other.  The sky is clear and the mountains are visible for a change since the fires.  I run one mile, two miles.  My Nike says " Halfway point".  I'm on the farside of the lake, I'm keeping pace, sweating and wondering if all this working out is even worth it.  I'd rather be drinking Mimosas and eating a breakfast burrito.  Then I feel it.  Mile 2.75  a grumble, not in my stomach, but a little lower.  my mind begins to panic and my butt begins to tighten.   

No… Not on this side of the lake.  there is nothing here but wide open space, walkers and prairie dogs.  

I try to focus on what I'm listening to on my iPod .  This happens often, it gurgles then it recedes and I can make it to where I need to be before it lets loose.  I KNEW it…that was not enough this morning!…It's ok, I'll make it to the bathroom.  So, like the little engine that could I started the mantra.  You can make it You can make it ….I started looking at the prairie dog holes as options.  How rude would that be?  jeez.  I was looking at each sage brush as I passed by, "would anyone notice if I just shat right there?"  

Gurgle Gurgle

Argh…shit,…I'm not going to make it…I have to NOT think about this it's only 1 more mile to the bathroom …Don't fart, dont break wind….don't pass anyone…just clench and run, clench and run, 

Stupid Burrito…I don't care if it was 3 days ago, because I know it was the culprit.

As I eased around the lake and hit the welcoming sidewalk I could see the bathroom…"you can do it…don't think, "   As soon as I start thinking about not thinking about pooping. I decide I better walk so that I can clench better.  But then it takes longer to get to the bathroom…GurGle.  

I feel a little toot coming on.  No, No….that is NOT a toot.  don't even think if you toot that will relieve the pressure.  But my mind said one thing and my bodily functions said another.  

I just want you to know.  I made it to the bathroom.

The door was locked.

I was wearing running shorts with a pair of underwear on and they also had their own underwear sewn in with elastic cinched type leg holes.

I need these

I am thankful for the elastic pantaloons.  I am not thankful for the Burrito.  I would say my pride is hurt, but actually I kind of laughed to myself.  

Everyone poops.

Now maybe not in their running shorts at mile 3, but "shit happens'…and it was just a bit, tiny…you know…a warning for next time.  " Make sure you are done pooping before you run"

This is reality.

This is funny...

Seriously, it is

write ya later

m

PS…click the links…

running, a love hate relationship

this is what I look like after I run 5 miles.  

look at those sexy pits.

Face is red.

jeez

Running,  love hate relationship. 

 So unlike beer, which is a love love relationship.  

But in order to eat and drink I must first run or workout.

The thing about running is that it is a competition with your self.  It really is the strangest thing.

You run, then you think, "man, this sucks.  I hate this.  I really am not enjoying myself."  run a bit farther. " Man, it's hot"  

"I have to poop"

"ok, maybe I can run to the next bathroom."

At this point, for me, it is a catch-22.  I know have to run or crap myself.  I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this mantra for running.

Run so that you can find a place to poo.

or pee…usually it's poo.

runners bowels.

As I run, I also often wonder if it gets easier or more enjoyable.  After 3 years of running I still don't jump out of bed, slap on sunscreen and announce, "I'll be out enjoying my run!"

I usually try to put it off as long as possible then think of excuses as to why I shouldn't go.

BUT….

running is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done for myself.

I started with Couch to 5k.  I had never run…ever….not even to escape a snake in the road.

I kept at it and did it.

My legs have never felt stronger.

my stomach/core has never been flatter or stronger.

there is no more super seat spread when i sit down in the car.

It's amazing.

Give it a try.  

It costs close to nothing, you can do it anywhere

just remember…

slow and steady wins the race.

if you have a hard time slow down, you are only racing with yourself.

Clean Eating Blackeyed Pea and Collards Soup…vegetarain

I'm starving.

I've been working out and training for the Mud Run and I figured I might as well do another 10K while I'm at it.

So, I have been starving to death.

When I'm starving to death I want to eat a lot

and Soup is like Salad

You can eat a lot with little calories and fat.

heres what I made this evening:

Vegetarian Blackeyed Pea, Collards with Swt Potatoe

Ingrediants:

blacked eyed peas ( i used a bag of frozen organic)

1 sweet pot

1 bunch collard greens

1/4 onion

1 can of diced tomatoes ( i rinse them, but do as you please)

1 box of organic veggie broth (use homemade if ya got it)

seasonings

pepper, garlic salt, cumin, red pepper

whatever you like :)

chop everything.

If you are NOT familiar with Collards, you want to fold them in half and cut the crunchy thick stem out.

then roll them into a big bunch and slice them

*collards are a bit peppery…and yummy and so good for you

 I threw the onion, collards and swt pots in with a smidge of olive oil.

let them cook for a few minutes.

Add the veggie broth, tomatoes, and blackeyed peas…cover and let cook until peas are tender.

add seasoning of your choice.  I like to add hot pepper flakes.

This is excellent served with cornbread, but I'm not sure if cornbread is on the clean eating diet

Enjoy bowl after bowl.

I have to get back to my busy work of laundry and knitting.

write ya later….

xo

m