Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

Mom Boobs..........

 For Fuck's Sake....

Seriously,

Remember when time took forever? You know...You are in middle school and summer can't get there soon enough. Christmas took forever to arrive.  Getting a driver's license seemed like it would never happen....

and getting old???.....

You would NEVER EVER EVER be 30, let alone 40, 50, or 60.

I remember walking into the living room, at about age 15, and announcing to my mom......

"My boobs are too high!...I hate it, Why can't they look like normal boobs?" 

(Normal boobs being Farrah Fawcett boobs, or any of the other young women I saw on the beach...but mostly Farrah Fawcett)

My mom took a sip of her Vodka, which was neatly disguised in a coffee cup, and said, "oh?...Well you just wait .... you wait until you are my age and you will be paying money to have them put back up under your neck....just wait"

I announced......

I'm never gonna be your age and if I am, I won't care about my boobs.

Guess what?????

I'm her age now and much to my dismay and chagrin...

my boobs are right where she said they would be.  All those times watching my mom get dressed in her fancy outfits, bending from the waist to adjust her mom boobs into her bra then adjust it again so that it sits nicely under her clothes....that's me...

same....

Mom boobs.

here's is an awesome video of a young mom and her fabulous mom boobs....

bless her heart 

@jessmariee7  Tiktok

sound on....

I adore her

that lil wiggle and laugh....

Well,

mom boobs....

hopefully they are hip amongst my age group....

but.

neither here nor there

we got em

xo 

write ya later

m

it wasn't fast

 I just have to laugh...seriously....How long can this divorce last!???

papers have been filed....now I have to wait before I can buy house, buy a car, remove him from my insurance, shit....I can't even rent anything at this point.

it's insane.....but.  whatever.  It is going to be fine.  But a year and a half for a divorce between 2 people who really have nothing is ridiculous.  We have spent more in lawyer fees than we probably make in a year.   Because of him.  I'll leave that there.   I was willing to give him half of everything, the house ....etc....but he fought it.   

whatever.

So, here I am.

waiting still

I have said this a million times. I laugh that it seems so simple 

I just want to live and be happy.  I want to laugh and take care of the people in my life.

I want to have abs,

I want to have a house in  CR...

I want to have sex, good sex,

I want my kids to be happy,

I want my ex lovers to see my beauty....

I want to travel,

I want to be able to ride a gravel bike with my friends ...and not die....

Soon.  soon they say.

I dont want to buy a 450k house, (which still needs updated)

 because that is all that is available....

I'd rather live in a shack in CR

I dont want to rent

I want my kid to be happy

I want my lover to be happy

I want my friends to still love me

I don't want people to say "wow that was fast"

because....

it was not fast.   it was miserably slow.   10 years of the 19 were mostly sad, and self deprecating, and not living life to my fullest.    so ,NO ! it wasn't fast.   Shut your mouth.   Let me live ...

ok....

my rant for the night.

xo,

m

What? 100 days Left?

Did you hear?

Only about 100 days of 2020 left

Should I rejoice 

or cry.

Just this morning I woke up and thought

"when Summer gets here I have so much I want to do"

then....

I remembered its's 2020 and Summer is over.

stupid covid

Costa Rica last year in October....

It is the place which calls my heart on a daily basis.

So, as I sit typing this and glance at my vision board I realized I have not completed a damn thing this Covid season.

Short of "saving the world" in NYC

which was quickly forgotten....

 and replaced by divorce, living a smaller life,

 and trying to figure out how I can live and survive in CR.

I have really accomplished nothing.

I posted the picture to keep me somewhat accountable and positive

I was reminded how beautiful I am and that maybe I don't see what others may see.

It makes me laugh because I will forever be self conscious, even at 52.

Sure I put on a bikini....

but I also don't want to see pictures.

Sure I work out,

but I also can't seriously commit to a huge plan in order to see change.

I find myself wanting to sit with my Loves instead of stressing at the gym.

I'd rather walk my dog and clear my head than do sit-ups and push ups

Let's be honest ....

anyone who knows me knows I'd rather have a beer than do anything

ha...

truth

My divorce is hopefully getting closer to the end

seeing how it has been a year 

so, my time can be spent on more productive thoughts than 

that.

I can't wait to see what the second half brings and the day I can let it all go,

to only look back on the good and be able to be who I am without a monitor

xo

write ya later

m

Weightlessness, no gravity

Were we somewhere in-between?

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Oh, highway boys all sleeping in

With their dirty mouths and broken strings

Oh, their eyes are shining like the sea

For you, the queen of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Cutting through the avenues

I'd always find my way to you

Beside the hook, the hammer lies

And fumbling round in the smoke

Spending time chasing ghosts

Hold me down, hold me down, child

Hold me down, hold me down, child

California called you queen

With your golden hair and magazine

Were you somewhere in-between?

Fast asleep, a flying dream

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

 

selling it short....

until you take charge, and ask me to get dressed up to go somewhere,

 where you can look good standing next to me....

you are not getting the good stuff.

period

yall need to tighten up your game.

xo

m

Day 210: Selfies My Way

Day 210

green smoothie wreck

7/29/19

Green Smoothie: Spinach, (blah), green apple, strawberry, put butter, banana, whey protein powder, water....blend, chia seeds.

meal complete, sans chewing...

perfect for my nonchalant, sick of chewing attitude.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to take nice candid shots of me...ya know, just so when I'm missing they will find me...

If you were to look on B's social media or phone, or picture history you will find no mention (in pictures) of me.  There are many many pictures of Olive, of himself...his car, his guitars, amps....motorcycles....dog....

not me.

I asked him about this and he said his social media is for work.

Hmmm...ok. are tacos work?

What I believe to be true is that I am slightly under par according to him.

so we will leave it at that.

In return I take many of my own happy selfies...

the best being the "I don't care after workout/ run" selfies

 and leg and feet selfies ( because they are always cute).

They go lots and lots of places.

I have even contemplated a picture book of all the travels and countries I have photoed my feet.

not for anyone...just me....dont worry I won't be gifting those.

candid photos are a luxury because you have to have someone who sees something and who has the care to take a picture.

I take a ton of pictures and my favorites are the ones I take of my friends just being.

They hate it until I send them later.  

I often see them used as profile pics and such which makes me happy.

I'm careful to never post an unflattering picture because I feel that is a bit of a bummer and happens quite often when I'm looking at random shots on media.

capturing people in their form is a beautiful loving thing.

here are a few that make me smile.

 Kris ....old lady cartwheels....yes she was drinking

we call her Betty, and she is always smiling and gives the best hugs.

Photo ops....It wasn't my op, but I took advantage

This kid was funny...dog dish reinvented....

the Litas...I took this, they use it all the time...I'm not in it

my sweet work wife, Heather....ready for radiation

Pictures ....

Don't hate me for snapping so many, If I love you.....

I have pictures.

snap ya later,

m

Let's go there...Dad Bod

Been hearing a lot about "Dad Bod" lately.

I'm not completely behind the term, because it kind of has a bit of a negative connotation.  

Dad bod....when I hear it, I think...well, Walmart, Big Belly, hairy back, white socks, and dirty sneakers.

But right now it's HOT...From advertisements to movie stars...women are endorsing the basic man body aka dad bod.

But just this past week...I got a look at what the younger generation is calling "dad bod"

Joe Jonas.....Dad Bod...

DAD BOD!!!???

and this?....

ooooh wait...

wait....maybe dad bod?...

but he doesn't have any kids!!!

how about this dad bod?

I don't know, I'm not buying it.

Here's why...

The internet is going crazy over Joe Jonas's new thicc stature.

and hating on Jason?

at least Jason Momoa has kids....not to mention his smoking hot wife.

let's talk about this

These guys are sexy....

185# or 320#

they are sexy AF and I would not consider this daddy body, but even if it was, I wouldn't care or blink an eye.  

are they getting a hard time over it?   maybe they should, they haven't had any kids or birthed any kids, all they are doing is enjoying life for a bit of time, eating a few donuts, and smoking cigars....so I can't really knock that.

But I am a bit jealous.

Now let us examine the phenomenon of 

MOM BOD

No one, not even most moms ,want mom bod.  

We fight it, try to correct it, hide it and never ever show the results of carrying a 10# baby, let alone twins or triplets.

I was lucky...

I had good genes on my side. 

At 5' tall 105# I had 2 almost 10# babies and came out with cellulite on my ass, minimal stretch marks on my hips and that was about it.

I give credit to my exceptionally deep belly button.

(it is literally like the black hole)

But take a look at this real look at Mom Bod

I cried the first time I saw my friend's belly 3 years after she had her kid...

she had a 6# baby but gained 72 #s

It looked like a tree trunk.  She had lost the weight but never regained the elasticity and now deals with  skin that she tucks into her pants and tries to be proud she made a beautiful human.

SHE MADE A HUMAN!!!

what did you do Joe Jonas?

 mom bod from mom.com

It's all good, but scroll back up and look at Joe Jonas, and tell me....

what would you rather???

Dad Bod, or Mom Bod?

(at this point I personally would do any bod...)

But that is a different post.

from an article in The Conversation

“The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive.”

and I agree.

I love dad bod.  

So, if you are rocking the Basic Dad Bod...you are in luck, it is in style right now.

You lucky men don't even have to lift a finger.

except to maybe eat a donut and drink a beer, hell, you don't even have to be a dad to enjoy the benefits of the dad bod....

Let the records reflect

dad bod is THE bod.

So, love your thicc self

The world is embracing the Dad Bod

xox,

write ya later,

m

ps still working on my mom bod recovery.

365 days : I run so you don't have to

you are welcome...

Today I ran so you don't have to.

I would like you to know we did NOT run far, so don't worry

Foxxy and I ran 2. 2 miles 

Then she gave up...

Looked at me as if the heat was going to be the death of her....

I looked at her and said, 

"Don't worry, I gotta poop....so we are both done"

She panted home the last mile and I concentrated on not having to go poo.

It's a runners thing.

maybe it's just my thing.

Anyways, I did minimal thinking on my run, which was nice.

A couple of times I thought...

wow, my legs feel pretty good and I'm gonna chalk that up to doing nothing for the past week or so.

I'm calling it my recovery drink and eat week....

and scroll through Instagram and then feel shitty for doing nothing all week, week.

pretty much a good week in my book.

As you can see from my picture I am carb loading for the mere fact I can.  

This was the first time in a while I looked at myself in the mirror and thought

you look good.

you are in a good spot.  

Looks good on you 

50 is good

....

well, don't look at that part, ignore that part....

and ignore that toenail that fell off from running yesterday

but everything else....

good job, lady

Sometimes, a good break from everything really pays off

I noticed it has made the house feel better.

Me, just doing what I want and not fretting.

the vibe is good.

did you hear that?

I gotta good vibe goin on.

2 days from now I will be relaxing in my bikini, giving an additional zero fucks, wishing I could tan, as I slather on the 50 block...

Wishing I could hold my liquor better,

and wishing I looked more put together....

but all that....

that is NOTHING.

Lately,

Ive literally been rocking this shit.

so, go relax...

I all ready ran, 

If ya wanna carb load, go ahead,

because we good 

xo,

write ya later