What? 100 days Left?

Did you hear?

Only about 100 days of 2020 left

Should I rejoice 

or cry.

Just this morning I woke up and thought

"when Summer gets here I have so much I want to do"

then....

I remembered its's 2020 and Summer is over.

stupid covid

Costa Rica last year in October....

It is the place which calls my heart on a daily basis.

So, as I sit typing this and glance at my vision board I realized I have not completed a damn thing this Covid season.

Short of "saving the world" in NYC

which was quickly forgotten....

 and replaced by divorce, living a smaller life,

 and trying to figure out how I can live and survive in CR.

I have really accomplished nothing.

I posted the picture to keep me somewhat accountable and positive

I was reminded how beautiful I am and that maybe I don't see what others may see.

It makes me laugh because I will forever be self conscious, even at 52.

Sure I put on a bikini....

but I also don't want to see pictures.

Sure I work out,

but I also can't seriously commit to a huge plan in order to see change.

I find myself wanting to sit with my Loves instead of stressing at the gym.

I'd rather walk my dog and clear my head than do sit-ups and push ups

Let's be honest ....

anyone who knows me knows I'd rather have a beer than do anything

ha...

truth

My divorce is hopefully getting closer to the end

seeing how it has been a year 

so, my time can be spent on more productive thoughts than 

that.

I can't wait to see what the second half brings and the day I can let it all go,

to only look back on the good and be able to be who I am without a monitor

xo

write ya later

m

Weightlessness, no gravity

Were we somewhere in-between?

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Oh, highway boys all sleeping in

With their dirty mouths and broken strings

Oh, their eyes are shining like the sea

For you, the queen of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Cutting through the avenues

I'd always find my way to you

Beside the hook, the hammer lies

And fumbling round in the smoke

Spending time chasing ghosts

Hold me down, hold me down, child

Hold me down, hold me down, child

California called you queen

With your golden hair and magazine

Were you somewhere in-between?

Fast asleep, a flying dream

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

 

back it up

this truck is backed up against a wall...

perfectly fitting into this tiny space

lately, 

I feel this truck

but just like when I saw this truck....

I just laugh

I wouldn't mind going back to the tree house in 

Costa Rica with this piece of work

↴

or donning my adventure shoes again.....

soon

until then 

Life is good 

or as we say,

tolerable

As public as I am I still carry many things private.

This is a big week for me

Possibly the beginning of my new life, in which I am scared to death and ready for all in one.

not really having anyone to ask or to bounce things off of....

 I find myself moving through this labyrinth alone.

No one really asks

and even if they did...

what help could they offer except for the obligatory'

"It all is going to be fine in the end"

One more day ....

I Got Your Back..... Bullshit

So, it's been a bit .....

closer to a year than not

If you have been reading this blog for a while you pretty much know my jam. my humor, my kids, my knitting, my marriage....or non marriage.

19 years....

I finally made a decision and I am going to take the time to do a bit of discussion as a 51 year old woman going through a divorce in which I was the instigater of.

People change

We all deserve happiness

We don't have to just stay because...anymore

I spent 22 years caring for a beautiful family,,,,

in that time I went to school  (twice) waitress to bachelors of science degreee....
becoming a nurse with insurance etc.

all with a couple of kids and working full time.

I loved, I supported, I had great friends and family....

I had a marriage.

It was beautiful....we laughed, we rode motos , we saw bands....

we traveled, cared for kids....

but people change 

and that is OK

I have always been a person who needs others.

I grew up in a huge family with my brothers always around.

Someone always loved me

As I went through my years I was always the independent girl...but deep down I needed love, touch, acknowledgment 

I still do.

some people like to say,

"Take a break....be alone ....love yourself"

nope...

I love love

I love being WITH someone 

I WANT to be with someone who desires to be with me.

now that we have that clear.

I'm getting a divorce.  OMG.  

we all deserve happiness.... I have no hatred....

I just want to be with people who want me....who build me up....

who want to have fun

who love and love life.

and love others.....

so, people change

I have many friends and men I adore....

and women I adore....

with this change...

this man I am seeing right now .....

people can not be happy for us...

for him

Yes...19 years we were together....and no one will ever know our lives

but my new life....

just let us be happy

the super sad part is?....

his friends always say " I got your back"

but they have left him

The ones who were my friends ....

fuck it.

call me a whore, 

unfaithful,

shitty....

I know I'm not.

I'm a grown ass woman 

but for him

the new man...

he loves his friends,

and they have shunned him like he carries the plague

all over being happy

Loving someone 

honestly loving.

we are not 22

we are more than halfway done with our lives and we want what we want

honestly....

at my age just let me love.

a divorce is a divorce.... yes it hurts, yes its expensive (doesn't have to be) 

but for my friends to take sides and to act like we are different now is heart breaking

Ive watched many of my friends go through stuff the last few years which is ridiculous.

if I don't agree I say something,....but never cut them out when they need love most.

Our hearts are strong 

but our minds are not when it comes to people we have trusted and befriended for so long

my heart breaks for my guy

how his friends have left him and talked shit and gossiped

almost worse than girls

well

that's my diatribe on being friends and having someone's back

how being 50 plus years old and moving on to have true happiness in your later years is so frowned upon.

I've served my time.

no one did wrong.

we just need different things now.

so have my back

ya know

?

xo,

m

day 23 : Birthday Girl

Ya know...

Birthday time again

51.

fifty one fucking years old

red shoe tradition...

I'm hanging by a thread

xo,

m

happy birthday all you Aquarians