Have I become the Grim Reaper?...

 Or maybe that little cloud that follows people around?

days have been long,

and nights short

when one needs to sleep

an oddity for me,

I have been sleeping 

and

awaken only to want to sleep more

exhausted

Work has become respite

They said 3 days

panic

anger

sadness

Did you know?

Is that why you came

Is that why you sold everything and came

Then left when I questioned

your health

your sanity

your day to day life

?

we are on day 4

you said you will fight 

I cannot come

I will not burden your struggling brain

but you must try

Costa Rica 

We were looking at houses

the beach

you know

I am angry

when I said you need to go,

now

you should have gone

I should have made you

you are so stubborn

It would have given us 

4 extra weeks

I care for these people

I know

I know the outcome

You

know

the outcome

and here we are

30 years

my heart

our heart

xo

m

I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

Alopecia Sucks Update…. bummer

His hair started to come back.  

It apparently is on a 4 month schedule.

Well here's is the beginning of the next  round

These photos are right before we went to Studio Boom to get it shaved.

He left just a little in the front so that when he wears his hat , there is a bit of fringe in the front.

The third picture is the worst.

It is the first time it has started to fall out all connected istead of patches.

He tries to not be efected by it.  Plays the tough guy, but his grades are starting to reflect other wise.

It's hard to watch and not try to micro manage.

16 years old…it should be about making out and goofing off.

Not worrying about if your hat will stay on.

Need vs Want with a teen.

"I need a phone..."

What for, Ilin...you have no friends and you never talk on the phone.

"Well, I would if I had one."

NOOOOOO, what you mean is you would play Angry Birds on the phone.  You don't really need a phone.

"Well, Dad said he's getting me one"

Of course he did...BECAUSE!!!!....2 months ago when I asked him if he would get Ilin a phone he said ," I'm not getting him a phone just because you guys have decided to get rid of your land lines"  

ok then...

So, I dwelled on it. I decided if Ilin gets the Youth Corp job I would get him a phone for graduating 8th grade and getting his first job.  I would add him onto my plan...give him a low end phone and see how he does.  I let his father know this was my plan....secret.

Yesterday at dinner he says, "Dad's getting me a DROID"  (as he was giving me that angry 14 year old look)  

what?  what did you just say?  

"I saaaaiiiiddddd, Dad is getting me a Droid.  He's knows of this plan where its just 25$ a month and he said you guys can split it."  

I calmly sat my fork down and readjusted my head from spinning around backwards.

that fucker....

(I didn't say that)

Ilin, what do you need a 250$ phone for?  

"so, I can call people"

jeesus christ.  This is coming from a kid who won't even leave the house to walk down the street to see a friend....really...to call people....?

No you are not...I SAID, you would be getting a small non fancy phone to prove you are responsible enough to have a phone, then we will talk about it....plus I'm not splitting anything...Actually, if he wants to take the responsibility he can do the entire thing.

"Fine...I'm gonna tell him that"

Arrrrrghghghghg, you lil shit.

he put his dishes in the dishwasher and went to email his dad.

Now, once again, I look like the jackass.  damnit.  

But I don't have a DROID...why does he get a Droid?  He can barely change his underwear without prompting....

How does it happen?

You know, I try to be compassionate, loving,and such but I guess I just can't!  I'm a bitch.  Really.  I woke up this morning in a foul mood even though yesterday I kept it together quite nicely.

I was put on call for Wednesday night so I didn't have really any stress for Thanksgiving, which was quite nice.  A friend from the hubs work emailed and wanted to know if we could join them at their parents house.  Great!  That sounds fun. Eat with them Tday, then cook ours the next day.  It will be nice to be around family, even if its not ours.  

As luck would have it, and every other Thanksgiving or Christmas, Bobby was "sick".  It's a common theme around here.  He will never admit it but I believe it might be psychosomatic.

More Holidays than not, he is sick with a cold or runny nose or cough or flu.  

So, yesterday, he stayed in bed until 11am.  I made him call his friend and say we couldn't come over.  He stated that maybe he would be better later....hahahahahaha

As the day went on.  I did notice he was a bit too sick to actually help me with anything, but he appeared to be able to drink cocktails and talk on the phone.  So as my mood stayed up, because I swore I would be  nice, I could feel it boiling below the surface.  Olive helped me with the Thanksgiving meal.  You know we had to go through the normal hoopla of making that huge bird for Bobby, who only eats white meat, and I end up trying to figure out how to utilize the rest for the next week...we made our tofurky...and we watched daddy hobble around sniffling.  We made it through dinner and Olive and I stayed up to watch all the holiday specials and daddy went to bed.

Last night,here's where my foul mood quadrupled....Olives alarm clock went off at midnight, because she is trying to stop wetting the bed at night.  The issue is she doesn't hear it, I do, so I have to get up and yell and scream for her to go potty.  Bobby snorkled in his own snot all night keeping me awake with his snoring and turkey farts.  This morning at 430 am Eddie, the dog, got up and started doing crazy ass laps up and down the stairs  until I threatened to lock him in with Olive.  

I got maybe 18 minutes of sleep.

now everyone is going to pay.

Damn this holiday.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent...I'm sure it is going to get better.

I'll go read everyone else's blogs about how awesome their families are, and how they set the tables with designer dishes and hand blow glasses that they did their selves while breastfeeding their cherubic, non vomiting infant.  

Enjoy your day

love 

m

In the depths of the phone...

I found this:

olive baby, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

it appears the pixels are off...but it cracked me up, buried in the depths of my crappy ancient phone was this blue eyed doe. Chubby cheeks and all.

I look and this and try to remember that I do love kids.

although it's hard when she is upstairs screeching at how mad she is right now.

you know...

she is older and obviously much wiseassier now.

she sure was cute.

was being the key word.

joking...she still has her moments.

so mad!!!!

the lady who had the Hutch decided NOT to sell it. I KNOW it's because I told her what I was going to do with it.

so ...instead of firing off a bunch of angry emails...

I sent Bobby to Home Depot to get me a new LG washer, which we can't afford.

I'm really angry right now...

reaaaaaalllly