I cant fix it

 

Here I am.  

full of hate and angst

I'm going to talk about things people don't want me to talk about  

I want to die

often

I know it's not ok...I know we aren't supposed to talk about it

it's for teens ....it's for crazy people ...it's for psychos

but....

I'm just a mom, struggling....53. 

struggling

I ache with pain from what my son has experienced and what I had to see that day....and the aftermath it has brought.  being a nurse, I have seen so much....but this hurt me...his love,  there on the floor...him outside in his underwear with no support ....nothing....her on the floor dead......

it hurt me

I couldn't fix it

I couldn't help myself by leaving and going to NY to help with Covid,

I divorced...

I hopefully saved him, but not me

I still couldn't feel like I did anything.   I really did nothing....

NY

I was just there...I did what I could....I did my job....but my heart still hurts

I couldn't fix it....

my daughter hurts....

I can't help her

I can't fix it

I can't fix myself

I go to work everyday and help fix others ..........

It's my job

but here I am, 

every night with no sleep

with thoughts of death....

with thoughts my children may kill their selves because of my poor parenting

I can't fix it

.......

m

I'm cooking

Almost every night I cook dinner for the family and me.

I still feel it's important to sit at the dinner table and eat together.

Even if sometimes we don't talk.

Its a chance to check in, help each other in the kitchen, and know that we are all still here in the house.

I used to love to cook.  I would think about what I was going to cook starting when I woke up.

I'm not sure when it changed, but I find cooking now tedious, unless I'm totally into it.

I often have to cook 2 different meals due to the fact B is not vegetarian.

My skills at cooking meat are not poor. The issue is that B does not really like meat....so he is hard to cook for.

I have attempted everything and I know I'm not a horrible cook, because I have cooked for others and they love it.

I feel, just as anyone else, planning ahead is key to healthy eating and not being overly pissed off when you have to cook a meal.

Tonight I made this stuff:

I was gifted one of those fancy spiralizer things and it was actually pretty awesome.

I carefully shredded up 2 small zucchini and only got my thumb once.

Sautéed in olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper.

I plated it up and topped with a veggie burger, spicy pickles, rooster sauce and half a nice perfect avocado.

It was tasty.

and it only took about 20 minutes.

I'm guessing it was fairly healthy.

After dinner, I finished reading this book

Catering to men, it addresses what society has put onto the shoulders of our men and why they are having a difficult time in present day.

But guess what?

I must be part male because that stuff pertained to me in a weird way.

These masks, ugh, the masks!

Now, not only do I have daily life conundrums, 

I have mask worry.

I don't really need any more worries.

all in all, the day was ok. Cooked, finished a book, finished one knitted sock (which did not fit), dwelled on the situation at hand and still did not initiate a much needed conversation.

WTF?

O, is at a friends and today would have been a good time...

but I'm scared. 

what is wrong with me!

Don't answer that.....

please

write ya later,

xo 

m

This song....

It helped today, 

Traveling to Costa Rica -- Our Budget

So we have been wanting to go to Costa Rica for a vacation and we bagan planning a good 9 months in advance , well, because that is how I roll.  Plus I am cheap and like to know what everything costs and get the best deal.  First and foremost:  I signed up for hotels.com and we also have a southwest credit card.   I paid for everything on the CC then repaid wth the money I had saved through the year. This way I had the money. I was't accruing debt and when I paid the CC bill I also was able to get points for future flights.  I love this!   But please....dont make debt for a vacation.  Save ahead. Plan ahead

We are traveling as a family of 3 and my sister decide to go too...so if you want to go by our budget this would work well for 2 couples sharing a room or if it was just a family of 3 it may be a bit cheaper.   I'll tell you as a couple you could do this for less....but I will break it down for you,

This budget is for 9 days, hotels and tickets but no food or incrementals .  Ill try to include that after the vacation for those planning ahead.  Once I know exactly how much everything costs.

 It also includes the exit tax which I heard was needed to leave. :)

(except after the election, we may not want to come back!)

We had looked at VRBO and other places. There are so many amazing places to go and stay, but we decided for our first venture we would use Hotels.com.   

I was able to use my sign in acct and on Fridays they often had 50% off so many nice hotels are cheap. I will update and review the hotels once we travel.

So here is the breakdown of the costs.  We flew SW.  

Ill keep you posted on more as I figure it out .

write ya later

m

The Doll House Which Saved the World

I came home tonight from a long and soul sucking shift.    Angry, tired, and plain exhausted I couldnt get a hold on my head. 

 Life is what you get dealt, regardless of your standing on the ladder. 

 4 glasses of boxed wine, half a cold pizza, and 4 episodes of Breaking Bad.... I opened an email,

which, I thought was porn, titled"prettiest girl ever standing..." to see my little girl... not in porn, but spending time with her Aunt Sally. As the pictures opened, the grief, sadness and emotion poured from me. 

 The 12 hours of feeding a Hospice patient morphine every 15 minutes, explaining to the family why their mother,grandmother,wife was breathing so agonally…12 hours of sneaking to the bathroom to splash my red ,teared face..........it was all washed away.... Olive, alone with her Aunt Sally, playing with a doll house which meant the world to me. A doll house I longed for every other month when I stayed with my nieces.... hand made with love. Each picture opened and I could feel my angst wash away, looking at my daughter playing with a child hood memoryof my very own, alone, quiet, and happy.  My heart ached for my mom, for my dad....for a family I want my children to have. A family which my family in another state is making right for me. 

The family my dying patient had. All together, smiling, remimiscing, allowing love to happen.

I am thankful

here is the link to the slideshow for more details of the wonderful handmade doll house

These pictures of a day so simple washed it all away.

xoxox,

m

Santa Tea and Deer Run

It's Saturday, and it snowed.  Its divine, yet oh so cold.

It made me think about the Holidays we shared years ago.  The entire family on Deer Run.  Together, divorced, shunned and loved.  It didn't matter, we were all there.

The kids played like no other day.

The house had a rope swing from the top of the basement stairs which swung directly into the laundry area, and if you did it just right... you wouldn't hit the pole directly in the middle of the basement.

A trampoline which could apparently hold 50+ kids.

I don't remember ever getting hurt, and even if you did, the "adults" were drinking "eggnog and Hot Toddies" and were never to be disturbed unless a limb was missing.

We played kick the can…and hide and seek.

We slid down the stairs on old quilts and cardboard boxes piled 3 kids high.

(we did often get hurt doing this, but never said anything)

We never watched TV…

we didn't play video games

We looked at the "corkboard wall of pictures" on the second floor.

We peeked into adult rooms and sometimes used the potty that wasn't for kids.

We tried to read Babaar and Madeline in French 

(always convienently placed on the bottom shelf of the never ending book shelf)

we sometimes read MAD magazine, while warming up…

then headed right back out for snowball fights and hikes in the woods.

I have a fond memory of the boys building a sledding ramp which hopped the street until a semi sober adult realized it wasn't the best idea.

Deer Run…

the street memories were made of.

I wish I could have grown to experience it as an adult…

with my kids playing in the yard with family galore.

dream a little dream

watering the drive in your underwear

I grew up with an unavailable Father.  It wasn't by his choice, it was the luck of the draw.  Either that, or too much aluminum in his food.

A combination of a few things related to the time I was raised, and the Alzheimer's, has made me unavailable, in life, also.

Recently I have heard I have a tough outer shell, that I can really be a cold, hearted, bitch...where is my compassion?

Maybe, just maybe, I lost my compassion.  I lost it somewhere between child hood and teen years.  I lost it sledding in the beautiful Michigan snow with my dad and picking him up at the guard house, in our gated community, after he had wondered off in his underwear .... and was found on the 3rd hole of the golf course, looking for golfballs.

Yes, golfballs .

 I became a non crier.  I became tough and I found a sense of humor.   I found my own defense mechanisms.  I never really thought much about friends coming over and seeing dad watering the driveway, instead of the grass, in his underwear.  

Hell, at least he had underwear on.  

My select group of friends knew the situation and dealt as well as they could, uncomfortably so, but dealt with it.  I believe it was because with the crazies at the Graves' house came quite a bit of unsupervised fun and a lot of adult parties.  Maybe it was because they liked me...but I never thought about that until recently.

I'm not sure I ever properly learned how to love.  Our household was busy with drama.  Stolen tires in the swimming pool, pot growing unknowingly in Mom's beautiful garden, locks changed on the doors too many times to count, and too many calls from the local jail.  Banned to a different room was my way of life growing up.  I wasn't to hear what was going on, but, Ohhhh what I heard and it formed my life.  All those brothers yet no real men in my life to form a proper identity as to what was right and what was wrong.

I never dated.  I tried.  I fell in love.  Yet there was no one to tell me what to do or not to do.  There was no father to bring this young man to meet.  By the time I was in that "too late young love" stage I was a goner.  The only deterrent I got from dating the guy was from my family who just stated they hated him and my gay brother who told me he once slept with him". Neither worked.... but as we all know, young love pans out, and the light shone bright.  Unfortunately, I will have to say, this first young love was the man who shaped my ideas of relationships and when this programming happens young, it is extremely hard to change.

No available father, crappy first loves, and a tough exterior, combined with that shitty sense of humor and here I am, at 42...still waiting.  Waiting to learn what is normal, when to give in and say this is as good as it gets or when to ask for more.  

Compassion?  I have a dog...I talk baby talk and kiss in-between his eyes...

Compassion? I clean peoples asses and tell them it's ok...I tell them I'll get them any type of pain medicine they want...not to worry.  

Compassion?....I speak to the dying and tell them its ok to go towards the light...I brush their hair before the family arrives.

The compassion has been sucked out of me.

Cold hearted bitch?  yea, probably, its a defense mechanism.

Little girl who stopped maturing at age 13, definitely...very much so.

write ya later

m

The Sequined Dive

     I could hear her before I saw her....

The sound of her high heeled clogs, the laughter only a few martinis can bring, and the beckoning call for retreat from the others.

     Up til this moment I had been enjoying myself in the resort, of which we lived, frolicking about in my tube top bathing suit with not a care in the world.

Taking turns with the tourists from all over the country, showing our skills in cannonball art and bathing suit retrieval.  My brother's were the Kings of the Cannonball and the occasional backwards gainers taking the time to show the tourists how cool the locals really were.  I, on the other hand, was a champion of bathing suit retrieval and tears.  At the age of 10 I had not quite learned the art of the tie around the neck swimsuits...I enjoyed the sleek 1970's beauty of the tube top.  This proved to be one of the subjects of great fodder for my new friends and brothers alike.

 Little was I to know that I was soon to be a subject of greater fodder which would haunt me for the rest of my life.

We were all toasty brown, with chlorine greened hair.  I lived on a diet of Shasta and bar pretzels, which were always put on room 113's tab, a little trick my older brother's taught me.  

We were on our own...except for Fridays.  FRIDAYS...the dreaded Fridays when the parental forces would come off the golf course and hit the "Sandollar Lounge", dressed in their finest resort wear to "tie one on".  They hardly ever even acknowledged us, except when they realized it was edging close to dinner time.  Then as if  magic tiny white plates of "Happy Hour" food would land at the pool side table for my brothers and me.  

It couldn't get much better than this. Utopia.

The sun would duck down over the 6 stories of the Resort and the pool lights would brighten the deepest parts of the pool.  The deck was aglow with summer.

Marco?   Polo!!!!   Marco...."hey, you can't get outta the pool!!!!"    Polo!!!!

The music of Wings and songs of Pina Coladas would flow from the bar as did the laughter.  Occasionally, we would peek through the poolside windows and see our parents dancing with other unknown parents, enjoying their cigarets and martinis, smiling....you know, "cutting a rug".

I was as free as the night was long.  Pretending I was from a mansion across the golfcourse, dripping with money only resort living could bring.  Not a care in the world.

Like I said, I heard it before I saw it.   The crazy laughter...the adults laughing, then my brothers saying  something to the effect of 

..."Oh No..."

Someone laughing, "That's our Gloria!!!" as the poolside double doors swung open.

The kids of all ages gasped as she stood in her sequined pants suit on the white of the resort deck.  Cocktail in hand, music flowing outside, the clippity clop of her high heels.  She was stunning.  She was, at that moment the magic she thought she was, and the horror I knew she could be.  

 I cringed. 

My brothers yelled and whistled....

Tourist kids clung to the side of the pool, eyes like saucers...

"is this resort life?" zipping through their teenage minds.

clippity clop clippity clop...

She was on the diving board before I could escape.  Sequins shining in the spotlight.  The pool was her stage.

The girl dog-paddling next to me  says, "Is that your Mamma?"

The tube top seemed so far away at that point, the fact the teen boys had seen my nippies was nothing anymore.

Before I could udder a lie, I hear the yell and the flash of the red sequins , "Cannonball!!!!!"

Wig bobbing in the deep end like a refuge.  A teen age boy holding a retrieved martini glass from the bottom of the 12 feet of resort pool, and my mom, sequined and backstroking across the water, laughing, laughing and laughing.   

"How was that boys?"

My nippies seemed so trivial now.

Tomorrow I will ask for a one piece.

Thanksgiving, non thanks

Thanksgiving... It's right around the corner. 

 I am probably one of the few, but I hate it.

It's not because I'm vegetarian, or because I'm not a big sports person, it's because we have no real family here.  Coming from a HUGE family when I was younger to moving as far away as possible has been a bit of a strain.

I chose my path so it's ok...I'm just saying, it's a start of the Holidays and all the things that it could be, but really isn't.

We have our own traditions and we make do...

but it can never make up for when I was a kid and waiting for my brothers to come home...or to see what my Aunts had brought...or better yet the gobs of nieces, nephews,cousins, and such that showed up for the day of festivities.

I don't remember all the arguing my now older family is often involved in, but I'm sure it was there.  I only remember the greatness of November.  The tag football, the trampoline jumping, and the late evening kick the can.

It is now eerily quiet.

A trip to the Zoo.

A turkey for one.

A late afternoon movie

followed by bed.

It was a big day in the neighborhood

People gathered around from all walks of life.

You know, wearing sequined dresses in the mid day, Bahama shorts and bikinis.

I, obviously, had on my fanciest knee socks.

Because it's not everyday your big brother, super star football player gets to go to prom with a "hottie" like this.

and then drive away in a car like that!

(may 1975)

Life was good at the end of the cul de sac. 

real good.

360 days of my life #22

At 7:20 the Angelic Miracle Worker Most Amazing Person/Vet in the world wants us to please come up so we can talk about Eddie and what we can proceed with. She said she got a small tail wag...and he peed!!!!!! (good) I jumped with joy. She said he is hurt very badly, but his bones are not broken. His insides are bruised, jumbled and she is very amazed he has recovered as well as he has. They don't have an overnight staff at the animal hospital, so she wants us to bring Eddie home for the night. ....OK...i am a nurse, but I am very scared. What if he starts to go down hill? You know he must have horrible pain...he can't talk. How will I know? She said if something takes a turn for the worse we are to transport him immediately to the emergency clinic (we are pretty lucky to have one right around the corner)...she will let them know what the situation is.

The kids have cried. Olive wrote a memory book, just in case he goes with Tonka....and Ilin is upstairs playing really angry sounding Punk Rock music on his bass.

I am drinking rum and coke ( i hate rum, but it was the only thing available) in the pint glass....and Bobby has measured the area for a 29 foot fence and called every fence installer in the area. We all deal differently.

I know that Ed was given to us by a weird fate...a weird higher thing that knew that he was what we needed as a family right then. I believe this. He's just a stupid big dog, but he has brought us all together in a way that nothing else could have at that time. Believing this has led me to also believe that being taken away so quickly could never have been in his cards. We need Ed and he needed us.

Last night I told Eddie , " Buddy... I love you so much. Thanks for having found us."

Life goes on...but I want it to go on with Ed.

yeah...Rock N Roll Baby

Perfect weekend this weekend...Except for a few minor details.
First I think I might have done a few drunken Blog comments....I'm blaming it on Plath. I always read her blog last and then I feel the need to comment on stuff even though it doesn't pertain to anything...so whoever was the recipient of those comments..oopsie :)
Let's see. I started out my weekend...thinking about what I was going to get myself with the midmonth paychecks. Middle of the month is good if all the planets are in a row and I have gotten everything paid for the first of the month. It means I can buy groceries, save a bit of $$$ in the pot, and maybe treat myself to some fancy tights or shoes (talkin' 50$ and under type of fancy)...anyways...I had been eyein' up a pair of cool socks from American Apparel, so I thought I better check my bank account. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What?!!!! Someone is buying Coach bags in Cerritos CA. with my $$$$ All my money, plus some. Nice. Must be Karma for something I did, all though I don't know for what , because I pretty much keep to myself. First thing I think is Bobby must have a girlfriend...shit...wait a damn minute, he can't be that stupid. Noooo I call him to find out about the girlfriend. "Oh, Yeah(he says)...They called from Merchant Services WEd. night and said someone was using the card, but I told them I have my card and that I am not in CA. so they better not let that go through." BUT they did let it go through!!!!! Looks like they caught the 300$ paintball excersion, the 285$ fish market purchase, but for some reason felt the crook needed a 600$ Coach bag. Which in turn Bounced every $4.27 purchase for Starbucks, or groceries, and Daycare checks...which as you all probably know led me down the spiral of 25$ service charge hell. Which puts me at just about -429.83$ Yes...Yes.... Breathe....

God Bless America. and my thoughts that people are good, gracious and honest. God Bless the Woman or fabulously Gay man who is strutting their stuff throughout smog ridden CA. right now, swinging my just released Winter Coach bag (please let them have gotten a nice one and not some ghetto pastel "C" bag). God bless the credit union who I have banked with for 20 years and knows that the biggest purchase I may ever have will be at Target the day after Xmas....God Bless them for calling to let us know the charges were happening and then LETTING THEM GO THROUGH ANYWAYS!!! God Bless them for tacking on the additional 25$ service fees one after another as the fake charges went through...and God Bless them for relizing I had savings, for vacation, in the account right next to it that they could continue to pull money out of. God Bless them and their safety measures....the fact we saw it happening, called the bank and they told us "I'm sorry, it's after business hours, you will have to come into the main branch (45 miles away) to contest the charges in person on MONDAY!) uhhhuh. Monday.
So, what did I do? Eff IT!
I went out on Saturday. Partied it up at the Fox Theater with the Hell's Belles and the Mighty 18 Wheeler, shopped my grocery ass off, bought Olive a new carseat, Ilin a new Bionichle, Bobby a new shirt, 2 fancy 6 packs of beer, filled the gas tanks up with gas....and rented movies for Sunday. Screw it...They can sort it out on MONDAY!!!! The way I see it...if all hadn't gone to Hell, I would have 1400 in my checking account, not -437.39 give or take a few bucks. God bless corporate America.

I'm done bitching, I'm done. Pretty much. I did have fun at the Fox. The guys rocked. I love hangin in the green room with the free cocktails and awesome view and the security guards swishing you in and out through different doors. It was nice...Synda and Chad came and even though it wasn't like seeing the Police or something it was cool. Thanks to Bobby and his guest list.

I got a shitload to do this morning before I go to clinicals. I'm at work right now...get this crap over with then start again.
write ya later
m

515 AM conversations with a 4 Year old

"Mammoo, I just can't find any outfits for Sleeping Beauty in here."
(looking in little purple bag)

"Olive, this bag is for the little pets."

"Mammmmmoooooo.....that is Leroy, Pablo, and Laquisha! Those are Backyardigans!"

"Yes Olive, those are little 'type' pets."

"NOOOO! The squirrel and the bunny are Little Pets...the others are Backyardigans and I don't know why you put them in here!"

sigh

"Olive, go look in the Little Mermaid Purple Chest and see if the Sleeping Beauty clothes are in there."

"Oh YEAAAH!, Mammooo you are so smart."

yup.

(back to brushing teeth)

Yes you can, I swear it.

Does life have to be so hard?

 I used to think so.

 I used to be self centered and get worked into a frenzy about the weirdest things.  I remember, at one point in my life, I actually  moved the garbage can to right under the mail slot and never looked back. I actually had to have friends come and help pay bills and put food in the fridge.  Look, I'm honest, I had a nervous breakdown....and you wanna know the worst part?...  I had a 2 year old at the time.  After losing about 25 pounds on a 5 foot frame and choking down intermittent Xanax from my mom, who actually was so concerned she sent them in the mail with directions written in big letters on a napkin ( I should have kept that letter), I dragged my bony ass to the family doctor.

I got the help I needed to get through it.  It did NOT include Xanax, sadly enough, but did include Paxil...and I took it religiously until, as the doctor had nicely told me, " Until maybe you think you can open the mail again.  It won't take long, Myssi, you will be ok."    I didn't really believe him at that point but I had to put my trust in something, it might as well be Paxil.  In the time period working up to the Breakdown...My husband left me, and not just left me, but packed everything up while I was at work and when I walked in the door he handed me the baby and said,"gotta go, can't live like this."  That is sooo good for a gals moral...anyways...that happened, my dad died, my brother died of AIDS and I honestly thought my life was over.  

Jeesus Crackers I was an idiot.

Everything happens for a reason.  I finally realized this.  It took strength from my friends, the death of my mother and the inner strength I actually found in myself.  I realized the world is not about me, but about the energy I put into it...the kindness I put out there and the compassion I can instill.  I don't dwell on the things I can't control...like the example in the post below...or the fact I cannot be anyone's, including the man I love, only thing in life.  I have learned to focus on what I can do for myself and the power I can bring to others with encouragement.  This world is an amazing place if you let the sun shine in.

This came to me today when the gal who sits in front of me brought up the fact her mom died one year ago of Renal Failure....she started to cry, and I started to cry...the class was uncomfortable but I just said,"Lord have mercy...someone get her some Kleenex and me too ...Lord what a bunch of blithering fools we are...how are we going to be nurses if we cry at every damn thing that happens  ?"    She laughed, I laughed and the class laughed.  It's ok to feel pain and sadness...sad things happen and you should cry.  But you should also find the beauty in the sadness.  It happened and lives changed and we moved forward.... we cry for ourselves and the things we have lost.  We don't often cry for the pain the person was in...we cry because we weren't ready for the loss and this is something we should think about.

I don't get freaked out anymore when traffic is making me late, or when things don't work out the way I thought.  It is so minute compared to the big picture....so unimportant. 

Take time to laugh and to try something new, endulge yourself in the unknown and do it with vigor and a smile on you face......and how about you bring a friend?...see what happens.

xoxo

write ya later

m

Dear Lord....

Dear Lord,

please help me to not strangle or at least to not amputate this small creature.  I realize she means no harm.  I also understand that she was "just looking for , you know, the little thing that goes with the Little Pets".  The problem is ,Lord, I didn't understand the magnitude of upkeep one tiny child would require and without my drink of choice, which I don't have, because the keeper of the cocktails is at band practice tonight and I don't feel right going to the liquor store with kids in tow....

even if they do pass out suckers there,( I do have some morals, thank you Monsignor Cunningham) I don't think I can do this...

I have asked for help before, but this time I'm serious.

2 hours later and hugs and kisses to the My Pretty Pony Beach Cabana, Weebles Treehouse and accessories, one Fisher Price Bus with blinking lights and real horn sounds (thank you Lord) packed into Target bags and placed in the back of the car to go to Santa's Workshop so that the elves could fix them up and send them to some other kids...

question asked by small self centered child?

"so I can get more, Mammoo?"

Yessssss...So Santa can bring more shit.  Soon Honey.

yes...and I do realize the room is bland compared to most...but at least it's clean

So Lord,  Thank you for giving me the strength....

Now maybe I can go write...and also try to figure out why the entire middle half is underlined.

.

Can I get in the Big Bed?

May I sleep in the big bed?
When Olive asked me this the other day it brought back memories of my childhood and the mystical "big bed". The most comfortable refuge in the child's world. It is like the womb of all wombs....always warmer,always more comfortable, and always able to fit more people than the average bed. When I was a little girl my parents, who were quite the "cocktail party" types, would leave me home alone. I realize now that maybe that was not the safest form of babysitting but I did not know or care then. They would say, "Go get in the big bed and we will be home soon". I would watch TV and eat my snack then fall asleep in the vast comforts of the California King bed and the mounds of down pillows.  This became my memory of travels around the country.  Laying in the big hotel bed while my parents were seeing a show on Broadway or gambling in Vegas.  We traveled.....I curled up in the Big Bed.  

My daughter just comes right into our room.  Boundaries never respected.  She comes in and just climbs up and crawls over the top then curls up in the middle, breathing sour preschooler breath on the unfortunate parent she faces.  I never did this as a child.  I knew the boundaries of the parents den like room.  We weren't allowed in the bedroom, unless invited and we were rarely invited.  On Saturday mornings I would go upstairs with my blankee and curl up outside their bedroom door waiting for someone to wake up.  When I became an adolescent I couldn't wait for my parents to leave so that I could pilfer through their room.  Starting at my dad's candy stash then moving towards my mom's "Joy of Sex" book and then finishing my spying up on the big bed, munching  on M&M's and looking at weird pictures of some sort of Feng Shui sex positions in awe.  ahhh the memories.

Now, I barely use my bed...except for the obvious.   I don't have time to curl up and relax.  Winter time around the corner and longer nights imminent.  I hope to find the time to pile in and relax, kids, dogs, cats, heating blanket and all.

hey de ho neighbor...

It's Tuesday...but you can see that from the time stamp.  I had my frst Operating Room Clinicals today.  Saw a double bilateral total knee replacement.  Not nearly as bloody as I thought it would be.  Not nearly as exciting either.  The scrub techs had a more exciting job than me.  Wah wah wah...  One more day of OR then I can move to the next subject.

I want to take a minute to not write anything great.  I should be writing a paper...but instead I'll take a minute to tell you about how much I love the Pumpkin Patch.  We went this weekend.  The big thing was the Tractor Ride.  It was such a big deal that Olive thinks she wants to be a farmer so that she can tote people around on a tractor.  She doesn't seem to understand that unless she is ONLY going to have a pumpkin patch...the only people she would be toting around would be migrant workers.  Oh well, why ruin the dream?  The Pumkin Patch is free and we get to get as many Pumpkins we can carry.  I LOVE FREE!!!  I got us up at 7 AM so that we could get first pick at the best pumpkins and we did GREAT!...Also got some cute pictures.  I edited them on Picnik...Does anyone else use Picnik?   

So what else you ask?  I'm sick of school and on top of that cooking dinners have become my least favorite chore in the world.  Is that wrong?  Is it wrong to offer your kids Pasta every night? I don't know, I just can't get my pea brain together enough to actually make anything worth eating...Why oh why can't kids just drink beer like me?  It's got everything we need.  Damn that business about growing and needing nutrients.

Next....Ilin wants to learn how to crochet so that he can make those little creatures and I don't have time to sit and teach him.  Anyone know of a super easy kid friendly book he can read and learn on his own?   He's been making these cool softies...they aren't perfect but they are creative and he thinks he wants to try to sell them on Etsy to earn money for his snowboard pass or something.  So I want to get him a book with actual patterns in it.

that's all for now. I need to write a paper

early morning...on a cool Saturday

It's 6:30 am here and I just rolled into work. I have abandoned taking the bus or doing anything eco-friendly, although I did pull my co-workers recyclables out of the garbage when I got here, for just plain old driving. I didn't want to come in. It's the weekend, no one else has to work...well, none of the people in my household who were looking so snug curled up under the warm blankets have to work, as I looked for clean clothes to put on. Curses to them!

I didn't put on makeup, I barely brushed my hair, I broke dress code and wore jeans, because who cares I all ready have been written up, and prayed I didn't see anyone I know as I walked into my office. The co-worker left the heat on 94 so as I unlocked the door I could feel the sauna. Jeesus. Well, I guess instead of being at work I'll pretend I'm sitting at my laptop, although it's not a laptop...it's one of the 1987 CPU's for work, and pretend I'm on the beach in Jamiaca. MMMMMMMMm much better...Jamiaca....

Except this is not Jamiaca. The realities of life some times smack me in the face.
At school Friday the head of the Nursing Department came in and said the nursing list for 2009 is full, which means I will not be getting into the RN program until possibly 2010. I can work as a LPN until then, but I want to just get it done! I am not going to let it deter me. I have completed all of the prereq's and many people haven't , so when I graduate in Dec from LPN, they said I have to wait 3 weeks to take the NCLEX...then as soon as I pass that I believe I can sign onto the RN list and maybe some people will drop. Which happens. Inbetween that time I will get my ducks in a row, as they say.

My goals are:
Take a vacation.
Do something for my kids.
Pay off my bills
Get better health inurance
Buy Bobby a Vespa
Do the best I can do


My motto right now is to not worry about things that may happen 3 months from now. The goal now is to focus, get through this last set of LPN clinicals. Learn my Med. Pass so I feel comfortable doing it. And to maintain our bills. I can't control everything, which scares me, because last time I let stuff go something was discovered which set me back a bit.
done...
write ya later,
m

work computer shut down!!! woohoo

Happy day! The Meditech system is getting upgrades, which means I can do nothing for the next 4 hours. Wait a minute, it kind of sucks because I have to sit here, doing nothing, when I could be doing anything somewhere else. Figures, it's like Murphy's Law.

Maybe I'll just hit a few topics in my life while I'm sitting...then I'm going to study. (My supervisor gave me permission to do homework while I'm sitting).

Yesterday, I worked on my bag. It definitely does not look like I want it to, but I think it will look ok. I'll post some pictures this afternoon. Class yesterday was had a bit of a good note to it. We got a much needed extra point added to our grades...teacher made a boo boo and the genius next to me caught it, God Bless Him and his oversized brain. We got out early and I had intended on going to Hot Yoga, got home and asked B if he had practice. His answer was "I think." Then 5 minutes before I should have left he said, "oh we aren't having practice." ???? Does he do it on purpose? I kindly stated that he could have told me so that I could go do a few things for MYSELF, like go to Yoga. He, not so kindly stated, "you went to yoga on Sunday." UH , yeah, so? You bought crap on EBAY every day last week.

Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm not as important as the rest of the household, upon making a commitment, then birthing I was to give up all my rights as a free life living human of the female variety and give into the middle age mom spread....stay home and cook, clean, and tell people to bathe and brush their teeth. How could I have forgotten that? Especially when they walk around reminding me from the minute my feet hit the threshold of the house til at least 20 minutes after my ass hits the bed with no pause inbetween. (and you people wonder why I don't crap on a regular basis.?..as soon as I sit down there is a 4 y.o pawing at the door! Honestly, yesterday, when I went to the bathroom she sat right outside the door eating carrots and dip kicking the door with her tippy toes, wanting to know why I locked the door, and why she couldn't get the TP for me and help me wipe.)

As punishment to my family yesterday I announced I would not be cooking dinner. I kindly told Dad that I would really like it if he could be in charge of dinner, the entire thing. (time at this point 5;45 pm) There was a bit of eye rolling and a "why" so I said, I want to sew then study...and I'll be ready for dinner when it's ready. (sidebar: I had all ready defrosted the chicken, put the rice on , and sat out our veggie dinner.)

tick
tock
tick
tock

(current time 715 pm...Dad in garage) In my head....I'm not going up there, I'm not giving in. Then from Olive's loud mouth, "I'm starving, give me those C...H...I...P...S!!!!!! (heehee I knew without even being there she was trying to get Dad's chips and salsa he was eating while avoiding cooking. That did it. he went up and turned on the grill, made salad, and had Trevor set the table. YES!!!! and you know what? No one died. Close...

After dinner Synda came over after class and we had Tequila and Oj and talked about how much we LOVE tequila and how she was in trouble at home too. Nice to know the river runs wide around here.

My day ended with a bit more studying because class is over Aug 7th and as you know I MUST make a C. I crawled into bed and actually slept. The best part of my day.

PS it's Bobby's Bday Aug 3rd, he wants these, but for some reason Lip Service never has small sizes...only sizes in the size people should not be wearing these clothes (does that make sense?)
he's 28" waist...so if any of you fashionistas know where I can get him a pair of flairs or bell bottoms let me know

lip service flairs

xox
m

My Monkey Family

Thanks to Petunia Face...My new favorite thing in the world.  I just laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

morph yourself

I sit down in the computer room morphing every picture I can find into a Grecco...I was  a Boticelli for a short time...turned all the kids into Manga's...then drunks....it makes oh so happy!!!

What joy, what joy...whatever did I do without this?

my Monkeys (technically half chimp half human)

Bobonkey

Mysonkey 

Trevonkey

and by far the most adorable

Olivonkey

Bubba Ilin is still at sleep away camp...but don't think he is getting out of this little project.

This is the type of crap I do when there is a ton of other things which really demand my attention.  I have the fabulous ability to push the important things to the side, like feeding the family or doing the homework, in order to indulge my artistic side.  I grab a nice yummy beer a few cheezits and head to the computer.

The Art Master Has Arrived!

Don't be jealous...it takes no talent...go try.

Cooking and our downfalls

So, Synda and I have been going back and forth about this damn meal planning for the family. It's not like we are single anymore and get to have red wine and spaghettios for dinner 4 nights a week. We have a stupid, oh excuse me, a family we have to cook for...but here's the problem. Nobody cares what they eat for dinner until you set it down if front of them. What's up with that?
The men say they are sick of eating what we give them, yet they don't want to give us any ideas as to what they want. This is what I hear all the time ..."I just ate lunch 2 hours ago...how can I decide on dinner?" Well Mister...if you want me to do the laundry, pick up the kids, go shopping then make dinner you better have an idea or your getting crap. Guess what...I work fulltime also....Oh yeah, you forgot about that?

I need a wife...Synda needs a wife. I would say we need a houseboy, but I imagine it would be like having another puppy to take care of, and that's all we need because they need to eat too. Any suggestions?
write ya later
m