Mother's Day Dearest

 

It's a different day and age,

Yes I know this, I'm not an idiot, and I do pay attention, but one thing that I keep seeing as a reoccurring theme in the new generations? 

How their mom destroyed them. 

Every little microbe of them. 

No credit for design and implementation, just the destroying.

My mom was a different breed.  Did I hate her at times?

Of course, I was a teenager once too.

But never in my years did I blame anything within my life, short of high cholesterol, my mom's fault.

the list of unacceptable Mom behaviors:

alcoholic, smoker, multiple husbands, partier, dancer ( what we would call exotic now), uneducated in a sense, and fighter.

That was my mom.

She also was:

Funny as fuck, hard worker, willing to try anything, dancer, common sense filled, great friend to many, care taker, housewife, and a mom that was there every day. 

So I sit and reflect on my accomplishments and my failures, my vices and psychosis.

They are all mine and my individual choices.  I never really smoked. I can thank  her for that.

Do I drink...yup....but that is all me.  Do I make mistakes with my kids?

Hell yeah, but that is me too.  

My mom was the best advice giver and if I didn't listen, that was on me. I never, and still don't, blame her for my life. I actually give her credit for much of it.  Could she have been better and done better?

Who knows? I don't care.  I miss her. I made it to adulthood.

On this Mother's Day maybe we should give a little honest thought to her. She did not cause your distress. We all make our own decisions and are often aware of the consequences of a choice long before we commit to it.  So, maybe we should start putting blame where it is deserved. Poor decision making.

**don't get me wrong

I know many bad things happen to young young children which is out of their realm of ability to change the situation as it happens.  What maybe we can change is how we move forward in our lives as older teens and adults.

It is nice to have someone to blame for life's shortfalls

but instead, think about how you can move around it.

You can always pick a new "family" 

let go of old habits and stressors, even if it involves current family.

Be strong in your decisions and attitudes and stop blaming and start changing the outcomes one step at a time.

I have met many moms who get blamed, and I will bet they were doing their absolute best with the information and skills they had at the time.

remember, we didn't have accessible mental health care like this generation does.

We/They did what they could.

Let's Celebrate the Effort of Mom.

and maybe do a little forgiveness on this day.

xo,

m

Random Writings and Thoughts

My inspiration.

For running, not beard growth.

although at my age that beard may be possible.

 
December 
and I have been dreaming...
dreaming of running.
I'm running and 
I can breathe and 
I don't struggle and 
I remember what it is like ....
to feel...
 my strong legs again
my strong core 
the feeling of power in myself.

But ....it was just a dream. 

Two nights in a row I dreamt about it.

Two nights...

I decided to stop feeling sorry and at least try something. 
So, a measly mile, or so, a few times a week. 
Hey, it's better than nothing....
Although, my brain doesn't think it's better than nothing.

I laugh at the old pictures of me

me...

So strong in body, yet...

weak, so weak, in heart 

The stronger I became physically

the weaker I actually became in my ability to live my best life.

Now,

Happy and not as physically strong

but I have gained 

Me...

me

mine

My voice and true opinions

and it's ok.

The people I have surrounded myself with

love and I believe, 

respect me and my opinions.

Still forever thankful for the person who continued to tell me I was beautiful.

I was stronger than I knew

and for the people who stuck by me.

the ones I don't need to see every day

to know that they are there and 

I am here.

What a great life it is becoming

it really is.

now off for my run.

xo,

m

Oh man....whatever...Nothing....

and ....it hits home, this song.....

Nothing Compares 2 U

Pick your poison.....

Take a few....

go read the lyrics

and just the other night....

Miss Cray Cray made beautiful music again

It's been seven hours and thirteen days

Since u took your love away

I go out every night and sleep all day

Since u took your love away

Since u been gone I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

But nothing

I said nothing can take away these blues,

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

It's been so lonely without u here

I'm like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop this lonely tears from fallin'

Tell me baby where did I go wrong

I can put my arms around every girl I see

But they'd only remind me of you

I went to the doctor guess what he told me

Guess what he told me

He said boy u'd better try to have fun

No matter what u do

But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

All the flowers that u planted mama

In the back-yard

All died when u went away

I know that living with me baby was sometimes hard

But I'm willing to give it another try

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nothing else,

I get it,

write ya later,

xo,

m

How to pick a therapist

I'm picking a therapist.

Would anyone care to help?

I'm all ready full of OCD and anxiety, now I have to choose a therapist from a list, suggested by distance from my home, acquired from my insurance company.  There was no asking what I might need counseled in or anything...I guess I get the generic form.

It's comical.

First I started with the names...

Do they sound like therapists?

Then I google.

I google the letters after their names, their names, and then judge everything about them by their website content. 

I mean, that seems logical, right?

how else do you do it?

Of the 6 choices, one was quickly eliminated because they had no website.

This led me to believe they either were ancient with no ability for online presence, or that they were attacked by one of the people they were counseling and decided to not be present in the manner that they would be easy to locate.  There were no pictures or addresses so I decided to scratch that one of the list...I didn't want to be murdered by accident....ya know just trying to get to and from the building. I watch crime TV....I'm not dumb. So, with that said.... One down.

This dreamboat was not on my list...

I would not pick him anyway, I couldn't imagine telling him about my issues and him looking at me like that....nope. Nothing would get solved, it would be worse, way, way worse.

The other five I sorted by navigating the reviews and lists of "therapies" they can entertain/cure me with.

First off: the name Jilab... I can't even, then her most respected therapy is dance and movement therapy. I'd have to be effin crazy to drag my anxiety ridden self into marriage counseling and be treated with 45 minutes of "dance / movement" therapy!  

Unless I am doing this :

I don't think I can entertain the thought of dance therapy, and to be honest, today in boxing class I couldn't even figure out my left hook from my right hook, so this is probably out.

 Oh wait she also has hypnotherapy and aroma therapy for the soul.

no, no and another no....

badd-a-boom

OFF THE LIST!!!

That left me with a therapist who looks like Pat, which is fine, but I could not imagine my other half telling Pat his problems without thinking of SNL, honestly, could you?  And regardless of how mad I may be at my significant other....I'm not that mad.

"Y'all gotta just love each other"

Sorry Pat...off the list.

The next was a young lady.  Quite attractive and well put together. 

I circled her name....

wrote down the number....

picked up the phone ....

Then decided she was too sexy.

Won't work. 

The last was the farthest distance from my house but his website was up to date, easy to navigate and his smiling face was like the friendly, bald science teacher from middle school.

He did not look threatening, he graduated from a real college, not online certification, and he was not wearing a bow tie. 

plus he had the balls to say he was "seasoned" 

I like it.

Now if I get there and he is this "seasoned" I may have to re-evaluate a few things, including my method of choosing a therapist.

I'll try to keep you semi posted about the funny stuff....Not the bullshit tears and stuff

If you have any other suggestions feel free to leave a comment. 

all free therapy is gladly accepted.

Write ya later,

m

OCD.... i have anxiety.

I'm having anxiety.
I wake up in a freaked out state.
I'm counting.
shit
It started when one of the girls at work said we should all go back to school.
Immediately I stressed.  We?  I started feeling that feeling of being behind.  I am behind.  I am behind in life, i am behind in everything.
Then the kids.
Am I reflecting my "behindness" on them?
Of course I am.
I am stressed they will fail....
Because I am failing.
Bigger stress...Not sure what I am failing.
SEEEEEE?


I paid the bills.
I vacuumed.
I worked out....then I realized I have not RUN
I have not run in a month?
What if I can't run anymore?
of course I can run...right?

knitting.  i cant knit because I can't finish anything.
Last night I cooked the worst dinner in my life.
I have anxiety.

fuck

later
m

365 days give or take 1/12/13 & 1/13/13

Boys will be boys.

Smells like Teen Spirit…

Or Something

xmas for freaks like me

there are not many things in life I really really need….but anything from Taxidermyjim …I could fall in love with.

Source: etsy.com via Myssi on Pinterest

Pain in my neck

really, I keep thinking I'm having a heart attack, but if you go back a few posts...I thought that before and was given Xanax...which I'm out of...so my only other thought is that it is
work.

school is out for the summer for me, an entire 2 weeks to catch up, order books,get the kids schedules together, and figure out the remainder of my life as I know it for the next 5 1/2 months. Really? What could possibly go wrong in 5 months right?
This is why I am having a heart attack...
Everything...
and to think I think of myself as an optimist.

Back to the little sign up there.
it's true.
I'll get back to you when I have
1. realized I'm NOT having a heart attack and can get my shit together
or
2. I run outta here, yanking at my hair, screaming and then realize I have plenty of time for everything (because I'm not coming to HELL anymore)

write ya later
v8

Manic, OCD, and a drunk...all in one weekend

It started earlier this week.  I knew that after my long shifts at work then to clinicals (530 am-1030PM) I was done with school for the week.  One of the nurses at clinicals asked me,"How do you feel, you know, with school almost over and a new journey about to begin?"  Hmmmmmm  Not sure...I try not to think too far ahead.  She says to me," I always would get depressed."  

Thursday morning it hit me.  She's right!...I'm depressed.  What will I do with all my time?  I have to get a new job...Completely new, something I've never done before.  It's not like waiting tables or answering phones, nursing is new.  School is over in 18 days and a year and a half (actually 4 years since I began the entire process) and that's it.  

I decided that I would start my vacation week of no school with my Synda.  I left work early to hit a yarn shop with the girls and then the wine shop and hang out.  The little ones played and we sat and drank, and drank, and gossiped, and drank some more, had pizza, knitted poorly (had to rip it out the next day) then at 1045 pm Synda says, "Uhhh, we did NOT drink 2 bottles of wine did we?"  Yes m'am it appears so.  Yikes and i have to drive 20 miles home.  I gathered my kid, knitting and stacks of magazines on loan from Synda and headed home and thought how the wine only takes away the boredom until the headache sets in which is approximately 7 hours later for me.  I didn't let that stop me.  I sat my goals for the weekend and Saturday morning I started to try to avoid the depression.

(Click for bigger pics)

First...I went shopping then made Spanikopita

Next in line Needle Holder.  Kinda fun.  I had bought that material for 3$ for a yard.  I used about 20" for the holder and lined it with some left over fleece.  It only took about an hour.  I didn't care so much for sewing all the lines to hold the needles...but I didn't quit...I just grabbed a nice cold beer and kept going.

I finished this yummy little neck warmer and started one that is only 2 rows wide..They are cute and easy to do.  I'm hoping to get some up on Etsy before holidays.

While I was busy doing my stuff Olive made her own hair clip from some broken toys.

Good job, Olive!

As I was saying, idle hands are the Devil's hands and we'll have none of that around here.  I got up this morning and cleaned out the pantry...got rid of everything we don't,won't or can't use....and didn't look back.  

Next up the kid's bathroom, but honestly I think I might be losing steam.

Depression for me is evil.  Loneliness, gets me into trouble, and free time is the bane*of my existence.

All in one weekend.

* "bane" was once a very serious word. The Old English "bana" meant

literally "slayer" in the sense we now use "killer" or "murderer."
Early on, the English "bane" was also used in the more general sense
of "cause of death," and by the 14th century "bane" was used in the
specialized sense of "poison"

So, you can only imagine what the next few months have in store for me.  If only I could get my writing back on track.  

515 AM conversations with a 4 Year old

"Mammoo, I just can't find any outfits for Sleeping Beauty in here."
(looking in little purple bag)

"Olive, this bag is for the little pets."

"Mammmmmoooooo.....that is Leroy, Pablo, and Laquisha! Those are Backyardigans!"

"Yes Olive, those are little 'type' pets."

"NOOOO! The squirrel and the bunny are Little Pets...the others are Backyardigans and I don't know why you put them in here!"

sigh

"Olive, go look in the Little Mermaid Purple Chest and see if the Sleeping Beauty clothes are in there."

"Oh YEAAAH!, Mammooo you are so smart."

yup.

(back to brushing teeth)

woop dee effin doo

I gave my first shot today!!!!  Sounds exciting huh?  

not so much...it was insulin.  In the nursing world, not very notable, not like a big IM ass shot...just a little skinny needle in the tummy.  But I did it.  No problemo, so if you are in Boulder and need your insulin drawn and shot...here I am!  

Funny part with the nurse I was following...You always do a blood glucose test before you give them their shot and before breakfast.  Well, this lady was in for vaginal bleeding for over a month.   It's a lot of blood...I hate bleeding for 4 days so I can only imagine bleeding out your bottom half for a month or so....anyways, I go to do the finger stick..."poke"  not a lick of blood...did It again....no blood...finally I got the little tiny finger on the hand she never pokes and got blood and did the reading.  When I went back to the RN station the Rn said, "how'd it go?"  I said..."I can't get any blood!..Can I get the blood from her vagina?"  and the rn just looked at me like I was a reindeer with four heads and Xmas lights dangling from my antlers.  I just stood there for a minute with the glucometer in my hand, letting her take it all in...then I said "Bwahhahahahahaha....I'm Kidding!!!!  jeees Louise!!!  come on!!! I'm smarter than I look...it's all done, and to set your worries at rest the blood came from her finger"

The RN shook her head and just walked off...the other RN and the CNA thought it was hysterical.  heehee.  Some people have such poor senses of humor.  Lord lighten up, it's just sick people.

My day finished as non-eventful as it started...and I am now done with one more day of clinicals.   

I rode my bike to pick up Olive at daycare and huffed and puffed the 2.5 miles uphill home with chubs on the back...work out complete, but the last time I checked ...ass still big.   

oh well, tonight I have to start Cardiac drugs and all the care which goes with it.  Here's one of my big problems...whenever I study a topic, I'm pretty sure I'm dying of it. So, on that note...if you don't hear from me by Friday I have had a heart attack,aka MI, and all my classmates are too idiotic to help me.  

xoxoxox

m

not missing...just freakin out

Sorry I haven't blogged, I was really hoping Synda would post some of her fabulous pictures from her trip and take up some page space....

Let's see...here has been my week at a glance.

Monday: Went to Therapy to help me recover my non crazy side....***note to self, it didn't make me feel better...made me feel retarded and I used half a box of kleenex and when it was all done, the "therapist lady" said, "next time you should see if the Significant Other would come...it might help". What does she mean? I can't be helped? Oh well, whatever, I'm just going to throw that to the side and think about it later...because it definitely does not help my mental status.

Tuesday: Tired...worked, went to class...CLASSSSSSSS...damn class, Micro 101...I'm freaked out about the class. I just don't quite get it and I am not good at rote memorization. I HAVE to understand how it works and where it fits in to learn it. With that said, I just am freaking out. huge test on Thursday...should have studied over the weekend, but didn't now I'm paying the freak out price. If anyone knows an easy way to remember the ATP transport in Prokaryotes, please let me know quickly!

Wednesday: Repeat Tuesday...add extra freakout. Talked to Bobby about joining me at therapy. He looked at me like, "Jeesus Christ, you can't even do therapy by yourself?" ...but could probably see the tears and said maybe it would be a good idea. Once again...not going to think about it because that just makes me think...if he thinks it's a good idea, possibly I could be crazy? whatever...worry about above stupid test.

Thursday: That is today. Super stressed, but now too late to actually do anything about it. Looking over Micro...ok, Myssi, focus on one section...we have 4 chapters to cover, if you can ace at least 2 you have a 50/50 shot of passing. (see, not crazy...really good with rationalization...or is that a crazy person trait?) whatever...focus...

That is my boring week so far. I have neglected everything, including my dear friends. Synda left me some great VM's on my phone, which I wish I could figure out how to put them on here as a sound bite because she is rambling on about how she wants to be anorexic like the "vodka carb gals" and then in another VM how she needs to do SOMETHING!!! (this all coming from a beautiful,6' blond who does yoga 4 times a week and has not an inch of ugly on her).
My neice, who is getting married NEXT YEAR keeps hounding me about dresses for Olive."what size will she be next year?" In my head I'm thinking: 1) how the hell would I know...Its a year away!, 2) Let's wait til next year...it's a year AWAY!, 3) please, I have so many things to worry about right now...I just can't think about which Target dress to buy for Olive...for a wedding which is a YEAR AWAY!!!!....but...my nice side of my brain thinks...it's a big deal to her, it's her wedding...just make up a size and if it doesn't fit NEXT year, I'll buy another one. (see, not crazy, nice and good family member)

Ok, on the last note ,before I go try to use the bathroom at the hospital, that is if I can get in there before all the vagrants come in to bathe and crap...I think I need to work out more....My armpit fat is hurting me. My toilets stink at home...I need to clean...and!!!! I wish I could figure out what happened to that double dong.