Weed for the Aged

 The other night I decided to do an edible...

you know, the Devil's lettuce...the weed, ....the mary jo wanna.

Granted, I wasn't going to sit down and do a round of good ol bong hits or a loaded Swisher Sweet... I was just gonna have an edible. To be exact, a half of the smallest little blackberry fruit flavored gummi. I believe it was a Sativa , which was what came highly recommended from the 19 year old hippy/jugalo ( I couldn't quite make the distinction) behind the fully packed glass counter.  I told him I needed to sleep, to settle my brain a bit....I don't want to be up at 4 am looking for savory/sweet treats in the back of the cupboard. I just want to sleep. That is all. 

He said, "No Problem....You see, we have the kind that will give ya some energy for like...let's say cleaning the house or, like, some people go for a good run. Then we have the kind that will calm ya down...make ya feel relaxed."

"Ok, I'll take that"

"Great", he says. "What flavor and dosage? Is this your first time?" 

 I started to laugh and then stifled and small coughed instead. I wanted to blurt out "for fuck's sake it's not my first time. I grew up in the 80's. My generation made acid and mushrooms a weekly thing.  I spent half my high school years trolloping around the panhandle of Florida's cow fields picking psychedelic mushrooms out of cow patties, packing them in honey and selling them all over the tristate area...."

"No, but to not sound like an old person I haven't really done this new pot. My friend said they had a candy bar and ended up on the living room floor unable to reach the phone to call 911, which in hindsight she decided was a good thing, but her rendition of a fun Saturday night dinner with 4 friends is one I would rather not do....I just would like to sleep a bit "

with that I know I officially sounded OLD

He laughed and said " I gotcha, M'am", (which slightly burned my biscuits, but because he was honestly trying to be respectful I let it slide).  He reached into the glass counter a few inches down and all the way to the front and pulled out a little cup of blackberry edibles. He kindly showed me the name brand and the THC amount vs CBD : 10 MG THC per edible.

" I think, for you, because you want to start slow, this should be perfect....Now remember , just because you don't feel anything don't eat another unless you want to end up like your friend...just have a half ,or even half of a half, and give it time.  It should relax you and most people say they get a good night's sleep".

SOLD!

Took my little stapled bag and off I went.

Evening arrived and I prepared for my sleepy time edible.  As I tucked myself into bed I bit the ungodly sweet, sugar coated, slightly weed taste-smelling gummi into my mouth followed by a magnesium and a melatonin...swished down with my last sip of IPA. It was a Saturday after all.  As I waited for sleep to come I panicked thinking, "Have I just overdosed myself on 5mg weed and a 5 mg melatonin plus beer?" Oh jesus , oh lord....at least I didn't take a Benadryl too....I'll be ok, if not, i guess I'll get some sleep in the long run, right?

Fell asleep pretty quickly, which really isn't the problem.  The problem is staying asleep and quality, so that was yet to be determined. 

I remember having some pretty wild dreams. Was it the weed or the melatonin? I definitely slept hard. I woke midnight, as usual, to go to the bathroom. I was slightly groggy as I sat upright, not really paying much attention to anything except meandering to the bathroom. As I stood I realized my legs were heavier than usual, but assumed it was from my workout that day. When I went to sit down on the toilet is when it hit me.

I'm stoned.

hahahaha 

who made this toilet so short?

why does it feel weird in this bathroom?

do I need a snack?

No, I need to go back to bed and quit messing around before I trip on the uneven floors and break a hip. I wandered back to bed and giggled as I pulled the comforter over my head. Maybe I should have taken it a bit BEFORE I went to bed, not as I hit the pillow. 

My overall review of the experience still makes me giggle. It did work, although I didn't sleep 8 hours I did get a good 5 hours or so.  My biggest fear was if I attempted this on a weeknight, would I still be high for work? who knows ....

But what I do know...

I'm not to that point, nor will I be joining Snoop and Willie for 420 in Amsterdam any time soon, unfortunately.

emergency use only for me.

xo,

m

Mother's Day Dearest

 

It's a different day and age,

Yes I know this, I'm not an idiot, and I do pay attention, but one thing that I keep seeing as a reoccurring theme in the new generations? 

How their mom destroyed them. 

Every little microbe of them. 

No credit for design and implementation, just the destroying.

My mom was a different breed.  Did I hate her at times?

Of course, I was a teenager once too.

But never in my years did I blame anything within my life, short of high cholesterol, my mom's fault.

the list of unacceptable Mom behaviors:

alcoholic, smoker, multiple husbands, partier, dancer ( what we would call exotic now), uneducated in a sense, and fighter.

That was my mom.

She also was:

Funny as fuck, hard worker, willing to try anything, dancer, common sense filled, great friend to many, care taker, housewife, and a mom that was there every day. 

So I sit and reflect on my accomplishments and my failures, my vices and psychosis.

They are all mine and my individual choices.  I never really smoked. I can thank  her for that.

Do I drink...yup....but that is all me.  Do I make mistakes with my kids?

Hell yeah, but that is me too.  

My mom was the best advice giver and if I didn't listen, that was on me. I never, and still don't, blame her for my life. I actually give her credit for much of it.  Could she have been better and done better?

Who knows? I don't care.  I miss her. I made it to adulthood.

On this Mother's Day maybe we should give a little honest thought to her. She did not cause your distress. We all make our own decisions and are often aware of the consequences of a choice long before we commit to it.  So, maybe we should start putting blame where it is deserved. Poor decision making.

**don't get me wrong

I know many bad things happen to young young children which is out of their realm of ability to change the situation as it happens.  What maybe we can change is how we move forward in our lives as older teens and adults.

It is nice to have someone to blame for life's shortfalls

but instead, think about how you can move around it.

You can always pick a new "family" 

let go of old habits and stressors, even if it involves current family.

Be strong in your decisions and attitudes and stop blaming and start changing the outcomes one step at a time.

I have met many moms who get blamed, and I will bet they were doing their absolute best with the information and skills they had at the time.

remember, we didn't have accessible mental health care like this generation does.

We/They did what they could.

Let's Celebrate the Effort of Mom.

and maybe do a little forgiveness on this day.

xo,

m

Truth in writing .... new leaf

I have decided to write my truth.   
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings.  I need to write for me.  Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.

My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me.  The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue.  My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.  
Is this a rarity ? 
Or is this a reality ? 
 Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me.  I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years....  this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
 I am a sexual person. I need it.  I need touch and physical intimacy.   
I don’t believe this is odd. 

One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age.  I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine.  Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age.  I am too set in my quirky ways and life.

I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
  I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that.  I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either.   Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more.  Really.   I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body.  Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.

My heart is huge.  My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most.  So much , yet no place to disperse.  To connect at this age?   Please.

A sacred real self will most likely never happen. 
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.   
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person.  To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .

Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ? 

As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?   

Self worth I forever work on and I understand that you cannot make someone love you or a change the way a person is.  That goes for me too.

As for now, I will just breathe.  I have not lost my sense of humor.  I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all, 
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket

write ya later,
m

Take 5, "Hospital Scene...George Clooney Dude"

Yo, today at clinicals was great. Cancer room 20....fractured hip and renal failure room 18. Yeppers... I made it through. Still didn't have to touch a penis, so I feel pretty good about that. Fellow nursing student had to do a foley+ foreskin...I mighta screamed. Next time...I'm super at removing and I've been told if they get wood to "thump" it...but I really think the person who told me that was jackin with me, but not sure.

Clinicals today involved a Clooneyish PA and one of the most adorable RN students ever. I saw them making eyes at each other and the most awesome person that I am...I took care of it. I exchanged phone numbers for them :) hahahahaha They are soooo gonna thank me later. uh huh uh huh (doin the dance) If I was just a bit younger and single...

I rock...I'm just tellin ya...this is great karma points

also this hospital is like ER...everyone is good looking and available...or so it seems, its gonna be a funny next few months