Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

Lesson I am Learning : Projection is not about me

When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear. 

Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case. 

Comical, in fact

Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.  

Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing  feat happened. 

I saw myself for who I am, 

and what I have to offer...

and why people are in my life....

boom

Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.

Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.

I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens.  Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?

question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?

Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that 

hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life

As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.

..ups and downs, 

anger and 

life changes. 

 Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..

"mistakes happen, 

own them, 

learn from them, 

look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."

they are waiting for you to realize and learn

Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.

Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:

 It is not me...

It is the other. 

When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...

people came to me with the words of wisdom

"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"

In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...

people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....

all of this hidden away from my family. 

As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be

Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically).... 

they are strengthening...

you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break

you learn....

Anger is never a primary emotion.

Hurt and failure usually proceed. 

Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.

and as full circle 

feeling of failure and hurt follow.

I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....

it sucks dick.

 

This is exactly why I no longer hate....

I remove myself....

it's so hard....

but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.

I guess the lesson here is 

Forgive and Forget

everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.

People can dig and look for love all around 

use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it, 

But that shit is organic....

it crosses your path and it stays....

it's there....

love

so many different forms and people

I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you

you know who they are

so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up

It's pretty amazing

xo,

I'll be right here

waiting...

m

Truth in writing .... new leaf

I have decided to write my truth.   
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings.  I need to write for me.  Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.

My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me.  The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue.  My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.  
Is this a rarity ? 
Or is this a reality ? 
 Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me.  I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years....  this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
 I am a sexual person. I need it.  I need touch and physical intimacy.   
I don’t believe this is odd. 

One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age.  I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine.  Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age.  I am too set in my quirky ways and life.

I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
  I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that.  I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either.   Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more.  Really.   I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body.  Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.

My heart is huge.  My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most.  So much , yet no place to disperse.  To connect at this age?   Please.

A sacred real self will most likely never happen. 
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.   
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person.  To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .

Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ? 

As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?   

Self worth I forever work on and I understand that you cannot make someone love you or a change the way a person is.  That goes for me too.

As for now, I will just breathe.  I have not lost my sense of humor.  I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all, 
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket

write ya later,
m

VD there is no real cure...

get some ointment.

For your listening and thinking pleasure of all my midlife friends, 

who have found love, 

have lost love, 

have made mistakes, 

have thought too much...

have looked in the wrong places

I heard eventually the fear goes away

You are Welcome

xo,

m

Sirens    

its time to finally come clean

and start 

fresh

if you would like to read the lyrics